by Jaime Reese
"And as far as the whole relationship thing, I'm not an expert. But, we kinda already have something. Don't you think?" Jessie looked over to him with a hint of a smile playing in his expression, cocking his head.
He definitely wasn't an expert in relationships, but if Jessie thought this defined a relationship, then maybe he could totally handle this.
Jessie bumped his shoulder. "We're just missing out on all the fun stuff."
Aidan groaned. It drove him nuts when Jessie teased him.
"I'm not saying it'll be easy. I know…" Jessie hesitated and rubbed his thighs again. "I know we're both very different from each other and from what other people usually see when they look at us. But…I see you, not the guy you want everyone else to see. And you're worth it, Aidan. It bothers me that you don't recognize how amazing you are, but I'm willing to give this a shot. I just…I hope you think the same of me." He quieted for a few moments then subtly nodded, concluding some internal conversation. "You work at things so you can appreciate the success at the end."
Aidan shook his head and scoffed. Jessie and his inspirational poster lines…too fucking cute to deny. His ability to take a mountain and turn it into a few pellets of dust always amazed Aidan. Jessie was bossier than people could imagine and far more of a control freak than anyone suspected.
"Jess."
"Yeah?"
"You're totally worth it."
A hint of a shy smile tugged at the corner of Jessie's mouth. "We'll make it work. Now stop with the guilt trip and give me a hug so you can get ready for work."
Aidan reached out and wrapped his arm around Jessie's waist, tugging him into an embrace. He held him close and rubbed his cheek against the smooth, dark hair. How the hell did Jessie wake up smelling this good and looking so damn polished? Aidan peeked back at the reflection in the television screen, amazed at how different they seemed. But somehow, so damn perfect.
"We'll make this work," Jessie repeated, running his hands up and down Aidan's back.
Aidan leaned into the embrace, closing his eyes and not letting the what-ifs ruin the moment. He wanted this—this closeness, this peace, this ability to surrender to everything else around him with Jessie's nearness. He didn't have a clue how to make this work, but he refused to burst Jessie's bubble or risk another inspirational poster speech. He could take a leap of faith and take things one step at a time.
Baby steps.
Jessie had a plan—he always did. If anyone could make this work, Jessie would make it happen. Aidan pushed his nose into Jessie's hair, reveling in the comforting scent that always calmed him with Jessie's presence. His mouth parted as he breathed Jessie in, enjoying the sensation of the silky strands tickling his lips.
He remembered his solemn vow, to spare others of all his bullshit and to not subject them to the pain that always followed him like a dark dust cloud. A promise he had held sacred for years and swore he'd keep to his dying day. But there, holding Jessie in his arms with his defenses still broken from the night before, he realized this was one promise he could no longer keep.
* * * *
A crumbled ball of paper drew his attention as it bounced off the folder and hit him in the chest. He slowly looked up from the file, hoping his glare captured how peeved he was by Sunny's childish actions.
His partner gave him a lopsided grin. "If you hadn't zoned out, I wouldn't have had to resort to a primitive means of communication."
Aidan grabbed the paper ball and threw it right back at her, popping her in the forehead. "I wasn't zoned out."
"You so were."
He focused on the notes from his phone interview with a case lead. Definitely not thinking about waking up that morning with Jessie in his arms. Nope. Not for a second.
"You want to grab some lunch? We've got about forty minutes before we need to head out."
"Nah. I'll grab something from the street vendor in a bit. I want to wrap up my notes while it's still fresh in my head."
"'Kay." She grabbed her keys and headed out, finally giving Aidan some much needed space.
About ten minutes later, he finished the last of his notes then fished the business card out of his pocket. He flicked the edge of the card stock, debating if he should pick up the phone. Jessie didn't push, well, at least not directly. He had this slick way of setting up a situation that led to Aidan making the decision. He never really steered Aidan one way or another, but he seemed to lay out the options then he'd sit back and wait. And he'd so fallen for it that morning. I'm such a sucker.
He had arrived at the kitchen, ready to head out to work, greeted with a fresh cup of coffee and a still-warm, buttered croissant.
"Thanks," he said to Jessie, who sat quietly at the table already working on his laptop.
Sipping his coffee, Aidan stared at the business card clipped with a magnet to the refrigerator. Dr. Kathryn Engel.
"Is this the therapist the hospital recommended?"
Jessie shook his head. "The first time I met her, I was a teenager and she was volunteering at some free clinic. I couldn't really talk to the person the hospital recommended, but I needed to talk to someone about what happened so I tracked her down and found she had a private practice. She actually remembered me. She would stop by the hospital to see me or we'd talk on the phone."
"I don't remember meeting her."
Jessie looked over at him with a soft smile. "She'd schedule her visits with me while you were in your Monday morning team meetings or she'd talk to me over the phone for a while."
Aidan nodded and took the last bite of his croissant. He washed it down with the rest of his coffee as he stared at the off-white business card with a few lines of text. "So I guess she didn't make you sit on a couch and shit."
"Nope," Jessie said, popping the "p" with his mouth as he continued to tap away at his laptop. "She's easy to talk to. She's tough if you want her to be and sensitive when needed."
