He calls Stephanie and Brian and talks to Clara. They are on board with splitting Clara's time between Chicago and South Carolina. Brian thinks she has the greater connection to John there and that will help her transition. They all agree if she can't settle in there, John will split his time between Chicago and the beach. His Chicago house can sit empty for now.
John visits his Facebook page to try to get a handle on how it works. He has another in-box message from Pemberley. John, please come see me tomorrow. Alone. Inside my bottom right desk drawer, you will find a white envelope. Please bring it to me. He finds the envelope immediately. It is thick and it is sealed. He lies down but sleep doesn't come for a long time.
John arrives at Pemberley's room at eleven o'clock with a coffee for Rodrigo. Rodrigo greets John warmly in the hallway, thanking him for dinner and the coffee. Rodrigo is impressed by this caring and considerate man. He is a good match for Anna. Rodrigo excuses himself for the lobby to give them an opportunity to visit alone. John takes a moment to recognize the Pemberley he sees in the hospital bed. Her eyes are sunken, she has withered into her illness, yet she has the swollen face that comes with high doses of strong medication, medications that will either save you or kill you. Her braids are gone. A silver headscarf is all that remains. John tries to steady his face and hide the sadness. He knows she won’t want it.
She reaches her hand to him, "Please, please, please don't do that I'm so sorry you are going to die shit. I know you are. That is the most boring conversation in the world. No one is coming in here who isn't sorry, so let's just cut to it. Okay? And please smile. I don't have much opportunity to see gorgeous men around here. Let me see you smile and talk with you like we are sitting on your deck after eating a delicious steak, sipping a lovely Syrah. Just us listening to the ocean. Okay?"
He nods and moves his face into a smile as instructed. The smile isn't forced because even in this advanced state of disease and pain, she is still funny.
"I have a lot to say. If I fall asleep, I do that sometimes, please wait it out. I doze off and wake up quite a bit. Okay?" she asks again.
He takes a seat in the red leather chair at her bedside. The weight of all the feelings that have been felt in that chair is not lost on him. This is a chair that has held a lot of grief and sadness. Hopefully some joy too.
Pem begins, her voice deeper than usual, drier. "After I met you, I did some research on you. I am an investigative journalist you know. I don't know a mystery that isn't a challenge. I snuck up to your bedroom and stole a look at your driver’s license when we were at your place on the Fourth. I knew you were a Chicago attorney, so you were easy to find. John I am so sorry for everything you went through. The horror of finding your wife was almost too much but being taken into custody. It is unimaginable. Thank god the physical evidence at the scene pointed to a suicide and you didn’t have to face an arrest and a trial. It hasn't worked out that way for every husband in a similar situation. I looked at some other stories. Anyway, my point is that you have been through a lot. Anna loves you. And I know you love her. But if you two decide to have a baby together, you have to get some help working that through."
"Anna is five weeks pregnant," John says letting it all out.
"Motherfucker. That suddenly sounds like a really strange word. Why is she back here then?"
"Long story," he says with a sad shake of his head.
"It's now or never darling." She manages to keep smiling.
John lays it all out for Pemberley. He tells her about finding Sarah after the suicide and leaving Clara with Stephanie and Brian. He tells her about running to Argentina and even Buenos Aires. He tells her more than Anna knows because there is something cathartic about unloading to a dying woman with a low level of criticism and a good sense of humor. He lays out his panic disorder, flashbacks, nightmares and then finally his plans with Anna.
Her face is impassive, free of judgment. When he is done, she is quiet, closes her eyes and falls asleep. A nurse comes in to check her vital signs and within twenty minutes, Pemberley awakens.
"John, are you telling me you were Tyler fucking Durden in Fight Club. Jesus H. Christ. That should scare me about you, but it doesn’t. Just stay off the drugs and get your shit together.”
He smiles at her words, even though those memories make him sick.
