“I agree.” He lifted the cup and took a sip of the drink. The evening had cooled, and Ethan was glad he’d worn a jacket. “When I look at this expanse, I see God and all His handiwork.”
She remained silent, her gaze sweeping the vista.
He presumed he’d made a mistake bringing it up. Yet since he’d already introduced the subject of faith, this seemed the time to talk. He steeled himself. “Earlier today you asked me again how I could lose a wife and yet still believe.”
“I did.” She reached for her tea and wrapped her hands around the warm cup. “What really troubles me is believing in a God who says He will give you all you ask in prayer, but He doesn’t. He didn’t cure Laine even with your prayers. That’s what I mean.”
Ethan pondered the question again though he’d thought about it during the day. Again he searched for the right words. Lexie’s inquisitiveness encouraged him. She’d asked questions more than once, and he believed she was on the brink of opening her mind and heart to the Lord. But he felt the pressure. Providing the right response rested on him, and he didn’t feel capable.
His chest constricted. Nothing rested on him. Truth and faith rested on the Holy Spirit working through him. He closed his eyes, his prayer rising with the speed of light.
“I don’t understand everything about God, Lexie. So much depends on acceptance and faith. We’ve talked about that often. For example, you know the sun rises in the morning.”
She sat in silence, her expression thoughtful. “Naturally I know the sun rises in the morning. Is that what you want me to say?”
“It’s something you accept. You don’t doubt it will rise.”
“The sun’s always there so how can I doubt it?”
“That’s the way my faith works. I don’t doubt that God reigns over this earth. That He created it.”
“But I can see the sun. I can’t see God.”
His lungs emptied. “You can see God, too, if you look at this canyon. If you see the amazing things that happen in this world. You feel a breeze, but you don’t see it. Yet it’s real. When you see disabled people rise, no longer ill, and walk away. That’s not only in the Bible. It happens every day. The doctors hold no hope, and the disease vanishes. I’ve seen healing occur with people I know.”
A scowl wrinkled her forehead. “But even if you believe how can you love a God who says no to your prayers?”
His lungs felt empty. Father, give me words. His mind surged. “The Lord responds to our prayers with a knowledge that we don’t have, Lexie. I have to trust that He knows what is best. I’m not a preacher, but I accept that God sees the big picture. He knows our needs, and our needs are not always our wants. He comes to us with responses we may not like, but ones that are the best for us. Ones that will protect us or help us grow or save us from a deeper sorrow.” He motioned toward the bedroom. “You do this with Cooper. You told me the other day I had to learn to say no, because what seems best at the time isn’t always the best in the long run.”
She lowered her head, and Ethan waited, giving her time to digest what he’d said. When she looked up, his pulse quickened.
Her gaze met his. “I understand, Ethan. I do say no to Cooper, because I think it’s best for him.”
“And God knows all things. He really knows what is in our best interest even though it seems terrible at the time.”
He dug into his hip pocket and pulled out his wallet. “When Laine was ill, I struggled with this myself so I talked to our pastor. He gave me a verse that I wrote down, and I still carry it with me. I read it when I’m down or ready to give up.”
Her eyes flickered with interest.
“Do you mind if I read it to you?”
She gave a faint nod, but her eyes said a resounding yes.
He opened his wallet and pulled out a dog-eared card. “It’s from Romans 5. ‘We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.’” He returned the card to his wallet and slipped it back into his pocket. “Do you understand why I still carry it?”
“Then you think when we have problems we learn something from it even though the problem is horrendous.”
“Yes, I do.”
“I suppose I agree with you there. All the problems in my life have helped me become stronger and more determined to survive.” She tilted her head toward the sky. “I wasn’t raised in a faith, but sometimes it makes sense, especially when I look at the beauty of this earth, as you said. I have a difficult time, too, thinking all the things that happened—the faithful of the seasons, the stars and planets forever in orbit—and I have a difficult time believing all of these things were an accident of nature.”
