“You haven’t done anything wrong!”
“I am your mother. And a mother’s children pattern their relationships after their parents. So what was it? Was it that I didn’t work? Do you think I lived off your father? Are you afraid of gold diggers?”
“What? No. You weren’t a gold digger. You were a housewife. And Dad wasn’t there all the time. If we didn’t have you… Mom, I can spot a gold digger five miles away! Jaimie’s not hurting for cash. It’s not that!”
“Is it you don’t respect housewives?”
“There’s no way she’d be a housewife. She likes her job.”
“Then why are you so against settling down?”
My arms fly up. “Why do I have to?”
Her voice softens as she comes to me with imploring eyes. “Justin, you said all you needed was to become a Senator and help people and that would make you happy. You said being a father to Hannah would make you happy. But honey, you have those things now! Are you happy?”
That heavy pain hits my chest again and I turn away from her, rubbing my eyes. “NO.”
“Why not?”
“I want Jaimie.”
Mom places a soothing hand on my back. “Does she not want you?”
Groaning, I turn to the one person I can’t tell about why I won’t get married. “Mom, I don’t believe in marriage. I just don’t. Please drop it. I’m begging you.”
“Why don’t you believe in it?”
“Because it’s not real. People do whatever they want. They give those vows and then they don’t keep them.”
“Are you afraid you wouldn’t be faithful?”
“I know I’d be faithful. It’s why I haven’t settled down!”
Mom searches my eyes. “Then why are you worried? You think women are unfaithful?”
“I just don’t trust it, okay?”
“You?”
“Marriage!”
“I don’t understand, Justin!”
Gently grabbing her head I kiss my Mom’s forehead and rasp, “I know. It’s okay.”
I head for the kitchen for some water but freeze as I hear Mom whisper, “You know, don’t you?”
I cock my head. “Know what?”
“That your father cheated on me.”
My jaw drops as the room starts to spin so badly I have to hold onto a wall. “Mom, you knew?”
She mutters in a voice reserved only for the spouses of cheaters, “Of course I knew. It went on for so long, do you think I’m blind?”
“How are you smiling right now?” I stagger to her. “How can you be smiling?”
“Am I? I don’t know why. I’m not happy about it. Maybe because it’s a relief to say it aloud. Do you have some wine?”
I nod, frowning deeply and thrown beyond compare. I open a bottle of white wine because that’s the only kind she likes. She stares out at Atlanta, slowly joining me in the kitchen and sitting on a barstool by the island while I stand.
“Justin, how did you find out?”
“Uh, wow, this is hard to talk about. I heard Dad talking on the phone when I was a kid. I thought he was talking to you because of the things he was saying, but then when I went in the kitchen, there you were. Another time I followed him when the Sawyers came over for dinner and he and Ellen were talking about things I knew, by that age, were intimate. I was only seven or something, but kids talk at school.”
“Oh,” Mom whispers. She was staring at her hands but when I finished she looked up and met my eyes. Now I feel terrible.
“Are you okay hearing this, Mom? I would never want to hurt you.”
“It’s just a secret I’ve kept for so long, but I want to talk. Especially if it will help.”
Pouring us both a glass, I eye her. “I also spoke to a golfing buddy of his. A doctor who can’t hold his liquor. He thought I was Jaxson and asked me how things were. I played along — even though I look nothing like Jaxson. He just knew I was a Cocker boy. The guy needs glasses. He shared some things with me that were…well, not good.”
Truth is, I don’t know how much to say.
It’s really Jaxson’s story to tell.
I’ve never told him I knew.
Mom’s lips tighten. “Your father and I have never been closer than we are right now. Things didn’t start up with her again.”
“Does he know you know?”
“He has no idea.”
“Why!?”
Mom drinks her wine in thought and then brings the glass to her lap, staring off as she tells me in the softest voice, “I was very young when Michael and I married. He chose me because I was from a good family who was high society. Those things mattered back then. And he loved me, in a boy’s way. But he was wild and cocky.” She smiles to herself. “You boys inherited your father’s rebellious side. It’s why I always hoped for a girl.” Glancing to her glass, she says, “Anyway, I wasn’t good in the bedroom.”
