by Nikki Ashton
Millie
As Jesse finished cleaning up the floor and taking the rubbish outside, I sat on the couch, chewing at my thumbnail, and waited. There was no way I was going to sneak upstairs and pretend I hadn’t just had the best sex of my life; I was going to stay downstairs and face him. Prove to Jesse that I could do the ‘no strings’ sex.
Finally, I heard the door close followed by the soft padding of bare feet on the floor. Jesse appeared from the kitchen and sat down on the recliner.
“You okay?” he asked, sitting forwards and leaning his forearms on his legs.
“Yes, are you?” I lifted my legs, hugging my knees to my chest.
He took a deep breath and clasped his hands together. “We on the same page about what happened?”
Frustration pushed inside my chest. What we did was amazing and I know he thought so too. The way he clung to me when he came, the way he shuddered and strained above me. His orgasm was just as spectacular as mine, yet he was still insisting that it was a one-time thing.
“Yes of course, I said, didn’t I?”
I hated myself for not being brave enough to tell him ‘no, I’m not on the same page, in fact I’m not even in the same book’. What harm would it do to be truthful about how I felt? But, looking at Jesse’s firmly set jaw, I knew what harm it would do. He would go back to ignoring me; at least this way maybe we could be friends.
“That’s good, Millie, it really is. As damn spectacular as it was, I can’t give you anything more than that. I’ve just got room for Addy in here,” he said, patting at his chest. “I can’t fit anything else in, so I’m sorry.”
Jesse fisted one of his hands and clenched the other one around it, as his eyes narrowed waiting for me to speak; watching me expectantly.
“It’s fine, Jesse,” I finally said, as I pushed my feet to the floor. “You told me it would be one time, and I agreed. You don’t need to explain yourself to me.”
“You gotta know, Millie, I think you’re amazing and if…” his voice trailed off.
“Seriously, don’t worry about it. I don’t usually throw myself at men, but you know I’ve kind of had a dry spell.” I stood up and playfully poked him in the shoulder. I needed to lighten the thick atmosphere of sadness in the room.
Jesse smiled up at me, and my resolve almost disappeared in a puff of air. He looked so beautifully sad; his bright blue eyes had lost some of their lustre and the pain and grief he was feeling was palpable.
“Yeah, well I’ve said before, guy’s a dick if you ask me,” he replied with a short laugh.
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “So, would you like some hot chocolate?”
Jesse nodded and relaxed back into the chair. “Thanks, that would be great.”
I gave him my best big girl smile, hoping that I could do this, because I had a feeling Jesse was going to keep pushing his way into my heart, whether he or I wanted him to or not.
The morning after we’d had sex, Jesse and Addy were already eating breakfast when I came downstairs. As I saw them at the table, I couldn’t help but let out a small gasp. I’d disinfected it when I’d cleaned up the night before, but seeing Addy leaning against the table as she ate her Cap’n Crunch made me feel a little guilty.
“Morning,” I said brightly, brushing away the images of me sprawled where Jesse’s hand now rested.
“Hey, Millie,” Addy said around a mouthful of cereal. “Daddy is taking the day off today and is going to paint my room for me. I’m too old for bunnies now.”
I looked at Jesse and raised an eyebrow.
“You’re actually taking a day off?” I asked incredulously as I sat down opposite Addy.
Jesse shrugged. “No biggy.”
I begged to differ, but reached for the Granola instead and filled my bowl. I had one hell of an appetite after the previous night’s sex with Jesse.
“So, Addy, what color are you going to have?” I asked.
Addy put her head on one side and placed a finger on her lip as she considered my question.
“I think I’ll have…let me think…I know,” she squealed. “Pink. I’m going to have pink.”
Jesse and I both burst out laughing. It wasn’t really such a difficult decision when most of her clothes were pink, her Converse sneakers were pink, and her favorite crayon to use when coloring was pink.
“What’s funny?” she asked, frowning.
