Chapter 6
I watch her breathing as she lies next to me. I want to touch her face, to feel her soft, pale skin underneath my fingers again, but I don’t want to wake her. I move a thick strand of hair off her face and just look at her. She’s even more striking when she’s sleeping. The curve of her jaw calls out for me to kiss it.
The sun is coming in through the window and I know it’ll be up fully any minute. The light will come in and hit on the bed in the exact spot where she lies. Her skin will catch the light and I’ll lean in and breathe her scent. That same hair I think about running my fingers through will light up around her face. I let myself lift the sheet up and look at her ass, her long legs. My dick throbs painfully, full of want of her and the need to piss.
I pull my arm free carefully; she stirs a little and pulls the sheet back up over her body. I walk to the bathroom and relieve myself. The mirror greets me with that same old face, the face I selfishly hope she’s dreaming about. I wash my hands and then rub them over my eyes, washing away the night. Jack, old boy, I think as I stare at my reflection. You've let that girl put something on you. I smile in spite of what it means.
I go to leave my bedroom as quietly and quickly as I can, but can’t do it before pausing to watch the sun filter through the window like I knew it would. The strands of her hair seem to glow and her skin looks so soft, so kissable right now. I could move that sheet aside, push my t-shirt off her body and fuck her until she can’t walk. I know she’d let me and that’s why I fight the urge to do it.
In the kitchen, I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and down it in one drink. The muscles in my back are awake and need to be worked out, but I stare at the bedroom door, willing her to wake up and come talk to me. She’s the first person in a long time to break the silence that lives in my house. And within me.
I’ve done a very bad thing. A very wrong thing to this girl. How can I feel so good this morning when I know how bad I might end up making her feel?
The door to the bedroom stays closed, so I make my way to the basement to work off some of this frustration.
I pull on heavy bag gloves, working my tender right hand into it carefully, and hit the bag hard and fast, the pull of bone by muscle using up the space in my head. Carly’s eyes are my focal point and I imagine staring into them again, feeling her gasp into my neck as I ram my cock into her. The heavy bag isn’t so heavy as each punch lands with a loud smack.
Sweat runs down my body, but I keep going, keep pushing my arms and legs to do the work. I try to burn up my feelings, but they're always there, like a cancer. It eats away at me, not at my body, but at my soul. At the part of me that thinks I’d ever deserve someone like Carly, that I could ever make her happy. I tried that, but I got in my own way and now my heart is as closed up as a tomb. Or at least it was.
Finally, my muscles are satisfied with the burn and I unstrap the gloves from my wrist. I look down at myself, at the definition in my arms, but all I can see are the scars. The moment that Carly let her fingers rest on them made them real to me all over again. I wear my heartache in the form of marred skin. My head fills with the memory of both.
I shower in the upstairs bath, unwilling to wake Carly before her body comes to on its own. I can’t let myself think about the way her hand fits mine or the way her lips feel against my skin. Her body seems as though it was designed for me. She fits me in ways no woman has before, not even the one who led me to where I am now. I just had to pursue her, had to turn on the charm. I realize she charmed me, too, but what the fuck can I do about it now? I made a decision a long time ago and it’s one of those that you can’t easily go back on. I don’t know how to handle all these things this girl has made me feel; all the emotions I locked away have started to try and break free. The water beats down on my head and I try to lose myself in the sound of it. I lean into the stream and close my eyes. I can taste her in the heat of the shower.
I didn’t expect to feel so much so early. Hell, I didn’t expect to feel anything, ever again. The way the heart heals itself is different in every person, but in me, it shut down and turned off, beating only because it has to.
I drink a cup of black coffee, the bitterness like an old friend. Even knowing what Carly does to me, how I feel when I’m with her, I silently berate myself for doing this. Mark wouldn’t stop until I agreed to this date, but he doesn’t know what he’s done to his sister-in-law. I could take care of her every need, bend my life around hers in such a way that she’d love me forever, but to do that could be the biggest mistake of her life. To be that happy, that fulfilled is something I can’t have, a chance I refuse to take.
