"I'm kind of busy right now," Jayne said, trying to bide a little time before hearing Grace's ultimatum. "I'm putting together flyers about the Indian mound and Whispering Spring so they'll be ready when the guests arrive."
But she could see, from the look on Grace's face, that she intended to say her peace.
This is a family run operation and we have certain standards we ask our staff to abide by...
It would start something like that, Jayne surmised, and it would be no less than she'd expect if the situation were reversed.
She opened the door wide for Grace to enter, and to her surprise, Grace touched her on the arm, and said, "I heard about what happened at the spring."
Jayne wasn't quite sure what to make of it. There was no accusation in Grace's tone, and the touch of her hand had been one more of assurance than anything else. "It's okay," Grace said. "Can we sit and talk for a few minutes?"
Jayne felt wary of what this was all about. She knew nothing about Grace Hansen, other than the bizarre circumstances under which she and Jack met, and that they now had a house full of kids, and they were devoted to each other and to their sons. Which also meant Grace would go along with whatever Jack felt was the right thing to do about the new guest ranch manager who was sleeping with his brother.
Before Grace said anything, Jayne launched into a lengthy accounting of things she'd had no intention of relaying to this woman she didn't even know, saying to her in one long-winded breath, "When Sam took me on horseback to show me the cabin in the mountains and the Indian mound and the hot spring and suggested we sit in the pool so I could hear the voices I never expected things to happen like they did. I was wearing shorts and a tee shirt to make sure nothing would and Sam had on his swimsuit but Sam started talking about his ex-wife and I felt so bad that she'd left him for another man and he'd felt inadequate as a husband that I gave him a little kiss to show him I cared and he kissed me back and things just got out of hand after that and—"
"I know," Grace cut in. "Sam told me all about it."
"Sam? Not Jack?" Jayne said, surprised.
"Well, Jack too," Grace replied, "but Sam wanted to make sure I understood how things really happened, and I do."
"You do?" Jayne said, thinking that possibly Grace was being empathetic, but not quite sure why. The only other time she'd met the woman was when she held her baby, then passed him back to her and rushed out of the room.
"I'm married to a Hansen man," Grace said. She gave a little shrug. "I understand what it's like to look at a man and feel like someone knocked the wind out of you. When I looked across the waiting room of the fertility clinic and saw Jack for the first time, then learned a few minutes later he was the father of my child, it was like something in the reasoning side of my brain clicked off. I went into premature labor and Jack took me to the hospital. I needed bed rest, Jack brought me here, and by the end of the week Jack dominated my mind. If I had not been almost eight months pregnant, and had suddenly found myself alone with him in a hot spring pool in a dark grotto, I might not have been responsible for my actions either. So I really do understand."
"I'm glad you do, because I don't," Jayne said. "Well, I do and I don't. I do understand about looking at Sam and feeling like someone knocked the wind out of me, but I don't understand what happened in the hot spring pool. I just don't do things like that. Sam is different. He makes me feel like I want to, well..."
"Crawl into bed with him and stay there forever," Grace finished the sentence for Jayne. "I know the feeling well. I have six children and Jack still dominates my mind, and I'll never get tired of wanting him in my bed. It's the best end to every day of my life."
"But how soon after you met him did you feel like that?" Jayne asked.
"Like wanting him in my bed? About a week. Like having him on my mind... he's been there almost from the moment I met him." She shrugged. "Like I said, it's Hansen men. They do that to a woman."
Jayne gave her a faltering smile, enjoying the camaraderie, yet wary of telling her too much. Still, she wanted to bring up the subject of Lauren Hansen, and learn if she ever came to the ranch. Trying an oblique approach, she said, "When Sam was talking about his ex-wife at the spring, I was jealous that the woman still had that hold on him. Did you ever feel jealous over Jack's ex-wife before you were married?"
"Ooohhh yes!" Grace said. "She was incredibly beautiful, and I was nearly nine months pregnant and feeling like a blimp, and when she showed up at the ranch one night, wanting Jack to take her back, I literally thought I was going to die."
