by Nina Manning
‘It does us,’ I said with a sniff.
‘And you have kids?’
‘Two. But don’t think I’ll be telling you what school they go to,’ I said too coldly. I regretted my tone.
‘I’m no paedophile,’ Todd said with clear offence.
I looked at him, tried to assess his thoughts, his feelings, his motivations. What had gone on between us all those years ago? It was surreal to be sitting next to him after so much time had passed. As though those years never happened.
‘So you didn’t post a Mini car through my letter box?’ I needed to be clear on everything.
‘How the hell would I post a Mini through your letter box. I told you, Francesca.’
And the way he spoke my name gave me the same fluttering in my stomach as it had when I was sixteen, and then it was as though we hadn’t had twenty years without contact.
‘I don’t know your house. I just know you live on the posh road.’ Todd squinted at the hazy sun.
‘It’s not posh.’ I kicked my heels on the grass. I wanted to edge even closer to Todd, to take his hand in mine.
‘Well, it’s posher than my digs.’
I let out a small laugh. I thought about who Todd was all those years ago. A druggy, a skag head, a dealer. But also a lover, a friend, a trusted companion. I chose my friends well. Regardless of what we did, where we ended up, we told the truth. We didn’t hide things from one another. Even when Todd started using, he didn’t try to hide it from me, that’s what I loved about my gang the most. Me, Kiefer, Nancy, Minty, Dave and anyone else who hung about the Chambers pub or wherever else we were, we all knew who we were and we loved each other anyway. Regardless of what happened to drive us apart, I knew that there was a bond that we once shared and a bed we had lain in together.
‘Okay,’ I said quietly. ‘I believe you.’
I noted the jitter of fear which pelted through my body, reminding me that if Todd was telling the truth, there was still someone out there who wanted to hurt me.
The sun had moved as we sat and now there was only one ray that came through the trees and hit the spot between us. I saw Todd lift his head to the light and I did too. Bonds from our youth are stronger than anything I have ever known. And even though the burning flames from a first love will fade, the remaining embers can live on and the warmth can suddenly catch you unaware. Especially when the love was stopped short before its time. And so there we were, two old friends, two old lovers, sitting on a park bench drinking in the warmth of the gentle morning sun.
42
Now
I arrived at the office with a muddle of emotions. I had embraced Todd for a whole minute or so. I ignored the musty smell from his clothes and tried to remember he was still the same guy underneath. My first love. The guy I had loved so furiously that I would have done anything for him. Except in the end, I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I said I needed a little time to try to figure out how I could help him. I gave him enough money to get him into the hostel for the next seven nights but there was always the risk he would use it for drugs. The money was nothing to me: a cab fare home on a Saturday night, or a takeaway.
Mason was at his desk on the phone, he gave me a subtle thumbs up without even changing his facial expression as he spoke. I thought about the difference between the two men. The ex-lover I had just been with in the park, homeless, stinking of booze and sweat, who lay on the urine soaked concrete of an alleyway, his shoulders hunched with the cold. Then there was Mason, who always smelt so fresh, who always knew what to say. People knew of him and everyone seemed to respect him. He ran a successful business and could stay in a five star hotel every night of the week if he wanted to.
Back at my desk images of Todd and I together as our younger selves kept coming back to me, the short time we spent together as a couple; just a few months had felt like a lifetime.
I sighed and looked at the mass of emails waiting for replies. But I was still reeling from the interaction with Todd. I had been here in the same town as him for all this time, the town I grew up in, and there he was, living rough.
His departing words to me that morning were: ‘Look after yourself, Francesca.’
Here was a man alone and vulnerable, who could be murdered as he slept, and he was telling me to take care of myself. I knew I had to do something to help him.
But I didn’t know what. I couldn’t bring him into our home, put him in the spare room.
Now I knew it wasn’t Todd behind the terrorising I also needed to focus on what to do next. The car was a defiant act; someone wanted me to know that they were thinking about that night twenty years ago. But were a couple of texts and a toy car through the door enough to bring in the police? What else was there to do? Sit and wait for something more serious to happen? I needed to remember back to that Friday night, when I was so drunk in the pub and Penelope said I was talking to someone, a man. I had thought she meant Todd, that was why I froze when she gave the description. But now I knew it couldn’t have been him. Not after I saw how fragile and ill he looked now and how he had given me his word.
My phone pinged. It was a text from Damian.
Mislaid my keys. Need to grab a few bits from the house. Can I come to reception and get them at 3?
I bashed out my reply.
I’ll be home at 4.30, can’t it wait until then?
* * *
I don’t really want to be in the house at the same time as you. I’ll be in and out before you get home.
* * *
Fine. I’ll leave them at reception. Can you leave in the usual place when you’ve finished?
* * *
Yes
I sellotaped the key to a Bliss compliments slip so it didn’t slide about and attract attention, then I opened my drawer under the desk, retrieved a white envelope and put the key in it and sealed it. I went to reception and handed it to Carys and asked her to give it to my husband Damian when he arrived.
I flopped back down at my desk and a few seconds later Penelope sat down at hers.
