They remained quiet, each lost in his or her own thoughts while the fire’s light sent shadows dancing around the room. Lucy felt its warmth and wished her passion for Andrew would be as bright and hot as the flames, for she felt as if she was still lost in the shadows of missing memories. However, at least she was in the same room, which was a vast improvement from where she began.
She turned her gaze to his face to find him already gazing down upon her. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers, and a new heat rushed through her body. The kiss was hungry, needy, and she wanted with all her heart to soar with love for him. However, when the kiss broke, she realized that love was still lacking within her.
“That was beautiful,” he said, his voice husky.
“It was.” She had not lied, per se, but she did not feel as if she was being completely honest either. However, she could not break his heart any further by sharing her thoughts and feelings in this moment. “We should go to sleep,” she whispered. “The hour is late.”
He nodded and helped her stand. “If you do not mind, I will sleep on the chair in your room tonight,” he said. “Mother will be up long before the sun, and if she finds me…”
Lucy felt a wave of shame wash over her. “I understand,” she replied quietly. “Come, let us go.”
Once they were in the bedroom, Andrew closed the door behind them. He removed his coat and she felt a pang of regret as she removed her slippers. The humiliation the man must feel being made to sleep in a chair rather than his wife’s bed had to be beyond measure. If others learned that they did not share a bed, what would they say? What would the gossip-mongers make of their situation? How would she answer their questions? That she refused her bed because she did not love him although she was married to him? How many other women married for other reasons besides love, but still offered up their bed?
She wiped at a tear in her eye as Andrew flicked out his blanket to cover himself as he went to the chair he had slept in so many nights before.
“Andrew?” she said in a quiet voice.
“Yes?”
“It is much too cold for you to sleep in that chair. You may sleep in my bed tonight.”
He nodded as he set the blanket down in the chair and pulled back the covers on the bed. “I will face this way so you can change,” he said.
Lucy said nothing as she removed her dress. Rather than changing into her dressing gown, she remained in her shift and crawled under the covers. A moment later, Andrew extinguished the lamp and Lucy felt the bed sink under his weight. The bed shifted slightly as he turned onto his back, and Lucy swallowed, bracing herself for him to take her.
His hand moved across the bed and she closed her eyes as she waited for him to grasp her shift. However, he did not do so. Instead, he took her hand in his and squeezed it.
This time she did not wipe away the tears that fell as his words echoed through the room and into her heart. “Tomorrow is a new day. No matter what it may bring, we will face it together.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
The following morning, a handful of guests arrived and were shown to rooms in which they could rest after their long journey. The majority of guests, however, arrived in the early evening, already in their finest attire. The women wore gowns of the latest fashions from London and Paris in a rainbow of colors, and the men looked dapper in their tailcoats and breeches. Lucy stood beside Andrew as they greeted their guests, some of whom she knew and many others she did not. As it was, Andrew introduced her to people whose name she forgot as the next stranger approached her with a bow or a curtsy. Hannah, the ever-faithful friend, stood nearby to assist in any way she could, and although there was little required of her at the moment, having her there gave Lucy strength.
Lucy glanced over at Andrew, who gave her a smile of approval and a sweeping glance of her gown. It was white threaded with gold that glittered under the hundreds of candles around them, and the neckline swooped down to reveal much more of her bosom than she had ever shown, though Andrew had assured her that, on more than one occasion, she had worn something similar after they married. The appreciative looks she received, however, told her that the style suited her well; the women casting jealous glances and the men staring at her appreciatively made her feel much more confident as the night wore on.
The guests all had been led to the ballroom, a massive room with two chandeliers, dozens of wall sconces, and specially placed candelabras was so brightly lit one would have thought the sun itself had been captured and placed in the room.
“You are by far the most beautiful woman here tonight,” Andrew whispered to her once the last guest arrived. “I may have to work up the courage to ask you to dance later.”
However, Mason opened the door once more and Lucy gave a cry of happiness upon seeing the woman with flaxen hair in a deep emerald green gown with tiny white beads on the skirts and bodice.
“Charlotte!” Lucy said as her friend walked in, the cold air blowing in behind her.
“Oh, Lucy,” Charlotte said, “I am so sorry I have not been to see you sooner. Samuel has been unwell.” When she saw the confused look on Lucy’s face, she added, “Samuel is my son, you see. Anyway, it has been very difficult to get away.”
“Well, I am glad you were able to attend this evening,” Lucy said. Then she caught Andrew’s eye. “Oh, Charlotte, you remember…” However, when she turned back around, she saw Andrew beside the Dowager Duchess as they entered the ballroom. “My husband seems to be busy at the moment,” she said with a sigh. “How are you?”
“I am well,” Charlotte replied. “Might we sneak away for a quick brandy?”
Lucy smiled. Any doubts that the friendship they shared having changed evaporated as they headed to Andrew’s study. Lucy poured them each a measure of brandy and then handed Charlotte one of the glasses.
“You look lovely,” Lucy said as she admired Charlotte’s gown, its puffed sleeves lined with white lace.
