Just the Way You Are

by Lynsey James

  ‘I’ve had such a lovely time,’ he said. ‘Maybe we can do this again sometime?’

  I nodded. He might not have been Mr Writer, but he was definitely a good, decent guy unlike James Kelly. With a dejected sigh, I went off back inside to find Max and Gwen. They abruptly stopped talking when I went over to their table.

  ‘It’s not him,’ I said flatly. ‘Let’s get out of here.’

  Max put his hand on the back of the chair to get up, but seemed to change his mind. He looked so tortured. His first instinct when I was sad was to comfort me, but recent events probably meant he didn’t know what his role was any more. He heaved out a sigh and looked away from me. I wanted to touch him but thought better of it.

  Gwen got up and assumed her best friend duties. She put a comforting arm round my shoulder and hugged me tightly.

  ‘Don’t worry babe, you will find him.’ Her voice sounded so certain and I wished with all my heart that I could share her belief.

  At that moment in time, Mr Writer seemed further away than ever.

  Chapter 15

  ‘So the first candidate was a psycho and the second one was nice, but definitely not Mr Writer? Hang on, it says here when you met that James Kelly bloke, you yelled Lapsang Souchong and legged it!’

  ‘To be fair, he didn’t give me much choice! He touched my leg, I got a fright and spat tea in his face.’

  Retelling the story made me feel disheartened. I was two candidates down with only one to go and that didn’t come with a guarantee of success. I was seriously considering giving it up altogether and focusing my energies on something that would actually happen.

  ‘Fair point babe; from the sounds of things, I’m guessing you’ll be grateful for these?’

  Fran reached into the depths of her taupe tote bag and pulled out a box of strawberry doughnuts. She slid them across to me with a sympathetic smile.

  ‘You’re a star!’ I tore open the box like a woman possessed and took one. ‘How come you were in so late this morning, by the way? Eleven’s late even for you.’

  Fran looked up at me from underneath her long eyelashes, a smile dancing on her lips. Her engagement ring glinted in the weak November sunlight as she fiddled with it.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked.

  ‘Ryan and I have finally set a date for the wedding!’ she squealed.

  ‘Oh my God, that’s amazing! When is it?’

  ‘June 29th next year; I can finally start planning the bloody thing! That’s why I’m so late in; I’ve been looking at wedding venues.’

  I jumped out of my seat to hug her. I knew how much the wedding meant to her, even if the proposal had been bittersweet. Eighteen months ago, on their fourth anniversary, she’d hit Ryan with an ultimatum: get married or get out.

  Just as I was about to ask her about her plans for the big day, my computer pinged with two messages. One was from someone by the name of MistySparkles27, saying they had information about Mr Writer for me and the other was from Ivy, saying she wanted to see me immediately.

  ***

  I bit my thumbnail nervously as I drew up to Ivy’s house just outside the city. It was a beautiful semi-detached house with a Juliet balcony at the front and a brand-new Toyota in the driveway. I found a place to park on the street and went up to the door. Before I could knock, Ivy opened the door to greet me. She still looked as beautiful as ever but she also looked pale and tired. Some of the sparkle had gone from her keen dark eyes.

  ‘Child, how lovely to see you!’ She came across to me with open arms and I noticed she was having difficulty walking.

  ‘It’s great to see you too, how have you been?’ I asked.

  She pulled away from me and nodded vaguely then motioned for me to follow her inside. I did and the smell of baking ensnared my senses as soon as I walked in.

  ‘Something smells nice,’ I said, following her through to the kitchen.

  ‘It’s my banana bread, want a piece?’

  ‘Sure, I’d love one!’

  I took a seat at the white breakfast bar and Ivy cut two slices of banana bread, putting them onto delicate white china plates. She brought them over with a significant limp and handed me one before having a seat. She took a second to get her breath back and began to cough.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I got up and poured her a glass of water.

  ‘I’m fine honey, just fine.’ Her voice carried a noticeable wheeze that made me worry. She took a sip of water then a bite of her banana bread.

  Alarm bells began to sound in my head. Something told me that the change in Ivy’s health was the reason she’d asked to see me urgently.