“Nothing, baby,” Jesse replied, still laughing softly. “Now eat up your cereal and then we can go into town.”
“Okay, Daddy.” She grinned at him and then picked her spoon up and continued eating.
“Can I come with you?” I asked on a whim. “I’d like to make dinner for you both, and so need to go to the supermarket.”
“Well, if it’s a decent grocery store you need, we’ll have to go to Knightingale,” Jesse replied.
“Oh, okay. No problem, I’ll just use whatever your mum has already got.”
“No, it’s not a problem,” Jesse protested. “There’s probably more choice of paint at the hardware store there anyway.”
“More choice of pink?”
Jesse grinned. “Well, maybe I’ll get her to change her mind.”
“No you won’t,” Addy said firmly with her spoon hovering by her mouth. “I’m having pink.”
“Okay, baby. If you insist.” Jesse shook his head and then ruffled Addy’s hair.
“I do.”
We finished our breakfast in relative silence and then all went off to Knightingale.
“So, you and Brandon,” Jesse said as we watched Addy try to decide between six different shades of pink paint. “You said you weren’t a thing.”
“We’re not,” I sighed. “Although he might think we are.”
“You need to be straight with him then, Millie. You shouldn’t mess with his head.” Jesse crossed his arms over his chest and played with a piece of cotton hanging from the sleeve of his t-shirt. “Unless of course you think you might become a thing.”
Jesse turned to look at me, his eyes staring at my face, never once deviating.
“No, I don’t think of him like that.”
God that was only the half of it. I didn’t think of Brandon like that because I did think of Jesse like that; every minute of every day.
“You sure? Because I’m kind of feeling a little guilty here if I’m honest. I didn’t take much time to think about him when we…well, did what we did.” He exhaled and rubbed a hand down his face. “Was too damn caught up in what I wanted to think about what my best friend might feel about it.”
“Well you shouldn’t,” I protested. “We’ve not even kissed and I’m my own woman, so if I want to do what we did, well then, I will. Anyway, why ask me this now?”
“I don’t know, just kind of feel bad for Brandon.” Jesse groaned. “Won’t be the first time I’ve taken a girl from him.”
“Oh dear, were you high school rivals for the same girl?” I giggled despite the look of pure panic on Jesse’s face.
“Kind of, he liked Melody.”
“Oh,” I gasped.
That was not what Brandon had said. He’d told me that they weren’t really friends.
“Yeah, I didn’t know, not until Melody told me after we got married. She said Brandon had asked her out in our last year at Junior High, but she was dating Tommy Kincaid at the time.”
“Miss Cynthia’s Tommy Kincaid?” My eyes widened and I glanced at Addy.
Jesse laughed. “Yeah, that Tommy Kincaid. I guess Addy showed you her box of hearts then, hey?”
“Yes, she did. Wow, this place is small.”
“Yeah, not as small as it was a few years back, before the housing development was built. They figured building new affordable houses might get the younger folks to stick around, instead of moving off to Knightingale, or further.”
“Did Brandon never tell you that he’d asked her out?” I asked, not really interested in the infrastructure of Bridge Vale at that moment.
Jesse shook
his head. “Nope, he’s never mentioned it. So, you can kind of see why I’m feeling a little guilty over here.”
I sighed and nodded. “Kind of, but I swear there is nothing going on between Brandon and me. Has he ever been married?”
“He got engaged about three years back, Alesha Monroe, sweet little brunette who worked at the department store.”
“What happened?” I asked, quickly checking that Addy was still being enthralled by pink paint.
Jesse shrugged. “No idea, he won’t talk about it. Two years ago, she just up and left one day and went to live in San Francisco. They’d been in Rowdy’s the night before, and they seemed happy, according to everyone that was in there, but the next day he was madder than I’ve ever seen him. Said that Alesha had gone and wasn’t coming back. Her mom told my mom that she’s married now with a baby boy.”
“What? She just left her family and has never been back since?”