He relaxed as his hope grew.
“Still the Bible’s description is confusing. Six days to create this earth and everything in it?” She shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“Humans look at all of this with finite eyes and minds. God is infinite. We can’t understand it all. His power and might is beyond our understanding. I suppose that’s why we call it faith.”
Her eyes searched his. “Faith and hope go hand in hand. I do hope, Ethan. Often.”
Her admission fluttered to his heart. A door had been opened tonight. If not a door, a window. It’s what he’d prayed for. He rose and offered her his hands.
In the light seeping from the window, question flickered on her face, but he acted as his heart demanded. When she rose, he led her to the railing and stood a moment, lost in the darkness yet drawn to the glow of the full moon shedding light on the deep canyon. He glided his arm around her back and drew her closer. She tilted her head upward, the moonlight playing on the lines of her lovely face. His lips met hers, warm and soft. Longing rose to make things right, to understand each other, to admit their feelings, but he couldn’t do it alone.
Lexie trembled in his arms, and he forced himself to end the kiss. She’d mentioned fear of her emotions. The two of them were finally on a good course. He wanted nothing to happen that would mess things up now.
He rested his cheek on her sweet-scented hair and gazed at the bright moon. Everything seemed perfect, yet something inside him gnawed at his memory. Lexie had begun the trip upset with him. She couldn’t hide it. Before the trip was over, he longed to understand. The more she opened up the more chance they would have to commit to what could be a beautiful relationship.
Ethan never thought he would hear himself say that.
Chapter Eleven
Lexie’s feet hurt from walking for miles while Cooper filled out the Junior Ranger Activity Booklet that they’d picked up at the Canyon View Visitor Center. They’d searched for birds, animals, plants and trees until her eyes hurt. On top of that, she hadn’t slept well, thinking of their discussion about God. And then there were Ethan’s kisses.
“Come on, Mom.”
Cooper beckoned to her yards ahead while Ethan stuck to his side, probably preferring his eager search for information than her silent distraction. Falling in love with a man who only wanted her for the love of her child wasn’t what she’d dreamed. Truly she’d never dreamed of marrying, not after her last experience. She’d assumed some men walked away when difficult situations arose, and how would she know whom she could trust? Though she’d been wounded by his betrayal, her relationship with Cooper’s father had been a bump in the road compared to the rugged journey she’d taken with Cooper and his leukemia.
Cooper. He’d coped with adversity most of his life, and he’d grown older than his years. God came to mind again. Cooper believed without any effort. He wanted to pray at meals and at night before bed. She’d heard someone say that Jesus loved children because the kingdom of heaven belonged to them. She’d always figured children’s faith happened because they were more gullible, but since meeting Ethan, her feelings had changed. Now she sensed truth in God an
d His Son Jesus.
She’d never tried not to believe. Faith had never happened. She’d struggled much of her life to make her way, but she did, and she’d been thankful for that. Had God planned that all along? Had he given her Cooper to make her stronger and more determined? It certainly had worked. Or had God meant a child to lead her to the Lord? She’d heard Christians say that, too. Her lungs drained of air.
Ahead, Cooper and Ethan paused. She slowed to catch her breath and looked ahead to see why they’d stopped. An animal skittered through the shrubs. She’d gotten a kick out of Cooper’s binoculars, which were part of the Junior Ranger equipment. He’d spent much of the day seeing things at close range, and he hadn’t forgotten his camera.
She guessed the critter Cooper had spotted was another Kaibab squirrel, but she reached them in time to see a chipmunk. Nothing had been as exciting as spotting a mule deer at one of the canyon lookouts when they had taken the shuttle there that morning.
Cooper’s energy thrilled her, but this morning he seemed tired and his vigor had slowed a bit. She guessed he hadn’t slept well because of his tummy problems and his excitement at being at the Grand Canyon. As always, she would keep a watchful eye on him. Scanning the brush, she spotted the nervous chipmunk. “Is that a new animal for your ranger book?”