“Mom! That’s no excuse.”
She touches my hand and holds my eyes. “Justin, you don’t understand. And maybe it’s hard for you to hear because I’m your mother, so this subject may seem strange, but I was brought up very religiously. Your grandmother Lucy was, well today they would call how she raised us, abusive. She shamed me about my looks and called me a slut when I started to develop. I was nothing of the sort, but she continued whispering such things to me until I felt so detached from my own body and disgusted with its cravings. I was feeling things I thought were evil. That’s what she made me believe they were. When your father touched me, I cringed. I cried most times. My body didn’t respond to his. I made him feel terrible. And so he found someone who was more like him. And the affair began.”
When you’re a kid your grandmother seems like a saint. Grandma May, Grams, Dad’s mom, who is still alive, is one. I’m sure of it. She’s hilarious and witty and I know she never instilled fucked up thoughts in Dad’s young head.
“Grandma Lucy did that to you?”
Mom nods, smiling with sadness and acceptance. “Yes.”
“So, what happened? I don’t understand why you didn’t leave Dad. Or tell him you know.”
“I loved your father so much, Justin. Although I was afraid of the bedroom, I admired everything about him. I stayed by him because I didn’t want to leave. And after a while I couldn’t take it anymore, his going elsewhere for affection, so I went to one of the priests at our church. Do you remember Father Matthew?”
“Sure, yeah.”
“When I was a young woman, therapists weren’t as accepted by society as they are now. We went to priests, and he was very kind to me. He listened and told me that I shouldn’t be ashamed. That sex between a man and woman who love each other is meant to be blessed with making love to one another and enjoying it. That it wasn’t evil. He said the urges I felt as a girl were natural and that my mother was wrong in what she’d taught me. He said to give myself forgiveness and compassion for being so afraid. And then he asked me, Do you love him, Nancy? And of course I said yes, because I worshipped Michael. He then asked me, Do you believe he loves you?”
Mom pauses, tears in her eyes.
“You okay? You want to stop talking?”
“I’m sorry, I’ve never talked about this with anyone. I’m getting a little emotional.”
“Mom, it’s alright. Here.” Reaching over I open a drawer where I’ve stored tissues. I learned from the time Jaimie told me not to use paper towels on Hannah’s nose, so now they’re stored everywhere around the penthouse.
“Thank you,” she smiles, taking them and dabbing her eyes. “I looked into my heart and I said, Yes, Father Matthew. I believe he does love me. And that day everything changed for me. I went to a store and bought a sexy teddy.”
“Mom,” I chuckle, covering my eyes to get the image out of my head.
“And I waited until after dinner was over and you boys went to bed. I put Jeremy down in his crib, got into that tiny thing and went into your father’s office. You should have seen his face.”
“Are you telling me you turned into a sexpot overnight?”
She bursts into laughter. “Oh no! Can you imagine? No. I did not. In fact, I cried that night, just like so many others. But for a different reason. I was impatient with myself. I was so tired of being me.” She quiets. “But afterward, I told Michael how much I wanted to love him like he needed to be loved. How I wanted to hold him and kiss him in all the places he wanted. And that I needed him to be patient with me. Because I wanted to try. He stared into my eyes and there were tears in his. It was the first time I saw him cry since Jett was born. Things shifted between us. The Sawyers moved to New York. I believe he asked her to go, but I’m not sure. I just know their move was only a month after I declared how much I loved him.” She touches my hand again. “Justin, I’ve never told him I know because your father has been such a good husband to me ever since. If it had continued, I would have left. But it didn’t and he’s worked so hard to be good to me. He was so patient as I worked though my shame and opened up to him. He’s become my best friend! I don’t want to punish him for being young. I just want to love him now that he’s all mine.”
“This is a lot to soak in.”
“Do you still feel the same way about marriage?”
Staring at her, I admit, “I don’t know.”
