by Eden Butler
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she said, sitting behind Lily on the bed, a comb working through her thick hair. When she spoke, her voice was calm, tone even but Lily heard the excitement in each inflection.
“How did it happen?” she asked, tapping Zee’s hand to continue when she stopped combing her hair. “Tell me about it.” She wanted the distraction, details, anything at all that would keep her mind off Lincoln’s backstabbing and Keilen…no. She wouldn’t think about what she’d done to him.
“Well, it’s was Ano’s idea. When the party died down and everything was packed away, his tutu informed him she wanted to talk to him about the wedding the next day. She had a menu prepared and had hired a band.” The bed shook with Zinnia’s laugh. “I think it was the band that did him in. He didn’t want his seventy-year-old grandmother picking music for his wedding. So he locked the door when she left and turned to me, all serious, and said ‘let’s go right now. We’ll find some place away from town and get married before anyone can stop us.’ I couldn’t find a reason not to and, I have to be honest, Lil, all I wanted was to be married.” She paused for a second, running her fingernails through the ends of Lily’s hair. “I never cared about the wedding. I just wanted the marriage.”
Lily smiled, turning to look at her niece. She looked different somehow, her features relaxed, her eyes bright. She traced the curve of Zinnia’s cheek and brushed away a curl that had fallen from her hairpin. “It’s so strange to me that you’re old enough to be someone’s wife. Your dad and mom…” Lily quieted, spotting the well that had started to collect in Zee’s eyes. “They’d love him. And they’d be so proud.”
If anyone could find happiness in this sad, cynical world, Lily was glad it was Zee. She deserved nothing less than to find her joy. She deserved to be swept away by the feeling of being adored, protected, by the passion and strength that comes from finding someone who loves you blindly.
“Lil, about Keilen…”
She shook her head, inhaling as she forced a smile. “Doesn’t matter. I only care about you and making sure you’re happy and safe.” Lily touched the diamond on Zee’s finger, making a mental note to congratulate Ano on his good taste. She’d watched them, surprised by the comfortable silences that fit them, by the way they seemed to know each other, love each other so fiercely. It was natural, ordinary, but so much greater than anything Lily had ever felt.
“What will you do? About your job and…New Orleans? Will you go back?” There was a glimmer of something that looked like hope shining in Zee’s eyes. Lily hated to disappoint her.
“I have to go back and fix the mess Lincoln made.” She didn’t look at her niece then. Zinnia had a way of revealing everything she felt in the shift of her gaze; it had always made Lily cautious with what she told her niece.
“But then you’ll come back.” Zee tilted her head, catching Lily’s eyes. “Right?”
“I…I don’t think so, sugar.” She tried to ignore Zinnia’s low exhale, but couldn’t keep from glancing at her; guilt coursing through her at the expression on her face. “Zee…”
“I just think it’s stupid,” she said, louder than normal. “He’s crazy about you, and you, Lily, I’m not blind. You haven’t been around much. I see the way you look at him. And that smile, Aunt Lil, I’ve never seen you smile like that before.”
“I ruined things. I broke promises. Twice. He’s not going to forgive me,” Lily told her, closing her eyes when Zee grunted, a frustrated sound that only doubled Lily’s guilt. “It’s best I go back to what I know.” She shook her head, gaze unfocused as she watched the horizon across the properties. “I always thought the island would give me so much. Like it was always waiting for me, even when the mainland called, I knew I could come home.”
“You can, Lil. Of course you can.”
“No. I can’t.” Lily closed her eyes, not wanting to see the water or the sand. “All the island did was take my family. My mother, my brother and…this place never gives you anything in return.”
“Lil…no.” She hugged Lily, arms tight over her shoulder. “New Orleans is no better with only those nosey assholes from the yoga studio to keep you company? You think I don’t remember what it’s like for you there? Work, work, yoga every now and again, then work some more.” She lowered her voice when Lily stared at her, temper flaring. “That’s not living. At least here there is us. Your family and…”
“And the memory of everything I’ve lost. Everything I let slip away.”
