“It’s amazing,” she says.
“What is?”
“Cowboy cookie and a scoop of vanilla. It’s been your favorite since you were five. I’m surprised it still gets the job done.” She smiles. I can see her eyes watching my face in the pale light. “Did you go to Davis’?” she asks.
I don’t respond.
“Honey, I’m not mad. I’m just asking. I’ve only ever wanted to know was what was going on in your life.”
“Yes,” I say. “I went. He didn’t want to talk to me.”
“I think your dad’s over there right now.”
“What?” I say, shifting. “I need to get over there.”
“It’s nothing like that, love. They’re friends. They have to talk about this if they’re ever going to get through it.”
I stay put, feeling a little bitter. They can talk all they want. It won’t do any good. Davis still won’t want me.
“Do you really love him, honey?”
“I do. I can’t even help it. He’s good to me.”
“That’s good.”
We sit in silence for a second. All I can hear is the crunch of her eating her cookie.
“What are you doing up? You don’t think dad would do something crazy, do you?”
“I think your dad would do anything to protect you, honey. But, I guess…I guess I just don’t know that this is something you need or want protecting from.” My heart clenches. I hear her take a bite. She chews. “In all honesty, your momma just couldn’t sleep. I’m tired as a dog but I can’t unwind.”
“I really wish you would have called and told me you were sick.”
“I know honey. We’re your parents and we worry about you. That’s our job. We do it gladly. I guess we forget that you worry and care about us just the same.”
“I’m sorry for being so distant. I really will call more and stay in touch more.”
She pats my hand. “I know you will, honey.”
Emotion floods my chest and I have to breathe low and slow to steady my breath.
“Oh,” I mutter as I sit my ice cream down on the table. “I’m so miserable.”
“You won’t be for long. Things will work themselves out. Your father and I, we were just so surprised. It was a lot to take in at once. But we love you. You know that, right?”
I nod.
“We want the best for you.”
“I really don’t feel like this is a mistake. Was a mistake.”
“And if it were, it’d be your mistake to make. We are always here to support you.”
I nod.
“Love can be tough,” she says. “Sometimes it’s harder falling out of love than falling in. I don’t know which way you’re headed but we’ll be here for you.”
35
Chapter 35
I leave out the next morning after a hearty breakfast. My mother gives me a quick kiss to send me on my way. I don’t get a chance to say goodbye to my father because he’s in the shower. I roll with that even though I feel slightly guilty.
As I pull on to the expressway, I remind myself to call him and talk to him later today. I don’t want anything to get in the way of my relationship with my parents.
The drive back to Chicago is basically a blur because I’m thinking about all the things I must do now that I’m finally putting this Davis situation behind me for good. I can’t pretend like my heart doesn’t want him, but I can’t make him want me. Especially, if he’s unwilling to even talk to me.
Once I get to Tyson’s place, I park and drop the keys in his mailbox. Then, I take an Uber home to shower, change and check on Theo.
Once I get there, Monique meets me at the entrance of the new location for Basketball Boys Club and I’m impressed. As far as I know the plan is to lease space in the community center for a few years until the first DeMaris Sports Center can be built. I haven’t heard any more details yet.
When I walk into Tyson’s new office, he stands up and holds his hands out as if to say, “look at this.”
“Swanky,” I say. “Very swanky indeed.”
“Right?” he shakes my hand and gestures to a seat. “Let’s talk a minute?”
“Sure.” I drop down into the chair. I ignore the tendrils of anxiety that threaten to crawl my skin.
“How’s your mom?”
“She’s alright. She had a touch of pneumonia but she’s better now.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
“Me, too. Crazy day down there.”
He nods.
“Tyson. I want to just go ahead and get this over with: I owe you an apology.”
“You owe me nothing.”
“But, I do. I feel like there might be some truth in what you said about me not being completely open with you. I just want you to know I wasn’t trying to hide anything. It was stuff that even I was still trying to understand.”
