Steve shook his head. “You’re impossible.”
“Why? Because I know my worth? Because I’ve changed my mind about what I need?”
“You should’ve thought about that when you first laid down with me.”
“And you should’ve thought about the fact that not every mistress is crazy enough to wait years for a man to leave his wife.”
“So what does that mean exactly? You don’t love me anymore? You want us to end things?”
Porsha hated herself for not being able to say “yes,” but she couldn’t. And it was mostly because she didn’t have anyone else. She didn’t want to believe that something was better than nothing, but she sort of did. “Look, I know this isn’t what you were expecting, but the last thing I want is to be hurt. I also don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Can you understand that? I mean, here I’ll be thirty-five next year, and I’ve never been married. And I want to have children, too.”
Steve pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arms around her. “Sweetheart, I would never hurt you, and things won’t always be this way. At some point, I will leave Denene. I just have to wait until Stevie finishes high school and leaves for college.”
“I know you keep saying that, but isn’t he only going to be a sophomore this fall?”
“He is.”
Porsha sat up straight again and looked at him. “And you think it’s fair for me to wait another three whole years? Not to mention how long it will probably take for your divorce to be final.”
“I know it seems like forever, but if we start spending more time together three years will pass quickly.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You just have to be patient. And if you really love me the way you say you do, you will.”
“And if you love me, you’ll do whatever you have to to make me happy.”
“Where is all this coming from?” he asked, dropping his feet onto the floor and sitting with his back to her.
“I told you. I want more. Life is short. And I don’t want to spend the next three years hiding out here at home with you.”
“I understand that, and that’s why I suggested you go on some of my business trips.”
“Why? So I can hide out in your hotel room?”
“This is crazy.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” she said, “but if you want to know the truth, I also don’t want to keep sleeping with someone else’s husband.”
Steve laughed. “Oh, so now I guess you’ve turned into some sort of saint.”
“You know as well as I do that what we’re doing is wrong. You’re an ordained deacon, and I’m a minister.”
“Yeah, well, we didn’t just become them. You were a minister when I met you, and I’ve been a deacon for years. So, as much as I hate to say it, we’re not perfect. But who is? The Bible says that we all fall short of the glory of God.”
“Yeah, but it also says that you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
“Did you read that scripture before you slept with me the first time or just this week?”
Porsha didn’t respond, but that same feeling of guilt she’d struggled with this morning was consuming her again. It was so intense, she felt dirty.
So she finally got up, grabbed her maxi-length robe, and slipped it on. But then her phone rang. She couldn’t imagine who might be calling her this late in the evening. Interestingly enough, though, when she went over and pulled it from her handbag, she saw that it was Dillon again. She wondered what he wanted, but she hit Ignore and dropped her phone back inside her purse.
“Who was that?” Steve asked.
“Nobody important.”
“Yeah, right. Maybe that’s why you’re all of a sudden trying to act so holier-than-thou.”
“Meaning?”
“You’re seeing someone else.”
“Steve, please. Don’t turn this on me. You’re the one who’s married, and the only reason you’re upset is because I’m not okay with that anymore.”
Steve stood up. “Whatever you say. And you know what? Maybe I should just leave.”
“Do whatever you think you need to.”
Steve rolled his eyes at her and went into the bathroom.
But at the moment, Porsha couldn’t have cared less. Not when she was still trying to figure out why Dillon was calling her. Regardless of what his reason was, she knew it was best to leave her past exactly where it was, because she didn’t want any trouble. She didn’t want to create more problems for herself than she already had.
Chapter 12
Porsha could kick herself for doing this. About an hour after Steve had left, Dillon had phoned her back, and unfortunately, she’d answered him.
“So I’m sure you’re wondering why I keep calling you, huh?” he said.
“Hmmph, you must be a mind reader.”
“No, but the thing is…I miss you more than you can imagine. I realized that a while ago, but as soon as I heard your voice yesterday it brought back a lot of good memories.”
“Really? So you call what we had good memories? Us sleeping with each other behind Raven’s back and then me giving her a video of us having sex?”
“You know what I mean. When things were good between us, they were good. Very good, and you know it.”
Raven couldn’t argue with that, but she kept quiet.
“I’ll tell you something else, too,” he said. “If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have started seeing Taylor at all. I would’ve divorced Raven and married you like you wanted.”
“Yeah, but you did start seeing Taylor and you got engaged to her. And for the record, even when things ended between you and Raven, it wasn’t you who filed for a divorce. Raven did. You would’ve stayed married and messed around for as long as you had to.”
“That’s true, but I was a different person back then. I had a lot of personal issues going on with my dad, I started drinking again, and I was confused about life, period.”
Porsha made herself more comfortable in her bed and leaned back against three pillows. She crossed her legs, and even though her television was on mute, she saw that the news was coming on. She hadn’t realized it was already ten o’clock.
“Are you there?” he asked.
“Yep.”
