by Nikki Ashton
Then, at lunch time, I was given the opportunity to find out. I had just set out Addy’s lunch on the table, when the door burst open and Jesse stomped in.
“Mom!” he shouted, ignoring Auntie Ruby who was dozing in the recliner. “Mom!”
“She’s not here,” I ground out through clenched teeth.
“Hey, Daddy,” Addy said, offering him her lips.
Jesse bent down and kissed her. “Hey, baby. Where’s your granma?”
Addy shrugged. “Don’t know.”
Jesse gave an exasperated sigh and stalked over to the refrigerator and took out a jug of lemonade and filled a glass.
“I know where Bonnie is,” I said.
Jesse continued to look out of the window. “Where?”
I moved up beside him, took the jug of lemonade from where he’d left it and put it back where he’d got it from.
“Well, if you had the manners to look at me, I might tell you,” I replied quietly so that Addy couldn’t hear.
“Just tell me. I’m not in the mood for your games, Millie.”
“Oh go fuck yourself, Jesse,” I hissed. “Hey, Addy sweetie, make sure you eat all your sandwich.”
“Okay, Millie,” Addy sing-songed as she took a huge bite of her sandwich.
I started to run some water into the sink to wash Auntie Ruby’s lunch plate, and some other dishes. Squeezing in some detergent, my back stiffened as Jesse stood behind me.
“I think you’ll find it was you I fucked, Millie.”
He took hold of my elbow and slowly turned me to face him. He then reached around me and turned off the water, allowing his fingers to touch my forearm as he pulled his hand back. My traitorous body let me down as my skin goose bumped and my breathing hitched. Jesse lifted a hand and picked something off my shoulder. I tried to take a step backwards, but my back was already against the sink.
“Okay, Millie,” he said quietly. “Where is my mom?”
My eyes narrowed on him and I really wanted to slap his stupidly handsome face. There was dust on his cheek bones, his hair was mussed up and his shirt sleeves were rolled up to display his tanned forearms. How dare he stand here with his damn arm-porn?
I took a deep breath and pushed my shoulders back. “She’s gone to Knightingale with Garratt. He’s heard that the bank are recruiting for their management program that starts in October.”
Jesse looked at me quizzically. “And Garratt went willingly?”
“It was his idea.” I knew that Garratt only wanted a job to help get the capital for his dating website idea, but I wasn’t sure Jesse did.
“Thought he wanted to start up some damn website?”
There was my answer.
“He does but needs money to do it.”
I moved to turn back to the dishes in the sink, but Jesse put a hand on my shoulder.
“Does Mom know what he’s up to?” he asked.
“Contrary to what you believe, Jesse, I don’t tell your mother everything. Now if you don’t mind, I have things to do.”
He leaned around me and looked in the sink. “Yep, I can see you’ve got important business to attend to.”
I didn’t say anything, but curled my lip and turned away from him, giving a little huff.
“Did you just sigh at me?” he whispered in my ear.
My heart stuttered as I turned my head to look at him.
“Go away,” I whispered. “Your presence offends me.”
Jesse opened his mouth to say something, closed it again, shook his head, and burst out laughing.
“Fuck me,” he muttered and walked away, giving Addy another kiss as he passed her.
Well, at least when I left here at the end of my year I could say I’d actually made Jesse Connor laugh – miracles would never cease.
Jesse
As I started to walk out of the house, after my little spat with Millie, a hand came up and grabbed my arm; Auntie Ruby.
“You been upsetting that girl, Jesse?” she whispered, her dark brown eyes surveying me carefully.
“Now what gives you that idea, Auntie Ruby?” I gave her my sweetest smile, not wanting to get into the shit that Millie and I had going on.
“I’m old Jesse, but I ain’t blind. Now I know your momma and daddy did not raise you to lie to old ladies, so spill it cowboy.”
“I’m not lying, there’s nothing to tell,” I said in a low voice, glancing towards the kitchen where Millie was chatting to Addy.
