“In a foreign land, there was a brother and sister who were very close, and they grew tomatoes on their farm.
“One day a yellow tomato grew, and when they saw it, the two of them thought, This must be gold.
“Each and every day the two of them gazed fondly at the golden tomato, and they felt totally happy.
“Around that time, the two of them spotted a dazzling circus coming toward them.”
A smile came over her lips, her eyes gleamed, and she told her story innocently.
I knew how the story ended.
Pain creaked in the depths of my heart.
Melancholy that made me want to cry rose up in my throat.
“The two of them carried around golden tomatoes instead of money. But a knight told them, ‘This is just an ordinary tomato. Are you trying to make a fool of me?’ and he threw the tomatoes at them. The little girl started crying.”
“…Miu, you didn’t think of that story. It’s ‘Yellow Tomatoes’ by Kenji Miyazawa,” I informed her gently, fighting back my pain. Miu gaped at me. Her hair shook again smoothly.
“Whaaaat? I never heard of that. I made this story up myself.”
Then she went on in a singsong voice.
“Ah, these woeful children. The woeful little boy and girl. They were very good children, you know. But then that happened to them—so woeful…so woeful…”
My heart ached.
If all they had done was gaze at the yellow fruit that grew in their field believing it was gold, the young siblings might have been happy.
If they’d never realized it was just an ordinary tomato.
“Come see me again tomorrow, Konoha. I can’t do anything when you’re not here. I wonder if my body will get any better. I wonder if I’ll start to move right.”
I could hear the creak-creak of my heart.
“If you keep going with your physical therapy, you’ll get better.”
“I guess…”
She looked up at me uneasily, then suddenly beamed.
“But even if I don’t get better, I just want you to be with me. If you come to see me and we play together, I’ll be plenty happy.”
Her smile was clear and easy, and she looked truly happy.
“I’ll come every day.”
“’Kay. I’ll wait for you every day. It’s a promise. Stay with me all day today. Till it gets dark.”
I lifted Miu from the electric wheelchair and laid her down in her bed. I stroked her smooth hair, told her I was going to change the water in her vase, and then left the room.
In the hall stood Akutagawa and Kotobuki, wearing coats over their school uniforms.
“Inoue…”
Akutagawa furrowed his brow in a pained expression.
Kotobuki was looking at me sadly, keeping her lips shut.
We went to a lounge, sat down in some chairs, and talked sporadically.
“Asakura still hasn’t come back?”
“…Nope. She still thinks that she and I are in third grade.”
Akutagawa tightly clenched the hands resting on his lap.
Kotobuki, who had been released from the hospital a few days ago, bit down slightly on her lip and hung her head.
A few days earlier, when she saw the two of them come to her room, Miu whispered in fright, “Who’re you? Do you know them, Konoha?” and hid behind my back.
“No…! Please go home. I don’t wanna talk to anyone but Konoha.”
When that happened, Akutagawa’s eyes had gone wide, and he stood in shock. Kotobuki was also trembling and pale.
I’d interjected through Miu’s fretfulness that “she’ll be back soon,” and invited them out to the hospital garden.
Once there, I’d bowed deeply and apologized for everything that had happened.
“I’m…really sorry that I couldn’t believe you. And it’s my fault that Miu’s like this now. I promised I would go with her, and then I betrayed her. I took my eyes off of her…”
Probably neither of them knew what to say to me after that. They were silent, but it wasn’t accusatory.
“I wonder if Asakura’ll be like this forever,” Akutagawa murmured in a strained voice. He was probably blaming himself about as much as I was. Wondering if he might have been able to help Miu more.
Kotobuki flinched at Akutagawa’s words and looked at me uneasily.
I whispered quietly, still hugging the vase in my arms, “I don’t know. Some random event might suddenly make her better, or she could be like this for years. The doctors said…it was best to see how things went and not to rush.”
Akutagawa’s face contorted, and he clenched his teeth.