“And me, Lil. Me and the family Ano and I make together.” Zinnia didn’t hide her tears when they came but Lily knew what they meant. Her niece was not an emotional woman. Unless she was angry and just then, with her face growing pink and tears dotting on her cheeks, anger was exactly what Zinnia felt.
“I won’t be gone forever, Zee. You know that, and I…”
From the living room, a loud creaking shout sounded, something that reminded Lily of anger and frustration but not rage. She followed Zinnia from the bedroom, stopping at her side when they found Ano with his hands over his head as Leanni screamed at him, hands on her hips.
“Disrespectful when I work so hard to make a nice party. But you go off and ruin it you and that…that…”
“That what?” Zee said, walking into the living room. She stood in front of Leanni, chin uplifted as she shot a hard glare at the old woman, challenging her to finish the insult Zinnia expected. “You gonna call me a haole? My whole family has lived in Oahu for sixty years. What else you have to say, huh?”
The old woman’s shock at the volume of Zinnia’s voice left her features as quickly as they came and she returned her stern frown, looking up at the girl. “You work too much and my grandson won’t have any pépés. What good is ohana with no pépés? You will work too much and there will be no one to…”
“I will work,” Zinnia said, interrupting Leanni, “the same as my parents did and my Aunt Lily. She managed both, everyday doing all the jobs she could. Same as you, isn’t it? Same as his mother too. Ano told me, you had no man at all, neither did she. But you both worked cleaning rooms and cooking meals all while raising your kids and grandkids together, and when she died, you did it by yourself. Ano owns his own business, and his sisters and uncles have families and jobs. So why would I be so different?”
“It’s not the same, it’s hard work. You should stay home and…”
“And you should stay out of our marriage.” Zee took a breath, considering, arms folded as she stared at the old woman. “You raised your children and theirs. I respect that, but how you did the job isn’t the same as how we’ll do it. We’ll have to find our own way.” She nodded to Lily, then back at Leanni. “It’s how things work. We all have to figure out what works for us and no disrespect to you, tutu, but that has nothing to do with you.”
The room went silent for a moment as the two women face each other—Zinnia not blinking, keeping her features set, and Leanni watching her closely, then looking at Ano who only seemed able to smile at his new bride. Finally, the old woman sighed, unfolding her thin arms to hang at her sides. She shot a glance at the bookshelf, seemed to be looking at the newly frame picture of Ano and Zee kissing under a leis arbor.
“Will you give me a copy, at least?” she asked Zinnia, nodding at the picture.
Zinnia snatched it from the shelf. “Here,” she said, handing the picture to Leanni. “You have this one. I can get a copy from the venue.”
Ano’s tutu held the frame in her small hands, rubbing a thumb over the glass before she smiled, nodding at Zinnia and stopping to kiss Ano on the cheek. Then, she smacked his shoulder.
“You, get up and go to the market. I’ll make poke bowls with pineapple and lilikoito to celebrate.” She turned to Zinnia, nodded when the girl smiled, then continued to berate her grandson.
Lily laughed, watching Ano scramble as his tutu and wife worked to organize the meal prep and call their family over. She let them work, moving back into the guest bedroom to pull out
her suitcase. Across the property, Keilen’s house was dark and empty, no signs of him in the driveway or anywhere around the lot. To her right, Lily glimpsed her mother’s old garden and beyond that the stretch of horizon with the sun dipping into the water. She’d just been there with Keilen, bringing to life decades of fantasies. He hadn’t disappointed her. He hadn’t, in fact did anything but make her feel alive and needed and real again.
Lily sat on the bed watching the sunset, trying not to think about life on Oahu after she left. She wondered if Keilen would miss her. She wondered if she’d ever again think she deserved to be missed at all.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The large conference table was filled with a breakfast spread, New Orleans style. Buttery croissants and bagels of different varieties were laid out next to two trays of beignets. Lily stuck with a bowl of fruit, mostly pineapple, as Ellis went over the final details with Ron Black.