“That’s about the sum of it. There was only her and her momma, and a step-dad that she hated, so maybe it wasn’t such a big thing for her. Her mom visits her a couple of times a year, but Alesha never comes back here. Brandon’s brother, Wade, told me that Brandon found out that she’d applied for a job there and when he asked her about it she said she’d already made plans to move, whether Brandon went or not.”
“Brandon didn’t want to go?”
“Seems that way. Although, if he’d asked me, I’d have told him to get on the first plane out.”
“But you love it here.”
Jesse gave me a sweet smile. “Yeah I do, this place is everything to me and our land is everything to me. Brandon though, he has nothing to stay for. He helps his mom and dad run their guest ranch, which he hates, and he helps me out when I need him, which I’m also sure he hates.”
I looked puzzled, wondering why Brandon would hate working for Jesse. “Why, you seem a fair boss to me?”
“Would you want your best buddy telling you what to do day in and day out? I wouldn’t.”
“Yes, well, maybe you’re just a control freak,” I laughed. “Ooh, looks like we have a winner.”
We both turned to watch Addy as she tried to drag a tin of paint over to Jesse.
“I picked one, Daddy.”
“You did? And what color might it be?” Jesse asked, rescuing the tin from her. “Ah okay, yep, it’s Passion Pink. Not sure what Passion Pink is supposed to be baby, but if that’s what you want.”
“It is,” she sighed. “But I’m so tired, it was a real difficult decision.”
I bent down and picked Addy up, hitching her on my hip. “Let me help you out there miss,” I said as I tickled under her chin. “When we get back, after lunch you can have a little nap while Daddy starts your room and I prepare everything for dinner. Then this afternoon we can go on a nature walk. How does that sound?”
Addy nodded her head and smiled. “Good,” she replied.
As I turned towards Jesse, I noticed that he was watching us. His eyes were sad again and the thought that he was probably wishing that I was Melody made me sad, too.
Jesse
As I picked up the scraps of the bunny frieze that had been on Addy’s wall, memories flooded back of the day that I’d put it up. Melody had been too occupied with her pregnancy to think about decorating the baby’s room before she was born, so when she went shopping in Knightingale one day, I took Addy into town, pushed her stroller around the hardware store, and showed her every damn frieze they had. Obviously at just six weeks old she had no idea, but when I showed her the bunnies her little legs kicked a little faster – so bunnies it was.
God, what a happy time that had been. We had our whole lives to look forward to, a new baby, and the ranch was doing well. The only problem on the horizon was Mom complaining about Melody all the time. ‘Melody wasn’t taking any interest in Addy, Melody spent too much money, Melody spent too much time away from the ranch, and Melody barely spoke to anyone anymore’. It had been real hard being caught between the two of them, and while Mom was right, she also needed to see that Melody was only twenty-one-years-old; she should have been at college not stuck home being a wife and mother. Mom didn’t give her any leeway for that and she should’ve.
While I worked on Addy’s bedroom, she and Millie spent their afternoon on a nature trail. They came back with flowers for Addy to press and frame and then put up on her new pink wall. There was also a tub full of blackberries in her hand, although by the color of Addy’s shirt and mouth I guess she’d already eaten more than had gone into the tub. According to Addy, Millie was going to teach her how to make something called Eaton Mess – what the hell that was I had no idea, but Addy seemed excited about it.
It was good that she had Millie around to do things with her. Mom was so busy cooking and cleaning for the bunk house and I’d been so far up my own ass I could use my tonsils as a punch bag, that Addy had been entertaining herself for a lot of the time. No four year old should be lonely, but I could see now that Addy had been. If Melody hadn’t passed, we would probably have given her a brother or sister by now, although after Addy, Melody wasn’t so keen on adding to our family. Now I guess we’ll never know what we would’ve done.
“Daddy!”
I shake my head and laugh quietly to myself as I hear Addy shouting up the stairs. That child just does not have a volume control when she wants something. Fuck, how the hell did I let myself disconnect with her for the last two years?