“This old thing?” Charlotte said with a laugh, and Lucy relaxed immediately. They took a seat on the sofa in front of the fireplace and sipped their brandy before Charlotte said, “Now, my friend, your memory. From what your letters say, some memories have returned?”
“Indeed,” Lucy replied. “I remember an incident where Andrew and I strolled through the gardens and he tore a sleeve of his coat, but nothing immediately before or after that particular moment. I have also dreamed of my accident, although how much is truth and how much is fantasy, I do not know. As it is, I recall nothing after the engagement party almost two years ago.”
“Ah, the one where your now husband appropriated himself a kiss from you?” Charlotte asked with a wide grin.
Lucy laughed. “Yes, that is the party of which I speak. It is difficult not remembering things, and it is especially hard on Andrew, though he does not complain.”
“Well, he does love you,” Charlotte said firmly. “It is something you can see, even now, in his eyes. When you two were courting, you both changed so much as you fell in love, I worried I would not know the person you had become. However, as your friend, I could see that you both changed for the best, so I approved.” She placed a hand on Lucy’s arm. “I know your pain, but it will return; I can feel it.”
Lucy thanked her friend, and for the next few minutes the two women shared in all they had missed while they had been apart. Lucy was happy for her friend, having married and birthing her first child; however, she felt sadness wash over her nonetheless. So much had happened over the past two years. Parties, children, trips to London, things that Lucy did not remember even though she had been there.
The clock chimed and Lucy gasped. “We must go; I must not keep the guests waiting.” She stood up and Charlotte followed suit. “I do hope we will be able to speak more later.”
“Yes, I hope so, as well. Now, you have a party to host. How strange to think of us as hostesses in our own homes.”
Lucy laughed. “Indeed.”
“However, if we gro
w bored, we can always slip out to have a few sips of brandy,” Charlotte whispered as they left the room.
“How can I slip away from the very party I’m hosting?” Lucy asked with amusement.
“It is quite easy, I assure you. I do it all the time.” This brought on a new bout of laughter.
***
The night wore on and Lucy wished it was later than it was as her eyes scanned the crowded ballroom, women with fashionable gowns and men in their dapper tailcoats and breeches talking, dancing, or drinking—some doing all three. With so many smiles, Lucy wondered how it could be so difficult for her to smile, as well. However, she knew quite well what bothered her; although she had engaged in numerous conversations, none sparked even a single memory, much to her chagrin, and this only brought on another wave of frustration.
“Lucy?” Andrew asked, and Lucy turned to see him standing beside yet another couple she did not know. “You remember Lord and Lady Montgomery?” They appeared to be in their late twenties, both with warm smiles and kind eyes.
Rather than admit that she did not remember them, she instead said, “Of course. It is very nice to see you again. How long has it been?”
“I believe it was your wedding,” Lady Montgomery replied. “I have told Ewan many times it was one of the nicest weddings we have ever attended.”
“Well, we appreciate you saying so,” Andrew said with a smile.
They continued with a small amount of discussion as to their plans for the upcoming holidays, and then the couple excused themselves when they saw Lord Montgomery’s brother in a far corner.
When they left, Andrew smiled down at Lucy. “So, you remember them?” he asked. “You remember our wedding?”
Lucy could not bear the delight in his voice, for it broke her heart. “I am sorry,” she admitted honestly, “but I do not. I simply wished to remain pleasant and not insult them.”
“It does not matter,” he said in a low voice, and although he smiled, the disappointment was clear in his eyes and his smile seemed forced. “Would you care to dance?”
The music floated up around them, but Lucy could not help but feel a heaviness within her. “I would like that, but might we wait for a few minutes? I would like to get some air.”
He nodded and then looked across the room. “Of course,” he replied. “I will go speak with Lord Flannery concerning some business. Just let me know when you are ready.”
“Thank you,” Lucy said gratefully.
When Andrew had walked away, Lucy let out a heavy sigh. Hannah was talking to a man, and Lucy was thankful to see Charlotte beside her. A footman walked by and offered Lucy a glass of wine. She hesitated at first, having already consumed two glasses, but took one despite the effects the other drinks had already had on her. At this point, she needed something, anything, to calm her taunt nerves.
However, rather than calming her, the room began to close in around her, and the laughs and whispers became amplified and more irritating.
“What a splendid party,” a woman of about thirty who Lucy did not recognize said. “It reminds me of your wedding reception.”
“Thank you,” Lucy murmured as she felt a heat radiate through her body and her head swim. “I am glad you are enjoying yourself.” She wished the woman would leave her alone, but of course, the woman continued on as if they were old friends.
“When you and Lord Balfour danced together that night, it was a sight to see. The love you two demonstrated…I must admit, I was more than a little jealous. If my Daniel looked at me the way His Grace looks at you, I would be in heaven.”
Lucy fought the tears that threatened to fall, for she could imagine being the person this woman described. She could not see Andrew with that amount of love, and it brought on a new sense of deep hurt and sorrow.
She looked across the room and caught his eye. He smiled, and even from this distance, she could see the love he felt for her. Oh, how she wished she could reciprocate that same emotion. It seemed so unfair; so many women would give anything to have even a fraction of the love he showed her.