‘Hey,’ I said.
‘Is everything ok? I saw you at reception just now?’ Penelope inquired.
Venturing out from behind my desk was a rare occurrence. I was usually so busy between the hours of eight and four that I would only have time to nip to the loo and often missed my lunch break.
‘I had to leave my key at reception for Damian. He has lost his, can you believe it?’
‘He’s a man, isn’t he?’ Penelope said with a smirk and I made an effort to laugh longer and louder at her joke than was absolutely necessary because it was the most she had ever interacted with me. I felt sorry for her, especially knowing about those cuts on her arm. I wondered if there ever was a man in her life. Perhaps those cuts were the result of the breakup. Was there ever a right time to ask these things?
Fish swung by with a coffee and I looked up to thank him. Behind him I could see Lil looking at me. Her hard stare suddenly broke into a beaming smile when she saw I was looking right at her. It was clear to me now there was some envy there because Fish gave me attention; brought me coffees and water.
‘He’s a diamond, your man,’ I said loudly and raised my coffee cup.
She grinned and giggled, and I hoped I had done what I needed to do to assure her I wasn’t about to steal her boyfriend from under her nose.
For the rest of the morning I managed to throw myself into my work and ignored all passing thoughts of worry. Just before midday, Penelope told me she was leaving site for a meeting, which I found rather refreshing as usually she barely kept me in the loop as to her whereabouts. I wondered if she was finally beginning to accept me and no longer saw me as a threat.
The next thing I knew it was 3.30 p.m. and my phone pinged. It was Damian.
Thanks for keys. In usual place. I’ll have a good hunt for mine later. Might need to get some more cut
Whatever he needed to do he had done it pretty quickly. I knew it was a good thing that we were k
eeping out of each other’s way, at least until we could reach a point where we could try to understand whatever it was we were afraid of truly saying. If it was the end then we both needed to be able to communicate that and then make the relevant decisions that would be the right ones for all of us. If there were such a thing as a right decision.
I sat back in my seat, stretched my arms up and glanced round the office, as I did, I saw Lil was looking at me again; her serious expression once again morphed into a gleaming smile.
Penelope came back into the office and slid into her desk.
‘Good meeting?’ I asked.
Penelope gave me a thumbs up whilst immersing herself with something on her phone. Was I imaging the change in her behaviour again?
My phone pinged again. This time it was Nancy.
We still on for tonight girl?
I typed out my reply.
Still on. I’ll do snacks, bring wine
* * *
Of course! Laters x
I arrived home and straight away began looking around the house to see what Damian had taken or done. The children were being looked after by Harriet and she said she would give them their tea. I wasn’t sure how I felt about Harriet having my kids. Was she the one Damian was playing away with? I made a mental note to cop a look at her earlobes later to see what kind of earrings she wore.
I headed upstairs to see if Damian had taken any more clothes, but the contents of the wardrobe looked the same. Back downstairs, in the study by the front door, I noticed a few drawers had been left open, and even though I was annoyed with Damian for sweeping through the house like a whirlwind without a care for anyone but himself, I still did the dutiful thing and went around closing them all.
In the kitchen I poured myself a glass of wine and contemplated texting him exactly what I thought of him.
The doorbell trilled through the house, dragging me from my thoughts and rescuing Damian from the onslaught of my feelings.
I pulled off my suit jacket and walked to the door clutching my wine.
I had barely pulled it open when Pixie and Maddox both ran at my legs, nearly knocking me over backwards.
In front of me stood Harriet. I had still never formally met her. Images of her and Damian together kept flashing into my head, yet here she was delivering my children back to me.
‘Hi, I don’t think we have met properly. I’m Harriet.’ She flung her hand out towards me. She was still rocking that forties vibe with a tight pink long sleeved woollen top tucked into a beige pencil skirt. She wore long feathery earrings today, a complete contrast to the small pink studded earring I had discovered in my room.
‘Oh.’ I transferred the wine from my right hand to my left and took her hand in mine.
‘Really nice to meet you,’ I said through the biggest smile I could fit on my face. ‘Hope they behaved!’
‘They are adorable. Both scoffed their dinner. I made a soya mince cottage pie, they didn’t seem to notice it wasn’t meat, I’m vegetarian you see.’
‘Oh well, that’s good then, isn’t it, kids. What do you say to Harriet?’
The kids started sing-songing their thank yous, then disappeared into the snug.
‘Sorry I’m a tad earlier than five, I’m going out tonight.’
‘Right,’ I said dully.
‘I see you’re on it already?’ She motioned to the wine.
I raised my eyebrows and did a tight-lipped smile. ‘Yep, caught me out there I’m afraid.’
‘Oh, I don’t blame you, it’s hard being on your own, isn’t it?’
I was floored for a second. Damian had moved out less than forty-eight hours ago and here was Harriet trying to show empathy for my situation.
‘Kids can be challenging. Especially having two of them,’ I said, feeling like I had hit the back of the net when I watched her face crumple. My two kids trump your one, I thought, as I flashed her my best smile.