She continues, “My guess is that Anna hasn't told you much about her marriage with Dylan and her life in England. She doesn't talk about it. I will tell you some. I will tell you for the sake of the baby. You both have a lot of baggage that will try to keep you apart. There is no denying that. I feel okay violating Anna's trust for the baby.”
John isn't sure if he should stop her. He doesn't want to betray Anna's confidence. But he trusts Pemberley to make that judgment. He silently asks for her to continue with a raise of his chin.
"Dylan beat her. Did you know?” Another nod. “When they met in England, she was young and had very few friends.”
His heart skips a beat. “Was he British too?” Anna told him they had met at in college.
“No, he was doing a semester abroad. Her family was a mess. Alcoholic father, enabling mother who wasn’t interested in protecting her daughter. She was adopted as an infant. I always wondered why people would adopt a baby if they didn’t want to be parents. I think she got hit at home a lot too. Dylan had a rough time with his stepfather. They were drawn together by that, I think. They were lonely kids. I don’t think Dylan became violent until later, but it was in there, the need to control her, jealousy. And you are attracted to what you know, right? Over the years, I think he became more and more violent. Anna wouldn't leave. It would happen and then he would be fine for a long time. She kept it from me. I didn’t know anything until the baby died. John, it was horrible. She had to deliver her daughter. It was a living, fucking nightmare. I was traumatized so I can’t begin to understand how Anna felt.” Pem pauses and stares out the window. John can see the pain on her face. “She and Dylan seemed so happy. I will never forgive myself for missing it. She was in the hospital for two days. She told everyone there was a break in, except me. She didn’t want to ruin the fucker. I wanted her to come with me to New York. She wouldn’t come. Then the car accident and the tumor and it didn’t really matter anymore. I'm going to close my eyes for a minute and then we are going to talk about that envelope. Why don't you open it and take a look while I..." and she sleeps.
He breaks the seal on the envelope. Inside are photos of Anna as a child, a birth certificate, adoption papers, and scanned images of photos of an assortment of people, and an investigator’s report. He pieces it together by the time Pemberley awakens and reaches for water. John lifts the cup, bringing a straw to her lips. Pemberley clicks the button on her pain medication infuser.
"Being needy sucks. Did you read it?" she asks.
"Anna's parents are her biological aunt and uncle?"
She nods. "By the time Anna decided to move forward with her plans to have a baby on her own, I knew I had cancer. I didn't know how bad or how fast it would go. I thought I had more time. But Anna's family situation always drove me nuts. When she went to College Park to be with Dylan, she literally never spoke to her parents again. I thought they were dead and she should know. I hoped they were better and she should know that too. People do get better, right?”
“I hope so Pemberley,” he says with a thoughtful smile.
“I put an investigator on this in June. It wasn't completely legal... sealed records and all that bullshit. I brought this with me when I came for July 4th, but what was happening between you two needed to be left alone, not complicated more. Anna was so happy for the first time in years. But it all seemed so delicate. I didn't want to make waves. I decided it could wait until September. But my recovery from the surgery has sucked. The chemo has sucked even more. I can't have her watch me die. You will take her away? You will tell her about her mother?"
"I will." John’s brain is spinning with all of this informati
on.
"John, I researched you pretty thoroughly. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake with you that I did with Dylan. I know you are a good man, but you have been through some shit. Get some help, John.”
Again there is nothing to say so he nods. “Have you been in touch with Anna’s mother?”
"Yes, it is all in there. Read the emails."
"I'll take care of this," he says, but he has no idea how.
"John, one last thing about Anna. She is the most brave and the most terrified person I have ever known. To get the perfect photo, she will do anything. I have seen her stand thirty feet from a roaring lion to get the right angle. She has sloshed through swamps, ducked gunfire, and literally climbed mountains. But she is terrified when it comes to her heart. Be patient with her. It won’t be easy, but find happiness together. Sometimes good things happen too. Don't always be waiting for the bad."
He thinks they are done and she is obviously exhausted. He kisses her cheek. "If you need anything...,” he says. It sounds weak, even as he says it. She needs everything but nothing he can offer.
