by P. S. Lurie
“What about you?”
“I’ll be fine. Ready?” he asks Claire.
Claire, Tess and I crouch down as Travis runs off, making noise to alert his presence. Not long after, I hear a chase as he leads guards off into the distance. After counting to ten I raise my head and check around us. From a group of ten of us entering the Upperlands and then losing and finding others along the way, it is now just three of us: Claire, Tess and me but I know that when I reach my house I will want to go in alone.
Facing the past is something that I swore I would never do but there are bigger things at play and I have no other choice.
Theia
The first time I entered the garden during the great cull I was furious that my family appeared defeated and wanted to give up. They had no fight but now I’m furious that Ronan has too much of a thirst for violence. He’s aware of what we need to do to survive but I refuse to kill any more people to win President Callister’s game, except for her but she’s too cowardly to face me. Instead, she has hidden behind words and armies and television screens. That is no way to rule a society.
I can’t be around Ronan right now because I don’t know how to talk to him. I should be ecstatic to be reunited with him and Leda but it’s not how I wanted it to be. I can’t even look at my sister because I can’t face asking what she thinks of me.
The sky is cloudless, as if President Callister has us monitored and has chosen tonight for a perfect condition for viewing this; if she’s watching from a distance then helicopters would have clear sight of us, not forgetting any soldiers in the vicinity will soon use heat sensitive glasses to keep us within our battlefield.
“Theia,” a voice calls from the distance.
“Ruskin.” I hurry over to the fence. I turn over some flowerpots and stand on them so that my head is above the height of the barrier. Ruskin and Jack are standing on chairs. I hug both of them, Jack especially, pleased that there doesn’t seem to be animosity towards me.
“I thought you were dead,” I say to Jack.
“Seems everyone did. Who’s with you?”
“Ronan and Leda. He wants to kill everyone. I don’t know what to do.”
“We were about to come over.”
“No. It’s not safe yet.”
“We’ll figure it out,” Ruskin says. “But there are soldiers all around. They’re in the houses the other side of here. And all along the street.”
“Have you seen Selene?” Jack asks me.
“Not yet. I was about to go.”
I hear a noise and turn around as a girl lands in my garden from over the fence connecting my house to Henry’s.
“No need,” Selene says. “Sorry I’m late to the party.”
Selene
“Fancy meeting you all here. Jack.” I beam at the boy.
“Hey you.”
“Ronan’s in the house,” Theia says. “He’ll kill you without hesitation.”
“Watch him try.” I see Theia’s disappointed expression; he’s still her brother after all. “I mean, I won’t kill him but he won’t kill me either. So Theia Silverdale, figured out a plan yet?”
“Sort of waiting on you for that,” she replies.
“I have enough of my own problems to contend with without sorting the rest of you lot out.”
“Who’s there?” Theia asks. “Not Melissa.”
“Nathaniel. Remember him? Nice guy.” The anguish in my voice comes through clearly.
“Oh Selene, I’m sorry. What’s he doing?”
“Planning a way to kill you all but he’s not stupid. He’ll be outnumbered. He knows I’m not on his side.”
“We have less than two hours to decide who does die,” says Ruskin.
“Way to put it brutally.”
“Ruskin’s right though,” Jack says. “We can’t avoid what we’re supposed to do.”
“Selene,” Nathaniel calls from Henry’s garden. His face appears over the fence and looks at each one of us in turn. “Evening y’all.”
None of us replies.
“Selene and I will kill you. I know her better than you. Blood is thicker than water after all.” He disappears back into the house.
“What’s he talking about,” Theia asks, once he’s gone.
“It doesn’t matter. Don’t worry, I won’t let him do anything to you.”
“Maybe we should all fight him now,” Ruskin says.
I think through that plan. The four of us on him would be the easiest way to kill him. “Thanks, but this one is all mine. Just don’t do anything rash for a while. I’ll be back soon and we can figure out your brother next.”
“Are you sure?” Ruskin asks. “I wouldn’t mind a fight.”
“Believe me. He’s not going to be a problem.” I’ve waited so long to kill him and I’m not going to feel any remorse in ending his life.
“Be careful,” Theia says, as I head back towards Nathaniel.
“Actually, I plan on being anything but that.”
Melissa
Claire and Tess monitor the street outside as I step into my house, which is something I swore I would never do. My heart races, not from being detected by any soldiers lurking in the darkness but from the ghosts that are reaching out to shroud me in their painful memories.
My parents gave their lives for me; that was never a question for them. They decided I would be Rehoused without a single moment’s hesitation. It was simple for them, they had argued, because I was an only child. They didn’t shelter me from the grim reality that they would be dead before sunrise and instead wanted to consult me on how they should die. Their only wish was that it wouldn’t be by the hands of the soldiers as they came to take me away to be Rehoused.
I could’ve conspired with them agreeably but I did the worst thing I could to my parents and have lived with the guilt ever since.
