by Lynsey James
Love always
?
‘I appreciate you trying to make me feel better Ivy, I really do, but things are ruined now. I’ve lost Max forever.’
I hugged her goodbye, picked up my stuff and left.
When I got home, Manchester was pitch black, save for the pinpricks of light dotted around the landscape. I was so sad I could barely walk and had to drag my feet to get anywhere. I threw myself onto the couch and pulled out my phone: seven missed calls and ten texts from Max. Most of them said he wanted to know what I’d wanted to talk to him about and that he was boarding his flight to Paris soon but wanted to talk to me as soon as he got back. He also said I hadn’t been around much lately and that was why he hadn’t told me about Amira.
I hated to admit it but he was right. I’d been avoiding him recently, ever since I’d realised I was in love with him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see him – I wanted to be with him all the time – but I just didn’t know how to be in love.
I wasn’t sure I ever would.
Chapter 29
Early January and the hazy Christmas feeling disappeared without a trace. Some things changed and some things didn’t.
Max was still with Amira and sickeningly happy, by all accounts. He’d texted and called me when he got back from Paris but I’d deliberately avoided him. I knew if I told him what was really on my mind, he’d tell me he was flattered but that things were over between us and that would hurt more than anything. I’d missed my chance with him. I knew that now. Any notion of telling him how I felt about him or how I’d realised how stupid I’d been had gone out the window. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway and I didn’t deserve him to. No, I had to accept he was with Amira, let him be happy and move on. I might’ve screwed things up with us but he still had the chance to be happy and I had to let him take it.
Gwen was very loved-up with Jake. Although he didn’t buy her Louis Vuitton bags or Tiffany charm bracelets, he was loyal, kind and sweet and his love and affection for her came in spades. They’d gone to the north of Scotland to a cottage nestled by a loch belonging to a friend of his and when she got back, she told me she’d never had a better time with anyone.
Fran, meanwhile, had decided her life needed an overhaul after splitting up from Ryan. Although all her savings had vanished with him, she was making plans for herself. She was currently debating between a painting holiday in the south of France and a trip to Australia. I had to hand it to her: she was one of the most resilient people I knew.
Leo proposed to Ivy a couple of weeks after they were reunited and they were making plans for a spring/summer wedding. Although their children thought it was all a bit quick, they weren’t bothered: all they wanted was to spend the rest of their lives together.
And then there was me. After finding out Max and Amira were back together, I’d taken the decision to finally move on from the whole Mr Writer/Max thing. I hadn’t done anything rash like throw the letters out – they were far too precious – but I had dipped my toe back in the dating pond. I’d met Graham, a corporate accountant, at a wedding I’d been covering for Sleek. He’d asked me out for dinner and I’d agreed. It had only been a few weeks but I was starting to really enjoy spending time with him. He was kind, thoughtful and sweet. What more could I want? OK, so he wasn’t Max: that didn’t matter. Not in the slightest. At the same wedding, I’d ended up running into Dean Smith, the third Mr Writer candidate. He was now going by the name Desiree and had just taken his drag show to Benidorm. When I’d told him I thought he was Mr Writer, he burst out laughing.
‘Honey, I bloody loved you at uni, just not in that way. I came out when I was nineteen; I thought everybody knew!’
So that was it. My search was now officially over. No more loose ends, no more what ifs. The case was closed.
***
Graham picked me up from work on a mild and sunny morning in mid January. We were snatching an hour together while he was on his lunch. Our jobs were really hectic so our time together was at a premium.
‘Hey gorgeous,’ he said when I got in the car. He kissed me lightly on the lips and smiled at me. It was so nice to be appreciated sometimes.
‘Hey yourself! Had a good day?’
Graham proceeded to tell me about his day in the world of corporate accounting, which was… pretty boring I had to admit. However, he talked about it with such enthusiasm that it was impossible not to be happy for him.
