by Sarah Noffke
I think of the new batch of Middlings they just recruited. I think of the children they bear who will suffer, all for the purpose of creating a serum. What they take from them will stifle the gifts of so many Dream Traveler children who will grow up to be converted. And then those Middlings and Defects will be reunited to serve the Reverians. Again, revulsion makes my stomach turn.
“Rogue, they take this from Middlings, this spinal fluid, in order to synthesize it into something to stop the gifts in Dream Travelers.” I hold my head in my hands, completely confused by this turn of events.
The last file disappears and he steps forward, cupping my face in his strong hands. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Dean’s child didn’t have to die,” I say, remembering the pain in my friend’s eyes. “She was an experiment. The very first baby they tried to harvest so they could create…” I can’t say the words, the ones we both know are true. The ones that stare back at me in Rogue’s eyes and then he echoes like I’m locked inside a vault.
“It was probably her spinal fluid that created the injection they gave to me, since I was the first.”
I rush into his arms. There’s no other place for me on Earth at this point. If I’m not in his arms then I can’t remain upright. He cinches me in, holds me in tight to him. I feel the pain he has recently realized with me. Rogue hasn’t been whole for a long time, but to know they had broken him using a dead baby’s spinal fluid is further insult to injury. Inside my own head I feel an ache erupting from the years and years of Middling babies’ spinal fluid used to make me less powerful. To make me never realize who I was.
My words are muffled, almost nonsense as I say them against Rogue’s arm. “Come back to the tent with me. I can’t be here any longer.”
He nods, a new weight in his eyes.
In the tent we awake to each other. Neither of us says a single word. Instead, I turn and pull his arm around me like it’s a shelter. I’ve lost every single reservation about allowing Rogue to love me. He’s my strength in this revolution. He’s my encouragement.
Against my cheek I feel his breath and then his words. “Don’t worry, babe. I’ll get you out of here.”
I encourage his arm tighter around me. Bury my body more into his, seeking redemption in his embrace. It doesn’t work so I turn over and kiss him. Only once, but it still erases a piece of the pain my father created in me. Before, when I realized what President Vider had done to Rogue, I didn’t know how to respond, but now the words rush out of my mouth. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry it’s your father who’s behind this. I’m sorry he did it to you first. And if I ever see him again I will do everything in my power to kill him,” I whisper, feeling him more acutely than I did moments before.
His breath pauses. He looks at me, but all I can make out is the whites of his eyes. “If anyone can do it then it would be you, but I refuse to allow you to mark your soul with his blood.”
“But he has to be stopped,” I whisper in the darkness.
“And he will be.”
He rubs his nose against mine and whispers against my lips. “No more worrying about this tonight. Rest now, babe.”
And in the protection of his arms, I find it easy to close my eyes and drift away.
Chapter Thirty
I awake at dawn and slip out of the tent, not wanting to disturb Rogue, who looks peaceful and happy in his sleep. However, he spills out of the tent two minutes later, a look of worried horror on his face. It quiets into relief when he catches sight of me stacking wood for the fire. His hand claps onto his chest as he releases a breath.
“What, did you think I went off and got myself eaten by a bear?” I say, unable to keep from laughing at his worry.
He doesn’t smile back. Doesn’t laugh. His face is too serious. The expression doesn’t look right on him. “When I awoke and you were gone...” He shakes his head, his sleep-tangled hair falling down in his eyes. “I was just worried, that’s all.”
I’ve never seen him rattled like this. When he tore out of the tent he had that look of panic a parent has when their child briefly goes missing, and they fear the worst has happened to them. I stand, move in close to him. Push his hair from his eyes. He’s so tall that I have to stand up on my toes to reach him well. “I’m fine,” I assure him.
“Good.” Rogue nods and then his eyes fall down to the fire I was building. “But you still don’t know how to build a fire.” He shakes his head at me. “How many times growing up did I show you?”
I shake my head and purse my lips at him, rebellion in my eyes. “Well, I guess you’ll just have to give up any hope I’ll ever learn.” I sling my duffel bag with over my shoulder and set off. “You build a fire. I’m going to freshen up.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Rogue says, grabbing my hand and twisting me around. He’s fast, his movements sharp, but still gentle. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“To. Freshen. Up,” I say, rolling my eyes at him.
He seems to consider me for a minute, then nods. “Okay,” he says, going back to the tent. “Let me grab my boots first.”
“Rogue, you weren’t invited,” I say, watching him slip on his socks, a look of determination on his still tired face.
“And I don’t need an invitation,” he says, pulling on his tan leather boots.
“Rogue…”
“It’s cute when you say my name like that. Like I’m in trouble,” he says.
“If you think you’re going to chaperone me down to the stream then you are in trouble.”
He slaps the side of his boot and stands, brandishing a smile. “I promise to be a gentleman. I could use a little of this freshening up you speak of. Anyway, I’ll stay away from you, scout’s honor.” He holds up his three middle fingers.
“I don’t see how you’re going to give me any privacy if you won’t take your eyes off me for a single second.”
