by G. R. Lyons
“Are you alright?” Colby asked.
“Yeah, of course,” Vic said, looking down at him with a frown. “Why wouldn't I be?”
Colby reached up and rubbed the frown lines out of Vic's brow.
Vic chuckled.
“You looked sad when you were talking to Ryley,” Colby told him.
“Oh.” Vic's humor faded. “Don't you worry about that, sweetheart.”
Colby touched the furrow in Vic's brow again, and Vic put on a smile, then grabbed Colby's hand and kissed his knuckles.
“It's just something I need to tell Ryley,” Vic said. “I owe him an apology.” He paused, then lowered his voice almost to a whisper as he added, “And then I need to tell Cam.”
Colby snuggled up to Vic, resting his head on Vic's chest. It all sounded like something big that he probably wouldn't understand.
Vic sighed. “Once I tell Cam, I'll tell you, too, if you want.” He paused. “I'm just afraid you'll hate me if I do.”
Colby frowned. He couldn't imagine ever hating Vic, not after all the man had done for him.
Then again, considering what Colby was planning to do—and the fact that it might upset Cam—he started to wonder if Vic might hate him, too.
* * *
VIC WALKED into the restaurant and looked around. He spotted Ryley at a table near the back, the booths constructed in such a way that they could talk without being overheard even by the next closest table. It had quickly become their favorite place to go for lunch after they'd started working together, a place where they could discuss work and personal matters in relative privacy.
As Vic sat across from Ryley, he realized it was at that very table—in the midst of a debriefing on a rescue case that came to Vic too late and thus ended in recovering a body—that Vic had first asked Ryley out.
“Lots of memories for us in this place,” Ryley said, clearly thinking along the same lines as Vic.
Vic nodded. “Yeah.” He chuckled. “I'll never forget sitting here, listening to you talk about walking that scene, so much passion and excitement in your voice, and then blurting out an invitation to dinner.”
Ryley laughed. “Seriously. I think my jaw hit the floor. I had no clue you were gay until you asked me out.”
Vic chuckled again. “I was almost determined not to date,” he admitted. “Especially knowing your history, knowing that you were a case I needed to follow up on. But…seeing how much you loved your work, seeing you light up just talking about it, even as dismal as it all was…I couldn't resist.” He shook his head and held up a hand. “I'm not trying to get you back or anything–”
“No, of course not,” Ryley said.
“I just didn't want you to think that's what this was–”
“No, not at all. You're not that type of guy. I know that.” Ryley grinned. “But you can totally go on, if you want. I don't know a man alive who would turn down hearing how irresistible he is.”
Vic barked a laugh, then quickly sobered. He could easily think of one man who would probably never want to hear how irresistible he was, and the thought made his heart ache.
But that wasn't why he was there. He had a confession to make—long overdue—and he was damned well going to do it, no matter the consequences.
Ryley managed to wait until both their drinks and meals were served before he shot Vic a look and asked, “So?”
“So?”
“So…what was it you wanted to tell me?”
Vic took a bite of his sandwich to buy himself a moment even though his appetite was suddenly gone. Guilt weighed heavily in his stomach. He was going to have to tell Ryley the truth. He swallowed the bite, set the sandwich down, and took a deep breath.
“I owe you an apology,” he began.
“Oh?”
Vic gave a tight nod. “One of our longest-running arguments…about me denying you in the bedroom–”
“Vic, babe,” Ryley interrupted, waving his hand. “Seriously, I'm over it. I understand, and it's all behind us–”
“Except it's not,” Vic cut in. “Not really.”
Ryley frowned. “I don't get it.”
Vic reached for Cam's bracelet, then drew his hand away at the last moment. He couldn't be thinking of Cam just then. There was no way he could draw the ghost to him while he explained this, not wanting Cam to overhear. He'd have to say it all again to his brother later, but he wanted to do it when they were alone, as Cam deserved.
“Cam, if you're here,” he whispered, “I need you to stay away.”