Aidan nodded again. Funny how the card had miraculously appeared on the fridge that morning. Yeah…right. Jessie's way of dropping a hint without pushing. The card was there; what Aidan chose to do with it was up to him.
"I'm leaving. Let me know if you want me to pick something up for dinner." He rinsed his cup in the sink and grabbed the card before heading out the door. He definitely didn't miss the hidden smile Jessie gave him before he left.
Now, sitting at his desk, he debated picking up the damn phone. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily. He wanted nothing more than to be with Jessie, and after what had happened the night before, he needed help working through his shit. He couldn't take the chance again.
"Fuck it," he muttered, picking up his cell phone and dialing the number from the card. A few minutes later, he'd officially secured his first ever appointment with a shrink. Therapist. Exorcist. Whatever.
Too many unknowns but one screaming certainty…he couldn't do this alone. He'd already tried that and had failed miserably. Even though Jessie said they'd find a way to make it work, he had too much shit that screwed with his head. Maybe this Doc Engel could actually help. Who knew for sure?
But he had to try.
Aidan leaned against the tall window on the twentieth floor of Dr. Kathryn Engel's office, switching his focus between the slow moving clouds in the early evening sky and the traveling ants of people on the street. Almost an hour into the appointment and total talk time could be clocked at about five minutes—assuming there was a rollover term in that calculation. His second visit to the good doctor and he hadn't uttered a word since his arrival.
First visit went about the same. Outside of an introduction and a few random basic questions…nada. When he mentioned Jessie had referred him, Dr. Engel lit up with a huge smile and simply said, "He's wonderful." Yeah, she scored major brownie points right away with that one response and motivated his return for a second visit. Maybe he'd have one of those eureka moments and some therapeutic enlightenment would kick him in the ass. He had to make an effort. Even his captain added an abou
t-fucking-time when he'd mentioned setting an appointment with a therapist. If he was going to do this, he was going to try to do it right. He refused to do anything half-assed.
Now he just needed to find a way to actually talk about what had happened and the shit-ton of crap that caused this self-imposed barrier between him and everyone else.
He glanced over his shoulder and watched the doctor update a file. She was about five feet tall and wore standard-issue red pumps that propped her up a few more inches. If he had to guess, he figured she could pass for someone in her late-forties, but he knew enough about age progression and traits to know she must have been close to reaching sixty, if not a few years more. The meticulous manicure in a matching red tone and her short, expertly-dyed hair spoke of someone who took the time to welcome the world with polish.
He shifted his focus back to the clouds and the reds and oranges painting the sky. He'd initially tried to come up with an escape plan. He'd even asked the doctor of the ethics of her having sessions with both him and Jessie. She claimed that as long as neither of them had issues with it then she didn't either since she would not speak a word about any of their discussions.
He'd flat out told the doc he couldn't discuss details of his mission during their first appointment, thinking that would nip this whole thing in the bud quickly. No dice. She seemed to have a talent for sniffing out bullshit. "I don't need to know locations or exact dates. Just time frames as a point of reference. How long ago it happened and for what span of time. Then we'll go from there."
But he didn't know where the hell to start. So he'd opted for silence.
"Time's up," Dr. Engel said.
His vision snapped back to the doctor. She walked over to her desk and looked up with a half smile as she opened her appointment book. "How about I schedule you for Friday late afternoon. How does six sound?"
He nodded, wondering when he would tire of paying someone to keep him company while he remained silent. But he was here. That should count for something. Even if it was only a baby step.
* * * *
They sat on the couch watching a late evening movie they'd already seen months ago while at the hospital. But Jessie didn't care one iota about what played on the television screen. The slow brush of fingers twisting in the short hair at the nape of his neck caught his attention far more than any TV movie. He closed his eyes and leaned back into Aidan's fingers, hoping the subtle, casual caress would become more determined.
"Sorry about that," Aidan said, withdrawing his hand and crossing his arms, focusing his attention on the movie.
Jessie groaned with the frustration thrumming through his body. Every attempt at some contact, Aidan had somehow interpreted as stop instead of more. Hinting didn't seem to work. He was trying with every ounce of energy to not push, to give Aidan the space he obviously demanded, but dammit, he couldn't take this anymore. "I didn't want you to stop."
"I thought you meant—"
Jessie abruptly turned to face him. "Kiss me."
"Um, that was subtle."
"You're obviously not picking up on the subtleties. So I'm testing a direct approach."
Aidan hid a smile he couldn't disguise in his eyes. He anchored his elbow on the back of the couch and rested his head against his palm. "I think most people would assume I'm the direct one in this relationship."
"I'm happy to play whatever role you want." Jessie reached out and ran a finger along Aidan's sleep pants. Weren't hot, studly guys supposed to be walking around naked at home, or shirtless, or…anything other than dressed with sleep pants and a T-shirt? "By the way…"
"Yeah?"
"I love that you said relationship."
Aidan scoffed, shaking his head with a smile. "You're persistent."
"When it comes to you, yes, I am. And I'm very proud of it. I get to see a special side of you that no one else sees. And it's addictive. So kiss me."
"No."
"Don't make it weird. Just kiss me."
