by Nikki Godwin
I stomp away in the opposite direction of Kale. I shouldn’t lash out at my brother. It’s not his fault that he was eighteen and headed off to college when I was only twelve and trying to grow into my looks. Keiko has always lived in a different world because we’ve always been at different stages in our lives. Now that I’m eighteen and he’s twenty-four, it’s different. We’re sort of on the same playing field, and neither of us knows how to navigate it.
“Lani!” he calls out, rushing up behind me. “I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I know, I know – I’m getting all ‘big brother’ about it – but I don’t want anything to happen to you. Please just promise me that you’ll stay away until this all blows over. Maybe after the trial, after all this is over, you can try to help him out. Just keep your distance until then. Please?”
“Fine,” I say, even though I know it’s a lie. “I’ll hang back…for now.”
Chapter Five – Kale
I retreat to my room immediately after dinner, avoiding conversation with my grandparents because there’s not much to say after a day of picking up other people’s garbage. It’s a routine. Wake up, community service, shower, dinner, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. Today was different, though. In the middle of the chaos was beauty – in the form of Leilani.
I didn’t even realize how much I’d missed her until I saw her today, but then it rushed back over me like a tidal wave. We used to sit outside on that very sand, watching the waves come into shore and swim back out to sea. We’d collect seashells and pathetically attempt to build sandcastles, and then we’d sneak out at night to see if the light of Hina was showing. Childhood stories said she was the goddess of the moon, but it was like our own little language to reference the moon as her light.
Leilani’s eyes would light up, as if they were holding the stars, and upon the first silver glimmer across the ocean, she’d perk up and wait to see if the water rippled or remained a sheet of dark glass. So many times, she swore there was movement, that the Starlight Colony was active and awake. We’d run through the wet shoreline, muddying our feet along the way, until we could see the caverns in the distance.
It’s a tourist attraction now that they’ve found the waterfalls hidden within, but those caves were Leilani’s treasures. She knew without a doubt that mermaids lived there, and if we were super stealthy, we could find them – or at least a trace of them.
Standing on the beach today, I felt like my own siren had come onto shore and was singing a song straight into my soul, luring me away from everyone and everything, pulling me into a world of starlight and moon dust. But as quickly as she appeared, I pushed her away, just like the pirates and sailors who longed for a mermaid’s song but knew better than to listen for more than two seconds.
But I’m not the one at risk this time. I’m not a pirate or a sailor or a lovestruck crewman on a massive ship. I’m the one with the poison of a siren, and she’s the one who needs to escape before my ‘song’ pulls her beneath the waves for all eternity.
When I can’t sleep later in the night, I make sure Nanna and Kapuna are asleep before sneaking out onto the deck for fresh air. I’ve been warned to stay inside because they don’t trust the surf media not to stake out a hiding spot and snap photos of me breathing, but the cabin fever is setting in, even if I’m outside nearly every day picking up trash.
Life would’ve been so different had I not moved to Horn Island. There were times when I missed Hawaii so badly that I would’ve given up knowing Shark and the Hooligans, and then there were moments when I was thankful to have left home and seen more of the world and met the people I met. Only now do I realize how many awesome opportunities I had and just how badly I fucked them up. I lean against the railing and look up at the stars.
If I’d never left, would I still be here in this house? Would my parents live here with Nanna and Kapuna, always wishing for something more? Or would they have bought their own home down the street? Would I have always been an only child? Would I have dated Leilani? What would life be like if everything had been different?
I exhale like I’m breathing into the breezy palm trees, making them sway against the night. And then there’s movement next door. She glances back over the patio chair on her deck, and this time, I can’t run from her.
Chapter Six – Leilani
It’s now or never. I inhale and decide to wave to him first because I don’t want him to run away like a scared little boy. I don’t want a repeat of today at the beach, leaving me feeling all stupid and useless in the sand. When he waves back, I decide to take the chance – against my brother’s wishes. The sand is silent beneath my feet as I walk from my deck to the one behind his grandparents’ house.
“You may want to keep your distance,” he says, keeping his voice low. “You know, so my reputation doesn’t tarnish yours.”
I shake my head but slink down into the dark shadows of the deck’s fence just in case my siblings realize I’m not in bed or even in the house. “I’m not worried about that,” I whisper.
He leans over the railing. “Leilani, I don’t need your charity,” he says. “I made some mistakes, and I have to live with it. I know that. I accept it. I’m not looking to drag anyone down with me.”
I glimpse back at my house before I slither out of the shadows and sit on the step of his family’s deck. I still linger in the darkness around the house, for safety reasons. If my brother knew I was out here, he’d probably make a scene, and if Kale is anything like those Hooligan friends of his in California, he may be quick to throw a punch.
“Did you really do all the things the forums and media said you did?” I ask in a whisper.
Kale eases over toward me, but he doesn’t sit. “I did,” he confesses. “I was involved. I got in over my head. It started out pretty innocent, listening in on conversations, leaving a device in an office, taking a picture of someone. I’m not going to play the victim, though. I’m not the real victim in any of this. I could’ve walked away at any point. I could’ve called the law. I didn’t, though. So I have to own up to it.”