"Does she still come here?" Jayne asked, trying to hold her voice steady.
Grace shook her head. "She has no reason to. Jack's all mine and she knows it, but she lives in the area, and she's good friends with Susan, so I suppose she could show up one day, maybe be with Susan when she brings Ricky back, but it's unlikely. She knows she's not welcome."
"I can't imagine a mother smothering her son, even if she did claim postpartum depression," Jayne said, trying to understand something that had bothered her for years.
Grace pursed her lips. "Postpartum depression might have been a factor, but Lauren refused to nurse the baby so she never had that bonding. I love nursing my babies, and Jack loves being a part of it, just sitting with us and hearing all the little contented sounds the babies make." She gave a sad little sigh. "Jackie would have been nine now."
"Then he must have been born about the same time Ricky was," Jayne said.
Grace nodded. "Jack was still depressed when we met, but he got so involved with my pregnancy and the prospect of having another son that he came around. He still misses his son, but he has six others to fill the void." Grace gave a little chuckle. "In about ten years, when I have six teenage boys and Jack, I'm going to be surrounded by a whole lot of testosterone. Hansen men aren't lacking in that area, as you know."
Jayne felt her face flush.
Grace squeezed her arm. "But back to you and Sam... What happened at the spring was not a casual sexual encounter. Sam has serious intentions, so I hope you understand that. We just don't want him getting hurt again. Susan really did a number on him, leaving him for a man whose salary Sam was paying, and Sam had been the perfect husband. Actually too perfect. Susan's a drama queen, and Sam catered to her every time she had one of her emotional outbursts."
"Well, it's not going to go that far with Sam and me," Jayne assured her. "Ricky's troubled enough over what his mother's doing, then finding Sam and me kissing at the winery... It started out innocent enough. I was sampling wines, and it went to my head, and Sam was smiling, and it came to me that he was the handsomest man I'd ever seen, and the next thing I knew I was kissing him like there was no tomorrow, and Ricky walked in."
"That's what I mean by the logic side of the brain clicking off."
"Another reason for me to stay away from Sam. I'm too unpredictable around him."
Grace looked at her long and thoughtfully, and said, "Sam also mentioned that you hadn't been in any relationships in over eleven years. He doesn't want to ask, but hopes you'll tell him why. He's worried it might have been some kind of tragedy."
Jayne was so shocked that Grace would bring it up that she didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. After a few moments, Grace, taking her silence as not wanting to talk about a tragedy, said, "After I lost my husband I never thought I'd want to be with another man, which was why I decided to have his child. I call it a touch of fate that I got Jack's sperm instead, and he turned out to be the love of my life. Maybe Sam's your touch of fate and it's destined to be."
Jayne gave Grace a faltering smile. "Or maybe what we have is just a very intense infatuation," she replied. "But whatever it is, we both intend to keep it in check."
Grace looked askance at her. "You may find that easier said than done."
"I know," Jayne said, "which is why we plan to not be alone together again."
But the idea of Sam not touching her, or kissing her, or holding her was more than
troubling. It made her depressed in a way she hadn't felt in years. So the only means around that would be to keep busy with good hard work. And stay away from the source of her anxiety. Sam.
***
The incessant thumping of Ricky kicking the back panel of his desk as he swung his foot in agitated motions, accompanied by the erratic smack, smack, of a pencil striking his opened book, tested Sam's patience, but he was determined to ignore the kid. Ricky was angry with both his parents, and with good reason. They'd both let him down. But Ricky was also doing poorly in school, so Sam confined him to his study desk in the corner of the living room, where he'd stay until he finished his reading assignment. But Sam could see that Ricky wasn't making any progress. He sat with his head against his fist, and hadn't turned a page in over ten minutes.
Sam went back to paying bills, although his mind kept returning to thoughts of Jayne. He hadn't talked to her since she'd rushed out of the winery after Ricky caught them, three days before. She'd been busy getting ready for the first ranch guests, who'd be arriving the next day, and he'd forced himself to focus on what was going on at the winery, not concoct a reason to go to Jayne's office, close the door, and pick up where they left off when Ricky found them.
