"Hello Anna!” Barbara says with an embrace. “We are just finished, Let us get out of your hair. Would Clara like to come watch a movie with Isabella? Maybe sleep over?" She says with a wink.
Isabella and Clara cheer. “How about a movie in jammies and then Daddy will come get you and put you to bed in your very own bed?" In a low voice, John tells Barbara, "The nights have been a little tough.”
After somewhat feigned disappointment, Clara agrees. Anna takes the girls upstairs so Clara can get into pajamas. They walk inside hand in hand. Anna helps Clara change, while Isabella gives Anna a tour of Clara's room. The girls brush and braid Anna’s hair for a few minutes, then Barbara and Joe take the girls next door.
"Leave those dishes," Anna demands, walking to his room, undressing on the way.
"What, no talk, you just want to have your way with me?" John laughs without the humor.
She stretches out on the bed waiting for him to join her. He sits down in a chair across the room, still dressed, shoes on.
"What is it?" she asks sitting up.
"Anna, this has been really hard," he says. There is no warmth in his voice.
"I know John, I am sorry. It was necessary.”
"I know that Anna,” he starts, “but I need to know if you are staying. If you aren't, I'll deal with it, but I need to know now, before we start this," he gestures to the bed.
"Do you mean am I staying on Osprey Island or staying in 517?"
"I meant Osprey Island."
"I'm staying."
"And 517?"
"Yes for now. I’d like to make a change soon though."
"Yeah? I got that off the photo." His voice is terse and full of irritation.
"Wait. You are losing patience with me already?” she asks pulling up the sheet. This is not the reunion she imagined.
He sits back, trying to regain his patience. “I’m struggling here Anna. I might have taken on more than I can handle.”
"So we are both working things through. I am better though. I am so much better than when I left. Finding my mother and working things out with Pem has been so good. Aren’t you pleased for me, John?"
"Of course I am, Anna."
"But?" she asks.
"But nothing. This has just been really hard. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. We had this stomach thing, we were both puking everywhere. It is hard to manage a little girl puking when you are puking yourself. I didn't think to get a pediatrician. I didn't know what the hell to do. Clara cries herself to sleep every night missing Stephanie. I feel like a criminal for taking her out of Chicago. I had to buy a fucking Speedo because I can't put her near a bathtub and I make her shower with me every night and she fucking hates it. I had five little girls here this week and I couldn't keep them in the same room let alone get them to sing one damn song. I am a bad remake of Three Men and a Baby, except I’m the only asshole."
"Oh John. Oh no. I didn't realize. I'm so sorry."
"I don't know if I can need you, Anna? Can I need you without crowding you?" he asks.
"You can John. I'm staying. I will be here for you and Clara, one hundred percent." She means it. "I just need a little more time to figure out the rest."
She wraps the sheet around her and goes to him. Brushing her hand through his hair, she can feel his frustration.
“I think moving her here might have been a mistake. Stephanie is keeping her distance. I think if she comes, she is going to take her. She won’t be able to leave her again.”
“John, please don’t get discouraged. We can make a home for Clara. We can be a family. My timing was terrible.”
He doesn’t answer, but she can feel his tension release. "How's it going with Dr. Lane?"
"Good, but I can't talk about her while you are naked," he says moving his hands to her hips.
"Are we okay John?" she asks. "Will you trust me?"
He takes a while to answer. "Anna you don't trust me. I understand why you don't, but you don't. It is hard for me to trust you knowing that."
"I trust you in so many ways," she says, sorry for what she is putting him through.
"I know you do. But I shared your bed those weeks in August and I wish I hadn't."
She knows what he means. Trust given and taken away is a greater loss than trust never given. She lets the sheet drop. "Join me now?"
He can enjoy her deflection at times.
Later, John carries a very sleepy Clara back to the house. She becomes teary when he lays her down.
"May I sleep over tonight?" Anna asks. "Just this one time, just the girls?" Clara nods sadly. The tears dry up and Clara snuggles into Anna, missing a woman's embrace, a mother's embrace. Clara falls asleep instantly. Anna is asleep moments later.