“You don’t have anything to say?”
“About what?”
“What I just told you?”
“You mean about you being different back then? Well, even if that’s true, I was the one who ended up hurt. The one left looking stupid.” Porsha thought about how she was allowing Steve an opportunity to do the same thing to her. It was the reason she’d let him know tonight that she wouldn’t keep seeing a married man or wait for him to get divorced three years from now.
Porsha wondered why any woman, including her, got involved with married men in the first place—why they fell in love with them. But she didn’t want to think about that anymore and changed the subject. “So when you called me yesterday, you still didn’t say a whole lot about what you’ve been up to.”
“Well, if you’re talking about my relationship with my dad, things couldn’t be better. We finally have the kind of father-and-son connection we should have, and even Matthew has somewhat warmed up to me,” he said, referring to his younger brother.
“That’s really good to hear. I know you wanted that, so I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you. It was a tough road, but I can’t complain.”
“What about a church, though?” she asked. “Are you planning to start a new one?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Is there a reason?”
“I just don’t have any desire to preach sermons anytime soon. I’m content working behind the scenes at my dad’s church. Right now, I’m his VP of broadcasting.”
“I didn’t even know you had an interest in that.”
“Neither did I, but I really enjoy it. And I only have one more year to go before I finish my degree
in that area.”
“Wow, you’ve been busy.”
“I have.”
Porsha was still a bit surprised that Dillon had given up on having his own church, because once upon a time, he’d wanted nothing more than to be a megachurch pastor. But maybe working things out with his dad had truly changed his thinking.
“So what else is going on?” she asked.
“Can I come see you?” he said.
“What? Maybe you didn’t hear me. I asked you what else is going on?”
“I heard you. But I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t want to talk at all. I just want to come see you.”
Porsha didn’t like this. Their whole conversation was starting to make her nervous, and she worried about where it was headed. So she quickly told him, “No, definitely not.”
“Why?”
“For one, you’re engaged to be married, and two, I’m a minister at your ex-wife’s church—a church we run together, remember?”
Dillon chuckled.
“So I guess you think that’s funny?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well, I doubt you’re laughing for no reason. So what is it?”
“You really want to know?”
“I do.”
“Okay, you asked me so I’m going to tell you. I’m laughing about you being a minister. I mean, what’s that all about?”
“Oh, so you don’t believe that God calls women to preach?”
“I never said that. I just can’t believe you’re a minister.”
Porsha didn’t like the way Dillon was ridiculing her, but sadly, she understood his skepticism. She would never admit to him that the reason she’d settled on giving herself the title of minister was because she hadn’t known what other position in the church would give her regular interaction with the whole congregation. And as it had turned out, her choice had been a good one, because everyone seemed to like having her in that role. Except now, of course, Porsha was regretting her decision to become a minister more and more and didn’t want to play with God any longer. She didn’t want to keep lying to people about what God’s purpose was for her. The only problem, however, was that she didn’t know how to stop being a minister without being humiliated. Public shame and condemnation wasn’t something she wanted to deal with, which meant she would have to continue her façade a little while longer. Maybe if she stopped delivering sermons, though, it wouldn’t be so bad.
“Baby, come on,” Dillon said. “Because I know you haven’t forgotten all those Mondays we used to spend together. Remember, that was my day off from the church, and I would drive over to your suburb. We would make love on and off all day long. We never got tired of each other.”
Porsha knew he was telling the truth, and she couldn’t help thinking about the way they would in fact make love multiple times.
Of course, Dillon was thinking the same thing. “Don’t you remember how it used to be? Multiple times, all the way into the evening. Plus, we just liked being together. Remember?”
Porsha felt herself becoming weak, but then she thought about Steve and how she’d just had sex with him earlier.
“No. It’s not happening.”
“Why are you trying to be so hard about this? Because I know you want me. I can hear it in your voice.”
“I have to go, Dillon. I’ll talk to you later.”
She hung up before he could say anything else. Now, though, she breathed in and out. Why was he doing this to her? Contacting her and trying to be with her again after all this time? This just couldn’t happen, and she had to end whatever scheme he was plotting. She had to put things to rest between them once and for all. She would try to forget that he’d called her tonight, and that he’d been right about what he’d said. Because, God help her, she did want him—more than ever. She knew she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t help the way she felt. She couldn’t help wanting to commit the very same sin with Dillon she was committing with Steve. The only difference was that Steve had a wife, and Dillon had a fiancée. Still, sleeping with either of them was wrong, and there was no changing that. Facts were facts, and she couldn’t pretend otherwise.