Her lips thinned and she gave me the stink eye. “That little incident at the sink wasn’t nothing.”
My mouth gaped open as I stared at my wizened, old, great aunt. “Were you spying on us? I thought you were asleep.”
She cackled out a laugh. “When you sleep in the wilderness, always do it with one eye open, my daddy used to say.”
“But you’re not in the wilderness.” I shook my head and laughed.
“So you say, now tell me what’s going on between you and the Spanish beauty. Have you had your way with her and now want something new?”
I sighed and rubbed at my tired eyes. “It’s not like that, Auntie Ruby. It’s complicated.”
“Let me guess, you still hankering after that flighty piece you were married to?”
“Auntie Ruby.” I growled a warning at her. “Don’t speak about Melody that way.”
“Why? She was flighty. I liked her well enough, but she’s gone Jesse and she ain’t coming back, and if you were honest with yourself, you know she wasn’t the best wife in the world.”
I lifted my hand to stop her. I didn’t need to hear this.
“Nope,” she growled quietly. “You listen to me. When my Samuel died, I spent years grieving for him, and where did it get me?”
“You…”
“It got me nowhere,” she interrupted me. “Nowhere, except lonely and childless. I was twenty-seven years of age and was young enough and pretty enough to marry again. I could have had a family around me now; children and grandchildren. As it is, your poor momma has to drop everything and come and take care of me.”
“She loves you, Auntie Ruby, she wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“Not the point. I hankered after a dead man, when I could have been having a good time with a living one. Now, I know you ain’t stopped putting yourself about, your momma told me about the women, but those women aren’t the sort to look after you when you’re old and decrepit. Yes, you’ll have Addy, but who’ll keep you warm at night when those damn good looks of yours start going?”
“Hey, who says I’ll lose them?” I asked with a smile.
“Maybe you won’t, but those memories of Melody will fade and one day you’ll wake up and wish that you’d taken off those rose colored spectacles when you had a chance.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She was old and she should be respected for that, but I wouldn’t have her muddying Melody’s memory.
“Listen, Auntie Ruby, I hear what you’re saying about me being alone, but please don’t speak about Melody as though she was nothing.”
“Not what I said. She was something, she was your wife and Addy’s momma, but she weren’t the be all and end all that you seem to think.” She pushed the button on the recliner, so that she was fully sitting up. “Could be wrong, Jesse, but something tells me that young woman in there actually could be your be all and end all. You’ve just gotta get your head from up your ass and stop thinking with your dick.”
I had no idea what to say to her, so shook my head and made to leave.
“Hey,” she hissed.”
“What, Auntie Ruby?” I asked on a sigh.
“You hear what I’m saying, cowboy?”
She started to laugh and I couldn’t help but join in. You could never be mad at her for long.
“Yeah, Ruby. I hear you.”
“Good, cos those babies you’d have would be damn beautiful.”
I looked over at Millie again and realized that Ruby was right, she’d make some beautiful ba
bies. Trouble was, whether I wanted to be the father of those babies or not, I was pretty sure I’d burned my bridges where Millie was concerned.
Millie
It had been a couple of days since Jesse and I had argued outside the barn, and now that my anger has subsided, I felt deeply hurt by his words. I still couldn’t fathom how he could be so lovely and tender one minute, and then an absolute prick the next. I’d never once intimated that I wanted to take Melody’s place. Okay, maybe I’d been obvious about my feelings for him, and who wouldn’t love Addy? But I’d never tried to take the place of the wife or mother that they both loved; I’d never do that.
“You fancy coming into town with me?” Bonnie asked me. “I need to go and get a few supplies and Addy needs some new clothes. She’s shot up so much in the last couple of months.”
I looked out to the garden where Addy was helping Ted make a bug house, something that we’d read about in a book from the library. Needless to say, between Addy’s high expectations and Ted’s desire to give his granddaughter anything she wanted, the bug house was fast becoming an apartment block.