He waited, but there was no sign of the ghost, so he clasped his hands on the edge of the table, took a deep breath, and looked up, forcing himself to meet Ryley's eyes.
“I wanted to,” he admitted.
Ryley's frown deepened. “Wanted to what?”
Vic sighed. “Wanted to…be inside you.”
Ryley's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. “What?” he breathed.
Vic nodded and grimaced. “I'm so sorry. I know how much you wanted it, and I did, too. Hells, I've been wanting it ever since my first time, that night that Cam went missing. But after what happened to Cam, I just couldn't do it. After what Cam suffered, I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve anything I wanted, but especially not that.”
Ryley stopped eating halfway through Vic's explanation and just stared at him.
When Vic finished, he fell silent and held his breath, watching the emotions play out on Ryley's face as the man tried to process everything he'd said.
Finally, Ryley dropped his burger and scrubbed his hands over his face, shaking his head. “Wait. Hold on.” He lowered his hands, revealing deep frown lines in his brow. “You're saying…the whole time we were together…you actually wanted–” He broke off and shook his head, staring at Vic with a mixture of shock, anger, and frustration. “Vic!”
“I know, I know,” Vic pleaded. “I'm sorry, but–”
“I always assumed you really didn't want it, and that Cam was just one more reason for you not to,” Ryley said, his tone and expression more serious than Vic was used to. “But you're saying you actually wanted it, and you never told me?” Ryley sat back, shaking his head. “The hells, Vic?”
Vic sighed. “Look, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't think it would matter since I was never going to be able to bring myself to do it anyway.”
Ryley slowly shook his head. “Fuck, Vic, do you have any idea what a difference it would have made to at least know you wanted me that way?” He paused, then rolled his eyes at himself and said, “Yeah, it probably wouldn't have changed anything in the long run—I probably still would have ultimately cheated on you—but at least it wouldn't have felt like such a blatant rejection–” He broke off and looked away.
Vic pushed his barely-touched lunch aside. “Ryley, I really am sorry.”
Ryley shook his head, staring at the wall. “Fuck,” he breathed. He brought a fist down hard on the table, making the plates and utensils rattle, then waved an apology when a few other diners looked their way. Ryley blew out a breath and shot Vic a look. “Hey, at least I'm not burning out the light bulbs.”
“I wasn't gonna say anything,” Vic murmured, though it was strange to see Ryley have a mini-meltdown without causing the electricity to run haywire.
“I'm learning to actually express and release my anger rather than keeping it bottled up inside,” Ryley told him, then huffed out one breath, took in another, and sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before looking at Vic again. “So you really did want me that way?” he asked in a whisper.
“So much,” Vic admitted.
Ryley slowly nodded, then laughed and shook his head. “Gods. I know it's irrelevant now since we're no longer together, but…” He blew out another breath. “Thank you. I wish I'd known that a long time ago, but thank you for telling me at all.”
Vic nodded back, the knot in his stomach easing when he saw Ryley smiling again.
Still, the guilt ate at him. “I'm sorry I let everything get in the way between
us.”
Ryley shrugged. “Hey, I'm pissed you never told me, but…Hells, we both know we're better off as friends. It's over and done with. I've moved on with Asher. It's time you did the same. Go out and find someone, love him and fuck him and live.”
Vic shook his head. He could certainly love someone again—hells, he already did love someone—but as for the rest? There was just no way, no matter how much he wanted it.
“Vic?” Ryley asked, then got an exasperated look as he studied Vic's face. “Don't tell me, after all that, you're still gonna deny yourself–”
“I have to, Ry,” Vic insisted. “I have to say all this to Cam next, and I'm afraid it'll destroy him. How can he ever accept a brother who wants that after it was forced on him?”
Ryley grimaced. “Yeah, alright. I get that.”
“Besides,” Vic blurted out, then stopped himself. Could he admit this to Ryley? Then again, he already had, to a point, so what would it hurt to say the rest? “The only person I want is someone I can never have. At least, not that way.”
“Who–” Ryley's eyebrows went up. “Oh. You mean the kiddo.”