He grinned from his notes and nodded.
She eyed Ethan. “Is he about finished with the requirements to earn his ranger badge?”
He gave a nod. “We just need to check it to make sure everything’s been answered.”
“Good, because my feet are rebelling.” She stared down the path and spotted a bench.
“How can feet rebel, Mom?”
“They’re screaming silently.”
Ethan chuckled, and the sound fluttered in her head.
“Give your mom a break, buddy.” Ethan gave the nape of Cooper’s neck a squeeze. “Let’s find a bench. If you have everything, we can drop off the booklet at the visitor center and get your certificate.”
“And my badge.” Cooper shifted his eyes from one to the other.
“And your badge.” Lexie sank onto the bench, then leaned forward. “Where did you get that bad bruise?”
Cooper looked at his arms, then at her. “What bruise?”
“The one on your leg?” Cooper shrugged.
Ethan crouched down and studied his leg. “You have another one here, too.”
Lexie’s chest tightened. Bruises always frightened her, even though little boys were prone to cuts and bruises. “Be more careful, okay?”
He nodded, then turned his attention to the booklet pages.
The bench proved a respite for Lexie’s feet and her thoughts for a moment as she waited. Minutes passed, and she looked at her watch. “How much longer?”
Ethan grinned. “Only a few more pages. It sounds as if more than your feet are rebelling.”
She grinned. “I think I’ll find a restroom while you finish.”
Ethan nodded and refocused on the booklet while she walked away. Seeing Ethan and Cooper together stirred concern inside her. Coop deserved a dad, and a good one like Ethan. He’d stolen her son’s heart, and some of hers no matter how hard she tried to avoid it. Ethan said all the right things, yet she continued to worry.
The familiar words tossed back and forth in her head. Faith. Trust. God. Shame. Forgiveness. Could a mighty God like Ethan’s forgive people’s bungled mistakes? Her parents had turned their back on her for so long until Cooper became ill. She assumed they’d felt sorry for her. But pity wasn’t love.
She saw a restroom and was in and out in a minute. Though her feet were still protesting, she hurried along the path with the hope that the booklet was ready and they could go back to the hotel to rest. As she neared the bench, Cooper seemed deep in conversation with Ethan, and her interest spiked. Though guilt matched her curiosity, she eased a short distance behind them and eavesdropped.
“I love this trip. It’s been so fun.”
“I’m glad, Coop.”
“If I had one more dream come true, you know what it would be?”
Lexie couldn’t see Cooper’s face, but she could almost guess he wore a silly grin. From behind, she watched Ethan tilt his head and look up as if he were thinking.
Ethan’s head lowered. “I’m not sure, Coop. This trip is pretty special.”
“My wish is really special.” He cuddled closer and put his head on Ethan’s shoulder, his arms around Ethan’s body. “I wish you were my dad.”
Ethan’s head jerked while Lexie froze in place. She wanted to escape. To get away and not hear Cooper’s plaintive admission. She’d talked to him the night before, but this was the ultimate damage. Even if she wanted to get involved with Ethan, she couldn’t now. She’d questioned his motivation since they’d met, and now their relationship sank even deeper into hopelessness.
Ethan’s arm enveloped Cooper. “You know, Coop, a dad is something Dreams Come True can’t give you. Things like that take far more than wishes.”
“Prayers. I could say prayers.”
Ice seeped into her soul. Cooper had never bugged her about having a father, and he’d asked few questions about his. Once in a while, he’d hinted that he would like to have someone to show him how to do things like play ball and bait a hook, but nothing like this.
Cooper raised his head. “Couldn’t I? I could pray for a dad just like you.” Cooper’s tone begged for validation.
Ethan appeared as startled as she felt. She backed away, embarrassed she’d listened to their private conversation. Desperation replaced her curiosity. Her son wanted to pray for a father, and not just any father. He wanted Ethan.
