His travel restrictions also meant we couldn’t meet in town weekly like we had been doing, but I still went on our allotted day just in case. On the days Calvin couldn’t come, I usually found Ben and spent the afternoon with him. We became good friends although the sight of him didn’t make butterflies in my stomach like Calvin did.
We spent most of the time hanging out in the ‘secret laboratory’ of the old Victorian house he shared with the three guys, who were engineering students and obviously extremely intelligent. At first they were reluctant to let me in on what they were doing, but when I told them about some of my inventions, they thought I might be able to contribute to their projects, which consisted of inventing and making things to help people survive. They made home defense systems, alternative powered appliances, and things that didn’t need power but would be helpful to people.
Ben wasn’t a genius like Calvin and the engineering students, but he was eager to learn and he took good notes for them. I enjoyed the camaraderie as much as the intellectual challenges. Matt was funny, and he and Doug were always throwing mock insults at each other. Dakota was more quiet and nurturing, somehow “mothering” all of us, making sure we had eaten and were drinking enough water. The three guys had beards, as did most of the men now, and Dakota was big and burly. It was amusing to see him hovering over us like a mother hen protecting her chicks. They made me feel like one of them instead of the only girl and just a teenager. I was comfortable there, feeling like these were ‘my peeps’ as the popular kids used to say in school.
Since it was summer, I was able to stay in town longer than in the winter since it stayed light until almost 9:30. I made it a point to check in on Mom on my way home from town each week, even though the odor of the diminishing herd of hogs made me gag. The strain of living was weighing heavily on her, and she looked more frail each time I saw her. I didn’t think she was going to last much longer, but there was nothing I could do. I tried giving her herbs to boost her immunity and flush toxins from her body, but she’d push them away, saying, “It’s no use, sweetie, I’m tired of living.” I’d beg her to try to keep going, even resorting to tears at times, something I rarely did, but she’d just smile wanly, shake her head, and turn away, preferring to sleep what was left of her life away.
I couldn’t avoid seeing Dad while I was there, but it was like he had become someone else. His eyes were constantly darting back and forth like he was seeing things all around him, and his lips were pressed together like he was afraid something might possess him through his mouth. Or maybe he was afraid to say something he’d regret either to me or to the unknown demons haunting him. In any case, he barely recognized that I was present and never answered when I asked him how he was.
I was always glad to leave, making sure I went back out to the highway and around to the gravel road instead of cutting through the woods like I used to. Spook would always be there waiting for me, and we would stand and listen for a time to make sure Dad hadn’t followed me before heading down the gravel road.
As much as I enjoyed spending the afternoon in town, whether it was with Ben and the guys or Calvin, going home was always bittersweet because of the stopover at the hog farm.
Chapter 30
Harvest of Souls
In the fall as Fern and I began to harvest and process our summer bounty, I couldn’t go to town for several weeks. I was surprised to find that I physically ached to see Calvin again but looked forward to seeing him after the harvest when he and his parents would come to help set us up for the winter. I was eager to show them all my inventions to help make us more self-sufficient although I didn’t want them to think they didn’t need to come anymore.
Fern and I had built a new large solar dehydrator and we were able to dehydrate three times as much meat, vegetables, and fruits as before, significantly cutting down on the amount we would need to can since our supply of new Mason jar lids to make a safe seal on the jars was getting low. Stored properly, dehydrated food will last six to twelve months without the threat of botulism or other food poisoning.
One day while I was outside preparing some vegetables for dehydrating and others for storing in the root cellar, Spook suddenly stood erect and started growling menacingly at the woods to the east, the direction of the hog farm. I instantly and instinctively knew that Dad had found me. Fern was in the root cellar and the gun was in the house. At a loss of what to do, I decided to try to talk to him.
“Dad, is that you?” I said. No reply, only a movement in the leaves. “Dad?” I said again, this time louder. I saw his haunted face among the leaves. “Come on out and talk to me.” I forced my voice to sound calmer and more confident than I was feeling inside.
Finally he emerged, and Spook moved in front of me, still growling softly. “Hi Dad,” I said. “How are you doing? How’s Mom?”
He stopped and snorted with contempt. “Like you care,” he growled, his wild eyes darting here and there, everywhere except at Spook and me.
“What do you mean?”
“You haven’t come to see your Mom for weeks. You were the only one she wanted to see in the end.” He spat out the words like a bad taste. My heart froze.
“What do you mean?” I said again, this time in little more than a whisper.
“She’s dead, Ice Queen!” he yelled as he started shaking all over. I didn’t know if it was from anger or sickness or grief, but it was frightening all the same. Spook moved toward him and started growling louder, baring his teeth to add extra warning. Dad didn’t even seem to notice.
I started shaking as well, out of both grief and fear. This time something told me Dad wasn’t lying, that Mom had truly passed and now her soul was free. Fleetingly, I thought of her ghost inhabiting Dad’s vulnerable mind, but whether she would try to help him or haunt him, I couldn’t decide.