I walk through the house. All of the lights are off and I leave it that way, not only to conceal myself from the guards around the neighbourhood but to dim the shadows that linger even through the darkness.
Blacking out the horror.
Concealing the effusive bloodstains.
I grip the communication device tight in my fist, thinking of the knife that I held in the same hand the last time I was here. I wish I could say I killed my parents; that would have been more admirable than what I did.
It plays out in front of me as if I’m a bystander watching it in real time. I wanted nothing to do with their deaths and at first hid myself in my room as they decided they would stab themselves with kitchen knives, the only weapon-like objects in the house. During those dire hours I wrote messages to Theia as my parents ended their lives downstairs. But then I had a change of heart and I couldn’t let them die just like that; it went against everything in my training as a nurse. And as a daughter.
I creep up the stairs as a faded version of my former self brushes past me, hoping back then that she wasn’t too late to stop her parents from bleeding out. I hover halfway up the staircase, casting my eyes towards the downstairs and remembering the scene.
In the kitchen, my parents were dying, with grave stab wounds in each other’s stomachs, suffering with unnecessary endurance rather than more fatal attacks that would have finished them relatively painlessly. My mother’s sore eyes met mine as I rushed into action, wrapping up the slashes with towels and sheets and whatever would stop the blood flow.
“Don’t,” my father spoke softly, in a breathless undertone. I knew they had to die, but I wanted more time with them.
“I can’t. I love you.” I cried as I worked at prolonging their misery. Did I think I could save the three of us? I don’t know. My mind was so disturbed that all I could think about was keeping them alive.
They didn’t die for hours because of my interference.
I’ll never forgive myself.
Back in the present time, I reach my bedroom in the midst of despairing into my memory of what I did to them and wishing I could have acted differently. The worst
repercussion of what happened that night, in a hideously cruel twist, is that I have been thrust into a medical position more and more, at first a nurse in the Upperlands and then one of the few doctors back with the Middlelanders to have survived the cull. Each life I have saved is a bitter reminder of the wrong I did to my parents.
There is no one here and I tiptoe to my window but freeze as I notice a series of guards in the adjacent gardens, monitoring the three houses opposite. In the dark I haven’t been detected and I need to get Theia’s attention but only from here because I’ll be shot if I try to sneak outside.
The other thing I see is two familiar figures climbing the fence and hurrying into Selene’s garden but they don’t spot me and I can’t bang to attract their attention because the guards will see me too.
I try to write a message on a piece of paper but the pen needs some time to come to life and I scribble hard before the ink starts flowing again. I etch the words out and then I can do nothing but wait.
Jack
Theia and Selene return to their houses, leaving Ruskin and me in relative safety. It’s not lost on us that we have an easier ride to survival given the tension in the other homes even if it doesn’t resolve what we’re expected to do before the deadline. We’re back in the kitchen, sitting at the counter. “I can’t believe President Callister thinks we’ll kill each other.” It’s naive of me to think this because she gave us ultimatums before, to families in these streets and then to us in the prison and each time we acquiesced so why should this time be different? “Maybe we could fight off anyone that comes at us at eight.”
Ruskin isn’t replying. He’s lost in a daze.
“Is it Jason?”
“What? No, he’s dead.”
“What are you thinking?”
“What are we doing?”
“You mean, here?” I’m not sure what Ruskin is referring to, sometimes what’s going on in his head is completely lost to me.
“Why aren’t we helping Theia and Selene? Why are we sitting by passively when they could be getting killed?”
“Ronan won’t kill Theia and we can’t attack him. Theia will never let us. Selene didn’t want us to follow her.”
“So we just leave them?”
“I don’t know Ruskin!”
“Selene wanted to kill Nathaniel herself but you’re right. Why are we risking her death? With him out of the way it would gives us more time to figure out what to do afterwards.”
“Not if he’s killed her already.”
“You’re right. We can’t just sit here. Get a weapon. Anything that could do damage.”
Ruskin jumps up, his thirst for revenge reignited and I’m aware that I have deliberately encouraged violence within him. I’m terrified he’ll get injured but we’re past worrying about that. He opens the fridge door and takes a rusty machete hanging on the wall.
“Think this will do some damage?”
Theia
Only Leda is in the room when I return, sitting upright in her cot which is too small for her but she is happily minding her own business. I approach her cautiously, her rejection of me as much a danger to me as anything Ronan could attack me with.
“Hey baby.”
“Who are you?”
“Theia. Do you remember me?”
“I want my mummy.”
I swallow away the words I want to say.
“Can I give you a cuddle?”
Leda looks at me with apprehension but allows me to pick her up. I hug her tight, feeling the health in her after months of illness and malnourishment. She’s warm and I never want to put her down again or let her out of my sight. “I missed you so much Leda.”
She doesn’t reply but that’s for the best right now.
“Where’s Ronan?” I ask.
“I don’t know.”