The bedroom door creaks open and a sheepish, sleep ruffled Carly walks out in just panties and my t-shirt. Her eyes meet mine and my resolve to do the right thing unravels.
“Good morning, beautiful,” I say.
She pulls at the shirt hem, attempting to pull it down over her legs. She has sexy legs, long and strong. I see myself between them again, right there where she stands.
“Good morning,” she says. Then she gives me that smile. It’s brighter than the sun.
“Would you like a cup of coffee?” I offer.
“I’d love a cup,” she says, walking through the living room to join me in the kitchen. “Maybe I’ll be able to function at work today.” She sits on the barstool and winces a little. I'm happy to see I've left my mark.
“How do you take it?” I ask.
“Black as midnight on a moonless night,” she answers.
“You've watched Twin Peaks?” I ask, surprised. She just piqued my interest again.
“Love me some Agent Cooper,” she says with a grin. She takes the mug and puts it to those naturally red lips. I wonder what they’d look like wrapped around my dick. I lean my hips closer to the island to hide what the thought does to me.
“You are full of surprises,” I say.
She smiles at me again, but I can’t help but think she seems distracted. All her cockiness is gone.
“You okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I just feel a little…," she turns those strange eyes at me. "I don’t know, weird.” She rubs her long fingers up her arm and then curls them around the coffee cup.
I walk around the island and turn her barstool toward me. I know I shouldn’t, but I lean over her and kiss her mouth. Carly hesitates at first, but gives in completely. Goddamn, she is electric.
“Don’t feel weird,” I whisper. Why am I doing this? I’m using everything I can think of to get to her, even when I know I can’t keep her. It just feels right to me somehow.
“Okay,” she says. She nuzzles in my neck then and my hands are around her waist before I can think. I pull her to her feet and stare into those wild eyes of hers. They’re tame today, but I’ll never forget how they looked last night when she was tied to my bed.
Can I be as heartless as I’m about to be? Will I be able to let her go after I say what’s coming out of my mouth now?
“Let’s go back to my bed,” I say, because I’m a fucking asshole.
“What’s in it for me?” she asks. Her eyes look almost golden as I let my hands venture down the curve of her ass. There’s my little pistol.
I take her hand and cup her fingers underneath the bulge in my shorts. She gasps appropriately. “This is in it for you. And anything else you want.” I kiss her, savoring the taste of her lips as she parts them to let my tongue in her mouth. One more time won’t make things any worse, I lie.
She runs the tip of her tongue across her lips to let me know she’ll follow me wherever I want. I push her around to get her in front of me and let my hands rest on her delicious hips. “After you, doll.” I can’t help myself, so I bury my face in the nape of her neck and kiss down her shoulder and follow her to my room.
She scoots back on the bed and I pull my shirt over my head. I let my fingers trace her sides as I peel my stolen shirt off her body and then she’s naked except for her panties. I get a good look at her in
the daylight and she’s simply gorgeous. Big, full breasts with pink nipples that I plan to make raw, a perfectly soft and comforting middle and those long, slightly thick legs that beg to be parted. I know she doesn’t see it; it’s obvious at moments when she forgets I’m looking at her. I’ll see that uncertainty in her face, the lack of acceptance of her beauty.
“Let me look for a minute,” I say, eating her up with my eyes.
I slide her panties down and look at her pussy. She's neatly shaven and I can already see the rush of blood that paints it pink.
“Turn around,” I say.
She puts her back to me without question and I trail kisses down her shoulders. Her skin is on fire. I run my hands down her side again and watch the chills that pop up on her skin.
I bring my hand up around the nape of her delicate neck and gently push her forward, almost face down on the bed. Her ass is in the air and for a second, I imagine fucking that, too. I lean back and rummage in the drawer and thankfully manage to find another condom.