‘That sounds great,’ I said when he’d finished. I felt bad because I hadn’t really been listening. ‘So where are we off to for lunch then?’
‘It’s a surprise.’ He grinned broadly then pulled out of the industrial estate.
As long as it’s not Brown’s.
After driving back into the city centre, Graham brought the car to a halt outside – yep, you guessed it – Brown’s. My stomach filled with dread. This was the last place I wanted to eat.
‘What do you think eh? I know some mates who’ve been here and they say the food’s amazing. Apparently they do a really good pear crumble.’
Oh I KNOW they do a good pear crumble. They also have a head chef that I’m head-over-heels for but can’t tell him because of his beautiful girlfriend.
‘Really?’ I said, trying to muster up some enthusiasm from somewhere. ‘Sounds great!’
Graham got out and opened the passenger side door for me, something he always did. He extended one of his large, capable hands to help me out and I took it.
‘You look wonderful.’
He took in my navy blue jersey dress and grinned to let me know he liked what he saw.
‘Really? My hair wouldn’t straighten this morning and…’ I blushed when I saw his stern expression. ‘Sorry, I’m still not that good at taking a compliment.’
He wrapped his arms around my waist. ‘What have I told you? You need to start believing that you’re amazing. You know, I still can’t believe I wasn’t even going to go to that wedding. I’m so glad I did.’
Graham tilted his head to the side and kissed me while I stood up against the side of the car. I heard traffic whizzing by and got a little scared in case someone was going to ram into us, but there was something about him that just screamed safe and dependable. He wouldn’t let anything happen to me.
Our kiss was interrupted by a voice from behind us.
‘All right?’
I instantly recognised it as Max’s and turned round sharpish, elbowing Graham in the solar plexus.
‘Oh I’m so sorry, are you OK?!’ I fussed over him while he bent himself in half and wheezed.
‘I’m… fine… fuck…’
I turned my attention back to Max, who didn’t look pleased to see me standing with a guy he didn’t know.
‘How’s tricks?’ I asked.
He nodded. ‘Yeah they’re great thanks. I, er, I called you a few times when I got back from Paris but you never got back to me.’
‘I’ve… I’ve been a bit busy lately.’ I gestured to Graham, who was now attempting to stand upright.
Max’s jaw tightened. ‘So I see. Take care of yourself Ava.’
He walked to his car without so much as a backward glance.
Once Graham wasn’t winded any more, we went inside Brown’s and took a seat near the back. It was busy and all the comfy booths by the kitchen had been snapped up.
‘Who was that guy you were talking to?’ he asked after taking a sip of his water.
‘Max? Oh he’s… just a mate,’ I replied. ‘I’ve known him since I was six.’
Liar.
‘He seemed nice.’ Graham tried to attract one of the waitress’ attention but failed.
‘Yeah he is.’ I fidgeted and stared around the room, thinking of a subject I could segue into. ‘So, um… crap weather we’ve been having eh? Today’s nice though.’
‘Well it is February. Talking of February, didn’t you say you have a big work function this month?’
‘Yeah, the Kiss and Tell Ball; it’s on the twenty-fi
fth. Our publishing group does it every year and it’s really good. They go all out and hire proper entertainment and everything.’
Graham nodded. ‘The twenty-fifth’s a Saturday right? What do you think about skipping that work thing and going on – wait for it – a mini break with me? We’ll have been seeing each other for four weeks then.’
That shut me up. It wasn’t often I was speechless but now I definitely was.
‘A mini break?’ I repeated. ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit soon for that?’
Oops, that wasn’t meant to come out.
‘Not really. I like you a lot Ava, and going away together could bring us a lot closer together.’
Yikes. The words “closer” and “together” had me wanting to run for the front door. Maybe I hadn’t changed as much as I thought I had.
‘Um… Graham, I’m flattered but we’ve only been seeing each other a few weeks. They’ve been a great few weeks, don’t get me wrong, but a mini break’s a bit sudden. Why don’t we go out for dinner or see a movie instead?’