I place her on the mattress, against my better judgement. “Wait here. I’ll come back for you when it’s safe. I love you so much Leda. This has all been for you. One day I hope you understand.” I kiss her forehead and close the door behind me, holding onto the knowledge that everything I have done has been for her. I’m uncertain what will happen next but I have to believe there’s a way to save what’s left of my family; whether that includes Ronan, I don’t know.
He’s not in my bedroom. I walk to the first window but I can’t see anyone in Henry’s room and feel bad for not going with Selene to help her against Nathaniel. Next I look across the gardens from the other window but except for a few soldiers in the adjacent gardens Ruskin, Jack and Selene are nowhere to be found. Then one figure catches my eye, standing directly opposite me even though she’s barely visible in the blacked-out room.
Of all the time I’ve been back in my house the sense of déjà vu has never been as strong as right now.
I instinctively go to call Melissa’s name but she holds her finger to her lips, telling me to be quiet and not draw attention to herself. Instead, she holds up a piece of paper, continuing a conversation that was put on hold so long ago.
Melissa
I know the sign is hard to read because of the light but I can’t risk being detected. Theia has seen me, which is at least one step closer to completing my plan. A surge of optimism rushes through me, informing me that I might be successful.
Theia shakes her head, unable to read the message that tells her I need to pass over the communication device. I scribble one word on the other side of the paper, taking up the whole sheet so that it is legible.
Garden.
Theia doesn’t react and I don’t know whether it’s because it’s too dangerous or she just hasn’t understood. I hold up the sleeve of the uniform that’s heavy in my hands; I’ve ripped away as much fabric as possible so it’s almost one solid mass without any extra material.
I hear gunshots from not far away and hope Claire, Tess and Travis are not on the receiving end.
Theia glances down to the rooms beneath me and looks terrified. It can’t be anyone on our side. Someone else must be in the house. I’ll never be able to get past them but I can’t stay in here.
I have to act now so I lift up the window. The panes creak and, as swiftly as possible, I throw the device with all my force, hoping that it doesn’t smash on impact with the ground. I watch as it passes our fence and lands in Theia’s garden, impressed with myself that I was able to throw as far as I did.
Immediately after, the light turns on in my bedroom but I don’t have time to turn around as someone pulls a trigger and shoots me in the spine. I see the horror in Theia’s face but have no ability to respond, to wish her luck or even take pride in my part in saving her, as I collapse to the ground and the life flows out of me.
Selene
After I leave the others I return to Henry’s house where Nathaniel is waiting for me in the upstairs bathroom. I step inside and lock the door. I don’t know why he’s chosen this room but it’s obvious that he’s ready to face my wrath. He’s weaponless and it’s as fair a fight as can be; we’re equally matched, which is how it’s always been between us. Nathaniel may be deluded that we could work together in an honest partnership but I won’t afford him the privilege. He destroyed so much of my life that he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
“I should have killed you whilst I had the chance,” I say.
“Shame.”
“You disgust me.”
“Kiss me Selene. Like at the fence, before the Utopia exploded.”
“I was pretending.”
“I know. But you can’t deny you didn’t feel the spark.”
“I don’t love you. I never did.”
“Lies.”
“Now who’s pretending?”
“You can be so stubborn Selene, ignoring what has to happen. We can survive this if we work together.”
“There’s only one problem.”
“What’s that?”
“I’d rather die than live if it means going anywhere with you.”
Nathaniel sighs. “You’re a fool.” He p
ulls something out from behind him that must have been tucked into his belt. A metal pole. I scan the room and see what I didn’t before: the towel rack has been snapped off the wall. Even without the sharp edges that could effortlessly pierce my skin, the weight of it is enough to strike me dead.
“Last chance.”
I pause, taking in his offer, scared that he’s armed. Nathaniel and I would have no trouble in killing everyone else, that much is obvious, and we could live on if President Callister keeps true to her word that our ordeal would be over. The glimmer of possibility burns strongly inside me. But I can’t side with Nathaniel. My tormentor, kidnapper, torturer, rapist. And maybe brother.
A memory enters my head, of the mantra I repeated in this very room when Henry was curled up over the toilet: ‘I’m not violent.’
Then a second voice: ‘I want to live, how can I be blamed for that?’ Considering the situation, Nathaniel is my best chance to live over the others. It’s tempting...
“I’ll offer you something,” I say.
“Oh yeah?”
“Put the bar down and fight me honourably.”
He laughs, disappointed that I haven’t given into him. “I always admired your conviction but your stubbornness did drive me crazy. You wouldn’t believe how hard I tried to rid you of that memory of being in the water. Alright.” Nathaniel bends his knees to drop the bar, then changes his mind and volleys it at me. I manage to duck just before the metal slams into the door behind me and our fight to the death has begun.
Theia
I could scream but it won’t do anything to reverse what has happened. The guard stares at me as he stands over Melissa’s body, which is on the floor and out of view. He works out why she would risk her life to come to me as I do the same. Something she threw. She wrote down what it was but I wasn’t able to read it.