“Lincoln was approached by Kendell Warren. I assume you’re familiar…”
“Oh, I am,” Black said, lip quaking as though just the thought of Clairmont’s CFO left an aftertaste in his mouth. “Smart business fella gone to waste. He was married to my sister for fifteen years and lost his position with our company when she caught him with his secretary at their beach house. He’s been trying to get back into our pockets for five years.” Black tapped a pen against his empty plate, shaking what remained of powdered sugar from his lapel. “Miss Campbell, I’d like to personally thank you for your discretion.” He leaned toward her, extending a hand. “Ellis here tells me if Lincoln had gotten passed your password and into your iPad, then he and that rotten ex-brother-in-law of mine would have known our strategy and business projections for the next ten years.” He smiled at her then, rocking back in his chair. “Smart of you to keep those details off a paper trail.”
“Thank you, Mr. Black, I appreciate the confidence.” Lily liked the old man. He reminded her of her grandfather; both had white hair and smelled of chocolate mints. “Mr. Ellis and Landry were adamant that I be discreet with your files. I was happy to oblige.”
“And good thing you did,” he said, taking her hand again. He released her and slapped the table, disturbing the still-full trays of bagels and cream cheese. “Landry, if you know what’s good for your firm, you’ll make this one a partner and do your best to keep her happy.”
“We’ll be sure to,” Ellis said for his boss, standing to lead Black from the conference room along with Landry.
Lily bid Black another goodbye and wandered to the large window at the back of the room. The building overlooked Loyola Avenue where nearly every building was decorated with fall accouterments. There were fall swags over doorways—groupings of artificial leaves in golds, oranges, and browns and gourds in the shop windows. The weather had turned cooler, still warm for November, though, and Lily thought of the differences between the New Orleans and Kaimuki, where her niece had begun her life with Ano.
Most days, Lily kept busy enough that thoughts of Zee and…everyone else on the island did not consume her. It had only been a month since she returned and Lily had dug in deep at the firm, discussing strategies for the suit against Clairmont and the deposition concerning the criminal cases against Clara and Lincoln.
“Lil?” Ellis called, drawing Lily’s attention away from the window and the shower of crepe myrtles falling around Canal Street. She smiled at him as he stood next to her, hands in his pockets as he joined her watching the activity below. “Landry has conceded.”
“On?”
Ellis laughed, and Lily liked the sound. “You,” he said, expression friendly. “He has finally admitted you are an asset.”
From his raised-eyebrow gaze, Lily thought perhaps Ellis expected something from her that she couldn’t give. Maybe a shout of joy, some stereotypical girl reaction to earning approval from the good ole boys in the club. A year ago, she might have allowed a thrill of excitement to show itself on her face. Now though, she was different. Everything was different.
“Vital asset,” Ellis corrected. He turned, leaning against the window to watch Lily. “Are you interested in being a junior partner?”
Those impossible words brought Lily’s snap of attention to Ellis. Junior partnership? No one got that so quickly. No one her age, at least.
“Wh…are you serious?”
Of course he was. Ellis wasn’t a kidder. He was friendly enough, but professional. He’d never been rude, had in fact been a bit of an apologist when his partner did arcane things that differed with Ellis’ world view and there had been a lot of them. But openly joking or teasing? No. That wasn’t Ellis’ style.
“Junior partner and a forty percent increase in your salary.”
“Forty percent.” She didn’t need him to clarify. Lily hadn’t misheard. That was the dream, the goal every associate and working attorney shot for when they joined the firm. But Lily had lived with only the firm and her work to fill the days since Zinnia left. She’d scheduled her life around her work, and it had sustained her. It had only sustained her.
Zee had been right. This wasn’t a life, but then, what would be? There was nothing keeping her in New Orleans. Nothing but the work she did and potential that Ellis offered her.