John sits and watches them for a long time, then goes and sits in the bathtub.
Clara is an early riser like her father. "Daddy?" Clara calls. Anna follows her to his empty bed.
"Is Daddy making breakfast?" Anna asks.
They look and find the kitchen empty before searching the rest of the house. John wouldn’t leave without telling Anna so she starts to worry a little before Clara finds John sleeping in his clothes in the bathtub.
"Daddy?" Clara gives his shoulder a gentle push. Anna's instinct is to hold Clara back. She has no idea how he will wake. If he will startle roughly. Before she can reach for Clara, John’s eyes open with quick confusion.
"Daddy take a bath?" Clara asks.
He looks around a little disoriented. "I guess Daddy fell asleep." Clara climbs onto his chest and lays down on him, questioning him no further. John wraps his hands around her and they lay there for a long time together.
After breakfast, Anna returns to 517 to unpack. It is a sunny Saturday and the beach is lively. John packs a picnic and they head to the sand, meeting Barbara, Joe and Isabella. John and Joe talk about the band while Barbara and Anna catch up.
"So you think your mother and Pemberley’s father are going to make a love connection?" Barbara asks.
"I bet they are married before this baby is born. You could just see it happening. You know what I mean?" Anna asks. “It was lovely to see Rodrigo so happy.”
"I certainly do know," she says gesturing to their husbands.
"I can't believe we've just been married a month," Anna says shaking her head. "A lifetime has happened in this one month."
"You are so right. Anna, I think I'm pregnant. I'm not saying anything official yet, but I'm late. We didn't even do the IVF yet. The old-fashioned way might have done the trick. Well, it might have been the shower."
"What do you mean?" Anna asks.
Barbara fills her in on their Anna and John inspired afternoon in their outdoor shower. "Oh my god! You heard us?" Anna asks.
"Yes, and it was awe inspiring. If I’m pregnant, I’m naming this baby either John or Anna. Or maybe Johnna. I love that, Johnna for a girl. What do you think?"
"I am horrified!" Anna screeches with laughter.
"Truly inspiring,” Barbara says again with a smile.
Every night, Anna and John tuck Clara in together. John reads books and Anna lies with Clara. The teary nights stop. They switch Stephanie's Skypes to the afternoon. Clara tells Stephanie about her school day. Clara becomes more at ease and begins sleeping better. By the end of the week, they have settled into a good routine. On Thursday night, after Clara falls asleep, John and Anna share some time together in his bed, quietly. As Anna dresses to leave, she tells John, "planning session over breakfast."
"Are we getting ready for the onslaught of visitors on Saturday?" he asks.
"No, we are getting ready for five little girls tomorrow afternoon. We need a strategy. I'll be back at 0800 hours. Goodnight." She kisses him on the nose and jogs to 517.
John's car seats seven. In the morning they drop off Clara, collect the car seats and install them so they are ready for the afternoon carpool. They go to Target and buy five tambourines, five drum sets, and five small guitars. They buy every kid movie
they can find. At home, they scan the movies and John realizes Phil Collins did the music for Tarzan.
"I can do that," he says, immediately downloading the sheet music for every song.
Together they pick up the girls at one o'clock. Back at the house, he asks, "How many of you have seen Tarzan?" Five little hands shoot up. "Who wants to learn how to play all the songs from Tarzan?" Five little hands shoot up again. John hands out five tambourines. They practice singing You'll Be In My Heart and add some percussion. By 3:15 snack time, they have it down. Anna serves cookies and sliced fruit before everyone is picked up, singing for their parents.
John collapses. "I didn't feel this accomplished after I won my first case in court."
"Daddy, that was fun," Clara compliments John on a job well done.
When Anna readies the house for her mother's visit, she checks over the room, the bathroom, the bedding, the towels, the wine selections, the quality of the fruit in the fruit bowl. She makes sure every last sock is washed, every windowsill is wiped. She sweeps the front steps and the back deck. She clears webs and pulls weeds. Even though the cleaning service came through on Thursday, she vacuums and scrubs and neatens and then goes back and does it again.