“Yeah.”
Ryley started to nod, then laughed. “Not that he's exactly a kid, though, huh?”
“Well–” Vic began. He stopped, thinking it over, and slowly nodded. “He's gonna be twenty-two here pretty soon.”
“There, see?” Ryley teased. “That makes it less creepy sounding.”
Vic tossed an olive at him.
Ryley ducked aside and laughed, then said, “But seriously, what would he say about it all?”
“What do you think?” Vic sighed and sat back. “The poor boy has been used all his life. He'll never want that. Not ever.”
Ryley shrugged. “You never know. I've seen the way he looks at you, after all. It might be possible.” He paused, then said, “If nothing else, you could always tell him how you feel.”
Vic gave a grim nod. “I know. That's the plan. He deserves the truth, even if he hates me for it.” He took a deep breath. “But, first, I have to tell Cam.”
Ryley reached across the table and gave his hand a squeeze.
* * *
VIC GOT home to find Colby tucked away in his room again. He still couldn't make sense of why the boy had suddenly taken to hiding out so much after getting so much better about being out of the room, but every time Vic asked, Colby said he wasn't ready to explain.
He quietly shut the bedroom door, and headed for the backyard, taking the dogs with him. They needed to go out anyway, and Vic needed the tranquility of the gardens to maintain a calm atmosphere for the conversation he was about to have.
Vic watched the dogs dart about for a few minutes, then wandered off to a bench that was tucked away under a tree. He sat down, taking a few moments to really enjoy the peace and beauty of the gardens, something he never truly appreciated beyond a simple aesthetic pleasure before Colby came along.
When he couldn't put it off any longer, Vic pulled out his phone, opened a texting app, and set the phone at his side, thinking of his brother.
“Cam?” he murmured, looking all around for any sign of the ghost.
Patches darted over, yipping at something, and stopped near the bench, bouncing excitedly in place. Vic saw his phone float up off the cushion, and realized the dog had followed Cam over there.
I get the feeling I'm not gonna like this conversation, Cam typed on the phone.
Vic nodded slowly. “No. No, I don't think so.”
I stayed away like you asked me to when you were talking to Ryley, but…
Vic cringed. “I was worried you were there.”
I was, at first. But then you told me to leave. So now you've got me worried.
Vic felt around and found Cam's arm, giving it a squeeze. “I don't want you to hate me, but you deserve to know the truth.”
A heavy pause followed, then Cam typed, Alright. Whatever it is, tell me.
Vic gave a nod, then took a deep breath. “I want…so badly…to know what it's like to be inside someone.” The phone jerked, and Vic held his breath as he waited for Cam to type a response. When nothing came, he said, “It's never gonna happen, of course, but…I just needed you to know…”
Another tense moment passed, then Cam finally wrote, Go on.
Vic blew out a breath. “It was hard enough dating while you were in the hospital, feeling guilty for everything I wanted while you were struggling just to live after what was done to you. But even when I gave in and became intimate with someone, it never went all the way. Never that far, no matter how much I wanted it. And, gods, Ryley begged for it, but I could never give it to him. The very idea felt like such an utter betrayal of you. Somehow, it felt like cheapening what had happened to you.”
After a moment, Cam typed, And now? You've never really dated again since I died.
Vic nodded. “I wanted to. I tried to, but knowing that you could follow me anywhere, knowing that you could see…It would have felt like I was throwing my sexuality in your face, like what Jarvis did to you didn't matter.”
Vic stared at the phone, waiting, but Cam remained silent.
“I'm so sorry, kiddo,” Vic went on, wishing he could see Cam's face. “I promise, even if I ever seriously date again, I'm never gonna act on that particular desire, but you deserved to know the truth, even if you hate me for it–”
I could never hate you.
Vic sighed. “Cam–”
Alright, so maybe I hated you a little when I was first in the coma, but after you started visiting all the time and taking care of me and doing everything you could to give me my life back…
“I'm so sorry.”