“You have the prettiest ass I’ve ever seen,” I say. I unroll the condom down over my dick. “Can I smack it?”
She thinks about my request for all of a second. “Only if you make it feel good,” she says, her words coming out in a gasp.
“Oh, most definitely,” I groan. I push the head of my cock into her and right as I plunge deep inside, I smack her hard on the ass.
She squeals and it’s the kick start to my engine. I put my hands on her hips, digging into the soft flesh and gently as I can, which isn’t gently at all, I pull her ass back and forth as I push into her. I want to get lost in her and never be found.
“Moan it out, baby,” I grunt. Carly pushes her body against me and I drive harder and harder into her, unable to stop until I come. She props herself up on her elbows to be able to take it. She moans loudly as her muscles tighten around my cock. I move my hips as fast as I can and fuck her as if my life depends on it. I see her tits bounce against the bed sheet and it drives me insane. I want to be behind her, underneath her and on top of her all at the same time.
“I can’t believe how good you feel,” I mutter out loud. I’m almost to the point of passing out from the building orgasm. Her pussy clenches tightly around me and I know she’s close.
“Fuck, I’m coming,” I warn. I let go just as she does, the feeling of her orgasm tightening and then releasing prolongs my own. I feel like I’m fucking the most beautiful and satisfying woman in the world. Because I am.
I stand behind her for a minute, not entirely sure if I’m unwilling or unable to pull out of her. I can feel her heartbeat through our connected bodies.
Finally, I slide out of her as she pulls the blanket over herself and tries to catch her breath.
“Damn, girl,” I groan. I can barely move. It’s almost like being drugged. I grab some tissues from the nightstand and dispose of the condom.
“Damn yourself,” she whispers. Her hair falls around her head in a tangled mess as she turns over onto her back.
I lean my head back and my breath comes out in a rush. Carly smiles up at me, those perfectly plump lips begging me to kiss them. I lean over her and smash our lips together. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me back just as hard. It becomes a battle to see who will beg the other to stop first. She loses as I nip at her bottom lip. I continue the playful bites down her chin, her neck and over her collar bone.
“Jack,” she squeals as I nibble her shoulder. “I’ll bite you back if you don’t stop that.” I keep grazing her skin with my teeth until she pulls my neck to her mouth and bites me playfully. I shudder and then she realizes she’s found a weakness in me. She bites at me again, a little more forcefully. My deflating cock begins to get hard again and I have to stop this.
“You’d better quit that,” I warn. I put my arms next to her head and rub her hair back from her temples.
“I'm glad I’d found a biter like me,” she says with a giggle. That sound is fucking irresistible and the way her eyes crinkle a little at the sound makes her look impossibly young.
I let myself look at her, this beautiful creature, and I wonder. Could I let myself have her? Can I be that selfish? I can try not to hurt her, not to get hurt myself. She deserves more than half of me; that much I know for sure, but everything in me craves her.
“Carly,” I start. “I have to tell you something.” I have no idea where I’m going with this. I let myself look at her again. “I want you to know that I never planned on this happening. I’m not some heartless asshole, but I know you’re gonna think I am.”
She lies there looking up at me; the freshly-fucked mess of her hair and her slightly smudged makeup do nothing to detract from her loveliness. Her eyes narrow a little and I know she’s already on guard for what’s coming.
“I don’t bring women home and I don’t have one night stands. Hell, you’re the first woman I’ve slept with in a long time.”
Carly’s eyes are absolutely disbelieving. She works her mouth up to say something, but I put my finger over it to silence her. This has to be said.
“The thing is, when I finally took the phone number from Mark, it was to get you off my mind. I’d thought about you almost constantly since that night at the club. Then, I go on the date, and it’s you and we click again, only more so. I’ve never lied to you and I’m not about to start now.”
Carly continues to look at me, the flood of things she wants to say to me is held at bay by her lips, but barely. If she says something funny or witty or sweet, I know I’ll lose my nerve.