He looked hurt but nodded in agreement. ‘You’re right; I’m getting a bit carried away with myself. It’s just… I’ve never felt anything like this before, Ava. That might sound crazy but I don’t care. I have a really good feeling about us.’
My palms began to sweat and lost their grip on the cutlery I was holding. They slid back onto the table and landed with a loud clang.
‘Do you?’ was all I managed to say.
Graham reached over and took my clammy hands in his, wincing a bit when he realised how slimy they were.
‘I do. We could be really good together, I think. Maybe we won’t go on a mini break just yet but it’s an idea for the future, right?’
I nodded. ‘Definitely!’
Uh oh, I thought, he’s used the F word: future. I was so used to thinking I wasn’t going to have a future with anyone that it scared me when the possibility arose.
Max came back into the restaurant, striding across the vast floor in his chef’s whites. Our eyes met for the briefest of seconds before he disappeared into the kitchen.
Graham dropped me back at work after a delicious lunch of prawn linguine and lemon tart (I’d decided to avoid the pear crumble and the memories attached to it).
‘See you later then.’
‘You bet.’
He leaned over to give me a kiss then I got out of the car. As I watched him drive off, I tried to silence the voice in my head telling me things weren’t right. Graham was a decent, hard-working guy and he wanted me.
I walked back into the office and plonked myself down at my desk. Now lunch was over, it was time to get working on my top-secret quirky Valentine’s story. After Paddy had put the kibosh on Ivy and Leo’s story, I’d felt like giving up on the whole thing. Recently, however, an idea had begun to brew at the back of my mind that I was desperate to use. It involved a lot of soul-baring and the letter I’d written to Max on New Year’s Day.
‘Didn’t expect to find you here! I thought you’d be on Cloud Nine!’ Fran joked as she joined me.
‘Ha bloody ha! Graham took me to Brown’s for lunch and it was very nice, thanks very much.’
‘Ooh Brown’s! Wasn’t it awkward seeing Max?’
I wanted to say ‘yes Fran, it was very bloody awkward. I had no idea what to say or do around him because ever since I figured out I love him, I turn into a prat whenever he’s around. I wish he could see I’m head-over-bloody-heels for him but being a guy, he doesn’t suspect a thing. Please tell me you’ve got some kind of baked goods for me?’
Instead, I went with ‘nah not really. Like I said, we’re fine with each other.’
Later that afternoon, Miranda came round with forms asking what we’d like to eat at the Kiss and Tell Ball and if we were bringing a plus one. These were usually given out before now; I guessed her affair with Paddy was distracting her.
Fran snorted. ‘A plus one?! That’s got to be some sort of cruel joke. As if the Kiss and Tell Ball isn’t bad enough right?’
I shrugged my shoulders. ‘I really like it actually. It’s a nice excuse to dress up and they always go all out with it; nice decorations, good music, fancy food. It’s better when you turn up with someone though. Being the only single one there’s like turning up to a school disco by yourself.’
‘You won’t need to worry about that this year. You’ve already got your plus one: the lovely Graham,’ she commented.’
‘Actually when I asked him, he suggested we go away together instead –’
Before I could tell her anything else, Fran erupted into a chorus of excitable screams.
‘He’s got to be serious about you Ava! I wouldn’t be surprised if he popped the question on the weekend away!’
I raised a very sceptical eyebrow. ‘Calm yourself, we’ve been going out for three weeks! I doubt he’s getting down on one knee any time soon. Anyway, I told him to hold his horses on the mini break front. It’s far too soon.’
Fran’s shoulder slumped and her face fell. ‘Pity, I could be doing with going to a good wedding in the near future. Since Ryan shat on my dreams, I won’t be walking down the aisle this year.’
‘And neither will I,’ I replied with a smile.
