by Linda Hill
Jennifer did her best to concentrate on the inŹflight movie as the airplane continued its journey to Saint Louis. Once there, she chose to wait in her seat while other passengers boarded. Within moments, it seemed, the plane was once again in the air.
She stared out the window at the puffy clouds beneath the plane, trying to separate the memories of a child and the emotions of an adult. She didn’t know if she loved Sheila or hated her. Of course, she’d loved her when they were young. But she hated the way it had turned out.
She couldn’t really remember particulars anymore. She couldn’t recall at what point they had stopped pretending to play doctor. She had no idea when they began saying I love you, or when every song on the radio seemed to be written especially for them. Just as she couldn’t quite pinpoint when they had stopped planning to go to college together, or when they had stopped saying that they would be together forever.
All Jennifer could remember were the boys. One after another. Infiltrating their world. Suddenly Sheila wanted to go out with boys. Because everyone will think we’re queer if we don’t. She’d insisted that they double-date, and Jennifer always went along, copying Sheila’s smiles and laughter, and even kissing the boys the way she’d only kissed Sheila in the past. She could vaguely recall the way that her stomach had fallen the first time she’d witnessed Brian Dunne putting his tongue in Sheila’s mouth. And the first time she’d seen Bobby Grimes fumbling to grab at Sheila’s breasts was the last time she ever put herself in that position.
Somewhere along the line she’d given up, even though nothing really changed when they were alone. It was almost as though Sheila were two separate people. The popular one who laughed and giggled publicly, and the private one who spun her magic around Jennifer whenever they were alone.
Eventually, Jennifer had gone away to college alone and Sheila had stayed in Des Moines and attended the local community college while she decided what she wanted to do with her life.
It wasn’t until Jennifer had been away for about a month that she realized the real reason Sheila had stayed behind. It came in the form of Sheila’s excited voice over the phone on a Monday morning as Jennifer headed out to class.
“Bobby asked me to marry him!”
“What?” Completely stunned, Jen was unable to fathom such an idea. “Bobby Grimes?”
“Of course Bobby Grimes. Who else?”
What a stupid question. Why would Bobby ask Sheila to marry him? Somehow she knew the answer, but didn’t want to see it. “What did you tell him?”
“I said yes!” came the gushing reply. “Oh, Jenny! Can you believe it? We’re getting married next spring! You’ll be my maid of honor, won’t you?”
Stunned into silence, Jennifer could barely squeak out a reply. “B-but, what about us?”
“What about us, silly?” Sheila smoothed things over. “Nothing’s changed. We’re still the same. But I want to get married. I want to have kids.”
“Kids?” Jennifer whispered. Since when had Sheila wanted kids? Since when did she know Bobby well enough to marry him?
Sheila was rambling on, saying something about picking out her wedding gown and writing invitations. Jennifer couldn’t decipher the words above the roar in her ears. Her knees were so weak that she had to lean against the desk to steady herself.
“I have to go, Sheila.” She mumbled something about being late for class before dropping the receiver back on its cradle and eyeing it as though it were the devil himself. Her first instinct was to go to Des Moines and see Sheila face-to-face. But Arizona State was a long way from home, and she was forced to wait.
She agonized for months, barely able to focus on anything except what she would say the next time she saw Sheila. When the Christmas holiday arrived, Sheila was true to her word. She treated Jennifer the way that she always had. They made love at every opportunity. Wildly. Playfully. The way they had those years ago when Jen was the doctor and Sheila the patient. But this time Sheila reversed the roles, seemingly determined to make some point, to control the situation.
They barely spoke of Bobby and the upcoming wedding. So that even as she tried on the peach satin bridesmaid’s gown that Sheila’s mother was patiently pinning together, she didn’t believe for a minute that she would ever have to put it on for real. The wedding would never happen. She knew that Sheila loved her and that she just needed a little time. She would figure it out and never marry Bobby Grimes.