Although Jayne had been slightly tipsy from the effects of the wine, there had been no question that when she kissed him, she'd put everything into that kiss—her lips, her hands, her body—leaning into him and cuddling against him, as if she needed to be closer. At times, the feeling he got of wanting to wrap himself around her, yet not being able to, was almost overwhelming...
"Is she gonna move in with us?" Ricky's words shattered the image of Jayne with him in their bed. She wouldn't be there unless she was his wife, which she would be. He refused to believe anything except that it was destined to be.
He looked at an angry young face, and said, "Not unless we're married, and Jayne and I haven't known each other long enough to be thinking about that." And now the moment of truth. Looking Ricky in the eye and telling him it's wrong to have sex before marriage.
"She was kissing you like Mom kisses what's-his-face, all close and gross."
Sam had no idea how to respond. For Susan and her stud, close and gross seemed an accurate description, but with Jayne, it was like being given a little bit of heaven.
"When people care about each other they want to be close," he said, trying to sound sensible. But there was nothing sensible about what either of Ricky's parents were doing. Susan and her jock were teaching Ricky that it was okay to throw out all standards of decency, and he and Jayne were rushing headlong into... he had no idea what, but at least they'd be discrete about kissing and other shows of affection from now on. And the only way she'd be moving in with him would be as his wife.
"Are you and her gonna start doing what Mom and what's-his-face do in the bedroom?"
Good Lord! Ricky was only nine. Did he know what went on behind the closed door to his mother's bedroom? "I'm not sure what you mean, Rick."
Ricky glared at him. "Geez, Dad. I know what people do in there."
Still not sure if Ricky knew exactly what men and women did in bed, Sam said, "Well, just to set things straight, having a woman in my bedroom who's not my wife is wrong, so no, I won't be doing that with Jayne unless we're married."
"If it's wrong, why does Mom do it?"
"I don't know, Rick. She knows better, but sometimes grownups do things they know are wrong but make excuses to get around it, but it doesn't mean your mother doesn't love you as much as ever. And even if she's doing something wrong, you still love her too."
"If Mom loved me she wouldn't do bad things," Ricky said, the pace of his foot against the back of the desk quickening, and with increasing force.
"It's not going to fix things if you kick out the back of the desk," Sam said, deciding he'd had enough. "I'll get you a punching bag if you want, but stop the kicking."
"Do I have to go to Mom's this weekend?"
"Yes," Sam replied.
The kicking started up again, and Sam decided to tough it out. Ricky had a right to be mad, with his father looking like he was trying to get it on with the new guest ranch manager, and his mother getting screwed by a guy who strutted around in spandex workout shorts. "You want me to listen to you read?" he asked, hoping that might help Ricky get the school work done.
"I'm finished," Ricky said.
Sam walked over and looked down at Ricky's book, which lay open on the same page he'd been on thirty minutes before. "Lying won't fix things either," he said. He pulled up a chair and sat facing Ricky. "I'm sorry, son, that your mother and I messed up. All I can say is, I'll do my best to make things right for you. I'm not sure how to do that right now, but I'm working on it."
"Did you want Mom to move out?" Ricky asked.
"No. That's what she wanted," Sam said. "I believe when a man and a woman make wedding vows to each other, it's a lifelong commitment."
Ricky was silent, his brows gathered in deep thought, but after a few moments, he said, "Why does Mom like that guy instead of you?"
Hell, this was getting too damn complex to explain to a nine-year-old. "I don't know," Sam replied. "I thought I was making her happy. I tried to, but sometimes it's not enough." Wrong answer! "That is, when you find the right person, you want to stay with that person for the rest of your life. I thought Mom was the right person for me, but she wasn't, because I wasn't the right person for her. If I had been, she wouldn't have wanted to leave. I guess my point is, you wait until you know the person is right, and then you marry her, and then you bring her to your home to live with you." He hoped this would be the end of it. Trying to explain the whole mess to Ricky was damn near impossible when he didn't understand most of it himself.