"I know, I know. Go now John. Bring her back before you leave New York."
He doesn’t want to go, but he does. He takes his time walking back. His mind is racing. When he nears Pemberley’s building, he hails a cab and goes to Donut Plant to buy more time. The cab waits while he chooses a dozen assorted donuts and he goes back to the building. He opens the box for the red-coated doorman and offers him a napkin.
"Donut? Take a few," John offers.
"Oh man. Thank you! These are the best." Robert introduces himself to John and asks about Pemberley. John fills him in and Robert gives him a strong handshake in thanks for the donut and the update.
John rides the elevator and wonders what to tell Anna. He decides to keep it simple until they get to the island. Saying goodbye to Pemberley will be enough for now. They need to get settled, soon. Anna needs an OB and he needs a shrink. They both really need shrinks.
She is napping when he gets in. He thinks she is anyway. Her door is closed and she doesn't come out when he comes in, so he doesn't knock. He changes into running clothes and hits the treadmill for a long run with a sharp incline. By the time he is done and showered, she is up and brewing tea. She has found the donuts.
With her mouth full Anna says, "You weren't kidding. What is this? Peanut butter and jelly?"
He nods, sticking one in his mouth and pulling cups from the cabinet.
"Was going to Donut Plant okay? Memories of Sarah?" she asks.
"Yeah it was okay. I'm good." And he is.
"Pemberley?" Anna asks with her nose in her tea.
"Cancer fucking sucks. She is a rock though. Funny, lecturing me about being good to you. She loves you so much."
"What did she want?" Anna won't be put off so easily. Not now. Not yet.
"I told her about the baby. She wanted to talk about us being kind to each other and patient with each other. Working through our shit." He hopes that is enough.
"Did she tell you anything about me?" she asks.
"Some."
He can see Anna debating with herself, deciding if she wants to ask what he knows.
"Anna let's get out of here tomorrow. Let’s get to the island. I want to get back." He wraps his arms around her and she leans into him.
"I'm not sure I'm going, if it means leaving these donuts." She bites another.
They explore the neighborhood and eat dinner out. Anna's car is in a garage a few blocks away. She shows John so he can get it and they can pack it in the morning. They walk into the same Italian place John ordered dinner. John is greeted by the owner, by name, with a handshake.
"What is it with you?” she asks. “You've been here two days and the doorman is in love with you and the neighborhood knows your name?"
He tells her about sending dinner to Rodrigo and the family.
"My god you are an angel." Anna kisses his cheek.
"Far from it, but even when shit sucks, there is always food."
"How are you not six hundred pounds?" she asks.
"I probably will be one day," he laughs.
"And I'll still love you. I think I'll live on pasta for a while. It works." She orders pasta olio.
"No peppers on that for her and a chicken breast on the side,” John tells the waiter before ordering his braciola.
"You did not just reorder my dinner!" Anna gapes at him.
"Too male chauvinist?" he laughs, happy to see her smile. Pem’s news is weighing on him. He wants to keep this evening light.
"Absolutely! But you were right on both counts so you are forgiven." Her smile is stiff, but it is a smile.
He remembers where he was less than three days ago — parked in front of a bar getting ready to drink his pain away, a million miles from Anna. He takes her hand without explaining his thoughts. “Something occurred to me earlier as I was thinking about our matching key chains. Hinton or Halloway for you? Pick your H,” he says.
“I do need to decide that, don’t I? Hinton was Dylan’s name. But it is my professional name. But you and Clara are Halloways. Clara and the baby must have the same name. I am not going to be a Hinton in a family of Halloways. Professionally, I’ll hyphenate Hinton-Halloway, but personally I’m all yours.” She punctuates her stream of consciousness with a big bite of chicken.
He is relieved to see her smile and not unhappy that she is taking his name. He is, at heart, an old-fashioned Texan. He wonders if news of a mother in the states will help Anna or hurt her. He allows himself a moment to imagine how a perfect, loving, wonderful mother could help fix Anna’s soul. That possibility is farfetched. He imagines the more likely scenario that she is less than perfect. He needs to meet her before bringing her into Anna's life.