  ‘So you wanted to see me about something?’ I nibbled my banana bread; I wouldn’t be able to eat until I knew everything was OK.

  Ivy nodded solemnly. ‘Yeah child, I did. I… I wanted to see how your article on Leo and me was coming along.’

  An enormous pang of guilt resonated through my entire body. I felt so bad having nothing to report to her, especially when she was ill.

  ‘Um… not as well as I hoped. I’m trying to find him so you can see each other again but I haven’t had any luck yet. I’ve put a post on Friends Reunited to see if anyone can give me some information about him but I haven’t had any responses yet. I promise I’ll keep trying though and I’ll look at other ways to find him.’

  My heart sank as I noticed Ivy’s face sadden. She looked as though she’d been expecting good news and I’d thoroughly disappointed her.

  ‘I’m so sorry; I-I will find him, I promise, it just hasn’t happened yet. I’m sure I’ll hear something soon!’

  She looked up and her eyes were brimming with tears. I reached over and touched her soft, crinkled hand.

  ‘Ivy, is everything OK?’ I said gently.

  She swallowed hard and wiped her eyes with a stoicism I hadn’t expected.

  ‘You might… You might not have as much time to find Leo as you thought.’

  A block of ice dropped into my stomach. I had a fair idea of what was coming next but I didn’t want to hear it.

  ‘W-what do you mean?’ My emotions bubbled and hissed beneath the surface and it was all I could do not to let them out.

  ‘I… I’ve been diagnosed with leukaemia.’

  Ivy’s resolve broke and tears ran down her face. I fetched some tissues out of my bag and handed them to her, putting a comforting arm around her shoulder.

  ‘When did this happen?’

  ‘Yesterday. I’d been feeling off for a while – getting out of breath quickly, feeling tired, pain in my joints – but then I started having regular nosebleeds which isn’t like me at all. And that day I came to meet you at the coffee house, I couldn’t eat a thing even though I’d had nothing to eat all day. So, I went to my doctor and he did some blood tests that showed my white blood cell count was higher than normal. He referred me to a specialist at the hospital and he confirmed yesterday that it’s cancer: acute myeloid leukaemia to give it its Sunday title.’

  I was completely knocked for six. How could this be happening to someone so full of life? It didn’t make any sense at all. I wanted to cry but knew that wouldn’t do either of us any good.

  ‘Oh my… Ivy, I can’t believe it. Did they say anything about what they can do for you or…?’

  ‘They’re going to start with intensive chemotherapy and take it from there. Apparently I’m in pretty good condition for an old bird and can handle it! If that doesn’t work, they’ll give me radiotherapy and possibly a bone marrow transplant. The prognosis could go either way, according to Dr Simpson. I’m fit and otherwise healthy but my age lets me down.’

  I threw both my arms around Ivy and tried very hard not to cry, biting down hard on my lip until I could almost taste blood.

  ‘You can get through this; I know you can. You’re the bravest person I know. I’m going to find Leo for you,’ I whispered.

  I drew away from her and she sat up. She wasn’t crying any more and looked somewhere between hopeful and t
errified.

  ‘Thank you honey. Now, no more sad stuff, let’s eat and enjoy ourselves!’

  Enjoy ourselves we did. After the banana bread, Ivy insisted I stay for dinner and made the most delicious chicken Creole I’d ever tasted in my life. Texting Miranda telling her I’d be out of the office for the rest of the day was the easiest lie I’d ever told. The flavours blew me away and made any restaurant attempts at the dish pale in comparison.

  Over dinner, Ivy told me how she’d met her husband Roger as she was walking down Bourbon Street one day.

  ‘It was May, the air was warm and the trees were covered in beautiful cherry blossom. I was walking to work when I saw this handsome young man on the other side of the street. He was tall and dark with a nice smile and kind eyes. I still remember the brown suit he was wearing to this day, it was far too big for him! Turned out it was his daddy’s and he’d borrowed it for a job interview at the local bank.’ Ivy settled back into her chair, a slow smile spreading across her face as she brought a cup of tea to her lips. It wasn’t quite the same one she gave when Leo was being discussed, but nevertheless, I could tell Roger had been a huge part of her life too.

