Even the distance of sleep was too much for him tonight. He needed to be near Rafe.
He pushed the bedding off and moved between Rafe’s legs to take his soft cock in his mouth. This wasn’t as good as getting fucked but at least he could think about something other than his own neediness. He swirled his tongue around the head and teased until a bead of precome rewarded him.
Rafe groaned sleepily and his thighs flexed under Hop’s palms.
“What are you up to?”
Hop hummed. He didn’t want to talk. If he opened his mouth, who knew what crazy confessions would come pouring out. He had too much to say and none of it would let him come out the other side intact.
To distract them both, he cupped Rafe’s balls and tightened his lips around the length of velvet steel in his mouth. He loved the way Rafe tasted. He’d become addicted to that spicy, earthy flavor the first time he’d sampled it. It was better than chocolate-covered strawberries and ice cream and marshmallows combined. He worked Rafe’s cock to get more.
Rafe’s hands gripped the back of his head, tangled in his hair, and his hips drove up.
“Fuck, if this didn’t feel so fucking amazing, I’d punish you for it.” Rafe’s harsh growl was exactly what Hop needed. He closed his eyes as some of his worries scattered like roaches in the light.
“It’s a good thing you know how to suck my cock, pet. Your ass is already bruised.”
Yes. His ass clenched.
“Maybe I’ll discipline you anyway, just for fun.”
Feeling so much better already, Hop increased his pace, milking Rafe’s cock. Rafe chuckled and groaned, caressing Hop tenderly. Fuck, yes, this was beyond compare, Hop wanted it to last forever, but Rafe wasn’t a robot.
His orgasm came too quick and even though Hop reveled in it, he was also sad it was over. How could he face the rest of the night? It stretched out in front of him endlessly. He licked Rafe clean then rested his head on Rafe’s chest, concentrating on the beating of his heart.
Rafe brushed hair off his face. “Feel better?”
Hop nodded.
“Me too.” Rafe was silent for so long, Hop thought he’d fallen back to sleep, but then he asked, “Why did you change your hair?”
Hop sat up to look at him. “I stopped trying to be what I thought Roland wanted.”
“Pink hair and heels, though?”
Hop flicked a lock. “It’s not always pink. Sometimes it’s teal or blue. I even went silver once. The heels came later, after I came out to Mom.”
“Blue, huh? I bet it matched your eyes.” Rafe rubbed his shoulder. “When did you come out?”
“Officially? About a year after you stopped coming to my rescue, but she figured it out long before then, probably around the time I asked to be Princess Ariel for my fifth birthday.”
“You love mermaids.”
Hop hummed his agreement and returned to Rafe’s chest. “Do your parents know you swing both ways?”
“It’s just Mom now, Dad died when I was fourteen. And, not exactly, I dated a girl in high school, but when Dad passed, my focus shifted. After that, I never talked about those things. I was too busy working.”
“You mean, too busy pulling me out of disasters.”
“Not just you. Even before we met, I was holding down two jobs, studying and following Roland’s directives. I was rarely home and when I was, it was to eat or straighten my brothers out. Then my sister had her accident and I started pushing myself even harder.”
“I always thought you were the guy my father replaced me with. I resented you and envied you too. Then you came looking for me and became this constant in my life when everything felt like it was out of control. I depended on you.”
“I know.”
“After a while, I developed a ridiculous crush on you.”
Rafe’s fingers flexed on Hop’s bare hip. “I knew that too.”
Hop sat up. “You did?”
“You’ve never been good at hiding your true feelings.” He cupped Hop’s cheek.
“Oh.” How did he feel about this new revelation?
“I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I had a girlfriend and you were so young, so troubled.”
Another long stretch of silence spread around them. Hop’s mind whirled. Was that why Rafe had stopped coming around? He hugged himself as a chill disrupted their comfortable bubble.
“I’m terrified of crowds,” Rafe said. “The crush of bodies around me, strangers everywhere I look.” He shuddered.
“Okay?”
“I didn’t want you to be the only one making confessions.” His gaze was soft and sweet and it reassured Hop a little.
“So, crowds? How big?”
Rafe moved to lean against the headboard and tucked Hop under his arm. “Doesn’t matter, even a handful of strangers is enough to set me off. A couple times in college I ended up having panic attacks because I kept trying to get over it. I’d force myself to do things like run for student council or go to rush parties. I’ve gone to therapy to get over it, but I still can’t handle them well.”
“You’re a club owner.”
“Yeah, I know. That was another obstacle I gave myself to prove I could conquer anything.” He shook his head cynically.
“Wow.”
“Gives you some insight into my inner control freak, doesn’t it?”
“Well, yeah, but actually, I’m jealous of your nerve.”
“It was just an unwillingness to have a weakness.”
Hop disagreed, but he kept quiet.
“Besides, you’ve got plenty of nerve. You dance every night wearing five-inch ankle-breakers. You keep your heart on your sleeve and don’t take anyone’s crap. You’re the boldest, most confident person I know.”