“What, Addy?” I called from the bedroom doorway.
“Millie made dinner, she said you have to come now before you starve to death. She said that the painting will still be there after dinner.” Finally, she took a breath. “And she said wash your hands.”
“Okay, I’ll be down in two minutes.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
I looked around the room and was pleased with the result. Two walls were ‘Passion Pink’ and two walls were white, at the window was a new pink and white chequered blind, and on the bed a matching comforter that Millie had insisted on buying, along with some pink and white feather throw cushions. It was a lot more grown up than the bunnies that was for sure, and would now last her until she became a teenager at least. But that, I didn’t want to think about, I’d missed enough time with her as it was.
After washing up I went down the stairs and watched as Addy and Millie giggled together as they set the dishes on the table. I don’t know what Millie had said, but it had obviously amused my daughter. I’d never seen her so happy, well not for a long time anyway, and I guess that was on me.
With a heavy heart full of regret, I moved towards them, plastered on a smile, and enjoyed watching the happiness shine from Addy’s face.
Millie
“But, Millie, these aren’t chips,” Addy proclaimed, holding what she called a ‘French Fry’ up in the air on the end of her fork. She was staring at it perplexed.
I’d made an English meal of sausage and chips. I’d managed to get some English Sausage from a deli in Knightingale, along with some potatoes that I was able to make into thick cut, English style chips. All this was to be followed by Eaton Mess, a mixture of meringue, fruit, cream, and raspberry sauce, as made by Addy.
“That’s what we call chips,” I said with a laugh. “What you call chips we call crisps.”
Addy looked at Jesse and shook her head. “The English are silly,” she grumbled.
“You think?” Jesse asked with a smirk as he tucked into his food.
“Yep. Millie, tell Daddy what your biscuits are like.”
Jesse and I laughed at Addy’s pouty little face while she tackled the sausage that she had refused to let me cut up.
“So, go on,” Jesse urged. “Tell me about your biscuits.”
“Well, they’re not dumplings that’s for sure.”
“What’s a dumpberling?” Addy asked, still concentrating on her food.
“A dumpling,” I corrected, “are what you call biscuits. Our biscuits are sweet and you call them cookies
.”
Addy dropped her knife and fork and lifted her hands palms up, frowned, and shrugged. “See, Daddy, real silly.”
Jesse and I burst out laughing which only made Addy frown even harder.
“Oh, Addy,” I sighed. “You are funny.”
“I’m not funny, you’re funny.” She shook her head and started to giggle. “Your biscuits are like cookies, that’s just weird.”
Jesse reached out a hand and stroked it down Addy’s long blonde hair as she went back to her food, still giggling.
“You okay?” I asked him.
Jesse’s eyes were bright and shining as he looked at me and nodded.
“Yeah, just wish I’d seen her be this happy more often.”
“You were dealing with your own grief,” I said. “The main thing is you’re here for her now.”
“It’s not just that,” he said, glancing at Addy again. “It’s you. You’ve made her happy. When she was smaller, we just thought she was going to be a quiet kid, you know. When we realized how bright she was, I told Melody that maybe she needed to interact with her more, but it was hard trying not to talk baby talk to a toddler.”
“She never laughed or smiled?” I found it hard to believe, Addy had been nothing but a happy child since I’d arrived here.
“Yeah, but usually at bath time. Bath time was always a lot of fun,” he said, the memories making him grin widely.
I smiled, thinking back to the night before when I’d heard them in the bathroom, laughing and having fun.
Jesse sighed. “Melody just couldn’t get her to do much more than watch TV or draw. Although,” he said in a whisper, leaning closer to me, “her drawings were more a scribble, she may be bright but she ain’t no artist.”
We both laughed quietly as our gazes simultaneously turned to Addy.
“Did you do bath time?” I asked, knowing what the answer would be.
“Yeah, that was my time with her. Bath time and bed time story.”
I nodded. Happy times were with Daddy because she’d always adored him.