But I don't hate you, Cam went on after a moment. Not even for this.
Vic held his breath, staring at the words. “Are you sure? I mean, it's–”
An invisible hand smacked him upside the head.
“Hey–”
You used the 's' word again.
Vic blinked. “Oh.” He breathed a laugh. “I'm sorry.”
You should be, Cam wrote, then added a winking smiley face before he continued: Now, as for the not acting on it…
“I promise, Cam,” Vic rushed to assure him. “It won't ever happen.”
The cursor on the screen was still for a moment before Cam wrote, But it should.
Vic stared at the words, trying to make sense of them. “What?”
The phone lifted and dropped slightly, almost as though Cam had sighed, then Cam started typing again. The thought of you…you know…Yeah, it kinda freaks me out, and I really don't ever want to see it, but that doesn't mean you can't have it.
“Cam–” Vic started to argue.
No, listen. The cursor paused, and once Vic shut his mouth, Cam continued: All this stuff you've been doing lately—taking me to see Jarvis, facing The Asshole—it got me thinking. Ever since I got attacked, you've made your whole life about me–
“I had to,” Vic interrupted.
I get that, Cam went on. In the beginning. But not now. Cam paused, then went at it again: It's been fifteen years. And after everything you've done…Not just for me, but saving all those other people, rescuing all those kids…Vic, you've put off your own life for so long.
“Because I had to,” Vic reiterated.
Vic. The cursor paused again, then Vic felt the weight of Cam's form moving to sit closer beside him before it went on: You've done nothing but make up for it ever since it happened. You kept me sane, all that time in the hospital, and now you're helping me cope with the fact that I'm dead and I'll never get to experience certain things. There was a slight pause, then Cam wrote, So I need you to experience all those things for me.
Vic frowned. “What?”
There are so many things I'll never get to do, Vic. I'll never graduate, or have a job, or drive a car. He paused. Actually, that last one I might be able to do…
Vic narrowed his eyes. “Not a chance.”
Cam shook with laughter, then went st
ill as he continued: I'll never eat my favorite foods or feel the sun on my face ever again. I'll never know what it's like to fall in love or how it feels to make love to someone. Cam paused, and Vic felt him chuckle. That probably sounds weird coming from a fourteen-year-old kid, but it's true. I had way too much time in that hospital bed to think and imagine and…
Vic waited, watching the cursor sit there, blinking, before Cam finally finished the sentence: want.
“Cam…” Vic swallowed hard, a fresh wave of guilt washing through him. Then he frowned. “Wait, fourteen? But you were twenty-six when you died.”
Cam brought up a blushing smiley face on the screen. I know, but in my head, I'm still fourteen. He paused. Can I even say that? 'In my head'? Since all I am is a mind now?
“Cam–”
Cam added a laughing face, then went on: I did see myself right after I died. It made the whole thing so much harder. I didn't recognize my body at all.
The words came out slower toward the end, giving off a sense of melancholy.
Vic swallowed hard again. “I'm so sorry, kiddo.”
But none of that is your fault, Cam quickly typed out. It's Dad's fault. You were going to find a way for me to wake up, so that I could get to experience all that. Dad's the one who took all that away from me, not you.
“Cam…” Vic whispered. It seemed to be the only thing he could get out while a mixture of heartbreak and fury threatened to overwhelm him. He'd finally had it out with his father, but he still wanted to kill the man for what he'd done.
Dad deserves all the bad karma he can get—and so does Mom, for not stopping him—but you've more than served your sentence, Vic. You've served it a dozen times over. It's time for you to live. You're allowed to have the things you want, even if I don't like them.
Vic slowly shook his head. “I've always known I could never have that, Cam. Not without feeling like I was betraying you.”
The only way you could betray me now would be to keep punishing yourself. I forgave you a long time ago. It's way past time that you finally forgive yourself and move on.
Vic kept shaking his head, staring at the words. He wanted to. Good gods, he wanted to give in to his desires so badly, but he wasn't sure he could ever let go of that last shred of guilt that was holding him back.