Feeling forgiveness seep in, I shrug, “You know what? It doesn’t matter now. So much more is at stake. The campaign isn’t important.”
As I turn away he grabs my arm. “Hey! It is important! You’ve wanted this your whole life. And I have to say, I’m really fucking proud of you right now.”
A crooked smile appears on my face. “Thanks.”
“Now who’s Jaimie?”
I rake both hands through my hair, holding my head for a long time as I think of how to answer that. “She’s a woman who…” I stop, trying to understand my own opinion on this since I’ve never given it thought. “She’s a woman who got under my skin.”
His eyebrows go up. “That’s a first.”
“And she’s Senator Rothdale’s daughter.”
His laughter explodes in my face. “Of course she is! Only you would shit where you eat.”
I chuckle, “I like to make things as difficult as possible.”
“Do you care about her?” he asks.
The fact is, I do. I just don’t want to admit it. These months on the campaign trail have been interesting for me. I wasn’t aware of it at first but I worked harder at my speeches to impress her. Seeing her backstage every time – I was so furious so I thought it was a curse, but she keeps the bar high for me. When she didn’t show up to one of the events I felt her absence and didn’t do as well that day. I was distracted.
“I could.”
“Wow,” he breathes.
“But she thinks I’m a piece of shit. Said I’m only good for sex.”
He stares at my somber face, then busts up laughing again. “Isn’t that your dream?”
Grinning but irritated, I shove him in the chest. “Yes, but fuck you!” Jason can’t stop laughing so I grab his head and put him in a chokehold. “I go to the gym more than you, fucker, so don’t mess with me!”
My words die off as I realize Hannah is watching us. She heard my voice and opened the door on her own. Releasing Jason, he slowly straightens up, whispering, “Oh my God. She looks just like we did. Only prettier.”
She looks confused by how much he and I look alike. I’ve seen that expression thousands of times. “Hannah, this is my brother, Jason. We’re twins. You know what twins are?”
She shakes her head, and I hear her grandmother in the distance say, “Hannah, come back in and close the door, honey.”
“It’s okay, Claire. She’s with me.”
“Oh, Justin! Good.” Her voice fades on, “I heard voices and was worried.”
Grabbing Jason’s arm I pull him forward. “Hannah, this is my brother. Without getting into the science of it, we look the same because we were born at the same time. Well, I’m actually two minutes older, but that’s not important now.”
“Then why do you always have to mention it?” he mutters out of the corner of his mouth.
I mutter in the same way back to him, “Because I’m older than you, shithead.”
“Two minutes is not older!”
Turning, I raise my voice, too. “It is older! And I’ve always been more mature than you are so obviously I am your older brother.”
He groans and rolls his eyes. “Are not!”
“Are too!”
At Hannah’s laughter we both turn our heads and realize what idiots we are. This is the first time I’ve heard her laugh and my mouth slackens at the sound. It’s incredible. I grab Jason’s arm.
Squatting to be at her height, he smiles with wonder in his eyes. “Hello there Hannah. It’s very nice to meet you.” She shakes his hand like an adult would. “Wow. The family is really gonna flip the ‘f’ out.”
“You’re better at not swearing in front of children than I am.” Bending at the knees I lift my daughter up. “Hannah, are you hungry?”
She nods. Pushing a stray lock of flaxen hair from her forehead I turn to my brother like, can you believe this shit? He shakes his head.
“I don’t want to say this, but I kind of have to now.”
“What’s that?” he asks.
“Okay, I’ll be your kid’s Godfather.”
His smile bursts into a grin. “Yeah, I think you kind of have to now.”
We head inside to introduce him to Claire, and order room service before the long drive. She glances away from the television, with tired eyes that show no sign of surprise he and I are twins. I guess Tanny must have told her. Or she read about me online. That’s what I would have done were I in her position.
“Your phone has been vibrating,” Claire tells me as I set Hannah next to her.
“Let the fun begin.”