“You can pray for anything, but it doesn’t mean God will give you exactly what you want, Cooper. You need to know that.”
“But I could try. Lucy’s mom says Jesus hears our prayers. So maybe He’ll want to say yes.”
Ethan rested his chin on Cooper’s head. “Maybe He will.”
They sat in silence, and Lexie adjusted her equilibrium, her legs unsteady. She struggled for air, but she had to return. She had to appear normal. She made her legs move.
“Mom.” Cooper’s eyes opened wide. “You’re back fast.”
Ethan slipped his arms from Cooper and rose. “We’re ready.”
Cooper hurried to her as he waved the booklet. “My book is all filled in. We checked every page. Now I can get my Junior Ranger Badge.”
Ethan rose, his face mottled as Lexie’s concern rose. Ethan had told her that he loved Cooper. But the look on his face confirmed he hadn’t planned on commitment. Nothing like that had been even hinted at. She’d made a mistake allowing Ethan to join them, even though she loved his company. She feared being hurt to the core. Worse, that Cooper could be devastated. The child adored him.
The situation messed with her mind. Four more days together. How would she deal with this?
Tension reigned at dinner. All Ethan could think about was Cooper’s newest wish. Removing it from his thoughts was like ignoring a lion watching him eat his meal, and it didn’t help that Cooper looked so cute, sitting at the table wearing the Coyote Award badge pinned to his polo shirt. Lexie seemed quiet. Though she talked about the rest of the trip, the conversation seemed forced. It hadn’t been easy for him, either. Once again Lexie’s mood swings befuddled him.
When they headed back to the lodge, Cooper hadn’t whined about wanting to do something more that evening although they’d enjoyed a full day. Ethan needed time to think, time to deal with Cooper’s request. The idea had entered his mind long ago, but it hadn’t moved beyond his thoughts. A few kisses, wonderful kisses, hung in his memory. Commitment meant more than kisses. It meant dealing with every aspect of life. The good and the bad. He’d dealt with enough bad for a lifetime, but his heart overpowered logic. Logic played no part in love.
At the doorway of his room, he paused, longing to tell Lexie what happened, but knowing it would upset her. Instead of dumping it on her there, he�
�d wait a few more days until they arrived home. It would be better for everyone all the way around. He said good-night and stepped inside.
He tossed his sport coat on the bed and slipped off his shoes, then wished he’d picked up something to drink.
His mind spun, and instead of listening to the same thoughts over and over, he turned on the TV. Working through the menu, he flipped from one program to the next. Nothing caught his attention. It was early yet. Only nine. He sat on the edge of the bed and picked up a shoe.
When the telephone rang, he jumped. Lexie. It had to be. He picked up the receiver.
“Would you like to come down? I’m making tea.”
Tea? Could he spend time with her without telling her? He closed his eyes. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
Tension still sounded in her voice. Ethan shook his head. Why did he and Lexie try to second-guess each other all the time? He needed to ask point-blank and insist for honesty. They were both tiptoeing around internal scars that would never heal if they didn’t get the wound open to the fresh air.
When Lexie opened the door, her expression lacked the usual warmth. Stress etched her face, and he suspected the bruises on Cooper had heightened her concern about his leukemia. He’d learned that was a sign.
Seeing Cooper asleep, he didn’t speak, but she whispered she would bring out the tea. He gave the sleeping boy another look and then tiptoed to the balcony.
When Lexie stepped out, he turned from the railing.
She set the cups on the table and joined him. “Another lovely sunset.”
“It is.” The sky captured his attention for a moment until concern pulled him away. “I’m surprised Cooper’s already asleep. I thought he’d be wound up from all the excitement.”
“He was tired. The day wore me out, too.”
He spotted the worry in her eyes and hoped he could lift her spirit. He braced his hands against the railing. “Tomorrow will be our big surprise for Cooper. I’m excited.” He pushed his body away from the railing and wandered to the chairs.
A Dad of His Own Page 14