He was probably thinking about his mother. She had been asleep for years now. Apparently even the doctors didn’t know if she would ever wake up or if she would just stop breathing one day. He knew better than any of us the torture of helplessly waiting.
“What are you going to do, Inoue? If Asakura doesn’t ever go back to normal?”
Kotobuki was watching me, too, holding her breath.
My throat tightened, and a pain that felt like it was digging into my chest coursed through me. I had no idea what I should do. Why had things turned out like this for us?
But I couldn’t betray Miu again.
“I’ll be at Miu’s side, even if it takes years. As long as she wants me there.”
Kotobuki gasped.
Akutagawa tightly furrowed his brow as well.
If only I had reached out and taken hold of Miu’s hand that day. I had regretted that so often. But no, if instead I had realized the truth about Miu sooner, then maybe she wouldn’t have been driven that far the first time or this time.
Now that she had felt such despair that she reverted to being a child, staying by Miu’s side was the only way I could make it up to her.
“…Are you sure?” Akutagawa asked grimly.
“…Yeah.”
When I softly murmured my answer, Kotobuki stared down at her feet and said, “Asakura’s so sneaky. She’s tying you up…She’s making you suffer!”
Her voice was hard, but her face looked like she was about to cry.
My chest tightened.
Kotobuki lifted her face, and with eyes even closer to tears—eyes desperately resisting the urge to cry—she looked at me.
“Is…there anything I can do for you? Maybe I can’t help, but… if there’s anything I can do, just say so. Whatever it is. I don’t mind.”
Painfully strong feelings welled up in my throat. Akutagawa was looking at me, worry cast on his face.
“Thanks. But I’ll be okay.”
It was all I could say.
There was nothing more I could think of.
“Inoue!”
Kotobuki’s eyes filled with tears.
I caught a glimpse of her tears, and I almost broke apart. I stood up.
“Miu will worry if I take too long, so I should get back. Thank you for coming today, really. Both of you.”
I said my good-byes to them, and I walked off alone.
That night I got a call from Akutagawa on my cell phone.
“Inoue, I still haven’t apologized for what happened at school…”
“When you and I fought? If that’s all, then we’re even.”
“No, I was asking for way too much from you. And then when Asakura disappeared from the hospital to ask you to save her…I let go of Asakura’s hand, too, when I did that. You’re not the only one at fault for Asakura getting this way. I’m sorry.”
He really had been suffering, too. I sensed the pain coloring his deep, controlled voice and it, too, stabbed into my chest.
I murmured that it wasn’t like that, but I was pretty sure Akutagawa would continue to blame himself.
“…And about Kotobuki.”
He started to say something, then faltered and fell silent.
I held my breath and listened. Maybe something had happened after I’d returned to Miu’s room.
After the awkward s
ilence had drawn out, Akutagawa murmured awkwardly, “She looks like she’s taking it pretty hard. She was worried about you.”
The image of Kotobuki valiantly enduring all this, her eyebrows furrowed, came to mind, and it felt like my heart was ripping apart. I wondered if she’d cried after that.
“I’ll keep up with her as much as I can.”
“Thanks. I’d feel better if you were with her,” I said, then ended the call.
It was the next day when Kotobuki showed up at the hospital.
I was talking with Miu in her room when the door suddenly opened without even a knock, and Kotobuki came in wearing a coat and uniform.
She wore a grim expression, and for some reason, she was carrying a bucket instead of a bag. It was a slightly smaller plastic one like they would have at a dollar store.
When I tried to stop her, she threw the contents of the bucket at Miu.
“Eek!”
There was a splash! and Miu was drenched, sitting in her wheelchair. Beside her, a few drops of water hit my face, as well.
“Wh-what are you doing?!”
Water was dripping off of her hair and pajamas. Miu raised her eyebrows harshly and advanced straight toward Kotobuki in her electric wheelchair.
