Fall

by Eden Butler

  But Lily wasn’t a child. If she was honest with herself, she was grateful that Keilen had saved the property from the state. Otherwise, the home would likely have been torn down, with the state clearing the lot and doing something horrible like build a Trader Joe’s or an obnoxiously modern apartment complex. The views were spectacular, and the beach was clear. It was home to anyone who’d discovered it. It made sense that Keilen would want to live there.

  He finished his beer in three long pulls and tossed the bottle into a green recycling bin. Lily watched him, breath held just as she’d done as a teenager. Watching Keilen Rivers had been her sad little pastime, and as he discarded his keys and wallet onto the kitchen island, Lily felt the same stupid emotions come back to her. She no longer wore braces, and her boobs had finally developed, but there she was, still watching, and dammit, yes, still wanting Keilen.

  It was ridiculous to admit to herself. It was ridiculous to feel, but she was helpless, felt a little stupid that Malini’s interruption and Keilen’s own stupidity at marrying that crazy flakes nutjob really didn’t matter. Despite knowing it wouldn’t be forever—that wasn’t a hope life had ever given her—Malini’s outrage didn’t diminish the desire that flared inside her when he took off his shirt and tossed it onto the sofa.

  “Good lord,” she muttered, rubbing her eyes, a small flagellation that did nothing to keep her from continuing to watch him.

  She moved then, pouring out the lukewarm beer as she walked toward the back door, gaze still keen and sidelong at the house next door. Then Keilen stopped in the doorway between the living room and kitchen, and the smallest grin touched the left side of his mouth as he traced the middle of the wall. Lily didn’t need to guess what he stared at. Unless he’d painted over it, those markings he touched, the ones that left him half-grinning were dates and ages; horizontal lines that marked Liam and Lily’s height.

  Keilen touched each one with the tip of his finger, small brushes that moved up and up and with each graze of his finger to the wall, that half grin grew until the marks stopped and there were no more to count. Fourteen. That’s when her mother stopped keeping track of how big Lily had gotten. She’d been too sick.

  Detachment was easy for Lily. Aside from Zee, she kept people at a distance. Even Keilen, all those years ago, only got half-promises. Even if she’d meant them when she made them, Lily had known that time with him, if it had been given, might have been fleeting. She’d always planned to live on the mainland. She’d always planned to keep the past at bay along with the grief that lived there at her mother’s death. Even at twenty-two, kissing Keilen, wanting to be with him, had only been a temporary plan. But sometimes, when New Orleans was at its quieted, when her caseload was low and her heart ached for Zinnia, for home, Lily wondered about the what-ifs. Had the fire never happened, what would those two weeks have been like? Would anything that happened kept her home? Would she have stayed for Keilen? Who would she be if she had?

  He moved away from the wall then, stopping to stare through the glass doors at the back of the house, attention on the horizon and the dip of heaven and earth that washed the night in color.

  Lily shook her head, trying her best to ignore the beauty in his silhouette and the emotion just looking at Keilen worked inside her. She didn’t let anyone inside; especially anyone with plans on staying in Kaimuki. There wasn’t space enough for anyone in Lily’s heart. There were only shards left of it. Death had splintered it long ago.

  That was what she told herself. That was what she tried to remind herself as she watched that beautiful man.

  Keilen turned, face hard, expression drawn and she was reminded that contemplating what-ifs, for everyone, made little sense. He’d fought his own battles. He’d had his own losses, and they were on display if one knew where to look. They showed in his stance, his face. Just then, with Keilen’s hard expression worrying her, mesmerizing her, Lily realized she didn’t hold a monopoly on broken hearts.

  Chapter Nine

  Slivers of sunlight shone through the rotted patches on the decking from Keilen’s second story porch. Lily wondered if Keilen had noticed it. She wondered with more worry that the video cameras fastened around the property might catch her snooping. But curiosity made idleness pointless, and boredom invited prying. Surprisingly, Lily couldn’t help herself.