All of a sudden Dad’s wildly searching eyes focused on me and stopped, turning hard and evil as he stared into my soul. I almost fainted in fear as I stood frozen under his glare, and Spook prepared to lunge at him if he made any move toward me.
I don’t know how long we stood like that, seconds probably although it seemed like millennia, but the spell was finally broken by Fern as she came around the house, Grammy’s gun in her outstretched hands, pointed at Dad. “I tole you before to stay off my property,” she said in her fake hillbilly accent. “I’d hate to have to shoot you and harvest your soul along with my vegetables.” I was amazed at her fearlessness and confidence as she strode toward Dad, stopping halfway between him and me.
Dad’s eyes unfocused again and quickly went back to the wild darting. He didn’t appear to be the least bit afraid of Fern, or Spook for that matter, but his hallucinations apparently began to close in on him and he put up his arms to shield his face, pressing his lips together and blowing air hard out through his nose. After several moments of flailing to fight off his invisible assailants, during which time both Fern and Spook looked at me questioningly, Dad turned and ran like he was being chased by a swarm of hornets.
It was only after he had disappeared into the woods and we couldn’t hear him crashing through the underbrush, that all the emotions collapsed in on me and I sunk to the ground, shaking and crying. All the sorrow of losing my family, not only to death but also to their glacial descent into mental illness, hit me like an iceberg, and I felt my fragile heart shattering into pieces.
Chapter 31
Missing
It took several days of care and solace from Fern and Spook to repair my heart enough to resume daily life. I hadn’t even felt like talking to Calvin, but Fern used the CB to get ahold of him and tell him what had happened. I felt bad that I had missed his 16th birthday, but he was much more concerned with my emotional well being than his birthday. Besides, he told me, it’s not like he could get his license and drive a car now.
Calvin’s travel restrictions were still in force and he cautioned me against walking the highway by myself as well, especially now that night fell by 5:00 pm, leavi
ng little time to get to and from town on foot. Nevertheless, on December 17th I felt the need to find Mom’s grave and place a memorial of some sort on it to show her spirit that I was thinking of her. I made a wreath out of some evergreen boughs and set out early in the morning, hoping to get to the hog farm before Dad woke up.
Walking through the woods, I felt a sense of panic that I couldn’t explain. I’d always felt so safe and at home in these woods and even having Spook at my side didn’t calm my fears. Spook felt my tension and kept looking up at me but apparently did not sense any danger. I left him at the side of the highway as usual.
When I got to the farm, I searched all over for some sign of a newly dug grave to no avail. Just as I was about to give up, Dad came around a corner and almost bumped into me. Instead he grabbed my shoulders roughly. He smelled of decay and neglect.
“Libby,” he cried, “where have you been? Why did you leave me? I’ve been looking for you all over!”
“Dad, it’s me, Taylor. I’m not Libby. Let me go!”
A look of confusion crossed his wild eyes, then realization sank in and he let me go. “What are you doing here?” he snorted.
“I wanted to see Mom’s grave and put this on it.” I held the wreath up as evidence of my intentions. “Where is it? I can’t find it anywhere.”
More confusion clouded his bloodshot eyes. “Grave?” he repeated. “Whose grave?”
“Mom’s. You said she died. Where is she?”
As the memories flooded into his consciousness, he deflated like a balloon, dropping his hands from my shoulders and slumping into the figure of an old man. Profound grief flashed across his face, and I suddenly felt sorry for him. “I’m sorry, Dad,” I said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
He looked me straight in the eyes, and for a moment I saw the handsome, confident man he was when Mom fell in love with him. But it vanished just as quickly and in its place left a haggard broken man. He turned and started walking away.
“Wait. Dad! Where is Mom buried?”
He kept walking, shaking his head as he went. “Gone. My Libby’s gone.” His shoulders started shaking, and I realized he was sobbing.
I was shaken up by the encounter and by the mystery of Mom’s missing grave. Memories of Uncle Owen’s missing body and the big black hog pounded in my brain. I had to leave this place but I didn’t want to go home for fear of taking bad spirits with me. So I headed for town, jogging part of the way and walking fast the rest. I made it there in just two and a half hours. On the way, the crisp clean air helped to clear my head a bit so I could figure out what to do next.
Chapter 32
Story
I instinctively went to the house shared by Ben and the guys. Ben was the only one home and he knew immediately that something was wrong. He put his arm across my shoulder and sat next to me on the couch while I told him about Mom. I was hoping someone in town would know something about her whereabouts but if so, the gossip hadn’t reached Ben’s ears yet. As I sniffed, trying to hold back sobs, I realized that Ben was crying silently. He looked away when I saw the tears in his eyes. I knew instinctively he wasn’t crying about my mom.
“Tell me about her,” I said gently.
It took some coaxing but he finally opened up about how he had missed seeing his mom alive by just a few days. He also told me how his dad had died in an apartment fire that burned a large portion of downtown Kansas City. I took his hands and said, “How do you cope with all the sadness, Ben? I don’t even know where to start.”