“Come on, honey,” Bonnie urged. “Those two will be occupied until sun down with that little project, and Ruby is having a nap and it would take an earthquake to wake her.”
I laughed and nodded. “Okay, I’ll just go and grab my bag.”
When I got outside, Bonnie was already waiting in Ted’s truck for me. The engine was running and the windows were up, so I guessed she had the AC running at full blast. It was a warm and muggy day, but I was getting more used to it. I was skipping down the porch steps to her when Jesse appeared at the bottom.
My heart jumped a beat and took my breath with it. His face was impassive as he lifted his hat off and wiped his forehead with his forearm.
“Hey,” he said, putting one foot on the bottom step. “You headed out?”
“Yes. Town with your mum.”
Swallowing back the tears that were threatening, I continued down the steps, determined that I would not look at him and let my face betray the fact that he was affecting me. I didn’t even feel this used when Dean dumped me, probably because we’d never had a physical relationship. God, I was so stupid. How did I not realize that something was wrong with Dean? And, more importantly, how did I let myself fall for Jesse, when all along I knew that he would never feel the same way about me?
“Millie,” he said in a low tone as I was about to pass him. “I’m sorry.”
My eyes lifted to reach Jesse’s and saw that his were soft and pleading. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed.
“I didn’t mean anything that I said, I was just mad is all.”
“You said it Jesse, so it must have been in your mind somewhere.”
I dropped my gaze; I just couldn’t look at him any longer. His perfect face and shining blue eyes hurt my heart.
“Please, Millie.”
His hand dropped from his neck and reached out to mine that was hanging limply at my side. His fingertips brushed mine before I jerked my hand away; I couldn’t let him touch me, this was hard enough as it was.
“It’s fine,” I sighed. “I accept your apology. I have to go, your mum is waiting.”
“Can we talk later?” he asked. “We’re getting the calves in that need castrating, but we’ll be finished around five. Maybe we can go for a ride before dinner, say five -thirty?”
My head shot up and I stared at him wide eyed. I had never met anyone whose mood changed so quickly.
“I don’t understand,” I replied. “You made it clear that I was just a ‘great fuck’ and now you want to talk and go for a ride? I don’t think so, Jesse.”
Taking a deep breath, I made to move past him, but his hand came out and snagged my elbow.
“Please, Millie. I feel like a big enough douche as it is. Just give me a chance to explain.”
Staring at him, I watched as his jaw tightened and his breathing got heavier.
“Please.”
I nodded and then walked away to the truck.
“Everything okay?” Bonnie asked as I clipped my seat belt into place.
Not daring myself to speak, I just nodded.
“You know, honey, it’s been hard for him, getting used to being without Melody.”
“He seems to do okay,” I snapped.
My head turned to Bonnie, who was looking out of the windshield towards Jesse who was sitting on the bottom step, his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry, Bonnie,” I whispered, my eyes now on Jesse. “He said some things that hurt me and I…”
I trailed off, not sure how to tell her that I was in love with her son and he was breaking my heart because he couldn’t feel the same way. Yes, I was in love with him. His gentleness, his black moods, his heartache, his everything. I couldn’t help it.
“Looks to me like he’s sorry for those words,” Bonnie said, laying a comforting hand on my knee. “Was that he was doing then; apologizing?”
“Yes,” I sighed. “He wants to go for a ride and talk, after he’s brought the calves in, whatever that means.”
Bonnie tinkled a laugh as she put the truck into drive. “We like to manage their pain and discomfort as much as possible when we castrate them, so we bring them and their momma’s in for a couple of days beforehand, and after. It helps to keep them calm. Jesse made that change,” she said proudly.
She didn’t have to try and prove to me that her boy wasn’t all bad. I knew he wasn’t. He couldn’t help the fact that he didn’t have feelings for me beyond those of sexual attraction
“So,” Bonnie continued. “You going for that ride?”
I chewed on my bottom lip and thought about it.