  The home had once been her mother’s. It struck her as odd how she could come onto this property, nosing around with mild disinterest and not be impacted. Not like she had been as a teenager. She’d never been able to touch foot on the property after her mother’s death. Now though, it had changed so much, so much time had passed, that her hesitation was gone somehow. Of course, it took her a week to get to that point.

  With Ano and Zee busy at work and Keilen absent from the property for several days, Lily was left to her own devices. She spent the first couple of days on the beach, working off the pasty cast late office hours had painted on her skin. But there were only so many Alessandra Torre and Deborah Harkness novels she could read before she reached the end of their backlist.

  By the end of the week, she walked around Keilen’s property, getting to the paved walkway that joined his property and Ano’s. The rain had ended the rest of the trip and kept her inside.

  Now, though, Lily was bored and told herself she was different. She had changed. In a roundabout way, Lily had every right to be standing underneath Keilen’s porch, counting the spots of rot and wear on the decking. Right?

  Rust covered the brackets and joints secured to the wood and there was a heavy layer of moisture built up at the base of each column. Lily didn’t touch the ratty joists or columns but took note of the mess she noticed and wondered if Keilen would be annoyed at her investigating what had once been her home without an invitation from him. But then, there hadn’t been time for one.

  As she’d watched him her first night back, longer than she’d ever admit to anyone, Lily thought he might have caught sight of her. He’d been slow moving after a second beer, and even as Lily lay in the guest bed, which gave her a perfect view of the old house and its current occupant, she counted the minutes it took him to nod off and the number of times he tapped his fingertips against his cell.

  Silently, in that room, she wondered if he’d work up the nerve to call her. He was resourceful, and Zinnia was meddlesome; she’d have no problem giving away Lily’s number. But then the minutes turned to hours and Keilen only moved from his spot on his recliner to toss another couple of bottles into the recycling bin before the house went dark and Lily was left to watch the slip of light coming from the dim fairy lights twined between the exposed beams above her bed.

  Now she investigated simply because she had no other things to do, not with Zee and Ano off to view a beachside venue for their wedding and Keilen’s Mercedes disappearing from the drive early that morning.

  She forgot the porch and its damage and went around to the north side of the property, looking over what remained of her mother’s garden. Once rosemary and basil had lined the edges of fat, thick rows. Lemon grass had separated the vegetation and the white pickets that surrounded the small garden. Now there was only a half-attempted garden that was more weeds and clovers, some dandelions woven between the flat rows, and bits of broken pickets bundled at one side. Newer lawn tools, a rake and two hoes of differing sizes lay forgotten and rusting on the ground alongside a half empty bag of garden soil.

  The small tool shed that her mother had built from pallet wood and heavy rope was little more than three walls with no floor at all. Lily curled her arms around her waist, steps careful as she looked over the property, flashes of memories coming to her like a wave, pummeling her with emotions she had not allowed herself to feel for a long time.

  She glanced toward the broken swing set Liam had built for her eighth birthday, then mended and secured again when Zinnia had been born, but Lily didn’t linger. There were more memories on that slide, even more on the swings, and she couldn’t allow them to overtake her.r />
  But ignoring the sensation and the heartache the property worked in her was impossible. She’d become an expert at pushing down the things that threatened to overwhelm her; there wasn’t need for any of that. It wasn’t useful, but even her shredded heart did not keep the memories from coming back to her.

  There on the now-broken swing hanging on one side from a forgotten pergola, Lily’s mother had taught her to read. A hundred feet passed the swing, on a patch of gravel and crushed concrete, Liam had taught her to ride her bicycle. And beyond the large patio on the first floor, Lily had tied a thin string of thread to her front tooth and made Liam secure it to the back door handle before he slammed it shut.

  “It hurt,” she reminded herself, irritated by the tears that collected on the ends of her lashes.

  “What did?” Lily jumped at the sound of Keilen’s deep voice behind her. Breathless, she rested a palm against her chest when he came into the sunlight from the darkened patio corner.