A rapping on the door caught his attention. He opened it to find Jayne standing with a manila folder in her hand. "Do you have a few minutes?" she asked. "I need to go over some things with you before people start arriving tomorrow."
Sam glanced at Ricky, who was glaring at them, and said to Jayne, "Maybe we should go to your office."
"It won't take but a minute," Jayne replied. "I want to show you the flyers for the self-guided hikes and run some ideas past you that I need to set in place before tomorrow."
"Come on in then." Sam backed up to let her pass, and as she did, he caught the hint of lilac drifting by. She was wearing another safari-type shirt, this one a darker shade, and the matching pants had pockets with zippers in the legs. He couldn't figure out how one woman could look so damn good in anything, and nothing. It was the nothing that held his attention as he looked at the back of her, imagining coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her and kissing her on the side of the neck and...
"Can I go to Uncle Jack's?" Ricky's voice, laced with anger, shattered the image.
"You can go when you finish your reading assignment and do your work sheet," Sam said.
The kicking started again, but Sam could see that Ricky was finally reading his assignment. He hoped so, because he wanted some time alone with Jayne to plan a course of action in which they could begin to build a relationship in a way that would be acceptable to Ricky and everyone on the ranch. The idea of Jayne as his wife had taken root and wouldn't let go.
Touching her arm, he nudged her across the living room and into the kitchen, and said, in a muted voice, "Don't rush through this. He'll be finished in a few minutes and we'll be alone."
"That's not why I came." Jayne gave him a look that set things straight. No kiss. No touching. No, nothing. She opened the folder and placed several flyers on the table, and said, while pointing, "This one's for the hike to the Indian mound. It tells about the process of making arrowheads and what the different points are for. It includes a sketch of the trail, and the boy who's doing it is making trail markers with arrows, but I wanted to make sure it's okay to take people there. Flo said your father didn't want people coming in and digging up the place."
Sam turned his back to Ricky, positioning him
self between Ricky's line of sight at the far end of the living room, and Jayne, and covered Jayne's hand with his, and said, "I've been thinking it over and it's okay. You've done a good job."
Jayne pulled her hand away. "And this flyer's for the Whispering Springs hike." She removed another flyer, but when she looked up at him, her lips were moist and parted, and her nostrils were flaring slightly, and there was a sheen of tears in her eyes, and he couldn't decide if her reaction was from anxiety over having Ricky present, or because she felt the same frustration and longing as he, but it was all he could do to keep from pulling her into his arms and holding her. He sensed that's what she wanted, more than a kiss…
Looking down at the flyer again, Jayne said, "Jack showed the boy who's working on it where to put it. It's going to be a nice hike, especially for families with young children."
"Then it went okay with Jack?" Sam asked in a hushed voice. He hadn't been aware that she'd had contact with him after the encounter in the wine cellar.
"Yes," Jayne replied, just above a whisper. "I had a talk with Grace first. She understands about Hansen men."
"What about them?" Sam asked.
"They're hard to resist." She rested the flyer on the table and took a paper from the folder. "What I wanted to discuss was the idea of having week-long workshops. It would be good for photographers, or writers, or educators and their speakers."
"Your hands are shaking again," Sam said, clamping his palm around her wrist.
"I know," Jayne replied. "It's frustrating, being like this."
"Dad? Can I go now? I'm done." Ricky's voice from the next room caught Sam off guard.
Sam quickly released Jayne's wrist, then turned and walked across the living room to where Ricky was sitting. On checking his work, he saw that it was hastily written and probably incomplete, or at least not complete enough to get a good grade, but there were more issues going with Ricky at the moment than worrying about one assignment. "Yeah, you can go," he said, "but if I check your work and it's not complete, you won't be going anywhere during spring break, is that clear?"
Living With Lies Trilogy (Books 1, 2, and 3 of The Dancing Moon Ranch Series) Page 48