That wasn’t how he saw himself at all. “Really?”
“Yeah, pet, but what makes you amazing is the fact that you willingly bottle all that awesomeness up and kneel for me merely because I ask you to. It makes me dizzy sometimes. You are tougher than you know.”
“I don’t feel tough.”
“Haven’t you learned by now how much bravery it takes to submit?”
“I never thought about it like that before.”
“Start.”
“Yes, sir.” Rafe thought he was strong and brave. Hell, Hop wanted to be, wanted to become Rafe’s version of him. “My greatest fear is being alone.” He paused. “Not like in a room or in the dark or whatever. I can even take being by myself in the apartment for a while, but sometimes I start thinking about my mom dying or my friends abandoning me and I get these knots in my stomach.” More like suffocating boulders that made him feel like he was dying. “I’m terrified of living the rest of my life without people to lean on because I’m not sure I could handle it on my own.”
Rafe squeezed Hop tighter. “I’ve got you, pet, I promise.”
For now. How long would it last? That was the third time that night Rafe had promised to be there in the future. Seven years ago, he’d believed Rafe would always rescue him and then he hadn’t. Hop still didn’t know why.
* * *
Rafe watched Hop push cereal around in his bowl the next morning. He’d woken to the sound of the shower running and had found Hop, head bowed under the spray. His posture had been defensive and somber. Rafe hadn’t wanted to intrude, so he’d quietly left the room and gone into the kitchen to make coffee.
Now he wished he’d confronted the problem then, because clearly something was on Hop’s mind.
“Something bothering you?”
“No.”
Oookay. “Do you have plans today?”
One shoulder lifted, still no eye contact.
“Hop.” Rafe set his spoon on the table. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, why would there be something wrong?”
“You’re acting strange.”
“I’m not allowed to have feelings now?” He pushed his bowl away and crossed his arms.
“Have all the feelings you want, just share them with me.”
“You don’t need to know everything, sir,” Hop said with a sneer.
Both palms on the table, Rafe stood, slowly and with purpose. “Watch it.”
“Or what?”
“Are you testing me? Or yourself?”
A glimmer of apprehension passed through Hop’s overly bright blue eyes before he glanced away. “Neither.”
“Try again.”
The muscles in Hop’s jaw popped, but he didn’t speak. Rafe circled the table, pulled Hop’s chair out and knelt.
“Talk to me. I can’t help unless you tell me the problem.”
“I don’t need your help.”
Rafe pinched his chin and brought his face around. “Do you want me to fuck it out of you?”
The strangest expression crossed Hop’s face, Rafe couldn’t make it out. He looked...almost...hurt.
“No,” he said, voice cracking.
“Hop—”
“Can’t I keep this one thing to myself?” Yep, definitely hurt. But there was also anger, frustration, self-preservation—all those defensive walls Rafe remembered but hadn’t seen in a long time. Hop had said no. Rafe should stop pushing.
But...
“I’m sorry, pet. I can’t give you that.” He kissed Hop’s forehead and rose to his feet. “Take your time. I’ll be in my office when you’re ready.”
“What? Are you serious? You’re going to keep me prisoner?”
“Not at all.” Rafe cleared the dishes from the table.
“So I can leave?”
“If that’s what you want.”
Hop pushed to his feet violently and stomped out of the kitchen. Rafe rinsed off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Then he calmly returned the cereal to the cupboard and the fruit to the fridge.
In the entryway, he found Hop staring at his heels, hands in fists at his sides. His entire body was tense and shaking. Rafe stood in the doorway, a quiet observer to Hop’s struggle. This was the moment. This was the choice Hop had to make on his own—stay or walk away. Accept or deny. Give in or fight.
“Why didn’t you come?” Hop asked.
“When?”
“Seven years ago, you didn’t come. You’d always come before and then you didn’t. Why?”
Rafe closed his eyes. “Is that what you’re thinking about? You think I abandoned you?”
Hop whipped around. “Didn’t you?”
“I didn’t have a choice.” Rafe took a step toward him, but Hop backed up.
“There’s always a choice, you taught me that.”
“Not that time, if I’d gone he would have cut you and your mother out of his will and put a stop to your allowance.”
“What are you talking about? We’re not in his will and he sure as hell has never given me a cent.”
“How did you imagine your mother could afford a two-bedroom apartment on her salary?”
Hop opened his mouth and then paused.
“He’s been giving her a weekly stipend since you were born. All those art classes you took? He paid for them. All those opportunities you squandered? He arranged them.”
Hop was shaking his head now. “No.”
“Yes, and you are both in his will.”
“He never cared.”
“No, he never cared, but he did support you. If he’d stopped, your life would have changed. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“Why? Why would he send you to take care of me and then tell you not to? It makes no sense.”
