by Nikki Ashton
“Morning, Millie. I’m making pancakes,” Bonnie said brightly. “You want some?”
“No, Granola is fine for me, thank you though.” I sat next to Addy and grabbed the cereal.
“How was your date?” Bonnie asked, while she emptied the pancake mix into the sizzling pan. “You have a good time with Brandon?”
“Yes, it was good thanks.” I added milk to my bowl and started to eat.
“That all,” Jesse said, his deep voice rumbling through the kitchen. “Just good?”
“Yep. What about you, how was yours with Angie?” I asked with a sickly sweet smile.
“Weren’t no date, but Angie is Angie.”
My insides knotted and I wanted to reach across the table and punch him.
“Jesse!” Bonnie chastised. “I thought that was over and done with.”
Addy suddenly stopped eating her cereal and looked to her grandma. Bonnie reached over and cupped Addy’s cheek.
“Eat your breakfast, sugar.”
Addy’s gaze moved to Jesse who gave her a short nod and Addy continued eating, but her movements were slow, and her head was down with her long blonde hair shielding her face. I watched her carefully and saw her shoulders shaking and then heard a little sniffle.
“Hey, Addy, what’s wrong?” I asked, putting an arm around her tiny body. “What’s upset you?”
“Nothing,” she sniffled. “I’m okay.”
“Something has, you can tell us.”
Her head came up and her bright blue eyes, so like Jesse’s, looked at her father. Jesse looked at her impassively, ignoring the pleading in her gaze.
“Jesse,” I urged.
Jesse let out a long breath through his nose and leaned forward, placing a hand on Addy’s head.
“Stop crying, Addy, and eat your breakfast.” He pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. “Sorry, Mom, I don’t have time for pancakes.”
As the door banged shut behind him, Addy started to sob.
“I made Daddy cross,” she cried, scrunching her hands into tiny little fists and rubbing her eyes with them. “Daddy will stop coming to see me again, won’t he?”
Bonnie turned off the stove and put the cooking pancakes to one side. “Oh sugar, you didn’t make him cross. You shouldn’t think that.”
“I did, Granma, I did and now he hates me.”
Her sobbing was heart breaking as Bonnie drew Addy into her arms. “Oh, Addy baby, tell me what’s wrong, tell Granma.”
“Daddy loves that lady more than he loves me. He shouted at me when she was there and now he’s friends with her again, he’ll stop coming to see me again.”
My heart totally shattered for the poor child. She truly believed that now that Angie was back in Jesse’s life, he wouldn’t want her anymore. What also hurt was that I had taken part in shattering her by bringing Angie up, just to be spiteful.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered to Bonnie. “I shouldn’t have mentioned her.”
Bonnie shook her head and continued rocking Addy. “He shouldn’t have taken up with her again and he damn well should be here dealing with this.”
I shoved my chair back. “I’ll go and get him.”
“He’ll likely be at the corral, it’s around the back of the bunk house,” Bonnie offered.
I ran all the way but by the time I’d made it to the corral, Jesse was already in the middle, talking softly to the horse while he held a blanket over one arm. I didn’t want to shout and startle the horse, but he needed to get to Addy as soon as possible. I skirted the fence until I was in his eye line and waved. It took a couple of minutes but he eventually saw me, spoke something else in the horse’s ear, and then strode over to me with his hands on his hips.
“What?” he asked as he took his hat off and wiped his brow.
“You need to come back to the house. Addy needs you.”
“I’m busy. She has you or is that not what you are employed for?” He crossed his arms and inclined his head, waiting for an answer.
“It’s you she wants, Jesse. She’s sobbing in your mum’s arms, crying for you.” My chest tightened as Jesse sighed and looked down at the floor. “Please, Jesse, if there was any time to show Addy you love her, it’s now.”
Jesse looked up at the sky and I could see the muscles clench along his jaw line.
“I can’t come runnin’ to the house every time Addy has a cryin’ fit,” he seethed.