Kotobuki swung her right arm up without a word and slapped Miu roundly in the face as she approached.
A sharp sound echoed through the room, and Miu’s right cheek turned a mottled red.
Then Kotobuki’s hand came down on her left cheek, too.
“Kotobuki, stop!”
By the time I’d gotten a handle on the situation and run over to her, Miu had lifted herself up and grabbed onto Kotobuki, her face scarlet.
Gripping Kotobuki’s jacket in her right hand, she pulled her closer and slapped Kotobuki in the face with her left.
“What d’you think you’re doing? You hussy thief!”
Miu rained jeers on her. Kotobuki bit down on her lip, her eyes flashing, and she slapped Miu back.
“Who’s the hussy?! You heinous, bald-faced hussy liar!!”
Crack! Crack! Crack! rang out in succession.
“—Nngh!”
Miu grabbed Kotobuki’s arm and dragged her down, then scratched Kotobuki’s face with her other hand.
I had just cut her nails earlier, so they were short, but she did it with so much force that Kotobuki groaned in pain.
When Kotobuki knocked away Miu’s hand and retreated, Miu flew at her, her eyes bloodshot.
Miu’s hips rose completely off the seat, and after supporting herself for the barest of moments on her own two legs, she toppled toward Kotobuki.
The two fell to the floor and wrestled.
Miu grabbed Kotobuki’s hair and screamed, “I won’t let anyone interfere with me and Konoha! Konoha won’t be friends with a girl like you! Just leave us alone!”
And Kotobuki yelled back, gripping Miu’s pajamas, “You’re moving your mouth and hands pretty good! Even though you couldn’t even lift a spoon yesterday. I guess a dunking cleared your head and made you remember how old you are?”
“Wh—?”
Miu’s eyes widened in shock.
I was gaping, too.
Miu, who wasn’t even supposed to be able to sit down in her wheelchair on her own, had stood up!
She was grappling with Kotobuki! Could it be that—?!
Another crisp sound came from Miu’s cheek.
“Distorting yourself to be eight years old, pretending you can’t do the smallest thing, holding Inoue back, demanding attention from him, shackling him, making him suffer—does that make you happy?! You really make me sick!!”
As she yelled, Kotobuki rained a flurry of blows down on Miu.
“For someone who can’t move their fingers right, you’ve sure always got smooth hair, you’re dressed neatly, you put on nice perfume—! A-a girl can see straight through another girl’s lies!!”
Miu was taking all of the blows. In return, she swung at the sides of Kotobuki’s head with all her might and dragged the nails of both hands down her face and neck.
“What do you know?! Konoha has belonged to me since we were kids!”
“Who decided that?! Inoue’s not your dog, and he doesn’t belong to you!!”
“And yet you were afraid of my text messages! The first time you came here even, you were totally pale and nervous. You toppled over the second you came into the room! I had to laugh!”
“You know that’s because you smeared soap on the floor!”
“And you fell down the stairs.”
“You shoved me!!”
“Yeah, I did! You were bait to draw Konoha here. But even so, you took my invitation and came toddling blindly over, you idiot!”
Miu straddled Kotobuki and slapped her on one cheek after the other. Kotobuki grabbed hold of Miu’s collar, flipped her body over, and shoved her to the ground.
“St-stop it, both of you! Kotobuki! Miu is sick! You cut it out, too, Miu!”
I had been utterly stunned at Kotobuki’s outrageous act and that Miu’s memory had come back.
Just as I was trying to get in between them, someone grabbed my arm.
“Leave it. Kotobuki’s doing this for you.”
I didn’t know when he’d come into the room, but Akutagawa was standing there with a serious look on his face.
“For me…”
“Yeah. Kotobuki took it upon herself to be the bad guy in order to free you from Asakura with the full understanding that you might hate her for it.”
Kotobuki’s face was florid, and she gritted her teeth as she brawled with Miu.