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shattered right now. My heart feels like a zillion pieces of sea glass, crushed under the boot of a pirate who doesn’t understand how much the people on land love the ocean too. He’s taking everything I believed in and smashing it.
“Look, people are going to believe what they want,” Kale says with a shrug. “I just want to move forward. I want to live my life. I want to get back on track, so maybe when this is all over and done, I can move away from here, away from California. Maybe I’ll go to Australia or something. Maybe Europe. Somewhere brand new. I know I don’t have a future here anymore.”
“Not everyone believes all those bad things,” I remind him. “I know better.”
He laughs, and for a second, it makes me smile. He’s the same Kale from a few years ago, laughing and smiling and glowing in the moonlight.
“Lani, don’t do that,” he says. “If you don’t buy into all the gossip, then why are you hiding in the shadows and whispering like you’re scared someone will see you with me?”
“My brother–” I begin but he interrupts.
“Of course,” he says. “Keiko, the great and mighty. Popular with the guys, popular with the girls. Surfer extraordinaire, Keiko DeCosta. How could I forget? Of course, he doesn’t want his baby sister associating with a criminal.”
I push off of the stair and step into the moonlight. “Okay, I get it,” I retort. “Yeah, my brother is popular. Everyone loves Keiko. He’s uptight and a know-it-all and you can’t tell him anything because his word is always the final word. But he’s still my brother.”
“Exactly,” Kale says, his voice icy and cold. “He’s your brother, and he’s far above me, so why not listen to him and stay away?”
“He may be my brother,” I say, “but my brother doesn’t know you, and I do.”
Chapter Seven – Kale
It’s amazing how I can go four years w
ithout seeing the girl next door, but one argument and four days later, I can’t get her out of my head. I’ve replayed it on repeat in my brain, her storming away from the deck the other night. I guzzle the cup of coffee that Kapuna poured me and rinse the cup in the sink afterward. He smiles at me before I head out for another day of beach cleanup.
The roar of the ocean draws my attention toward the waves. I want to surf again, more than anything, but I don’t know how I’ll deal with surfers in the lineup who don’t know me or only know the rumors. They don’t know that I grew up surfing these waves. I learned how to surf here. This is my home too. But knowing everything I’ve done in the surf world. I feel unworthy. As much as I miss the ocean and the feel of a board under my feet, I know I don’t deserve to be out there on the best waves in the world.
A car door slams, and I turn my gaze across the yard. Keiko opens the driver’s side door of his car, but then he hesitates before closing it and walking toward me. His evil eye is even better than that of Vin Brooks in an interrogation room. Fuck my life.
“Kale Nakoa, welcome back,” Keiko says, although I am fully aware he doesn’t mean it. “I’ll get to the point. Stay away from my sister. Don’t drag her into your problems.”
“That wasn’t my intention,” I say for clarification. “I honestly didn’t plan on talking to her or anyone else. I’m biding my time, okay?”
Keiko glances over his shoulder, as if he’s making sure no one else can hear him. “Leilani feels sorry for you. She thinks she can help you because she still sees the fourteen-year-old boy who left here five years ago,” he says, stepping closer. “She doesn’t see who you are now.”
“Fuck you,” I spit out. “You don’t even know who I am now.”
Everything in my veins wants to lunge forward, knock him to the ground, and pound my fist into his face, but I know better. I’m not a wild ass West Coast Hooligan anymore, and beating the hell out of her brother isn’t the way to impress Leilani. I can’t afford to get in trouble again, regardless of the reason. My probation officer won’t care that Keiko approached me and called me out on my crimes. What they care about is how I react.
“It doesn’t matter,” Keiko says. “I don’t need your version of the story. It’s all over the news everywhere I look. I know what you did to Colby Taylor. I saw what happened to that A.J. guy. I’ve followed it from day one, before I even knew you were involved. And for the record, Colby Taylor is rather popular around here, so word to the wise – watch your back.”
I don’t back down or move from my spot in the yard until after he’s back in his car and has driven away. I want to be mad in a volcanic eruption kind of way, but I know he’s right about everything. Leilani deserves better, and Hawaii deserves better. Keiko may be a bit self-righteous because everyone on the island freaking loves him, but he knows what he’s talking about.
And the truth is, I’m nothing but trouble for everyone here.
Chapter Eight – Leilani
When Kale arrives home from community service, I bolt from the chair on our deck and dash across the yard. My brother sent me a strand of lengthy text messages today, apologizing in advance for what he’d said to Kale. Even if he thinks he’s right, Keiko knows he crossed the line. Bringing Colby Taylor’s name into it was probably the worst thing he could’ve done.
“Hey!” I shout out, hoping to keep Kale from going inside. “I’m sorry about my brother. He told me what he said to you. He shouldn’t have.”
“It’s fine,” Kale says. “Seriously, I get it. I was pissed this morning, but I’m over it. I understand why your family doesn’t want you talking to me. I’m not offended. I’ve already told you that. I’m just biding my time until I can get out of here.”