He kept her under a watchful stare, a hesitant flit to his eye, something that told Lily he didn’t understand why she hadn’t reacted or why she hadn’t immediately accepted.
“Isn’t that what you want, Lil? A future with the firm? Or do you want something else?”
She watched Ellis for a second, not seeing the dulled angles of his round face. Not seeing anything but what lived in her imagination. Lily turned, pacing around the conference room. Through the door that led into the office suites, there were associates and legal secretaries milling around Landry as he returned to his office; several more congregated near the lounge. Everyone had a purpose—files in their hands, conversations, rapid-fire and focused. And Lily realized she didn’t know any of their names. Not a single one. Those faces—most of them men—were new; associates who’d just arrived, some more familiar but not one name came to her.
She could recite the entire graduating class from her year at Kaimuki High. She knew their siblings, where their parents lived. She knew the children, most of the grandchildren of her former teachers she’d spent years studying under. Lily knew who her neighbors had been from the time she was five until she left for Yale.
But she didn’t know all her neighbors in her building or the names of the attendants in the garage. With Ellis waiting, Lily realized, though she loved the city, though it was fun and exhilarating and a wonderful place to live, New Orleans was not home. Would it ever be?
“Ellis,” she started, stopping her slow pacing to face her boss. “Can I think about it?”
“Of course you can,” he said, and by the expression on his face, Lily thought he might not want her to wait too long.
She had a choice to make and no idea how to do that.
The five o’clock traffic had thickened to a standstill when Lily made her way out of the building. The weather had been beautiful that morning and since she’d never bothered to replace her Cadillac after it had been vandalized, Lily had picked up her usual habit of leaving her condo early and walking to the firm.
She was surprised to realize how she’d missed the city while she’d been away. There had been Zinnia and beaches that stretched out into the ocean like some kind of waking dream. There had been the memories that no longer destroyed her to remember, but there hadn’t been a livewire feel like there was in New Orleans.
There was finally a reprieve from the summer’s blistering temperatures and the artists and street performers gathered around crowds of tourists to pocket change and sell their art. In the distance, Lily caught the scent of confectioner’s sugar and the sweet, rich scent of beignets the closer she came to Café DeMonde. It was good to be home, even if that home was only a replacement for the paradise and the pain she’d just left.
As Lily near
ed her building, she spotted a Range Rover blocking the entrance and the one next to the pharmacy that neighbored her complex. The Rover was black, the rims large, and it reminded Lily of the audacious vehicles she’d seen Ellis and Landry’s college-bound sons driving around the city. She thought it was weird, that the building manager would normally call the police to get the vehicle out of the way, but then it was New Orleans and folks dealt favors like gamblers dealt promises. Lily didn’t think much of the Rover or why it was there until she walked in front of it and on to the sidewalk to find Kona Hale leaning against the driver’s side.
“Lily Campbell.”
He was stretched out, his ankles crossed but stood when she came near him, that ever-present smile widening the closer she came to him.
“You following me, Hale?” It was a little suspect to her, seeing him in front of her building only weeks after she’d landed back in NOLA after leaving his cousin hurt by her accusation.
“Nah, Lil. You’re not my type. Besides, I’m a little pissed at you.”
“Oh.”
Kona moved away from the vehicle, arms folded as he stared down at her. “You know,” he said, “I got you to the island hoping you’d stay there.”
“I never said…”
“Only to have you wrecking things, literally, and coming back.” Kona shook his head, feigning a disappointed frown before his features relaxed. “You alright?”
“Is he?” she asked, voice low. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, choosing instead to watch the street performers dancing near Jackson’s Square. She’d kept Keilen from her thoughts, tried hard not to let the guilt overtake her, but not all her waking hours could be spent working, distracting her from the reality of what she’d done. One conversation would have changed things. One conversation and an apology, but Lily was a coward. She knew that. Instead of taking what she wanted, instead of listening to her niece and her heart, she’d gotten on a plane and pretended she wasn’t leaving part of herself behind.