“I will, as long as I can hear you and you check in with me regularly.” He’s smiling, but I sense his seriousness.
“Okay, fine,” I say, turning around and trotting off. “But stay on your side of the stream.”
***
“Oh, good, you’re here, brother,” Rogue says to Zack when he arrives late morning. “You can entertain Em while I excuse myself. She’s been demanding my constant attention.”
“I’ve done no such thing,” I say.
“Yes, you command my attention whether you realize it or not,” Rogue says, shaking his head at me like I misunderstand something of great importance.
Zack watches him walk off and then turns to me. “What’s that about?”
“Rogue thinks I’m going to disappear or get myself caught in a patch of thorns if I’m not supervised,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“He’s probably worried that your father will find you. He’s not wrong to worry. You’re not safe here for too much longer.”
“Why do the two of you always have to gang up on me?”
“Did the clothes I brought you not work?” Zack asks, gesturing to my shirt. It’s the one Rogue let me borrow when I first arrived.
Absently I hug the shirt into me. “No, the clothes were great. Thanks. I just prefer this one.” I roll down the sleeves a little so they meet my wrists; my hair is still wet, making me cold in the morning air.
Zack watches me quietly, his mind working as he does.
“What?” I say when he gets that look on his face, the one where he wants to say something, but doesn’t want to. He wears it all the time lately.
Zack sighs, seeming to resign a little of the tension in his shoulders. “Is something going on between you and Rogue?”
“Going on like how?” I ask, feigning ignorance.
“Going on like romantically,” he says, and I spy a tinge of red color the tips of his ears.
“Maybe,” I say, ignoring Zack’s gaze that watches me as I go to work organizing the camp, tidying.
“Oh,” he says, like the word contains multiple syllables. The disa
pproval in his tone is obvious.
“What?” I say, spinning around and facing him. He’s wearing a tight expression, his denim blue eyes heavy with concern.
“Nothing, it’s just that it’s…”
I wait for him to complete his complaint but he doesn’t. His tentative gaze just keeps shifting between me and the ground, an uncertainty in it.
“It’s what?” I say.
“It’s just that it’s Rogue.”
“So?”
“It’s just weird and—”
“Zack, you know I am a girl, right? Or maybe you don’t.”
He shakes his head at me. Clenches his eyes shut. When he opens them he actually looks angry, a state he’s rarely in. “You have this disillusion that I don’t see you as a girl. I’m not sure why. Maybe because we’re friends, but nothing could be further from the truth.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I say.
Zack stares at me, a meaningful expression in his eyes. I stare back, challenging him with a single look. He shakes his head again, the morning sun reflecting off his shiny, blond hair. “Nothing. That’s not what I meant to say.” Zack always says what he means. Always thinks before he speaks. He gives me a regretful look. “I just meant that you drive me crazy because you make these insinuations about me.”
“Like what?” I say, pinning my hands on my hips.
“Like that I don’t know you’re a girl. Or that all I care about is my career. Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t see me accurately.”
I stare at Zack, really stare. Watch him take a steadying breath. Watch the nervousness in his eyes morph into defeat.
“Hey, brother,” Rogue says, striding back into camp. “Why do you look like you’re planning your own funeral?”
His eyes flick to Rogue and then back to me. “I’m just worried about what happens next.”
I peer at him, trying to understand what he’s not saying this time. Trying to comprehend how I could misunderstand someone I know so well. Trying to determine how I’ve hurt him, which is the only thing I do understand from the conversation we just had.
Zack pulls a piece of paper out of his breast pocket and hands it to Rogue, who’s taken the position beside me. “Here. That’s the code. It will get you into the lab.”
My face brightens, releasing some of the tension I’ve been holding. “You got it! Thank you.”
He nods. Doesn’t smile. A morose expression in his eyes.
“You’ve been more successful than us,” Rogue says. “We didn’t find the inventory list.”
“What?” Zack says, his face falling with even more disappointment. “They weren’t in your father’s office?” he asks me.
I shrug. “They probably were.” I’d been able to section off the sadistic facts we learned about our government all day. I’d been successful at not allowing it to contaminate my thoughts, but now it pours through the barrier, bringing with it a sickening feeling. “I had to stop looking,” I say, looking at Rogue, seeing the nightmare I feel in me display on his features, bringing a coldness to his eyes. “Zack, we found out that they synthesize the formula in the injections from spinal fluid they steal from Middling babies. That’s the testing they’re doing. But Middlings don’t know. They think they are testing them for a defect, one they told them was responsible for infant deaths a few years ago.”
Zack closes his eyes. Shakes his head. When he opens them he looks struck by an epiphany. “They’re the ones who killed the infants, aren’t they? Our government?”
He’s too smart sometimes, figures things out so quickly it makes me feel dumb. “Yes,” I say in a hush.
Taking a seat on the large rock, he pins his elbows on his knees, his head hanging low. Zack is doing the opposite of what Rogue and I did last night. He’s retreating inside himself with this news. He doesn’t want us to see his face as he processes. I was only able to section off the grossness of that history because I retreated into Rogue’s arms. And again I’ll need to push this all to the corner of my mind, where it can motivate me without blinding me with anger.