***
I went home to an empty flat. A green Post-it note from Gwen let me know she and Jake had randomly decided to escape to a country cottage because he was on a reading week at uni.
‘Lucky bloody you,’ I murmured with a smile. I’d never seen her so happy.
I kicked off my ridiculously uncomfortable boots from River Island and sat on the couch with a huge glass of wine. I deserved it after all the drama with Graham and his grand ideas for a mini break.
Just as I was settling down to enjoy it, there was a knock at the door.
‘You’ll just have to wait,’ I said to the wine glass as I put it down on the table.
I opened the door to find Max standing before me.
‘What are you doing here?’ My voice wobbled dangerously; I willed it to hold out for as long as possible.
He gave an affable shrug and grinned. ‘Nothing, I just thought it’d be nice for us to hang out for a bit. We haven’t done that for a while, have we?’
‘I guess not.’ I stood aside and let him in. ‘Listen, about today…’
Max put his hands up. ‘Don’t worry about it; you can tell me all about him in a sec. Believe me, I want to hear everything.’
He made his way to the living room and something struck me: he didn’t seem jealous. When he’d seen me with Graham earlier that day, he’d looked pretty annoyed – but now, he just looked like my utterly gorgeous, slightly goofy best mate who wanted to know everything about the latest guy in my life.
A few glasses of wine later, I was waxing lyrical to Max about Graham.
‘He’s a corporate accountant, works for some posh firm in the city centre. He’s apparently really good at what he does and keeps getting promoted.’
Max leaned forward to top up our glasses. ‘So he’s a hard worker then?’
‘Seems to be. Listen… I’m sorry I’ve not been around much lately. Things have just been a bit up in the air with work and…you know…’
He shook his head and picked up his wine glass. ‘It’s OK, I understand. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about getting back together with Amira. It happened last month; I finally decided to hear her out about being a cow and we ended up getting back together. I just figured that after the whole thing with me and you, we both needed to move on, you know? And we have.’
‘We have,’ I agreed. ‘You’re with Amira and I’m with Graham. No hard feelings, eh?’
We shook hands and I was sure I felt a little bolt of electricity travel up my arm when his palm touched mine.
‘Looks like I was right then.’ He smiled in a way that made me want to melt.
‘How do you mean?’
Max slipped his bear paw on top of my tiny hand and squeezed it. The gesture woke up feelings of f
amiliarity and longing within me.
‘I said a few months ago you were going to meet someone amazing and you have. What’s my prize for being right?’
I smiled. This conversation could be steered in one of two directions; I knew which one I wanted to choose but also knew I should do the right thing.
‘Whatever you want, I guess,’ I replied.
He raised his black bushy eyebrows. ‘Now that’s an interesting proposition. What, like anything in the world?’
I nodded. ‘Yeah, take your pick.’
Max thought hard for a moment. His tongue poked out the side of his mouth while he concentrated. Why did he have to be so bloody cute?
‘OK then,’ he said. ‘I’ll have a Ferrari. I’d like a red one, please.’
I giggled. ‘It’s got to be something I could actually get you! A Ferrari’s a bit out of my price range, I’m afraid.’
‘That’s not fair, you said anything in the world!’ Max protested.
‘I should’ve said anything in the world that I can feasibly afford. Go on, choose again.’
His eyes moved up to the ceiling as his brain started working again. It was adorable how much thought he was putting into this, given that it was just banter between friends.
‘Right, I know what I want.’
Please say me, please say me, please say me…
‘What?’
‘A time machine, like the one from Back to the Future.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘What do you need a time machine for?’
‘So I can go back in time and fix things between us,’ he replied.
My heart broke a little. Surely they hadn’t been that bad?
‘Oh really? What would you fix?’ I asked, not sure if I really wanted to know the answer.
‘I think you already know the answer to that. I’d stop all the mess about Mr Writer coming between us and I’d… I’d go back to the day I started writing to you again and I wouldn’t do it.’