“Because you didn’t stop acting out, he thought I’d failed and you couldn’t be helped. He threatened to wash his hands of you and your mother for good, but I convinced him you’d made progress and you were going to school in another state. If I’d helped you again, he would have found out it was all a lie.”
There was still wariness in Hop’s eyes and an unapproachable curl to his shoulders. “So, you disappeared from my life and let me land in the hospital?”
“What?” Rafe’s stomach dropped.
“Didn’t you know?”
“Tell me.” Now he did close the distance, but only enough to grab Hop’s hand. “What happened?”
“I... I...” He shook his head. “Didn’t understand.” He hit himself in the chest with a fist. “Always searching for something but never knowing what, I kept getting into bad situations.”
“I’m sorry. I thought you were acting out to get attention.”
“I was, partially. But also—”
“You needed to be mastered.”
A watery gaze of deep, deep blue blinked up at him. “Yes. I trusted the wrong person.”
Rafe ground his teeth together, closing his eyes as shame ate at him. “How bad?”
“It’s not your fault.”
“How bad, Hop?”
“Broken ribs, severe bruising, internal bleeding, a dislocated shoulder, and minor cuts.”
“Jesus.” He pulled Hop into a hug, because he couldn’t stand it any longer, this distance. The image of a young, naive Hop beaten and bleeding would haunt him for a long, long time.
Because he might have prevented it.
Because if he’d paid more attention he might have recognized Hop’s behavior for what it was.
If he hadn’t been so focused on himself, if he hadn’t been so angry, if he hadn’t been going through his own personal revelation, if he hadn’t been such an asshole...
If, if, if.
He’d accepted his inability to change the past right around the time he’d made the choice to fight Roland.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Hop’s arms came around his waist. “Neither did I.”
“Spend the day with me?”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Both. I need space.”
Rafe didn’t like that idea. Not. One. Fucking. Bit.
But what could he do about it?
No matter how close they’d become, there was still so much history between them. And so many obstacles. Hop was still his father’s son. And Rafe was still struggling against the current that had carried him farther and farther away from who his father had raised him to be. Until he signed the contract, Roland Lockwood would stand between them—a threatening storm too dangerous and too clever to circumvent.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Sunday night at Ansel’s, Hop was quiet. Conversation flowed around him, but he didn’t pay attention. It was a good thing there were so many people around. Otherwise his silence might have been noticed. As it was, Z and Ansel bickered. Tam and Jae talked dance and the boyfriends discussed everything from motorcycles to renovations.
All these years, he’d thought Rafe had given up on him. He’d blamed Rafe for keeping him from his father, blamed him for replacing him, and even blamed him for saving him and then disappearing from his life.
Now he knew that not only had Rafe known about his crush, he’d also lied to his father to protect him. This along with knowing exactly how far back Rafe’s rebellion went meant...
Maybe it started because of Hop.
His heart kicked hard, did a jump split, and landed in a spin.
Ansel elbowed him, bringing him out of his musings. “What’s up with you?”
Everyone was looking at him like he was a bug under a microscope. “What do you mean?”
“This is your intervention,” Z said.
“What the hell?”
“He’s kidding,” Tam said.
“No, I’m not.”
“We’re concerned for you. Where did you go last nig
ht?” Ansel asked.
“I fail to see how that’s your business.”
“Did you have a date with Sugar Daddy?”
“Why do you care?”
Ansel moved to sit on Fitch’s lap. “You deserve to be someone’s Sunday not just a Saturday night.”
Whether he knew it or not, Ansel’s remark hit Hop where he was most tender, square in the chest. “Thanks for your concern, but if I want to get screwed into last week, it’s my life. Besides, I’m not looking for dinner parties and back massages.”
“If it’s just sex, why don’t you talk about it?” Ansel asked.
“Because it’s...private.”
“Is he fugly?” Z asked. “You don’t want us to know how low your standards have gotten?”
“Please, bitch. I’ve got heels higher than your standards, you’re one to talk.”
Connelly’s eyebrows rose. “Hey.”
“Sorry, not you. You’re cool.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“Don’t get distracted, Hot Fudge.”
“Azariah, babe, maybe you need to lay off. Hop doesn’t seem like he wants you prying into his private life.”
“Did you forget what happened when I pushed everyone away?”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” Hop said. “I’m just... I...it’s personal.”
“Is he married?” Jae asked.
“No, I’m not a complete idiot.”
“Then why the secrecy?” Tam asked.
“There are reasons, let it go.”
“Anyone who insists on keeping your relationship hidden probably isn’t in it for the long haul,” Fitch chimed in.
“Long haul? Who cares?”
“You do, stupid.” Ansel shook his head.
Ansel was right. He did care, but he still wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Denial? Not exactly. More like self-doubt and these new weird emotions he hadn’t had time to get a handle on.
“Like I said, thank you all for your concern, but please lay off.”
“We only meddle because we love you,” Tam said, hugging Hop’s shoulders.
“I know. That’s why you’re not dead.” Hop laughed to take the sting out.
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