After lulling herself into a false sense of security, Jennifer returned to school with a different outlook. She began to concentrate on her studies, finding joy in the challenge of her classes. She began to reach out and make new friends, amazed to find how much she enjoyed meeting the diverse group of students that covered the campus. She began to think that the world and her eyes were opening up just a little bit more each day.
She soon found herself befriended by Georgette Hildibrand, a wild-haired sophomore who lived on the top floor of Jennifer’s dormitory, whom everyone referred to as Georgie. Georgie was by far the most outspoken and flamboyant individual that Jen had ever met. She was outrageously funny, her manner frequently pushing the borders of good taste. Reluctant at first, Jen couldn’t help but be a bit mesmerized by Georgie’s teasing.
Originally, Georgie had approached Jennifer right after Christmas break, begging for help with chemistry.
“I failed the class last year. I have to get through it this time and I still don’t know the difference between H2O and CO2.” Wide green eyes pleaded with Jen. “Please help me. I’ll carry your books. Wash your clothes. Anything.”
Initially taken aback, Jen couldn’t say no to the other girl. After that day, they met several times a week, going over and over the lessons from class. “You’re amazing at this,” Georgie would shake her head and say. “You should be a chemist or someŹthing.”
Jen hadn’t really thought about what she would do eventually. She used to think that she wanted to be a veterinarian, until her dog got hit by a car and her parents had to have him put to sleep.
“How about a pharmacist?” Having just walked back from the library, they were waiting for the elevator that would take them to their rooms.
“A pharmacist?” Jen wrinkled her nose. “Sounds kind of dull.”
Georgie shrugged and laughed. “Oh, like you’re just oozing excitement, eh farm girl?”
“I told you ” Jen began heatedly as they began the short elevator ride upstairs.
“I know, I know,” Georgie waved her off. “You’ve never even been on a farm.”
“Actually I was once.” She motioned the other girl to follow her as she stepped out into the hallway of her floor. “I walked beans when I was ten or eleven.”
“You walked beans?”
“Yeah,” she shrugged as they stopped just outside of Jen’s room while she unlocked the door.
Georgie began to laugh, clutching her long unruly hair and tossing it over her shoulder. “Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You walk the beans?”
“Yeah. So what?” Jennifer glared at the shorter girl as they entered her room. They both dumped their books on the bed.
“What do you do?” Georgie grinned. “Put a little collar on them and drag them around?”
Jennifer grimaced, the butt of yet another of Georgie’s jokes. “Very funny. Walking beans means walking up and down the rows and pulling the weeds.”
“Yuck,” Georgie blanched. “Physical labor. Sounds backbreaking.”
Jen felt somehow vilified, admitting that it was. They decided to go out for pizza, and Georgie poked around the room while Jennifer changed her clothes.
“Is this your girlfriend?” Georgie held up Sheila’s graduation photo.
“Huh?” Jen’s eyes flew to the picture and back to Georgie several times while her cheeks turned bright red.
Georgie raised one eyebrow. “I mean is she your girlfriend. Your lover. You know.”
Jennifer’s jaw dropped. How did Georgie know? Was Sheila her lov
er? They had never given it that name before. And they had certainly never mentioned it to anyone else.
“Oh, don’t be such a prude,” Georgie misinterŹpreted Jennifer’s reaction and scowled as she placed the photograph back on the bureau.
“No,” Jen assured her. “It’s not that. I just … Well, yeah. I guess she’s my girlfriend.” She smiled down at the other girl. “I’ve just never said it before.”
“You never said it before?”
Jen shook her head. “How did you know? I’ve never told anybody.”
“Oh, you know,” Georgie shrugged. “I have a lot of gay friends,” she winked. “It takes one to know one. Got it?”
Jennifer stared at the other girl, not quite comŹprehending. She had never heard anyone say that they had gay friends before. In fact, the only times she had heard the word gay was when one of the kids referred to Charlie Little back home. The word was usually coupled with the words queer and faggot, and while Jennifer had some vague ideas about what the terms meant, she only really knew that she didn’t want those words associated with her parŹticularly when Sheila made a point of saying that she didn’t want anyone to think they were queer.