“Write it down, Tay,” he said, using the nickname the guys had been calling me. When I looked perplexed, he retrieved a notebook from his room upstairs and showed me pages and pages of writing, his story, he said. “You don’t have to let anyone read it. Just writing it lifts the burden on your heart.”
I nodded, thinking about Irv’s journal. While it hadn’t stopped him from ending his miserable life, maybe it had given him some relief in his last few months. I decided I needed to finish reading it to find out if it helped him.
In my mind, I saw Irv and Mom and Dad each holding up signs with words like “I hate life” and “What’s the use” and “I see ghosts” on them like in the music video Fine Again by Seether. Did writing down their problems help them to cope with them? Ben was adamant that it did, so I was determined to try it.
In the early afternoon as I was about to set off for home, a big group of men came into town, some on horseback or driving horse-drawn wagons, some tied together or lying prone and bloody in the back of the wagons. It looked like an after-battle scene out of a Civil War movie. Everyone wanted to know what had happened and when one of the men told us that these men were marauders who had attacked the Powell farm, my heart almost stopped, especially since none of the Powell family was among either the captors or the wounded. The man assured us that the family was okay, that their daughter-in-law had gone into labor and that’s why they weren’t there. I wanted to ask specifically about Calvin, but didn’t want to let our secret out yet, so I hurried home to contact him by CB radio.
I got home as night was falling, and Fern was waiting for me on the porch rocking chair, a heavy blanket around her. As I told her about all that had happened, the eerie glow of another Aurora Borealis signaled yet another large CME had struck the weakened geomagnetic shield surrounding the earth.
I talked long into the night with Calvin by CB while he told me about the marauders attacking their home and about his sister-in-law’s long and painful labor. He was happy to report that all were now fine, including his adorable new nephew, Joey.
After ending our talk, I got out Irv’s journal and read it to the end. It was almost unbearable at times, but by the end the tone seemed to be lighter and more hopeful. He ended his journal with the following sentences: Today I begin a new journey. Where I will go, I’m not sure, but it will not be in this world. This world holds nothing for me. I love my sister and my parents but I don’t love my life.
When I finished, I wiped my tears, took out a new notebook, and began to write my story.
Chapter 33
Reveal
Throughout the winter and the early spring, Calvin and I met every week at the guys’ house in town to help them work on a top-secret project. Being the geeks we all were, we were determined to perfect a system of using Tesla coils to safely generate electricity to charge batteries for use in a wide array of appliances. The key word was ‘safely’ as we already knew how to make Tesla coils.
In May we felt we had perfected a system that was safely contained, and we were ready to reveal it to the people of the town and surrounding farms. We invited them to bring dead batteries of all kinds, from AAA to tractor batteries, for us to charge so that they could be used to power appliances that had not been tied to the power grid on either PF Day or PF Day 2.
The coils were built in an underground storm shelter with a thick rubber door to keep the electricity contained. We loaded the shelter with several batteries at a time, then got out, closed the door, and turned on the small battery generator that kick started the Tesla coils. After letting the batteries charge for a while, we turned off the coils and waited for the static electricity to be absorbed by the earthen walls before entering to remove the now charged batteries. Everyone was amazed at our ingenuity and we attained instant albeit short-lived celebrity status.
Calvin had invited his family to see what he had been working on in town, but he also had planned a surprise for them. That surprise had to do with me. Calvin’s brother, Bracken, and his girlfriend Skylar had just gotten married and Calvin felt it was the perfect time to finally reveal our budding relationship to his family. I was understandably nervous. It’s one thing to be offered a home with a family, but quite another to take their son too. Well, I didn’t know if I was going to be taking him or not, but I did know that I still felt butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him. We had even begun holding hands and kissing occasionally when no one was looking.
A
fter the Tesla demonstration, Calvin led his family and me to the patio of the guys’ house and made sure we were all seated comfortably. He stood beside my chair and took my hand while I stared at the ground, my face burning with embarrassment, excitement, and anxiety. Then he spoke to his family, sounding so formal and grown up that I looked up at him to be sure it was my Calvin speaking. “Mom, Dad, and the rest of you, I have something I want to tell you.” I heard Bracken draw in his breath, and I looked over in time to see Skylar wink knowingly at him. Apparently she had known or at least guessed our secret already. “Taylor and I have been getting to know each other for a while. We want to start dating now.” He looked at me and revised his statement. “We are going to start dating now.” He smiled at me then we both looked at his parents. Lauren was smiling and John nodded. Whew. I was instantly relieved. Skylar and Robin, the wife of Calvin’s older brother Alex, came over to hug me while Bracken and Alex teased Calvin, punching him lightly in the arm and calling him “Romeo.”
Then Lauren, who was holding Alex and Robin’s newborn son, Joey, gave me a hug and said, “Well, I did say if there was anything you needed from us…” and we all laughed at the joke.
My once frozen and shattered heart felt very warm and almost whole that day and many of the days that followed. I guess Irv had been right—I had hope in me and I was destined for something greater than living in the shadows of addiction and neglect. But there would always be a small frozen part of my heart that wished Irv had chosen to stay alive to start a new journey together.
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