The next day, after Anna's stomach settles, they pack and walk to the hospital to say goodbye to Pem and Rodrigo. It is grueling for Anna, and Pemberley keeps it short, gesturing for John to take her and leave. Rodrigo promises to keep in touch with John. The doorman helps John load Anna's small SUV and they go.
Nine
The GPS estimates the ride at just under twelve hours. Anna is in no condition to drive, so John digs in for a long one. They are both quiet. Anna cries on and off, lost in her thoughts of Pemberley. They stop at a Marriott in Norfolk for the night. Without asking, John gets adjoining rooms. Anna climbs into his bed and they read and watch a little TV. Eventually, she kisses him goodnight and locks the door between them. He can hear her crying. When he sleeps, he dreams again of trying to pull Sarah from the tub. He dreams of handcuffs and police pulling his screaming daughter from his arms.
"John!" Anna’s pounding on the door wakes him up. "John!"
He jumps from the bed and instinctively tries to open the locked door. "Are you okay Anna?"
The door remains solidly locked. "You were dreaming."
"I'm fine. Go back to sleep." John goes back into bed alone and tries some meditation he has been reading about.
Anna wakes early in the morning and begins vomiting almost immediately. When she finally settles, she showers and wakes John. They grab a bagel and hit the road. Six hours later they are exhausted, hungry, cramped, and driving through a torrential storm. John finally pulls the car under 517. Anna runs to the bathroom while John unloads her bags. Anna’s boxes were shipped and will arrive later in the week.
When John gets upstairs, he can see someone has been in the house. Fresh fruits and vegetables line the counter. The refrigerator is full of anything Anna could want. Fresh flowers are in a vase on the table. Paper goods are stacked in the hallway. There is a note. We want you to feel right at home. We hope this helps. We are spending a few days in Charleston. If you are up to getting together, call us. With love! J & C.
"My god they are priceless. You are so lucky to have them. Let’s join them in Charleston tomorrow?"
"First things first. Let's get settled and make some calls. We need doctors."
Anna laughs at his si
ncerity. "You are adorable, you know."
"I certainly am and I’m going to 516. Adorable and spent. Breakfast at your house or mine." His tone is sharper than usual.
"John, do you think it insane that we have his and hers houses?" she asks.
"Yes I do. Goodnight Anna." He walks out, not angry, just done.
"Breakfast at your house,” she calls after him. “I don't want to smell food in the morning, please."
He raises a hand in acknowledgement and keeps walking.
John's house is equally stocked including ribs from Franklins in Austin. He pulls one from the box, gnawing it cold and calls Conrad and Jane, grateful again for their understanding. His life feels consistently complicated. He shares news about Pemberley and, as an afterthought, asks his mother her opinion about Anna's biological mother.
"John, this is unbelievable. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. She lives in Atlanta? You are sure?" Jane asks, “What does this woman know?"
"Not much at all. From the emails it looks like Pemberley was fishing for information but not giving up much. She is a retired schoolteacher, widowed. No other children, besides Anna. She taught elementary school, so she must like kids."
"John, Anna needs you there. Clara is coming soon. You need to settle into a routine. How about Dad and I go to Atlanta and see what we can find out about her. If she is horrible, you can consider dropping this for now. If she isn’t, she might be a godsend to Anna."
He sleeps better with a plan of action in place.
John wakes early and runs long and hard on the beach. Being here feels good. He hasn’t breathed this easy since they left the island. As much as he loved being in Austin, being there also meant they were headed to their goodbye. As sorry as he is about Pem, he inadvertently got exactly what he wanted and he feels a little shitty about it. Being here with Anna these last months, even with their bizarre arrangement, has been good for him. The thought of being without her turns his stomach. He loves her. He thinks he needs her too, maybe more than he should. He decides to just enjoy their time together, getting to know each other in a way they didn’t over the summer. It is odd, since they are married, but it is what it is.
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