“There’re actually quite a few gay bars around here that we go to all the time,” Georgie was saying. “Have you ever been to any of them? I could take you there.”
Jennifer felt as though a thick fog was settling around her, like she was struggling to see through it but wasn’t quite able to. Her mind reacted slowly, grinding through the information instead of sifting through it quickly.
“Gay bars?” Jennifer plopped down on the bed, spilling her schoolbooks to the floor.
“Yeah.” Georgie joined her on the bed, crossing her legs as she gazed at Jennifer’s oddly vacant look. She tilted her head to one side as she tried to interpret her friend’s reaction. Then she playfully slapped Jennifer’s knee.
“Oh, don’t worry. Women go there too. Most of the clubs are pretty mixed. But there are a couple of dyke bars too. But if you want the truth,” she wrinkled her nose, “they’re really more into the butch-femme thing. I’m not real comfortable there.” She stopped short and stared at the other girl’s blank stare. “It’s okay if that’s what you’re into, though. I could take you to either place.”
Jennifer began to slowly shake her head. Dyke. Everyone had called Diane Miller a dyke.
“Hello?” Georgie slapped her knee again. “Talk to me, girl. I feel like I’m digging myself into a hole here.”
Bewildered, Jennifer continued to shake her head. “Georgie. You’re confusing the hell out of me. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about,” she admitted.
“You’re kidding me, right?”
Blushing, Jennifer shook her head again.
Dumbfounded, Georgie began to grin nervously. “Wait a minute. You said you and what’s her name …” she pointed to Sheila’s photograph.
“Sheila.”
“… are lovers.”
Jennifer nodded.
“You make love.”
“Uh-huh.” The scarlet hue of her cheeks darkened as she grew defensive. “But we never called it anything.”
“You’re a lesbian and you don’t even know it?”
“Passengers, we have begun our descent to the Des Moines municipal airport. Local time is twelve-thirty.” The flight attendant’s voice broke through Jennifer’s reverie. “As we begin our final approach, please make sure that your seat backs and trays are in their upright and locked position.”
Reluctantly, Jennifer relinquished the memory of that afternoon with Georgie. She had been so naive back then. Meeting Georgie had completely changed and opened up her life. They had become lovers, eventually. Nearly a full year later. But not until Jennifer had finally let go of Sheila. And that was one particular memory that Jennifer refused to think about now. Especially now.
Chapter 2
All thoughts evaporated as Jennifer leaned over to watch the patchwork ground reaching up to greet her. Roads crisscrossed perfectly, creating perfect little squares of land. She smiled as a familiar tug pulled at her heart. It had been too long, and an old homesick feeling settled in her stomach as the wheels of the airplane touched and then grabbed the runway.
A few minutes later, she was going through the walkway. Quickly scanning the faces in the crowd, her eyes instantly rested on her sister’s smile. She grinned as she covered the few feet between them and pulled the shorter woman into a bear hug.
Jennifer stood back, each hand firmly clasped on her sister’s shoulders, and surveyed Sally’s features. Clear gray eyes smiled back at her.
“Sally, you’re gorgeous. You haven’t changed a bit.”
“My hair’s shorter.” Sally had always worn her auburn hair long. Now it was cut shorter, bluntly reaching the top of her shoulders.
“Not as short as mine,” Jennifer laughed, running her fingers through her own short locks.
Sally reached up and rubbed her sister’s head. “Wow. That’s short.” She leaned back a little, taking it in, then nodded. “It looks good. You look good. Healthy.”
“It’s that Arizona sun. Hey, who’s this?” Her eyes dropped down to rest on the face of a little girl peering up at her from behind Sally’s leg. Jennifer squatted and reached out, ready to pull her niece into a hug. “Hi, Allison.”
The little girl’s eyes grew wide as she pulled away, hiding farther behind her mother’s leg.
“Allison, you remember your Aunt Jenny.”
Allison stared at her aunt, and Jennifer’s heart sank a bit. Words eluded her.