“Hey Justin, what’s Dad going to say?”
Dad’s been very proud of my running for Senate. He didn’t mind that I would outrank him if I succeeded. People in Washington have been congratulating him when I’ve said something on the campaign trail powerful enough that it reverberated back to them. I’ve only taken one of his calls because I’m doing this for me, not him. Or I was.
“I’m sure he’ll be disappointed.”
“He’s going to be upset he wasn’t here, more than anything.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah.”
After ordering a bunch of random things from room service because I just want to get home and my patience is gone, I tell Claire, “We have a long drive ahead of us, so we’ll have lunch here.”
Hannah’s eyes are locked on the television set. Jason glances from her to me, and mouths, Wow. “I have to tell my wife.”
“It’s still weird hearing you say that word.”
“To me, too,” he smiles, texting. Glancing up he adds, “But I love saying it.”
Hannah’s eyes are glued to The Simpsons. I’m standing next to the bed, watching, too. After a moment she reaches over and takes my hand. In silence I stare at the difference in sizes. It’s crazy how tiny her fingernails are.
She turns her head, locks eyes with me, and gives me the ratty alien doll. I blink at it as she goes back to watching the cartoon.
God just played a sick joke on me.
He went and dared me to feel.
Jaimie
Flying back to Atlanta, Dad and I are quiet. We’ve not spoken much since the upset. There isn’t really much to say, is there?
His driver drops me off at my home first. As I climb out he says, a little too loudly, “Remember to eat, Jaimie. You didn’t touch your lunch.”
First the suggestion for me to plant something and now a reminder to eat?
“Um…okay, Dad.”
He motions to the driver that he’s ready to go. I watch the car drive away, thinking his strange behavior isn’t helping the off-kilter feeling I have since I heard Justin’s speech. No, I’ve felt off ever since last night.
Why did I say those horrible things to him?
They’re haunting me so much.
My house feels extra quiet today, the air stale and damp with humidity. Wandering from room to room I open windows and turn on the two ceilings fans to let in fresh air. Sunlight streams into my west-facing living room, and with my eyes closed for peace I let its rays warm me.
It isn’t working. I don’t feel better at all.
Trudging to my room I crawl into bed, staring at the ceiling until my eyelids become far too heavy to remain open.
Justin
I didn’t expect the four-hour drive to fly by, and it didn’t.
We had to buy a car seat from Target before we got started. Jason and I trapped an employee in a red vest and asked what she recommended. Luckily she was a single mother. I told her I’d give her a hundred bucks cash if she could pick the best one in under three minutes. She got the tip money.
And now I’m buckling Hannah into it, thinking, how did I get here? Last night I was drinking martinis and fucking a hot woman. And I was getting my ass chewed out afterward. Never had a clue that this is what today would bring, I can fucking tell you that.
Hannah holds up her arms so I can buckle her in, and the ratty, pink doll is ex
tended in the air.
“Does he have a name?”
“Lou.”
My eyebrows go up. “Your alien is named Lou?” She nods like it’s obvious, and I click the last stiff buckle.
Claire exclaims with appreciation, “It’s so roomy in this car.”
Oh shit. Here it comes. As we climb in the front and shut the doors, Jason smirks, “Your Audi couldn’t have done this.”
“Shut it.”
“We’d be like sardines in here.”
“Stylish sardines.”
“Smelly sardines,” he counters.
“As if I’d let you drive my Audi to Savannah.”
With his eyes on the rearview mirror Jason smiles, “Hannah thinks we’re funny.”
Craning to look back, I see her with a closed-mouth smile. “My brother and I amuse you?” She nods. “Good.” As I turn around I say to him, “It’s a start.”
Hannah falls asleep first as we head west on I-16. Then Claire follows. In the front seat Jason and I remain quiet for miles, waiting for them to fall deeper into sleep.
“I have to make some calls.”
He nods, eyes on the road. “Justin?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m proud of you.”