  ‘He came over,’ Ivy continued, ‘told me I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and that was it. We got married six months later. My heart was still broken over Leo of course, but Roger helped to ease the pain a little. Although he’d never be the first man I loved, he was happy to be the last. The day I married him, I found out how much happiness can come from living the life you’re given, rather than the one you planned.’

  I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. She was right; life was all about making the best of what you had, not chasing stupid dreams that would probably come to nothing. Ivy had lived the life she was given and had a long, happy marriage to a good man and raised a lovely family.

  My search for Mr Writer had to be over.

  Shortly after we finished dinner, I got up to leave.

  ‘Ivy, that was incredible! Thanks so much for having me.’ I grabbed my coat and walked to the front door.

  ‘My pleasure child; don’t be a stranger now, you hear?’ She wrapped her arms around me one last time and waved me off as I drove away.

  I got back to my flat at silly o’clock at night. The four sets of road works from Ivy’s house to mine had put at least twenty-five minutes on my journey and I was completely knackered by the time my key turned in the door.

  ‘The wanderer returns!’ Gwen shouted from the living room. ‘Where did you get to?’

  ‘I went to see Ivy,’ I replied. ‘She was diagnosed with leukaemia yesterday so that means finding Leo Browning’s even more important.’

  I flopped down on the first available couch and screwed my eyes shut.

  ‘Oh hun, I’m sorry to hear that. Will she be OK?’

  I shrugged, feeling my insides twist themselves into knots. ‘They don’t know yet. She’s starting chemo soon so they’ll just take it from there. She sent me a message today asking me to come see her.’

  Telling Gwen about the message made the other one I’d received that day pop into my mind: the one from MistySparkles27. Contacting her could wait until tomorrow, I thought. Today had been more than enough for me.

  ‘If they think she’s well enough to have chemo, that’s a good sign. It means they might’ve caught it before it’s had a chance to spread.’ Gwen’s mum worked in the oncology department at Manchester Royal Infirmary, so she knew quite a lot about the illness.

  ‘I guess so.’ I heaved a sigh and felt a leaden weight press down on my shoulders. ‘You should’ve seen her today, Gwen. She looked so frail and tired and…’

  I stopped before I burst into tears. Seeing someone so full of life look so ill had been nothing short of heart-breaking.

  She came across and hugged me. ‘I know you’ll be worried about her, hun. Cancer’s a devastating illness but survival rates and treatment options are better than ever. I bet she’ll come through this, you’ll see.’

  I managed a weak smile and squeezed her. ‘I hope so. Anyway that’s not the only message I got today.’

  I told her all about MistySparkles27 and she listened intently.

  ‘Well that’s something, isn’t it?’ She wasn’t as full of enthusiasm as she’d been when the search had first started. I didn’t blame her; neither was I. ‘Did you ever arrange to go out with Nate by the way?’

  ‘No,’ I admitted. ‘I’ve been so busy with all this I haven’t had time.’

  ‘Well don’t you think you should? I mean, he sent you a bouquet of roses to ask you out; I think he at least deserves a chance for doing something like that!’

  I badly wanted to feel excited about going out with Nate but I didn’t. There was an obvious chemistry between us but he just didn’t set my soul on fire like Mr Writer’s beautiful words. Even to me, it sounded crazy that some words could move me more than an actual flesh-and-blood person but such was my bonkers mixed-up head.

  ‘I’ll see him at work tomorrow.’ I hoped this answer would satisfy Gwen’s curiosity and make her change the subject.

  ‘Right, well make sure you do something about it. Guys like Nate don’t hang around forever.’

  Whereas guys like Tom just conveniently forget to tell you they’re married, I couldn’t help but think.. I did my best to suppress it. It was unkind and unnecessary; she was just trying to help after all.

  ‘Anyway…’ She paused for a second before continuing. ‘I’ve got something I want to talk to you about.’

  ‘Oh?’ I tore my gaze away from a small thread on one of the cushions and gave her my full attention.