“This is not just a crying fit, Jesse!” I practically screeched. “She needs to know that you love her.”
“Keep your damn voice down.” He looked over his shoulder at the horse that was stomping around and kicking up dirt.
“Does your stupid job mean more to you than your daughter?” I asked, my voice lower. “She needs you. You came during the storm, when she needed you, so what’s so different now?”
“Because there is no reason for her being upset now.” He focused his eyes on mine and thrust his hands to his hips. “Now can I get on with my work?”
“You’re a bastard, you know that,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around my middle. “That little girl is so special and you have no damn idea what you’re losing.”
With purpose, Jesse turned and walked quickly back to the middle of the corral and continued to work with the horse.
Jesse
As soon as Millie had disappeared from view, I walked away from Mystery, Wyatt’s horse, let myself out of the corral, and punched the wall of the stable.
What the fuck was I doing? Why could I not show emotion to my own daughter? She was four years of age and needed me, yet I ignored and neglected her, leaving everyone else to provide the love that she deserved.
I slumped to the floor and held my head in my hands, allowing the tears to come. Tears that I hadn’t let go since that day when the Sheriff came to tell us the news. The pain started in my gut, screwed itself into a huge ball, and got bigger and bigger until it was pushing on my chest, suffocating me. Every part of me wanted to scream at the injustice of it all; I had no wife, Addy had no momma, and there was no real reason why. I hadn’t been an evil man; I was a good man, a good husband, and a good father; until that day. That day changed me, it changed my life, and I had no idea how to get it back. The man that I had been. The father that I should still be to Addy. Until that day, she had been my life, my reason to breath; my baby, my Addy. She was special, I’d made her and she would always be mine, yet now I treated her like she was nothing to me. I treated my cattle better at times.
I reached inside my shirt and pulled out the leather cord that Melody’s ring hung from, and looked at it through my tears. I had no idea why I’d even kept it; Melody had stopped wearing it a few weeks before the accident. She said that it made her finger itch, but I had an inkling she was angling for a new, more expensive one. I had carried it around my neck for two years and yet my wife didn’t even want it in the end.
As Mystery whinnied I looked up and saw a feather was floating around her, spooking her. Stupid damn horse, scared by a feather. A feather was soft, and gentle, nothing to be afraid of.
I quickly got to me feet, swiped a hand across my wet face and ran to the house.
Millie
When Jesse came barrelling through the front door, I’d just finished telling Bonnie that he was busy and would try and get over in a little while. Even after him breaking his daughter’s heart – again – I still didn’t want Bonnie to think badly of her son. Why? Because I knew that deep down he was hurting and the way he was treating Addy was simply a product of his own heartache. Garratt was right when he said that Jesse was in love with a ghost, but who was I or anyone else to say that was wrong? They’d obviously had a deep love and bond that not even death could weaken. He was grieving, and unfortunately, he couldn’t see past that grief enough to embrace the fact that he still had Addy. I just hoped he didn’t lose Addy, too, because of it.
“Jesse,” I gasped as he slammed the door.
His eyes were red and dirt was s
treaked across his face. He looked shattered and wrung out like a wet rag; his bullish stance in the corral replaced with stooped shoulders and a hand rubbing against his chest.
Jesse took a deep breath and walked slowly over to Bonnie who was now on the recliner, cuddling Addy to her chest.
“Hey, baby,” he crooned as he knelt beside the chair. “You wanna tell Daddy what the problem is?"
I chewed on my thumb nail and waited nervously, hoping with everything I had inside me that Addy responded to him reaching out to her.
Slowly Addy lifted her eyes and looked at him, her head still against Bonnie’s chest. Jesse stretched out a hand and gently pulled Addy’s thumb from her mouth.
“Can’t speak to me with that in your mouth now, can you?”
Addy shook her head.
“Okay, so what’s the problem? There isn’t anything we can’t sort out, baby.”
Addy took in a shuddering breath and sat up. “Are you going to stop coming to see me now your friends with the lady again?”