My fingers hover a moment, and then I dial Mary. She answers immediately. Probably kept her cell next to her. “Mr. Cocker? I saw the speech. I’m so sorry, sir.”
A pang twists my insides. “Mary, I need your help.”
“Anything, sir.”
“Look into hospice care in Atlanta. I need the best you can find close to my home, or my parent’s home.” The sudden urge to lean on them for help hits me, but I don’t want to rush into anything. I know I’m in shock.
“Hang on a second. Let me think.”
“Of course, sir,” she whispers.
Staring at the forests blurring past my window I try to imagine what staying with Mom and Dad for a few months, would look like. It would just be in order to get a handle on parenting. Mom would love it and she’d take over. Then it could become where she’s the one Hannah turns to. I want it to be me. And I’m stunned to realize it.
“You still there, Mary?”
“Yes Mr. Cocker.”
“Find one near my home. If you can’t find a good one, I’ll rent a temporary apartment near one and live there for the time being.”
“Sir, I know of a place by your penthouse. I’ve lost several friends.”
This stills me. “Oh, I didn’t know that.”
“I’m a bit older than you, sir.”
Smiling at the amusement in her tone, I concede, “Okay, well, I’ll leave it up to you. Her name is Claire Walters. She’s the woman you spoke to today. What am I saying? You probably already knew who I was talking about. I’m a little out of it. Tell them I will be paying for everything her insurance doesn’t cover.”
“I’ll take care of it, sir. Are you coming home now?”
“Yes. Make it happen now. I want to drive her right there. Thank you.”
“I’ll get right on it. And Mr. Cocker?”
“Yes?”
“Well done.”
Frowning, I murmur, “Goodbye, Mary,” and hang up.
“When are you going to call the family?” Jason asks me.
“I don’t know.”
“You know it’s on the news, right? I checked my phone and they already know.”
“Shit,” I mutter. “I’ve been so disoriented. My head is up my ass right now.”
“Language,” Jason smirks, glancing to the rearview.
I throw him a look. “Okay, Grams. I already warned her I swear.”
He cocks an eyebrow. “You warned Grams?”
“My daughter!”
He chuckles, “I know. I just wanted to hear you say it again.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“And you’re a father.” He hisses through his teeth. “I can’t wait to see everyone’s faces.”
We ride for over an hour in silence after I-16 becomes I-75. No radio. No need for one. The channels changing in my mind are enough to keep me occupied for days. God, the media frenzy over this scandal. And my family won’t be able to hide this one like they did when I seduced that poor – and very hot – teacher my senior year in high school. No, this time they can’t sweet-talk the principle.
“How you doin’ over there?” Jason asks.
“It’s a lot, Jase.”
“But you can handle it.” He pauses. “My big brother can handle anything. Always has. Always will.”
I glance over to see if he’s fucking with me, but his eyes remain locked on the road ahead, his face dead serious.
Justin
At a high-end Assisted Living home with hospice care only seven minutes away from my home, I’m asked questions regarding my relationship to Mrs. Walters. She’s in a wheelchair and overlaps my sentences, handing over the forms she filled out in Savannah.
I can tell she’s feeling like a burden, and I place my hand on her shoulder to slow her down. She’s talking to fast, and she’s weak. She covers my hand with her own, and it’s cold, the skin paper-thin.
My voice is firm as I explain, “I was involved with her daughter but we weren’t married. Still, I’ll be paying for Mrs. Walters’s stay here, and anything she needs over and above insurance coverage. I want her to be very comfortable.”
“Thank you,” she whispers for only me, patting my hand and squeezing my fingers.
Hannah is walking along seams in the floor tiles as if they’re really tightropes, one tiny sneaker in front of the other, Lou dangling from her hand.
“If you can fill out this information, Mr. Cocker.”
“Sure,” I take the clipboard and balance it on my abs, filling in the blanks while Jason talks on the phone with his wife. It’s impossible to ignore, so I call over, “Jason! You’ll be seeing her in less than an hour. Hang up.”