“If I do, I’ll just make things worse for myself.”
“How so, honey?”
I took in a deep breath, and watched her profile as she concentrated on maneuvering down the dirt track to the road. When I didn’t answer, Bonnie glanced at me and gave me an encouraging smile.
“Because, if he apologizes and we become friends again, I’ll be forever waiting and hoping that it moves on to the next level.”
I blew out a breath and pinched the bridge of my nose. Why on earth did he have to be so damn desirable?
“Maybe I should just go home,” I cried out. “I’ll soon get over him if I don’t see him.”
My nose tickled, warning me that tears were on the way, so I held my breath, willing them not to come.
“Don’t you dare go home!” Bonnie barked. “How do you propose to ever snap him out of his damn Melody funk if you’re on the other side of the world?”
My head shot around to face her. Bonnie’s impish features were determinedly tight as she looked at me, before putting her eyes back on the road.
“But you said you couldn’t see him ever getting over her,” I gasped.
“Yes well, maybe I changed my mind. I’ve seen how he looks at you. Saw that same look in his eye when he first started dating Melody.”
My heart clattered against my breast bone like a bell hammer. Bonnie must be mistaken. Jesse had told me himself that he didn’t think of me like that and never would.
“Seriously, Bonnie,” I stammered. “He really doesn’t. I promise you.”
“Fiddle,” she said, waving a hand at me. “What that boy says and what he actually means are two totally different things. You forget I know him better than he knows himself. I was the one that brought that stubborn ass into this world. Almost two days it took me, because he couldn’t make his damn mind up whether he wanted to come out our not.”
“Two days!” I gasped. “Oh my God.”
“I know, honey,” she sighed. “You don’t need to tell me. The point I’m making is, he’s stubborn, but he’s also a deep thinker. He’ll have thought a lot about you and him and the consequences of it, and he’ll do what he thinks is right; doesn’t mean it is though. He’ll think it’s right that you just have a relationship based on sex…I’m guessing that your visit to the
barn wasn’t exactly to get some photographs from a box.”
“H-how did you know?” I groaned, my humiliation complete.
Bonnie giggled. “Ted told me where’d you’d gone when he came up to bed. When I went to check on Addy, I looked through the window and there was no light coming from the barn, so I kinda guessed.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Millie,” she laughed. “You’re both young, you’re single, and I’ve told you as long as it doesn’t affect Addy then I’m happy about it, but you have to be prepared for the heartache that goes with him.”
“Because he’s not ready,” I said on an exhale.
“No, because he thinks he’s not ready. That’s different. Like I said, he’s doing what he thinks is right, but he’ll realize in the end. Just be patient, don’t push him, and listen to what he has to say.”
“So, go for a ride with him then?”
“That’s about it, honey, yep.”
As we drove down the long, straight road into town, we fell into a comfortable silence, giving me time to think about Jesse. I would do what Bonnie said, I’d listen to him, but I wasn’t sure I could risk my heart anymore
Jesse
In all my life, I had never been so frustrated bringing calves inside. I wanted to be finished in time to wash up before I met up with Millie, but the damn cattle had other ideas. Two of the little bastards had gone walkabout with their mothers, and when we finally found them at the perimeter of our land, they decided they wanted a game of Catch Me If You Can. Finally, they were all in the stalls, with fresh hay and being fed. Little shits had no idea that in a couple of days they’d be missing their balls.
“I’m going to leave you to it, Garr,” I shouted to my brother who was fastening the last pen.
Garratt nodded and raised a hand. “Enjoy your ride,” he called with a smirk on his face.
I’d told him that I was taking Millie for a ride to talk. He’d wanted to know what we’d needed to talk about, so I’d told him everything while we sat and ate our lunch over by the old lightning tree. We’d called it that since we were kids because one of the branches had broken off at an angle. Our grandpa told us it was because it had been hit by lightning years before, but Dad said it was just rotten. The rotten tree just didn’t have the same ring to it.