"Not…yet." Aidan returned his focus to the television.
"Yet?"
Aidan shrugged. "You're very bossy."
"Someone has to be."
"Where the hell did the shy, quiet Jessie go?" Aidan's jaw muscles twitched, but his focus remained squarely planted on the television screen, captivated by some stupid commercial with a dog chasing after some animated dot.
"He's still here. He's just decided there are things that are really important in life worth pursuing with determination."
Aidan glanced over to him.
Jessie's lips parted on a breath as a current rippled through his body. He'd never had anyone look at him with that much desire.
"Do you know why I like you?" Jessie asked.
"Because you have masochistic tendencies?"
Jessie bit his lip to hide a smile. Ah, he's frustrated. Jessie had learned to decipher most of Aidan's moods, but he still needed a cheat sheet for clarification on a few of them. Aidan's sarcasm and verbal bites were especially heightened when pissed off about what people expected him to say, or when he really wanted to change or lighten the subject matter.
"One of the reasons is the way you look at me. It's as if nothing else exists but me and there's no other place you'd rather be." Jessie circled his fingers in a random pattern on Aidan's thigh, hoping to distract him from the television enough to draw his full attention. "Even when you're just standing there, and you're doing nothing but staring at me, it's as if you have your arm wrapped around me and pull me close to your side. You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel needed." He reached out and grabbed Aidan's hand, lacing their fingers together. He looked at Aidan's strong hand and tanned skin, a stark contrast from his lean, long fingers and fair skin. "You make me feel wanted and special. As if I matter." He returned his focus to Aidan's face. "You let me know I'm important to you."
"I do all that with a look?"
Jessie nodded. "You let me be me…and you let me know that's okay. You don't tell me I'm weak or—"
"You're one of the strongest men I know."
Jessie quietly laughed. Sometimes, Aidan said the most thoughtful and romantic things and didn't have a clue how they squeezed Jessie's heart.
Aidan turned away and lowered his brow. "I thought I had to say all that, I didn't think…I didn't think you'd know all that just by the way I looked at you." He turned back to meet Jessie's gaze. "It's not easy for me to say what I'm feeling."
"I know." Jessie nodded to himself. "You keep it all inside. You say a lot by the way you look at me, even if you don't say the words. But I know that when you do say something, when you do open up, it means so much more than when someone else says it. Because I know it comes from your soul."
"I wish I could be more open. Like the way you are." He smiled weakly. "I'm trying."
"I know. But I'm totally fine with you eye fucking me from across the room." Jessie laughed. "Now kiss me."
"Oh my God." Aidan threw his head back against the couch, smiling in obvious amusement.
"Fine, later then. Don't be mad. But I called my doctor today to ask her a question."
Aidan slowly turned his head toward him. "Okay," he said, enunciating each letter of the small word.
"I want to sleep with you—"
"You should buy me a drink or something first."
Jessie shoved him. "I meant sleep. That night we slept together on the couch, I slept the whole night through and…I liked being here with you."
Aidan quieted and subtly nodded. "Me too. But…you were worried?"
"I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't put you in a position that would be a problem for you. So I told her what happened."
"And?"
A smiled tugged at the corner of Jessie's mouth, happy to hear the intrusion of privacy hadn't been an issue. "She said it was the unexpected element that may have triggered your reaction."
Aidan straightened into a sitting position. "May have?"
"She said every case is different, but th
at was usually the reaction when the mind was hyper-aware of everything and something changed. She said it's what she typically sees in PTSD cases."
Aidan's body tensed and he released their clasped hands. "I don't doubt I have some lingering stuff to deal with but I'd never—"
Jessie quieted him with a comforting hand on his arm. "I know. And that's why I asked her about what happened. I knew you'd still be torturing yourself about it."
Aidan visibly cringed.
Something raced through Aidan's mind that alerted every nerve in Jessie's body to ease him. Jessie stroked Aidan's arm, hoping to smooth the crease between his brows. "So if we go to bed together, it should be fine. It's just not smart to startle you or sneak up on you."
"Here," Aidan said abruptly. "Not…not the bed."
"Okay," Jessie said slowly, making note of Aidan's tension and hesitation. "But only if—"
"I want to," Aidan said quickly, cutting off Jessie. "If…if I do anything… Fuck, I can't believe I'm going to say this…" He ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled heavily then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Knee me in the balls if I do anything."
A bubble of laughter escaped Jessie.
"I'm glad you find that funny."
"I promise to knee you if you do anything, then ice and stroke your balls until they're healed."
"You have a serious ball obsession." Aidan shook his head and hid a smile. "Was it Dr. Engel you spoke to?"
Jessie nodded.
Aidan rubbed his thighs repeatedly, fidgeting. "I've been seeing her. Not sure how it'll go, but…yeah, I'm trying." He looked over to Jessie with a pleading expression that speared Jessie's heart. Sometimes, even with all of Aidan's bluster and Aidanisms, a vulnerability managed to peek through his armor. Jessie wanted to be with Aidan in every way, to be the one person who knew all his hiding places, regardless of how dark they were.
"Show some mercy. Kiss me already," Jessie said, barely able to coherently assemble his thoughts.