“Inoue cared about you, and he was in pain the whole time, you know! You monopolized his affections!”
Tears colored her eyes, and her lips were trembling slightly.
That was how Kotobuki looked when she was giving everything she had to look strong.
“Is…there anything I can do for you?”
“Maybe I can’t help, but…if there’s anything I can do, just say so.”
I remembered her using all of her strength to say that to me, looking like she was about to cry, and my heart swelled.
I’d hurt Kotobuki a lot, but she was still fighting with Miu to help me.
“Inoue loved you!! He treasured you! His smiles were only ever for you! The whole time I could see that. So why do you hurt him?! Why do you jump off buildings and throw yourself in front of cars in front of him?! Why do you lie and make him suffer?!”
“Because—because if I didn’t, Konoha would forget me! He would go away from me!”
Wringing her hair wildly, the three top buttons of her pajamas ripped off, Miu crouched flat on the floor and started pouring out tears.
“You’ve got family and friends who’ll come visit you, so you wouldn’t understand. When you were in the hospital this summer, I snuck over to get a look at you. You were surrounded by friends from school teasing you about Konoha, and you were denying it all and blushing.
“Then I saw your dad and your mom and your grandma helping you out, too. Your family looked really close, and you whined that you didn’t want to be treated like a child. You’ve got people besides Konoha you can be with! Konoha is all I have!”
Kotobuki watched Miu declare all this, tears spilling from her eyes and her voice hitching, and she lowered her raised hand, and her face went blank.
Miu had lost all her fight, and her slumped shoulders trembling slightly, she sobbed like a child.
“My dad and my mom and my grandma…they never did anything but use me as a trash can. Konoha was the only one who ever said clean, nice things to me. And yet Konoha went away, too.”
Beads rolled from her cheeks to strike the floor like rain.
Akutagawa was furrowing his brow and looking at Miu in apparent pain. My heart fluttered at the poignancy of it, too.
“…Ngh, I…can’t imagine anything anymore. I can’t picture a clean world! There’s nothing but filth inside me. There’s no such thing as true happiness.
This world and I are both bleak and ugly! So I’m going to stay a child. I’m going to stay the way I was when we promised we would go to space together. Because if I become an adult, Konoha will leave me. He wouldn’t go with me.
“So I’m gonna stay a child forever and ever! Don’t interfere, please! Don’t take Konoha from me! Don’t!!”
Miu raising her voice and crying.
A lament that served no purpose. Despair. A pitch-black world like the farthest reaches of space. A heart being steadily sliced up. Pain—that pain, that scream that stabbed into my chest.
How much Miu had sought me.
How she had tried to confine my whole body, my whole spirit.
Miu was that isolated, that sad, that tortured—not allowed even to flee into sleep in the middle of the night, unable even to find comfort in imagining a beautiful world, only ever dragging her wounded body along to continue wandering, lost.
I had stolen salvation from Miu.
I’d broken Miu’s world and refused her final wish.
Said that I couldn’t go with her. I’d let go of Miu’s hand and murdered her spirit for a second time.
My entire body was flayed by the continuous despair, and my mind became gloomy.
What can I do to give you happiness?
What can we do to reach the land of happiness?
Akutagawa, Kotobuki, and I all fell silent, cherishing a sadness that continued to ache, and stared at Miu. Just then—
At the door, we heard a clear voice.
“I’ll tell you where you can glimpse happiness.”
Her long, thin braids spilling over her shoulders, her black eyes gently at peace, a smile like a violet on her lips—Tohko stood there wearing a navy coat over her school uniform.
Miu raised her eyes, wet with tears.
“You…”
Innocent surprise spread over Miu’s face.
Tohko stepped slowly over to Miu, bent slightly at the waist, and in a voice colored with familiarity, she said, “I don’t think I introduced myself when we met on the roof. We also spoke on the phone once, but you hung up that day, too.”
Book Girl and the Wayfarer's Lamentation Page 18