“It’s fine, dude. I did some thinking on it myself. I’m sorry I came at you like that. I was just shocked and honestly, a little hurt, that that you felt you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me a detail like that. But, it’s your story to tell. I shouldn’t have been so presumptuous.”
“That’s just the thing, though, I do love working here because we work side by side. I don’t think you’re backwards or anything like that. Never did. I just had my own issues around stuff. Fake issues. Now, I’m trying to move past all of that.”
“What’s in the past is in the past, my friend,” he says. He looks me in the eye. I can’t help but smile. He’s letting me off the hook for doubting him. There are a lot of homophobic people left in the world but he’s not one of them. And we’ve always been the type to tell each other the truth. I’ve never had reason to think he was lying to me nor a real need to lie to him.
“Thanks, brother,” I say.
The way he smiles, let me know that we just might be okay.
***
“Want to see the new courts?” he asks. He leads me down the hallway. “We lucked out finding a spot in this center. It’s the perfect community, too. Demographics we can serve but it’s also well connected so that kids can get here on the transit.”
We pass through a set of double doors into a real deal basketball court.
“The floor’s so shiny,” I say.
“Everything’s new. They have a maintenance team and everything.” He pauses, looking around, “Except that you won’t,” he adds.
“What?” I ask, trying to read him. “Is this about me quitting? Because, I—”
“Man, we already went over that. It’s in the past. There’s no way you could have quit. I wouldn’t have let you. I would never let you walk out of my life that easy.
I feel something release in my chest and my eyes sting like I’m going to tear up. My impulse is to hug him but with everything that’s happened, I extend my hand.
He shakes it. He pulls me in for a hug. “What is this? You’re gonna treat me like a stranger?”
For a split second, I think the anger in his voice is real but then I see his smile.
“Now,” he says, booking it down the hall, “Let’s talk about your new full-time position. I was thinking Director of Programming might be a good title….”
36
Chapter 36
On my way home, I text Jordan. He’s the other person I need to see today.
Coming back from Fairview, I’d vacillated between telling him off and not telling him off for sending the photos. In a way, he ripped off a band aid for me. Now, everything is out in the open, though not like I hoped. Even my mom agreed he could have taken a different approach.
I decided that whatever I say, I shouldn’t say it by text. I need to see him.
When he sends me a message to meet him at a cafe, I send him back a confirmation. Then, I head over there.
It’s weird to see him after everything we’ve been through and at first, we don’t know whether to shake hands or hug.
“I thought you were gone,” I tell him, taking the spot across from
him at a small round table.
“Priscilla invited me to summer at hers, so I’ll be around at least until fall.”
“Summer. Must be nice to have rich friends,” I chide him.
“It’s nice to have patrons,” he counters.
We laugh. For a moment, it feels normal again between us. At least as normal as it can be now. I don’t want to lose this. Especially as I know that none of this is Jordan’s fault. Just as I can’t help loving his father, he can’t help feeling how he feels about me or me and his father.
“Well, thank you for outing me,” I say, deciding on a light-hearted approach. No use in fostering more bad blood between us. Jordan is my friend, point-blank. That’s the way I want things to be.
He smiles but he looks a little sad. “It wasn’t really my idea at all. It was Priscilla’s. I’m sorry you felt like you were being outed. Cilla just knew you from photos because I talked about you…nonstop.”
I’m shocked. “Priscilla was in on it?”
“She thought she was playing matchmaker. And I know you felt ambushed but that’s kind of how I felt with the whole thing with my dad. I don’t regret that we got to talk, though,” He looks up at me hopefully. “I hope you don’t either.”
For a little while I can’t speak. I know I’m taking the high road but he’s so casual about all of this. It’s like I don’t know him at all. And that Priscilla smiled in my face while orchestrating all of this from behind the scenes. I can’t deal with this.
“What?” Jordan says.
My heart kind of breaks along with my voice. “How could you send those photos to my parents though? I mean, maybe the photos but that letter was terrible.”
“What photos?”
I tell him.
“What? I would never do that! I don’t know anything about that,” he says. “Don’t you know by now that you’re one of the most important people in my life? Why would I do something to hurt you? I’ve been trying to deal with my feelings to make all of this easier for you.”