Ellen arrives early in the afternoon the day before the others. Ellen pulls into the driveway, gets out and stretches in the sun, as is the custom here.
"Hello Ellen!" Anna says hugging her hard. "I'm still iffy on what to call you. Mommy? Ridiculous. Mother, Mom, Mum. What do you like?"
"I am so thrilled with them all! Take your pick Anna," she holds Anna back to take her in. "My god this is magical. Bloody magical."
"Mum then. I'd like you to meet my husband. This is John. And this is Clara, my daughter." Anna can tell John is pleased she left off the 'step.'
Over afternoon tea on the deck at 516, Anna feels compelled to explain her situation with John. Their short time together in Connecticut was more about getting to know each other and not so much about the emotional issues of Anna’s here and now.
"You don't owe me any explanations. I can accept that you are both dealing with some troubles,” Ellen offers.
"I want to tell you things. I want us to trust each other," Anna says.
"Talk to me then Anna," Ellen says.
"I'm sure Rodrigo told you that John has had a rough time since this wife committed suicide. He is just getting back with Clara now. They were apart for a year and a half."
Ellen nods, "How terribly sad. She is a wonderful girl. They seem to be doing well together."
"They are doing better. He has a lot of pain, some PTSD I think. Her suicide was violent.” Anna explains the details of that day, relating John’s memories as he has shared them with her.
“I can't be too near it," Anna confesses.
Ellen doesn't understand, "Are you afraid of John?"
"My years with Dylan were difficult. Sometimes I feel safer alone," Ellen takes Anna's hand without asking for more and Anna does not elaborate further. She finds discussing John’s challenges much easier than discussing her own.
"Two houses works for you both then?" Ellen asks.
"I think John likes having his own space to reacquaint with Clara or I rationalize that to be the case. But he gets frustrated with me. He has been very patient. I haven’t always been fair to him. Sometimes, I am not sure I deserve him," Anna says.
“Anna, why wouldn’t you deserve him?” Ellen asks.
Anna shakes her head, willing to go no further.
Jordan pulls the car under the blue house like he has been there a hundred times before. Forewarned via text or phone of their imminent arrival, they are lined up out front like bowling pins. He can’t help feeling like he should run them over. STRIKE! Pemberley’s last text: GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CAR! had him forcing the gas pedal. This drive was a bad idea all around. She is past the point of being able to travel. Her pain is bad and she needs to be in a bed. But still. He is under strict instructions to keep this to himself. Facilitate and make me look great are her instructions. He can do both.
He doesn’t do the usual over the head stretch. Instead, he reaches one arm across his chest pushing it with the other and repeats on the other side, lengthening his rear deltoid muscles before stretching his triceps and shoulders, holding both hands low behind his back and pulling up. Jordan works out a lot but only his upper body. His is very proud of his well-defined pecs and abs but not too interested in his legs or the benefits of a well-rounded fitness routine. His legs are long and lanky in jeans and a tight fitted black tee shirt hugs him close. His blonde hair holds some product and doesn’t move much in the breeze. He possesses enough swagger to be considered arrogance, if he were less capable.
He kisses Anna’s cheek handing her the car keys and does his best to shake John’s hand without unzipping his pants. Usually Jordan goes for younger, blonder, with less facial hair and much gayer, but he would break his usual for a shot at that.
“Nurse Jordan, reporting for duty,” he announces with a quick sarcastic salute.
John’s instant grin and laughing green eyes do nothing to quell Jordan’s attraction. Jordan licks his lips and wonders why they are calling the enormous green house next door 518, when Rodrigo pulls into the driveway.
Anna runs over to welcome Pemberley. He probably should have stopped that, but he is too late. Pemberley is in an adult diaper and will fall over dead in shame if Anna finds out. Anna goes in for a hug and Pemberley keeps it quick.
“Alright, alright, I’m happy to see you too,” Pemberley says untangling herself from Anna.