“What’s confusing you?”
“All of it!”
She brings her glass to her lips with a smile. “Well, I can’t blame you for that sentiment.” Sipping she considers what next she should say. “Do you think people are perfect?”
“No.”
“That everything is black and white? That if someone makes a mistake that you should walk away forever?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, that’s why there are so many divorces. People give up. Give me a little bit more wine.”
I pour and stop when she motions it’s enough. “I don’t think he should have cheated.”
“Because he’s your father or because he should have stayed loyal to a woman who cringed underneath him? Would you have stayed loyal to such a woman?”
“I would have stayed.”
“He stayed.”
“I would have…”
“Justin I know you’re a fan of sexual activities.”
A laugh escapes me and I admit, “I am.”
“Can you imagine being married to a wife who hated them? Where, for years, she cried when you touched her?”
My lips go thin. “I’d probably get divorced.”
“Michael didn’t do that, honey. He chose me. You’ve seen our bond. I don’t know another married couple as close as Michael and I are. It’s because we chose to stay, and we did the work. And by the way our sex life is outstanding.”
“Mom!” I laugh.
“It is. It’s very hot. And thank God for Viagra.”
“Oh Jesus, okay. We’re done.”
“What?” she exclaims, holding up her glass. “I can talk about the bad sex but not the good? Why are people so puritanical about making love? What was wrong with my mother, I want to know! It’s crazy how weird everyone is about it in America. Oh sure, let’s watch violence and blood and gore but show a penis or a vagina and everyone loses their minds. It’s part of life! We have great sex! Your father is amazing and I’m not so bad myself.”
We clink our glasses together, feeling like I might have taken acid by accident when I woke up. “To Father Matthew freeing my mom.”
Nancy Cocker whispers, “Amen to that,” sipping with a smile.
Justin
Dust clouds billow around my Audi as I pull up to Jaxson’s ranch, an hour north of Atlanta the next morning. He’s holding a steaming cup of java, resting on his forearm against the doorframe of a well-designed enclosed porch, wearing his usual faded blue jeans and white tank top under a denim shirt. I call to him as I stroll up, “You got more of that coffee?”
“Not for you I don’t,” he smirks. “You always gotta wear a suit now that you’re a big mucky-muck?”
I throw back at him, “You always gotta look like you need a shower?”
He laughs. “C’mon in.”
Clomping up the steps I shut the door as I catch sight of breakfast laid out for us. It’s almost noon but he’s got waffles, bacon, fresh milk, orange juice, and a quiche. “I thought Rachel doesn’t cook much.”
“She doesn’t,” he chuckles, pouring a cup of coffee for me from a thermos as I sit at the table. “You gonna razz me about my cooking skills again? Because last I heard you’re not so bad yourself. Cream?”
“You know what, since it’s fresh, yeah. Put some in there.”
“Do it yourself,” he smirks, sitting down and snatching a slice of bacon up, chewing on it as he talks. “Hannah at daycare?”
Helping myself, I say, “Yep. I was going to bring her but she’d want to stay all day and I have back-to-back meetings after this.”
He’s watching me with the wise eyes he’s known for. “If you’ve got a busy day, why the long detour? I’m not exactly around the corner.”
Stirring my coffee, I blow on it and take a hot sip. “I need to ask you some questions.”
“About?”
“Marriage.”
Jaxson’s eyebrows go up and he rakes a hand through his sandy brown hair. “Well now! Never expected to hear that word fall off your tongue without a bite to it.”
Grabbing some bacon, I pop it in my mouth and start cutting the quiche. “This looks amazing. You didn’t buy this?”
“You’re stalling. And no I didn’t fuckin’ buy it.” Jaxson’s from Atlanta like me but we couldn’t be more different. He likes to keep to himself, with his wife and son. Milk his cows, ride his two horses, chase loose chickens around. I’m in the thick of it with society. But there’s never been anything but ease between us. I guess that can be said of all of us Cocker Brothers.
I sit back and chew. We stare at each other, him patiently waiting until I can talk again. When I can, I just come right out with it. “Mom knows, Jax.”