  “Where’d you come from?” she asked, hastily brushing a knuckle against her face. “I…I didn’t see you.” Her tone was sharp, and Lily reminded herself that she should be apologizing, not asking Keilen why he was on his own property. She glanced at his hand when he jingled his keys, then felt spectacularly stupid. This was his home. He owed her no explanations. “I’m sorry,” she hurried to say, forcing a smile that she hoped he believed was genuine. “I know I shouldn’t be here.”

  “Why shouldn’t you?” He came into the light fully, stuffing his keys into his pocket and smoothing down his hair at the back.

  “Well, this is your home, Keilen. It’s not mine…”

  “Lil, you never have to make excuses for wanting to be here.” He faced her then, standing just in front of him, but didn’t touch her. Lily fought dueling emotions—the one that wanted Keilen to touch her like he had her first night back, and the one that made Lily think walking away and hopping a plane back to the mainland as quickly as she could was the best course of action. She did neither and let Keilen come close, let him soak up the features of her face, like he’d been starved for the sight. “This is your home. It’s where you found your rest.”

  “No. Not anymore,” she said in a voice that was little more than a whisper. Lily looked behind him, to the large home that reminded her so much of her mother’s hard work and sacrifice. She glanced at the dead garden and the remains it had left behind, heartsick that her mother had been taken away before she could reap a large enough bounty to can and store the vegetables she grew. “No,” she repeated, clearing her throat. “It hasn’t been home for a long time.”

  She stepped back and Keilen followed, ignoring her when she made a weak attempt and hiding the tremble of her chin and the returning wetness in her eyes that she worried made her seem pathetic. She supposed she wasn’t as unaffected by this place than she first guessed. “I’m…fine,” Lily promised Keilen, giving up the struggle to hide her face when he touched her arm. “Really…”

  “You haven’t been back, have you? Here, I mean. You haven’t been to this place since she died?”

  Her reply got lodged somewhere in the back of Lily’s throat. That damn emotion got the better of her, made speaking impossible and she couldn’t manage more than a low grumble of complaint and a small shake of her head.

  It was apparently all Keilen needed, and he turned her around to face him, one hand firm, solid on her shoulders, the other steady on her chin as he lifted her face. “This is where you got your beginning, Lil. Doesn’t matter if it’s my name on the deed, it’s still home to you.”

  Beyond the property boundary, the beach was quiet. There wasn’t anyone crowding the sand yet and the tide was low and calm. But the rustle of the waves and the whoosh of each current fell around them like a melody. It had always been Lily’s favorite thing about this home—the sounds of the ocean and the lull of its movement. As a child, she’d fallen off to sleep every night to that music. Now it felt melancholy and sad, something she guessed showed itself in her expression. Keilen’s frown bunched the muscles around his mouth, and he stepped closer.

  “It’s not like it was when you lived here. That much I remember from the bus dropping you off every afternoon.” The frown relaxed, and Keilen moved his attention around the property—to the busted garden fence, then on to the half-bloomed hibiscus that lined the border of the lot. “Your mom, she must have been part fairy. It’s all I can figure. I’ve tried replanting and weeding and doing all the things you’re supposed to do to get things to grow.” He scratched his beard just under his chin. “Can’t for the life of me figure how she managed it.” When Lily didn’t reply, he lowered his shoulders, but kept his focus sharp on her. “It’s okay to be sad sometimes, Lil. Happens to the best of us, and it’s good for the soul.”

  “It gets in the way.” She hadn’t meant to admit that and instantly recovered, laughing at herself with a quick shake of her head. “Anyway, doesn’t matter. I’ll probably just get a hotel room. I don’t want to get in the way of the happy couple.” Lily took a step back, needing the distance from him. No matter how much she was attracted to him, Keilen wasn’t a distraction she needed. Besides, he still hadn’t explained about Malini. Zinnia had, but Lily wanted to hear it from Keilen. The thought surprised her. He had the ability to draw her in, to hold her focus, but Lily didn’t think it went beyond attraction. Now, though, for some inexplicable reason she couldn’t name, she wanted to know what had made him leap forward and marry Malini without much thought. “You know,” she said, failing to keep the teasing grin off her face, “all the happy couples.”