“If you will excuse me,” Lucy said in a choked voice. She rushed across the room to where Charlotte and Hannah stood. Both women turned as she approached.
“I believe it is time to slip away,” Lucy whispered, but then she glanced around the room. “I fear too many people will notice my absence.”
“Worry not, my friend,” Charlotte said with a mischievous smile. “No one will notice, at least not for a while.” She motioned to Hannah to follow and the trio made their way past a large group of people, not one who Lucy recognized. “The trick is to not be noticeable,” Charlotte explained. “Keep your voice low and follow the wall behind everyone.”
As they moved closer to the door that led to the foyer, Lucy realized that no one gave them a second glance. Once they were outside the room, they headed straight to the study and closed the door behind them, muting the music and loud voices of the party guests immediately.
A fire blazed in the fireplace, making the room warm and cozy as Charlotte went to the liquor cart and pulled out a bottle of brandy and three glasses.
“Now, ladies, what shall we discuss?” she asked as she led Lucy and Hannah to the sofa.
Charlotte had been Lucy’s best friend for as long as she could remember, and Hannah was becoming very a good friend, as well. However, although Lucy knew she could trust them both with her worries, she decided not to burden them, not this evening, at least. Instead, she forced a smile.
“I am curious to know with whom Hannah was speaking earlier,” she said with a raised eyebrow.
Hannah’s cheeks turned a bright shade of pink and Charlotte laughed. As the women talked, Lucy gave all outward appearances of one who was enjoying herself. And although it was partly true, for the two women before her were near and dear to her heart, inside, she was hurting and she found herself contemplating what she should do to fix her life.
***
The three women spent only thirty minutes in the study with their glasses of brandy before Lucy asked her friends to return to the party. Charlotte gave her a concerned look, but Lucy assured her she was well, but that she simply needed time alone. She felt guilty for leaving her guests, but a feeling of dismay had washed over her and she was unsure if she could continue to pretend she was not upset.
She refilled the glass and took a sip of the drink, the fiery liquid burning down her throat, almost as if to remind her she was still alive. For all intents and purposes, the party had been a failure. She and Andrew had hoped that reconnecting with people she should have known would spark memories, but she had not remembered anyone except those she already knew two years earlier. Although she felt deep frustration for this fact, what upset her even more was how much this was hurting Andrew. She knew it must be killing the man inside having a wife who did not love him, who would lay in bed with him but not allow him to touch her. Each time he smiled or went beyond what was expected of him as a husband, she was wracked with guilt even more.
The door opened and Andrew entered. She wished to share her heart, but when he hurried over to her, concern on his face, she could not bear to hurt him in that moment.
“It looks as if I have found you,” he said. “I have had my eyes on your all night.” His eyes raked down her dress, and she felt a familiar flame ignite inside her. However, this was not right, she had to tell him the truth. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, and his arms encircled her and pulled her against him in a tight embrace. The kiss was full of passion and longing, but she was not in the mood to kiss. They needed to talk.
She lightly pushed him away from her. “Andrew, not now,” she said quietly, and then it happened. For the first time in a long time, he became angry.
“Very well, then,” he said, his voice laced with venom. “I cannot kiss you, nor can I love you for fear you will reject me once again.” It was then that she smelled the alcohol on his breath.
“Please, let me explain,” she starte
d to say, but he shook his head.
“No, there is no need to explain anymore. You do not love me, a fact that I had hoped would pass but one of which you are adamant to remind me. I will no longer try to make you fall in love with me. It makes me sick having to do such a thing with my wife. You remain in your room and I will remain in mine.”
“I am sorry…”
“No more sorry,” he shouted. “It is not as if we share the same bed anyway. Now, I need you to dance with me, for I am done making excuses to our guests as to your whereabouts.”
Lucy nodded meekly, but inside her heart was breaking. “If I could just have a moment before we return.”
His hand shot out and grabbed the glass from her hand. For a moment she wondered if he would throw it into the fireplace, but instead he set it on the mantle. “You have already had more than a few minutes, Lucy,” he said in a low, chill voice. “You have had months. Now, enough of this embarrassment. It is time to return to our party.”
Shock coursed through her as he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to the study door. Lucy used her other hand to wipe the tears from her eyes, for it would do neither of them good if she returned to the party teary-eyed and upset.
They entered the ballroom and quickly joined the other couples as they danced. Lucy did her best to smile, to appear the happy woman everyone expected her to be. When she looked up at Andrew, however, he did little to hide his disdain and anger. The smile he wore was forced, nothing like the patient and kind smile she had grown to appreciate. As the music changed and they continued to dance, Lucy began to think of how things had grown steadily worse. Not because of Andrew, but because of her own actions. She needed to get away from these people, from this home, and from Andrew. She would have to develop plans later, for now, she needed to try to appease him before she hurt him any further in front of his friends and family.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The last guest staggered out the front door, a man Andrew knew only as an acquaintance but well enough to enjoy his company on most occasions.
The Duchess Remembers Page 15