“I’ll see about getting the inventory list today,” Zack finally says, his eyes still on the ground. “If I can get it then I’ll bring it to you tomorrow, maybe tonight.”
If he was looking at me then he’d see I’m shaking my head. “No,” I say. “We have to go tonight. We’ll just have to search for them.” I can’t put off getting the meds. Rogue needs them. I will need them soon.
Zack agrees at once. I’m sure he’s glad he doesn’t have to sneak into my father’s office.
“And then what?” Rogue says.
“Then I’ve got to figure out how to get Nona,” I say.
Zack shakes his head and finally brings his eyes up to meet mine. “She wanted me to pass along a message to you. Nona says she’s working on something, but she’ll need a few months to get it right.”
“What?” I say, half appalled and half curious. “What is it?”
“She wouldn’t say, but she said that it’s worth her attention. I told her you wanted to get her out, save her from getting converted, and she agreed. However, she says she’s not at risk for conversion yet.”
“So, what am I supposed to do? Camp in the woods until her secret mission is complete?”
Zack gives me an indignant look. “You need to get out of here. It’s not safe.”
Rogue nods in agreement. “After we get the meds, I vote you go with me,” he says, a small question in his voice.
I nod. Of course I’ll go with Rogue. I’d go anywhere with him.
“Nona said she’ll let you know when she’s ready,” Zack says.
“How?” I ask.
“She said she’ll leave you notes in the old oak tree?” He says it like it makes no sense.
“Oh, that’s perfect,” I say. “She’s so clever.” Nona really thinks of everything. I can dream travel into the Valley at night, to the old oak outside the Japanese garden in the park. As kids we used to leave each other messages there. Nothing of importance. We just loved the opportunity to have a covert way to communicate. In dream travel form I’ll be able to read her messages and if I bring a pen with me, I can write back to her, since I can’t leave or take anything from the physical realm while dream traveling.
“Okay, that’s a good plan,” I agree after ruminating on it.
“There’s one last thing,” Zack says, standing. “When you leave, I want to go with you two. I want out of this valley.”
Chapter Thirty-One
“Now you’re talking, brother!” Rogue says, holding his hand up for a high-five.
Zack slaps it, a sliver of a smile on the corner of his mouth.
“No,” I say with a firmness in my voice.
Both guys whip around to face me, confusion screwing up their expressions.
“What?” It’s Rogue who asks the question they both are thinking.
“I need you here, Zack. I want you to watch over Nona,” I say.
Disappointment colors every single feature on Zack’s face. “She has your tutu, Em. And she will be leaving you messages,” Zack says, all his attention on me, Rogue at his back. “She’ll tell you if she needs help.”
I nod because he’s right.
“I can’t stay here now,” he continues. “I can’t intern in a government who weakens those who might be a problem. Labels them Defects. Ostracizes them from their own people. I’m going to be assigned an occupation soon. I can’t work in this government or for it. I want to be with you two.”
“But from inside the government you could help,” I say. “That’s where you could make the most change.”
Rogue looks at me, a pitiful look that says, “How could you be so mean to him?” I shake off the guilt.
“I want you with us too,” I say. “I don’t want to leave you, but there’s no one I trust more to watch over everything. I know it’s not fair to ask that of you. I’m sorry.”
“Em, I’m not sure much can be done,” Zack s
ays.
“Well, something has to. We can’t let them get away with what they’re doing to our people and to Middlings. It sounds like Nona is working on something and if I know her it’s a revolution. Maybe I was cowardly to think of just getting us out. We need to get everyone out. We need to put a stop to this.”
“Em, I admire your beautiful tenacity, but what you’re talking about is unrealistic,” Rogue says.
“What I’m talking about is exactly what Zack was born for.” I round on Zack. “All you’ve ever wanted was to be a part of a government which supported the people, to help them flourish. I’m sorry that’s not the government we have and they fooled us all into believing the opposite. I’m sorry they’ve heartbroken us all with this treachery, that they’ve scarred some of us with their manipulation. But Zack, you’re the one person I know who can help make the changes which will actually make a difference. If you stay here you can infiltrate them. Find their secrets. Help us figure out how to expose them to Middlings, to the Reverians, to larger forces, ones that can help us bring them down.”
Zack looks at me, a strong conviction in his stare. “You really think we have a chance?”
“Yes!” I say, almost stomping.
“She does have an excellent point. Maybe I’ve stayed away too long. Maybe it is time for a revolution,” Rogue says, clapping Zack on the shoulder.
“Yes, Em, you’re right,” Zack says.
I look between the two of them with a bit of disbelief. Rogue smiles at me, then at Zack. “She didn’t expect us to agree with her so easily. Look at that look on her face,” he says, elbowing Zack in the ribs.
“Is there a reason you’re talking about me like I’m not here?” I ask.
Rogue leans into Zack’s ear, his gaze firmly on me as he does. “I think she can hear us talking about her.”
I shake my head at Rogue, but smile at Zack. He’s looking less hurt and a lot more motivated than he was moments prior.