Jordan intervenes by swooping Pemberley into his arms and carrying her, over-the-threshold style, into the house and up the stairs.
“See why I love him? At least he tries to make this fun,” she laughs before whispering, “thank you” into his ear.
He calls over his shoulder, “I’ll get Pemberley company-ready and give you a holler in a few minutes,” discouraging any followers.
Upstairs, they pick an ocean front room for Pemberley with its own bath and an adjoining room for Jordan. As soon as Jordan sets Pemberley on the bed, she pulls a joint from her handbag. “I fucking love medical marijuana,” she says striking a match as he opens the sliding glass door.
“I don’t know how medical this marijuana is. Thank god for our New York connections. How’s the pain?” he asks.
“Shitty,” she says passing him the joint. “So what do you think of John?”
“You weren’t kidding girl,” he inhales hard. “Every time I think of him kicking ass, prison style, in South America, I could literally eat him alive.” He passes the joint back to her, walking to the door to exhale.
“Anna needs to get her shit together. She isn’t giving enough to that man,” Pemberley says, inhaling deeply.
“Enough sex?” he asks.
“No, I think they are fucking plenty. But she is holding back emotionally, keeping her distance. He’s going to get tired of that fast.”
“They are married with a kid on the way. They’ve known each other, what six months?” he asks. “That isn’t much holding back.”
“Anna is still so fucked up from her first marriage. I think she is going through the motions, but she isn’t really in it.”
“I’m going to study up on her,” he says and Pemberley passes the joint back to him. He stubs it out on his shoe. “Let’s save this for later. You don’t want to be all Cheech and Chong on our first day.”
She lies back, letting the pot take over, easing her pain.
“I can tell them you fell asleep,” he says with a hand on her cheek.
“Jordan, you are the love of my life. Too bad we don’t screw.”
“I’d give it a go. Right now,” he asks, unbuckling his belt. They have had many variations of this conversation.
She laughs. “You know I’d love to. But nothing works like it used to,” she says with a hand under his shirt, on his chest.
“You want me to take off my shirt whil
e we get you changed and comfy?” he asks.
“Yes please,” she says, enjoying a focus on anything other than herself.
“Hey, you up?” Jordan asks Pemberley with a hand on her forehead, checking for a fever.
She startles, remembers where she is and stretches, trying to ease the stiffness in her muscles. “I’m up.”
“Okay, time to talk. Then dinner. John is down there lighting the grill.” Jordan leans out the glass door to see if he can catch a glimpse.
She stretches again to get her blood flowing, still stiff from the drive.
“So this is like a commune for really hot, damaged people. Right?” Jordan asks.
Pemberley bursts into laughter. Jordan is good at his job.
“No I’m kidding. They are all super nice, but Anna looks a little like she is ready to launch into space.”
“She does?” Pemberley asks. “Like tense?”
“Very tense.”
“Huh,” Pemberley wonders at that. “And John?”
“I can’t even analyze him. I just want to fuck him. I think I can turn him. What do you think? One good blow job and he’ll be mine for life,” Jordan adds a variety of hand and mouth gestures to punctuate his thought.
“I’d literally love to see you try.”
“Ellen is very sweet. She and Rodrigo are so in it. They were out walking the beach. Do you want to know more?” She nods eagerly. “There was a little hand holding.” He points to binoculars on the dresser.
“Oh my god. Jordan. I can’t die yet. I have to see this through.”
“Pemberley. Don’t die here. I think there will be a mass suicide if you do,” he jokes. “John will mix up some deadly Kool-Aid and they will line up dead on the beach.”
Jordan has the bags unpacked and stacked in the closet. Pemberley’s things are organized in the closet and drawers. He has made arrangements for medical supplies and equipment to be delivered the following morning. Pharmaceuticals are lined up in the bathroom. Water bottle and pain pills are within Pemberley’s reach. As well as an ashtray.
“No bullshit Jordan. If I die here, you have to shut up about it, put me in the car and get me back to New York. Promise me,” she says.
Circling The Shadows Page 26