“Like I told you last night; I can’t be in a relationship with you.”
She looks as though I’ve smacked her, but the expression is gone almost before I register that it was there.
“And again I say, I never expected you to,” she says coolly. Though I suspect she hoped for it. I know I hoped I could.
“I know, but I just wanted you to know why.” I say. The words come out, exactly what I should say, but they feel so wrong. Now that I’ve said it, I know I don’t believe it. I could be in a relationship with her and I could embrace the risk just to be with her. Or I could let her go back out of my life and possibly into another relationship that she doesn't want. The thought of that little punk I hit at the club touching her fills my head with sick anger. She feels like she belongs to me.
"I mean, I've fucked up so many things in my life and it's left me at something of a disadvantage when it comes to this," I say. "I told you I can't make any promises to you and I feel like shit because you're the type of woman men move mountains for."
"No, I'm not, Jack," she says. "I've let myself imagine all kinds of nice things since I woke up this morning." She looks pained to admit this to me. "But the truth of the matter is, I have so many hang ups myself that I know it’d be me that would fuck things up."
If she'd have said anything else, if her eyes had filled with tears at least I'd know that I'd spared any real damage to her in the long run, but the fact that she's played out an entire relationship in her head, one that she ruined, makes me feel like even more of an asshole. And I feel like proving her wrong.
"Everything in me tells me you deserve more than what I think I can give," I say.
Her face hardens and I want nothing more than to bring back that playful girl, the one who keeps me on my toes.
"Jack-," she starts, but I stop her words with my mouth. I kiss her to show her how I feel because I'm just not ready to say it, but she puts her palms against my shoulders and gently pushes me away.
"Jack, listen. I've spent the last year with someone who only wanted me for their own selfish reasons. I wasn't good enough to be with him, but it was fine for him to come to my house and sleep with me. I let myself believe that that kind of relationship served me in some way." She swallows past a lump in her throat and I see layers of hurt in her eyes, not just from him, but from life. "I realize I am worth more than that and I won’t make the same mistake with you.”
She lifts
my arm and slides off to the side, leaving me on my bed alone. I watch as she disappears into the bathroom after stopping to pick up her dress. I realize what a mistake I've made and just like always, it’s too little too late.
§
The ride back to Captain's is the worst twenty minutes I've had in a while. Carly stares out the window and says nothing to me. Not that I blame her. I dumped my bullshit reasons for not wanting a relationship on her right after we had sex. How do I expect her to feel after that? I'm such a fucking dick.
The parking lot is mostly empty as I pull alongside the exit lane and she turns to me for the first time since we pulled onto the highway.
"Thanks for the sex," she says. I look at her, hoping she's making a joke, but she's not. She's minimalizing everything that's happened to just the sex.
"Carly-," I start, but she opens the door and climbs from the vehicle. I watch her walk around the front of the cab and she doesn't even look my way. I continue to watch her until she almost gets to her car. This is not right, it's not what I want and I know that clearer than ever now.
I open my door and climb from the vehicle. I walk toward her and she tries to get inside her car before I make it there.
I put my hand on the door frame to keep her from slamming it shut.
"Let me go, Jack," she says shakily.
"Carly, dammit, just hear me out," I say. She pulls the door from my hand, but then pushes it open and climbs back out.
"I heard you, Jack," she says fiercely, her eyes so beautiful in the afternoon light that I can’t stop staring into them. "Listen, I'm trying to be okay with this, okay with the fact that you wait all of two seconds after we fuck to tell me that's all you want. I'm not an idiot; I never expected you to fall madly in love with me and actually want to be with me, but I at least thought you'd be nice enough to wait until your dick is out of me to say that's all I'm good for."
I move toward her, but she recoils. I stand there, my hand outstretched as she puts as much distance between us as she can. I've been so wrong, so completely stupid about this whole thing.
Save Me (Saved Series, Book One) Page 9