Sally’s hand went to her daughter’s head, rubbing it gently. “Jenny is going to stay with us for a few days.” Allison stood remotely still. “Let’s go get your aunt’s luggage, okay?”
Allison looked up at her mother and nodded. Jennifer stood, her eyes finding Sally’s as they began walking through the terminal.
“Don’t worry. She’s shy like that with people she doesn’t know. We won’t be able to pry her away from you by the end of the weekend.”
Jennifer nodded, trying to shrug it off. She knew her reaction was unreasonable, but she couldn’t help it. It’s my fault she doesn’t know me, Jen thought. I shouldn’t have stayed away so long.
They picked up her luggage and were across the parking lot and inside Sally’s car minutes later. They made their way across town easily. Down Fleur Drive, up Grand Avenue, across 42nd Street. Nothing seemed to have changed since the last time Jen was there.
“You should see West Des Moines. You wouldn’t believe all of the houses out there now. Jim and I are thinking about moving the kids out there next year.” They drove through Drake University campus, then up through Beaverdale, where as kids they had spent hours riding their bicycles. Then they moved on down Urbandale Avenue.
“Where’s the grade school?” Jennifer leaned forŹward, looking up at the familiar hilltop where she had spent her earliest years.
“Gone. They tore it down,” Sally explained.
“No. How could they do that?”
Sally shrugged. “Who knows. It’s been gone for years.”
Feeling betrayed, Jen settled back in her seat. “Did they tear anything else down?”
“I don’t think so,” her sister laughed. “But they did knock down all the woods behind our old house. Remember that old barn with the hayloft that we used to play in? Gone. Nothing but new houses now.”
Childhood memories were being crushed left and right. “Mom and Dad would shit,” she muttered.
“She said a swear word, Mommy.” Allison spoke up from the backseat for the first time.
“Oops.” Unexpectedly chastised, Jennifer instantly apologized.
Sally chuckled in return. “I didn’t realize how much I swore until Allison started pointing it out every time.” She looked at Allison’s reflection in the rearview mirror. “Right, honey?”
“Right, Mommy.”
Sally waited until Allison seemed preoccupied again
. She turned back to her sister. “She’s going through a righteous stage,” she grinned. “I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.”
“She’ll grow out of it,” Jen assured her.
“I sure hope so,” Sally sighed. “It’s not easy to be reprimanded by a six-year-old.”
Within minutes, they were passing Merle Hay Mall and pulling into a short driveway. Sally’s husŹband, Jim, was waiting for them when they arrived. He dropped a kiss on his sister-in-law’s cheek and welcomed her with a big hug and an even bigger grin.
A little boy with a shock of fine white hair and the bluest eyes that Jen had ever seen was giggling with delight and tugging on his father’s trousers.
With Allison’s lukewarm response fresh in her mind, Jen was at first reluctant with her enthusiasm.
“Tommy?” His eyes met hers while his father hoisted him easily into his arms. He put a finger to his son’s ribs and was rewarded with peals of laughŹter.
“Tommy? Can you say hi to your Aunt Jennifer?”
The little boy stopped squirming, wide eyes trained on the stranger before him. He placed one finger of his left hand securely in his mouth. He pointed another finger at Jennifer.
“Hi, Tommy.”
The finger stayed where it was, inches from her face, while the little boy continued to search her features. He looked back to his father questioningly, his finger still hanging in the air.
“Say hi to Jennifer,” his dad urged him.
Again the blue eyes turned to hers. “Ha,” came the small voice, and Jennifer felt triumphant.
They all spent the next several hours settling in, catching up, and getting reacquainted. After several attempts to warm up to Allison, Jennifer decided to let well enough alone and not push it.
They shared an early dinner while going over the plans for the next few days. Several events had been planned for the reunion throughout the weekend. That evening was a casual gathering at Greendale Country club. Saturday afternoon a family picnic was scheduled, followed by a formal dinner in the eveŹning. Another picnic was planned for Sunday afternoon for anyone still around.