Jesse swallowed and looked down at the floor before turning his gaze back to Addy. “No, I’m not gonna stop coming to see you. You’re my little girl, why would I stop?”
Addy sucked on her bottom lip and looked at Bonnie.
“Tell Daddy, sugar,” Bonnie encouraged.
Addy’s lashes fluttered as she took a deep breath. “Because when she was your friend before, you didn’t come and see me. But when Uncle Garratt hit you and you told the lady to go away, you started to come and see me. We had breakfast together and you listened to me read at night. And I miss you when you’re not here.”
As tears rolled down my cheeks, Jesse let out a pained sob and reached for Addy, taking her from his mother’s embrace.
“Addy, my sweet baby, I am so sorry,” he cried, holding her tightly and gently rocking her. “I love you, baby, and I am so sorry.”
“I love you, too, Daddy,” she said in her tiny, sweet little voice.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jesse repeated like a mantra, all the time holding on to Addy for dear life.
I blew out a breath and looked over at Bonnie who was also crying, her arms clutching at her waist as she watched her son love his daughter. I marvelled at the sight and realized that it wasn’t like the night of the storm, when instinct had brought Jesse to Addy’s side. We’d thought that Jesse had changed that night, but that had merely been the foundation for what was happening now. This time he’d come because something had broken through the wall he’d put up around his heart the day his wife died.
As I watched the love break through, I couldn’t breathe and felt trapped in a place I shouldn’t be. This was a private, family moment, so, as Bonnie moved and wrapped her arms around both Jesse and Addy, I silently got up and went to my room.
Once there, I lay on the bed and cried quiet tears of happiness for both Addy and Jesse because I knew that finally they were on the path to getting each other back.
Jesse
“Daddy,” Addy said softly.
“Yes, baby.”
I reached around her and pulled tighter on the reins, steering the horse that Addy and I were riding on down another track in the woods.
“If you really like that lady, I don’t mind.”
“I don’t like that lady, Addy. She won’t be coming around again.”
I leaned forward and kissed the back of her head, breathing in the sweet scent of her baby shampoo. Shampoo that Mom, or Millie, or anybody except me, washed her hair in. Well, that was going to change. Breakfast, bath time, and bedtime were mine from now on, and if I had to employ a foreman to run the ranch so I could do that, then so be it. Eventually I would move back into the house. Maybe I’d get Mom and Dad to swap bedrooms first, or maybe I was just being a pussy about the whole thing.
“I don’t want you to be lonely though, Daddy.” Addy turned her head to look up at me, and gave me the gentlest smile.
“I’m not lonely, I have you.”
“But every daddy needs a mommy,” she said, giving her little shoulders a shrug.
“Well honey, this daddy has an Addy and that’s enough for me.” I tweaked her nose and then kissed her forehead. “Now, eyes front, I don’t want you getting hit in the head by a branch.”
“Okay, Daddy,” she sighed, turning her head back to face the track. “But Daddy?”
“Yes, Addy?” I asked with a huge ass grin.
“I love you.”
I wrapped my arm around her chest and hugged her tightly. “And I love you, too.”
Millie
It had been a couple of days since Jesse’s reconciliation with Addy, and she was absolutely blossoming under the warmth of her father’s love. A huge grin constantly lit up her face, and her infectious giggle became the theme music for the Connor house.
Jesse was also changed, but not totally, it had to be said. When he was with Addy, he was lighter and more relaxed, playing and cuddling with her at any opportunity. It was as if he was trying to take back the lost two years and cram them into the few hours that he spent with her every day. As for his attitude towards me, well that hadn’t changed. He barely spoke to me and when he did, I was lucky to get more than half a dozen words out of him. His family fared a little better with the amount of effort that he put in with them, but he was still a little distant, spending all his time and energy on Addy when he did come to the house.
Unfortunately, my feelings for Jesse hadn’t changed either. I still craved for a glimpse of him every day, and my heart still stumbled through any appearance he made. Allowing himself to care about his daughter again had smoothed out the worry lines on his forehead and cleared a little of the sadness from his eyes and he looked rugged and beautiful, all at the same time.