‘Well, anyway,’ she looked round and did a shiver. ‘Better get back and get ready. I’ll see you next week.’ She turned slightly towards the path.
‘Great. And thanks for having them, bye then,’ I said.
‘Oh, it’s—’
I didn’t hear the last of the sentence because I kicked the door to with my foot and the weightiness of the metal hitting the frame reverberated around the stark hallway.
‘I made a soya mince cottage pie, I’m a vegetarian,’ I mocked in a squeaky voice to myself.
‘Mummy, who are you talking to?’ came Pixie’s voice from behind me.
I peered through the glass to see if I could see Harriet still on the doorstep, but it was all clear.
‘No one, darling.’ I turned and stroked her hair. ‘How was school?’
We began walking back towards the kitchen together.
‘Well, Mummy, you are not going to believe what happened today.’
‘Go on, sweetie, tell me.’
After I had put the kids to bed, there was a light knock on the door. I quickly pulled on a pair of jogging bottoms and a light grey flannel top and opened the door.
‘Well, girl, you’re a sight for sore eyes,’ I said as Nancy opened her arms, a carrier bag of wine over one arm. ‘Let’s get this cracked open.’
And the sight of alcohol and my best friend were the only things I needed right now. I knew as that as soon as I could get another drink down me, all my worries would evaporate.
43
September 1998
I threw myself back into college. I needed to get the grades, I wasn’t going to be one of those people who skived off to get pissed and high all week and came away with nothing to show for two years of studies. I wanted to do something with my life. I hadn’t heard anything from Todd for a few days, not since I walked out of that flat. His absence was an ache that came and went only when I could distract myself.
I came home from a late seminar on Wednesday to find him sitting on the doorstep. Mum and Dad were in as usual, watching Neighbours.
I stood there with my Benetton bag on one shoulder looking down at him. He looked okay, tired but okay.
‘I don’t want to do that stuff again, Frank.’
‘So don’t do it,’ I said, kneeling down to his level, pleading with him. My intention of playing the role of hardened girlfriend from our three day break fell by the wayside. My insides were exploding with joy, the fact he had come for me, he wanted to stop, meaning he wanted me more than that stuff.
‘I want to. I do. But you must understand it’s like no other experience on earth. I think to myself I won’t do it and then it’s there and my God, it’s so good. But this, this feeling afterwards, I’m terrified I will become an addict. I don’t want that. Because, well, the thing is… I want you more.’
I closed my eyes for a second so I could absorb his words.
I sat down on the step next to him. ‘So, what shall we do?’
Todd looked at me, put his arm around me and pulled me into him. He smelt like fresh linen and soap. ‘See, this is why I love you. You’re so pragmatic and—’
‘Hold on, did you just say what I thought you said?’ I interrupted Todd and turned my body to look him.
Todd smirked. ‘Yes, I did. I called you pragmatic.’
‘Yeah, and the bit before that? Are we going to just skip over that bit as though it never happened?’
Todd feigned confusion then said, ‘Oh right, that bit, yeah,’ then he leant over and said it again, only this time it was a whisper in my ear. I fell into his arms and felt sheer joy and happiness. The only thing I wanted was Todd. I knew he needed me. And I would be there for him. No matter what got in the way.
44
Now
‘I’ve missed you, girl.’ Nancy poured wine, wearing her standard outfit of three quarter length jeans and kitten heels, even though it was freezing out. Her curly hair was bunched up in a high ponytail and I thought how she still looked like a teenager.
‘What have you been up to?’ She handed me a glass.
‘Just been feeling a bit numb about it all really,’ I said, thinking about Damian.
‘Yeah. So, tell me about Mason, how was the trip?’
I paused for a second, because Nancy had clearly just sidestepped around me talking about Damian which, between two friends, was clearly more important than news on Mason. I was aching to ask her how she had known that mine and Damian’s argument happened at Mason’s house.
‘You knew I was at his house with Damian, how would you know that?’ I asked as I looked at Nancy sipping her wine. She swallowed and let out a small cough.
‘I have a great imagination. Of course hotshot Mason would host a dinner party at home. I presume he resides in the penthouse suite? Very Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.’
I shrugged. ‘Not quite like that, Nancy, but yes, he has the penthouse.’
‘Eeeek! Was it amazing, I mean, what kind of furniture does he have?’
Relief swept through me. Why was I doubting Nancy? She was my best friend. We understood each other perfectly.
‘Why are you so fascinated by Mason Valentine? How’s things with you and Harry?’ I sipped my wine.
Nancy waved her hand. ‘Oh, he’s away at the moment, but that’s for business. Not back for another week. It’s nice, actually.’
‘Not missing him?’ I asked.
‘We’ve been together ten years. What is there to miss? The snoring, the mess.’ Nancy started looking around the kitchen, avoiding eye contact. I assessed her for a second, trying to work out what was going on.
‘Did something happen with you and Harry?’ I said quietly.
Nancy shook her head and pulled her lips down. ‘Nope. Everything dandy. I fancy a fag, do you fancy a fag? Cheeky midweek ciggy?’