  Keilen lifted his eyebrows, a shift of emotion that moved between worry, then finally amusement took over his features. “Ah. About that…”

  “Zinnia explained about the pseudo pregnancy.”

  He nodded, kneading his shoulder as he watched her. “Did she?”

  “Umhmm.” Lily pushed down the irrational jealousy she’d felt at seeing Malini and Keilen the night at the restaurant and those errant emotions being back at her childhood home had stirred within her. She’d choose to keep those emotions at bay and opted for distraction and the endlessly amusing bout of teasing Keilen.

  “No baby and you married her? That was clever,” she said. Another insult, though minor, uttered without thought, and she glanced at him, relieved that he didn’t seemed to take her seriously. She walked toward the patio, pretending to be interested in the bamboo wind chimes that hanging in a line the far corner; they clinked and moved softly, the rocking music it made reminding Lily of the surf and sun and being home. But she didn’t want to keep herself from things that made sense, like being back. Like how deeply that stung her. Instead, she focused on Keilen and giving him a hard time for the stupid mistake he’d made.

  “I’m a good man, Lily. And I can be a little stupid about women sometimes. God knows I was about her. But trust is a big thing for me.” He came closer, the warmth of his body teasing Lily’s senses. “If I can’t be trusted, if I can’t have trust, there’s little point to making efforts. I learned that lesson the hard way.”

  Lily nodded, appreciating his words and the fierce way he spoke them. But she couldn’t take the look in his eyes, the intensity of it and decided to ignore what his words had done to her. “I could have guessed you’d end up with her the way you two carried on in high school.”

  “Could you now?” Keilen’s voice came from just behind Lily and she picked up on the easy tone, how he seemed more amused than offended.

  “Sure, why not?” she said, walking through the backdoor as though she’d been invited. Keilen kept up with her, trailing behind. “She’s pretty, in a sort of boil-your-bunny-rabbit-if-you-reject-her way, and you’re so…”

  “I’m what?” Keilen said, stretching out his hands when Lily stood in front of the kitchen island so that both palms rested on the butcher-block surface at her hips. She couldn’t move, not unless she wanted to push him away and, at the moment, with how Keilen watched her, how much he seem
ed to love her teasing, pushing him away was decidedly not what Lily wanted.

  “You’re…so…” She smiled at him when he cocked one eyebrow up, a small challenge she enjoyed accepting. “Sweet.” Lily straightened, pressing her lower back against the bar as Keilen moved closer. “And very…dependable.” She could smell the trace of mint on his breath when he slid his left hand to her back, keeping her still. “And very…very…” Lily moved her gaze over his features, looking for cues, signs that she’d pushed too far. When none came, she continued with her teasing, her heart racing. “Gullible?”

  The yelp Lily released echoed and rang against the kitchen tiles when Keilen pushed against her, his hand slipping to the curve of her backside so fast she hardly noticed the movement at all.

  “Dependable? Gullible? Hell, Lil, you make me sound a little helpless and a lot stupid.”

  “Oh, no, sweetie, I’d never say you were stupid.” Keilen tilted his head, eyes narrowing, but he did not move, not yet, seeming to wait for whatever insult Lily had ready for him. “A little thick about gold digging crazy women, but not stupid…per se…”

  Keilen grunted, a sound that was low and dangerous, but completely diminished by the easy smile he wore and the soft brush of his hand lowering down her back. “Per se…” he started following Lily as she tried darting away from her.

  It was silly and a little immature to play and tease the way they were, but Keilen did something to Lily she hadn’t felt in years. Being around him, bantering back and forth felt easy and real and honestly natural, so she didn’t remind herself that she was in her mother’s old home, that she’d been touched by death and its aftermath, that it was responsible for how she kept her solitude and reveled in it.

  Instead, Lily let Keilen tease her back, pretend to chase her as she broke away from him because it felt good to laugh. It felt even better to laugh with him.