As I contemplated how I’d get through the next eleven months looking at Jesse but not touching, Addy came running in with an old shoe box.
“Hey, what have you got there?” I asked, watching as she placed it carefully on the kitchen table before climbing up onto a seat.
“It’s my box of hearts,” she exclaimed.
“A box of hearts? What’s that?”
Addy smiled at me and shook her head. “Didn’t your granma make you a box of hearts?” she asked.
“No, she didn’t. She made me a jumper once and the arms were too short.”
Addy looked at me a little perplexed.
“A sweater, she made me a sweater,” I explained.
“Oh, okay.”
She turned back to her box and slowly lifted the lid and placed it on the table. Her mouth dropped open, and with the level of awe on her face as she looked inside the box, you would have expected to see a pot of gold glowing in there.
“Aren’t they pretty?” she gasped.
I leaned closer and looked inside to see lots of hearts of varying sizes. There were paper hearts, fabric hearts, one made from thick twine wrapped around some wire and there was even an eraser made in the shape of a heart. On each one was writing, and as I looked closer, I could see that they were names, written in what I recognized was Bonnie’s writing.
“They have names on them,” I said.
Addy nodded. “Of course, because they are people’s hearts. Look.”
She reached her tiny hand inside and pulled out the twine heart. It was then I noticed that it had a small tag hanging from it. Addy passed it to me and I read the name ‘Miss Cynthia’.
“That’s the one I wanted,” she said as a matter of fact. “Granma is going to take me later to give it to her.”
“Okay,” I said slowly, not really understanding. “So, did you make it as a present for her?”
Addy frowned. “Your granma really didn’t make you a box of hearts, did she?”
“No,” I giggled. “She really did only make me an awful sweater.”
“I’m giving Miss Cynthia her heart because of Tommy Kincaid.” Addy crossed her arms over her chest and inclined her head.
“No, sorry sweetie, I still don’t unders
tand.”
“Tommy Kincaid is sweet on Miss Cynthia. I know because he goes to the diner every day and sits in her section so that she has to serve him. Elizabeth’s mommy told Granma that every time she goes in for coffee, Tommy is making googoo eyes at Miss Cynthia. And Elizabeth’s mommy buys a lot of coffee for the sheriff and the deputies. She answers the telephone at the sheriff’s office,” she explained with an earnest nod.
“So because Tommy Kincaid likes Miss Cynthia, you’re going to give her this heart that you made for her.”
Maybe it was a local tradition, not that I really understood what Addy meant, but she handled the hearts so carefully that they were obviously very precious to her.
“I’m giving it to Miss Cynthia because it’s time for her to give it to Tommy.” She carefully placed the twine heart on the table. “He loves her, so now she needs to give him her heart so that they can live happily ever after.”
As I watched Addy’s little fingers trace the outline of the heart, I felt my nose twitch and tears spring to my eyes. This gorgeous little girl truly had a romanticised view about love; exactly as it should be when you are four years of age. Addy’s ideas that if you kissed you were in love and that to be happy forever you simply gave someone a paper or twine heart, were magical and beautiful. She amazed me more each day and I hoped that Jesse knew what an honour it was to be her father.
“Who else’s heart is in there, sweetie?” I asked, resting a hand on Addy’s head.
“Lots of people.” She grinned up at me before turning back to the box and pointing to a heart. “That’s Mr Duncan from the library; poor Mrs Duncan died and Mr Duncan is lonely. Uncle Brandon.” Addy giggled. “He might give it to you.”
I shook my head and tried not to look too horrified. “I don’t think so, Uncle Brandon and I are just friends.”
Addy shrugged and turned back to the hearts. “Uncle Garratt’s is the eraser. I thought he might give it to a girl at his school called Jemma, but he didn’t,” she gave a sad sigh. “That pretty one, that’s yours; look.”