He shakes his head like I’m an asshole, but says, “I’ll tell you everything in person, babe. See you soon.” Strolling back to me he offers, “She’s got morning sickness.”
“That’s great,” I mutter, writing out my email address. To the woman behind the desk – don’t know if she’s a nurse or what – I say, “I’m putting my address on here but I have a secretary, too, Mary McDougall. She’ll be in contact with you as well, for the financials. But I want to be the one you call for news of any kind. If Claire needs anything, you must call me, not Mary.”
Jason leans on the counter and whispers like an idiot, “He’s dangerous. Better do what he says.”
She grins at him, smitten. I just roll my eyes, scrawl out my signature and date it, handing it back to her.
Turning to Claire, I frown, “I’m less than ten minutes away. We’ll be here every day to visit you.”
Her eyes are kind as she assures me, “I was in a place far less nice than this in Savannah, Mr. Cocker. You can go. I’ll be fine.”
“Stop calling me Mr. Cocker. It’s Justin. Please call me Justin.”
She smiles and I take her hand in both of mine. I hate how cold it is. “Call me if you need anything. Don’t hesitate to tell them, either. I’ll be pissed off if I find out you didn’t.”
She chuckles, “I promise.”
“Hannah,” I call out. Jesus, what a shock to my system to see this little girl running to me like I’m her father. How the hell did this happen to me? With her head craned up to look at me, I shake my head and bend down to carry her. “C’mon Jason.”
He shakes Mrs. Walters’s hand. “I’m so sorry about Tanny.”
“Thank you. Did you know her, too?”
“I did. She was a good girl. Always smiling. We liked her.”
With her eyes going liquid, Claire whispers, “She was always smiling. Thank you.”
He nods and heads for me. Mrs. Walters and I lock eyes and I tip my head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
At the skyscraper I call home, Jason unloads our suitcases from the back while I un
latch my daughter from her car seat and deposit her and Lou on the sidewalk. “Will you do me one last favor?”
“What’s that?”
“Put this car seat in my Audi for me? I’ll give you the keys to it. I’ve got another set upstairs. Just hold onto them until I see you next.”
“Sure.” He holds his palm out while I slide the fob off my keychain. “You want me to come up with you guys, or you want to do this alone?”
“Just me. Go home and get some rest.” Glancing to where Hannah is watching us, I lower my voice so she can’t hear. “This would have been easier if she were a baby. She’s already built memories without me.”
“I know. You’re starting with an already formed kid in a way. It’s not fair.”
“It’s worse for her than me. I have to keep reminding myself that.” Jason grabs and hugs me out of the blue. “What the fuck?”
“You’re incredible today, Justin. I just gotta tell you that.” He lets go and says in a firm voice, “Take your phone off airplane mode. Make yourself reachable.”
“No.”
“Do it. I’ll start making calls to family as soon as I’m in the car.”
“That’s not a car. It’s a beached cargo ship with wheels.”
He grins and starts to go around to the driver’s side. Stopping, he locks eyes with Hannah then jogs over. “It was very nice to meet you, Hannah. I’ll be seeing you soon.”
Her mouth squishes up and she looks at me as I unlock the suitcase handles to roll them both inside, the tote bag over my shoulder. “Thanks, Jason.”
“Keep your phone on!” he shouts while he runs to get in. “I’ll tell them all to cool off for a bit! But keep it on.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Hannah follows me inside, suitcase wheels filling our silence. The security guard glances up from his desk. “Mr. Cocker.”
“Hello Carl. This is my daughter, Hannah.”
His dark eyebrows nearly fly off his head. “Well, good evening, Hannah.”
“It’s not all the way dark yet,” she informs him.
White teeth shine at her. “You’re right. It’s earlier than that, but I don’t like to say, Good late afternoon. Doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?”
Cocky Senator's Daughter: Hannah Cocker (Cocker Brothers of Atlanta Book 8) Page 30