“Knows what?”
“Dad cheated years ago.”
His emerald eyes darken as anger and surprise flash across his features in a subdued way. I can see his brain ticking. “You know about that?”
“Known since I was a kid. When did you find out?”
He lays his cup on the table and leans forward on his elbows, staring off at the ranch. Under his breath he says, “Recently.” His eyes cut to me. “You knew since childhood?”
“Yeah.”
“And you never told me?” His eyes narrow. “You tell Jason?”
“Never told anyone. Not even Dad knows I know.”
Jaxson whistles and sits back in his chair, staring off again. “Mom knows?” he whispers, emotions tied up. “Did they get into a fight? How are they doing?”
“She hasn’t told him. She’s kept it to herself. Found out back then. Listen, we’ve gotta talk about that later, and if you want, you can bring it up to her. But —”
“— Wait wait wait. I can’t just drop it like that. I have to know, why’d she stay with him? Why not tell him?”
“Said she didn’t want to punish him. Said it’s her fault.”
“What?!” He reels back with a grimace of disbelief.
“Okay, I guess I have to tell what you happened.” I launch into what Mom told me. Jaxson drinks in every word. When I finish he shakes his head, trying to wrap his brain around everything we, as their children, never knew was going on.
He fills me in next, explaining what happened with that doctor who mistook me for him, the one I said needs glasses.
We dig into the food, both starving after delving into the secrets of the past, and neither of us talks for a good five, six, seven minutes. Finally he asks, “So what about marriage? You feeling like you want to say something to Dad?”
“Nah, that’s between them. You know I keep my nose out of other people’s business.”
“Except Jason’s,” he smirks.
“Him I get to fuck with. We were in the womb at the same time. I was punching him even then.” We chuckle, but a somberness arises as I get ready to ask what I drove all the way out here for. I could have asked Jake, but he’s younger than me. I needed my older brother.
Hell, if I’m going to drastically change my life forever, I need Jax.
“I want to see what you like about marriage. One woman. Why you chose it.”
A smile comes over Jaxson’s rugged face. “Justin, what can I tell ya? Let me think about this a second.” He takes a sip of coffee then licks his lips and sets it down. “I used to look out at this ranch with a sense of pride that it was mine. Bought it out of college, as you know. Then Rachel came back into my life. She was here and then she was gone and the place didn’t have the same sunlight over it anymore. I couldn’t even see the sun.” He stares off, remembering what happened between them. “When my wife and my son are walking with me out there in the tall grass with a breeze blowing, man, Justin, there’s nothin’ like it. I used to think this place was enough for me, but without her, none of it means anything. I can’t imagine waking up without her by my side.” He stares at me to see if I understand. “I wouldn’t want to wake up. I’d do it for Ben, but I wouldn’t want to wake up if I couldn’t see her smile.”
“What if something happens?”
“You mean if one of us cheats?”
“Yeah.”
Jaxson gives me a crooked smile. “Not possible, man. We’re like this.” He clasps his hands together. “When stuff comes up and we argue, we just work it out. Talk about it. Yell about it. But I always tell her that even though we’re fighting and she’s annoying the shit out of me, I still love her. I love talking to her about damn near everything. Other women never kept my interest the way my wife does. Plus the sex is fucking incredible. Don’t want anyone else. It’s all about communication. So, you think you’re going to cheat because you’re such a slut?”
Chuckling at my reputation, I shake my head. “No. When I commit to something, I do it – you know that. The second I met her I stopped calling my list. Hell, I think that in my heart, when I sat down next to her at that bar in Boston, I’d already decided she was it. Then I fought it. Fought it like a motherfucker. Everyone thinks I’m a slut. Jordan and Jocelyn said they all think so over there, too. But I never cared about any of those women. I was just pissed off at the world. Stuff from childhood. I don’t know — I’m no therapist.”
Cocky Senator's Daughter: Hannah Cocker (Cocker Brothers of Atlanta Book 8) Page 38