His voice is low and there’s a note of despondency in it.
“I’m sorry, I—”
“You think it’s easy to see the person you love falling in love with someone else? With your own father? But, I’m still here. Trying. For you. Because I do love you. Whether you’re in love with me or not.”
I’ve made a huge mistake. “I’m so sorry, Jordan.”
“You don’t get it. It isn’t all or nothing with love. You give love. And all I have for you is love. Sure, I would’ve jumped at the chance for something more with you but that isn’t in the cards for us, so I’m willing to be a part of your life where I fit. I swear you make it hard, though.”
I hide my burning face in my hands. My eyes stinging. “I’m so, so sorry.
“I know you are,” he says. “I just don’t want you thinking the worst of me all of the time. I’ll admit it’s weird with you and my dad but I’m getting over that. No matter how you’re in my life, I just want you in my life.”
I feel like utter shit. “You’ll always be my friend. My brother. No matter what. Right?”
He nods.
“Please forgive me,” I say. “You matter so much to me. When you were pulling away, I should have held you close, made you feel more secure. Let you know that I cared.”
His eyes glisten and he swallows hard.
We sit and talk for a little bit, drinking coffee and discussing his summer plans. It’s only when we return to me and start talking about my lack of a roommate that it becomes clear.
“It does sounds like some scorned woman shit,” Jordan says. “I bet she sent them.”
I know immediately that he’s right. And, instead of being angry with Rebecca, I know I need to talk to her. To beg forgiveness and give her closure and to get it for me, too.
37
Chapter 37
Not surprisingly, she’s blocked me on Facebook, but I find her yoga teacher page with her schedule. She’s no longer bouncing around the city giving classes. It looked like she and some friends have opened a studio.
I don’t have the courage to go that same night, but I wake up the next morning and get there right after her first class. The studio is a one room set-up with teachers cycling through during the day. She’s gathering her boombox and mat with her back to the door as I walk in.
Then, she turns and lays eyes on me.
Even with the tranquil setting and the smell of copal incense in the air, her bitterness is as acidic as vinegar. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Rebecca, I owe you an apology.”
She snorts. “I take it you got my little care package?”
“Yes, my parents received it,” I say. “Right after my mother got home from the hospital. Really bad timing. Or good. Depending on your perspective.”
I see her falter a little.
“I’m not trying to play the sympathy card,” I say, moving into the room. She moves back from me like she’s afraid and I halt.
“Rebecca, I’m not here about that. I’m here to apologize. To beg your forgiveness for misleading you even though I swear to you it was never my intention. I still need to own up to it. I was a jerk, stuck in my own worries and lies. And I put my desires ahead of treating you kindly and with the respect you deserved. Even after you’d been so good to me.
“I don’t expect you to absolve me or for us to even end up friends or anything, but I do need to rectify my mistakes. I hurt you. And you didn’t deserve the treatment I gave you. I apologize. I’m trying to live more honestly. You, in your own way, have helped me with that.”
For a minute, she just stands there, looking at me. Then, she nods, takes a deep breath and exits through a side door leaving me alone in the room.
I stand there for a second. It’s about all I could ask for. She was obviously hurting, and I’d caused it. The chance for me to get with Davis happened and I lost my mind. She deserved more consideration that I’d given her. I take the loss and learn from it. I eat the bitter so that I can be prepared for the sweet, be worthy of the sweet.
38
Chapter 38
Before I go to bed, I have one more reconciliation to make. This one, I am kind of chicken about. Because it’s Davis and it all feels so raw. Now that everything’s out in the open, it seems that he and I should be together. We both love each other, so why not? In a way, after that showdown in my dad’s kitchen, I feel like I earned it.
Stupid, right?
But, the truth is: we’re both free agents. All I can ever do is try to lead him to the love that I have for him. But, I cannot do more than that.
And he doesn’t owe me anything, because love is a gift that I give freely and unconditionally. That’s just the truth. I have no choice but to love Davis Clay.
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