Chapter 13
Kane was vice president of human resources for a logistics company, and since he and some of his colleagues were entertaining out-of-town clients for dinner, Raven was home alone this evening. To be honest, she wasn’t all that sad about it. Because had Kane not been so busy with work, he would’ve already seen her Facebook video. He rarely viewed them live, but he almost always watched them the same evening she recorded them and definitely by the next day. The reason she knew he still hadn’t seen it was because if he had, he would’ve immediately called to let her know how upset he was. He would’ve gone on and on about how wrong it had been for her to go public with something so personal when she hadn’t even had the courtesy to share it with him first. But it wasn’t like she’d had time to call him. She’d decided on a whim that she needed to shake things up a bit with her online viewers. Still, she knew it wouldn’t be long before she would have to explain herself to Kane, but she wouldn’t worry about that until she had to.
Now, she sat watching one YouTube video after another. Instead of looking at her own, though, she watched those of Reverend Curtis Black. She did this regularly, seeing what she could learn from him. It was true that she had zero respect for Pastor Black, but she couldn’t deny his natural-born charisma, his complete knowledge of the Bible, his great gift for delivering sermons, or his exceptionally good looks. The man had children in their thirties—at least his two eldest were, anyway—but he was still as handsome as always. He was the kind of successful pastor Raven aspired to be, and she was well on her way. The only difference was that she was a woman, and as it was with any other career or calling, a woman had to work five times as hard and be ten times as good in order to receive even similar respect as a man.
This made Raven angry, but there wasn’t a whole lot she could do to change the backward, sexist way some men thought. And interestingly enough, some women didn’t believe women should vie for positions that were mostly dominated by men, either. But Raven wasn’t going to let that kind of foolish thinking stop her from becoming who she wanted to be.
She watched another video and then came across one that she hadn’t listened to in a while. Because of yet another very public scandal that Pastor Black had gotten himself involved in, he’d decided to step down from his position as senior pastor. But this sermon had been delivered years ago, on the first Sunday he’d returned to his post. Raven clicked Play and turned up the volume.
“My, my, my. Well, today is the day the Lord hath made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it. And I guess it goes without saying that today I am a very happy man, and I am also a very humbled and grateful man of God. As my wife mentioned earlier, this has been one of the toughest years of our lives, but thank God it has also been a wonderful learning period for all of us. It has been a learning process that we truly needed to experience. A little over a year ago, I stood here, letting you know that because I’d made a ton of mistakes it was time for me to step down as your pastor. And that’s exactly what I did. I attended service each week the same as you, I participated in Bible study on Wednesday evenings as a member, and I read and studied my Word daily. Sometimes I studied from my home office for hours on end, and I’m here to tell you, it was very much worth it. Then, there were days when I turned out all the lights and closed the shutters in my office and got down on my knees so I could meditate. I did this so I could listen and hear from God without any distractions. I spoke to Him regularly, because I still had a lot of repenting to do. And it is because of all of this that I am totally recommitted to God’s work and this entire ministry. I now see things completely different than I did before. I’ve learned so much and improved so many things in my life, I really wish more pastors would step down and take a backseat when they know they’re not walking in God’s purpose. When they know they’re not doing all that God wants
them to do and what He expects from them. I finally feel as though I’m not just on the right path this time around, but instead, I’m now on an eternal path when it comes to my relationship with God. And believe me when I tell you that there’s definitely a difference.”
Raven pursed her lips. He’d sounded sincere enough, she gave him that much, but who was to say whether he’d kept his word and hadn’t done any more dirt? In all fairness, she had to admit that since that particular year, she hadn’t heard any rumors about him, not even while she was in prison, but she still didn’t trust a man who’d slept around on three different wives and who’d had two of his children with mistresses. The whole family was crazy if you asked Raven. Because for the life of her, she couldn’t believe Curtis’s current wife, Charlotte, had accepted that child and was raising Curtina as her own daughter. It was true that Curtis’s former mistress had died, but there was no way that Raven would have even considered raising a child that her husband had conceived with another woman—while he was married to her. Every time she looked at that child, it would’ve reminded her of her husband’s affair, but maybe Charlotte was different. Either that or she was willing to accept any- and everything if it meant she could keep her position as first lady of the largest church in Mitchell. Or more important, she could continue being married to one of the most well-known pastors worldwide, a man who made sure she wanted for nothing. Charlotte and Pastor Black were so wealthy, Charlotte would likely never want for anything ever.
So the more Raven thought about it, the more she realized that Charlotte had done what she needed to do. It was exactly what Raven would’ve done, too, if it had meant living the kind of lifestyle she longed for. Although there was something else that Raven had forgotten as well. Charlotte’s son, Matthew, had been conceived with Pastor Black while he’d still been married to his first wife, Tanya. So maybe this was the real reason she’d been able to accept Pastor Black’s outside daughter and move on. Maybe she felt guilty about what she’d done to Tanya. And now that Raven kept thinking about it, Charlotte had also gotten pregnant by a man she’d had an affair with on Pastor Black. She’d had a daughter who Pastor Black had raised as his own child, but that little girl had passed away when she’d been very young. So maybe this was the primary reason Charlotte had no problem with Curtina. But with the Black family, there was just no telling.
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