  ‘This is going to sound so daft, but I guess I should just come right out with it. No time like the present eh?’ She giggled in an almost manic fashion and quite frankly it scared me a little.

  ‘No, I suppose not…’ I was painfully aware my voice sounded like a DVD stuck in slow-mo but a wave of fatigue was slowly washing over me after the busy day I’d had.

  ‘God, I don’t even know where to start!’

  I took a good look at Gwen’s face and was stunned by what I saw: she was glowing with happiness. I hadn’t seen her like this for a while, especially not since the whole fiasco with Tom.

  ‘Just tell me,’ I urged, pulling a cushion onto my lap for comfort. ‘You’ve started now so you might as well finish.’

  Gwen placed her bottom lip between her perfectly white teeth and peeked up at me from beneath her gorgeously long eyelashes. She looked like a little kid who’d done something extremely naughty but was still pleased with the result.

  ‘OK, here goes… I think I’m in love!’

  ‘You what? Who with?!’

  A little voice in the back of my mind told me I wasn’t going to like what was coming next but I ignored it. My best friend was in love, finally after so many disastrous dates and loser boyfriends!

  ‘This is the crazy part because I never in a million years thought I’d fall for him but my God Ava, I have – big time! He’s not my usual type of guy either but there’s just something about him that…’

  ‘For God’s sake Gwen, who is it?’ I chuckled.

  I began assembling a profile of who it might be: tall, dark and handsome with loads of money, a fast car and a flash apartment in Deansgate was Gwen’s go-to type. I couldn’t imagine this one being any different, despite her claims to the contrary.

  She let out a blissful sigh and looked at me. All she needed were little bluebirds flying round her head.

  ‘Ava… I’m in love with Max!’

  Chapter 16

  I stared open-mouthed at Gwen, unable to process what she’d just said. In love with Max?! The idea itself was totally bonkers, not least because she’d repeatedly told me over the years how she could never be attracted to him.

  ‘A-are you sure?’

  ‘Of course I am, silly! You know when you’re in love with someone, don’t you?’

  If only it were that simple.

  ‘N
ot necessarily,’ I reasoned. ‘Sometimes you can think you love someone but in actual fact, it’s nothing, not even a teeny tiny little crush. I mean, the two of you have been mates for years and nothing’s ever happened. What’s changed?’

  Gwen having feelings for Max bothered me more than I wanted to admit. Of course, it was all totally ludicrous but for the moment at least, she was sticking to her guns.

  ‘I have. I’ve realised what I want from a man now and it’s Max. Ava, this is the real deal; I can feel it. It’s come completely out of nowhere but it kind of makes sense, don’t you think? I know what you said about nothing ever happening between us and you’re right, but I’ve always felt like there might be something there, you know?’

  I fought the urge to burst out laughing. This obviously wasn’t funny to her but I’d never heard anything more ridiculous in my life.

  ‘I can’t say that I’ve noticed.’ I knew she wouldn’t want to hear this but one of us had to talk sense, so it might as well be me.

  ‘You’re not attuned to these things like I am,’ she explained. ‘You know, I think he might feel it too! Look how nice he was to me when I found out Tom was married: he made me a cup of tea and he was just so gentle and kind. Then last weekend, when we were in Caffe Nero, we were flirting up a bloody storm! Ooh it’s so exciting, right? Don’t worry, if anything happens between us, you won’t be left out or anything; I’ll make sure of that. Anyway, I’m off to bed to dream about how I can bag him! Night chick!’

  She hugged me then tottered off in the direction of her bedroom. It was like I could see inside her head: it was clearly buzzing with thoughts about Max and the potential relationship they could have together. While it was nice to see her so happy, I couldn’t help feeling like she was on a collision course with disaster. Not least because I’d snogged his face off recently.

  Oh Gwen, if only you knew.

  The next morning, I found myself in work staring at a very unfinished article on hen night locations as my brain refused to work. I was far too busy thinking about MistySparkles27 and Gwen’s doomed crush on Max to write about whether hen parties preferred Magaluf or Ibiza. In truth, I wasn’t arsed either way.