“Is that really what you want?” I ask. “You want out of Hawaii?”
He looks past me, out toward the water that he taught me how to surf in. Then he runs his hand over his hair and motions me toward the deck behind his house. I follow through the sand, uncertain of where this conversation will go, but the fact that he’s even willing to talk to me right now says a lot.
He stretches out on a patio chair. “All I ever wanted was to come home. To be with my friends and family, to surf my waves again, to just be home,” he says. “And now, I don’t belong here either. I blew it in Cali. I’m unwelcome here. I got mixed up with powerful people who ended up having power over me, and I dug my own grave deeper and deeper until they knocked me down in it. I feel like I’m literally six feet under staring up at the world wishing someone would pull me out of this hole, but no one is nearby to help.”
It’s just a flicker of light, but I see it in his eyes, like a blast of sunlight bouncing through the darkness. He’s still in there, buried under the mistakes and regrets.
I sit on the chair next to him. “Do you remember the first time I got on a surfboard? Just to paddle out?” I ask.
He sits up a little bit and nods.
“Do you remember what you told me before we paddled out?” I ask. “We were standing on the shoreline…”
A smile pops onto his face in an instant. “You were wearing a lifejacket. Pink with a butterfly on it? It was bulky as hell,” he says. “And you had orange floaties on your arms… and water shoes? Didn’t your mom make you wear water shoes?”
My mom had a picture of me on the fridge for many, many years smiling on the beach with all of my inflatable lifesaving devices attached to me. It’s an image I can’t escape, even now.
“Yes, that’s exactly the picture I didn’t want you to paint for me,” I say. “But do you remember what you said?”
He nods. “Your armor is weighing you down,” he says. “You were terrified to strip it all away because your mom had you convinced that this was the only way you’d be safe.”
“But I left those floats on the shore and I got on that board,” I remind him. “All of those things you did? All of the bad things that you guilt yourself over? You need to leave those in that grave you dug and let me help you climb out of it.”
He hesitates and then shakes his head. “Leilani, I can’t,” he says. “This isn’t like learning to surf or facing the ocean.”
“Facing your fear,” I correct him. “As long as you stay in that hole, you’re never going to move forward. Not here. Not in Europe or Australia or anywhere. I’m not judging you by what you did. I knew you before, and I want to know you after. But I can’t if you’re six feet under.”
He doesn’t say anything else, which only makes the moment more awkward than before.
“Do you still have your phone?” I ask.
He nods and hands it to me like it’s a foreign object that he hasn’t used in years. I’m sure none of his California friends are in touch with him these days. I key my number in and then call my own phone so I can save his. It’s a Cali area code.
“You should come out with me tonight,” I say. “Just to hang out with me and some friends. Fresh start. I think you could use the oxygen. I’ll text you later and see if you’re up for it?”
He nods. “If Nanna and Kapuna are okay with it,” he says. “They’ve taken on a lot letting me come back here. What they say is the law right now.”
Chapter Nine – Kale
“Don’t stay out too late,” Nanna instructs me as she scrubs a plate in the sink before loading it into the dishwasher. “And you already know to stay out of trouble.”
“I will. I promise,” I tell her.
I reach out to hug her, and she leans into me to avoid touching me with her soapy, wet hands. I was surprised that she and Kapuna were okay with letting me go out for the night with Leilani. Maybe it’s because they know she’s a good influence. They said they wanted me to start rebuilding my life, and hiding away from everyone wasn’t advancing my future. I guess that’s the good thing about grandparents – they’re much more open to letting you have freedom than your own parents are.
When everything went down in California, my mom immediately closed the blinds and hung bla
ck-out curtains to keep anyone from spying on us. Dad wore sunglasses anytime he left the house, and Mom became a recluse, which broke me because she was always such a social person. I hope they’re doing better now that I’m away, but I struggle to believe it. I ruined their name and their reputations. I know how people are. They instantly wonder how my parents raised me, if they could’ve done more to stop me, if they instilled the right values.
My family did everything right. They just didn’t see the level of desperation that I kept at bay. I never wanted anyone in California to know how badly I wanted to be back in Hawaii because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Joke’s on me now.
I text Leilani, and she asks me to meet her outside. I wonder if her brother knows she’s taking me along with her and her friends tonight. Her parents probably wouldn’t approve either. I peek out the window before I dare to step outside, in case her siblings are with her. The last thing I want is to drag Leilani down with my bad reputation.
When the coast looks clear and safe, I hurry outside toward her car. She waits in the driver’s seat, smiling like this is normal, like it’s just old times and not dangerous. I get in, close the door, and keep my face toward the floorboard.
“Ninja moves,” she says. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get in a car that quickly.”
“The circumstances aren’t desirable,” I admit. “I’ve had cameras following me around for the last month or so. First in Cali, now here. Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”
She backs her car out of the driveway immediately. “No turning back,” she says, the moonlight streaking across her skin through the windshield. “You need to get out anyway for something other than community service. Life goes on, you know.”