by Vikki Romano
Closing his eyes, he let out a slow breath and rubbed his knuckles across the bridge of his nose, trying to clear his head.
He didn’t know Gage well and wasn’t sure how much, if any, of the situation he should divulge. He seemed a solid guy, and though there was really no boss in their new little club, he was the one in charge. Calder didn’t think it was wise to put Sierra in a bad light.
“She called this morning,” Gage said as he hopped up onto the counter and braced his hands on his knees. “She said she’d be in later.”
That caught Calder’s attention, and he turned with a grimace.
“Well, this should be fun…”
“It will only be as awkward as you make it,” Gage said, pointing to the chair, and Calder grudgingly sat. “I don’t know what happened, but you guys have been partners for a while, and friends at that, so you need to work out your shit before it destroys you both.”
“Yeah,” Calder said, stretching out his legs, crossing his ankles. “I just don’t know how to react now. I mean, we were close before, and now I feel like she’s a different person.”
Gage looked him over for a moment and shook his head.
“Are you going to tell me what happened so I can help?”
Calder let out a breath.
“I don’t know that anyone can do anything to help in this situation,” he said, then after a short pause, looked up to Gage. “Her man beats her.”
Gage whistled softly and pinched his lips shut. It was apparent the news didn’t sit well with him either. That was a good sign.
“How do you know?”
“When I called in last week to find out where she was, well, I went to her house to make sure she was OK. I mean, she just recovered from that shit at GenMed. I thought maybe something was wrong. She didn’t answer my calls or texts, and when I called her house, that fucker answered then hung up on me.”
“How well do you know him?”
“I don’t.”
“That seems odd, don’t you think?”
“Why?”
“Well, you two are close, you work together--I’d think you’d at least be acquainted with someone she lived with,” Gage said, and he had a point.
“Yeah, you’d think so. Eric is a real piece of work. Never understood what she saw in him. I mean, he’s a smart guy, makes a good living, but he treats her like shit. So the opposite of who I see her with.”
“You mean you?”
“No, wait… what? No,” Calder said, realizing what Gage was implying.
“Hey, she’s hot and smart. Total package with a gun. What’s not to like?”
“It’s not like that at all,” Calder reiterated. That was all he needed: more goading about his life. Not like things weren’t already setting him off without that added tidbit.
“Oh, like it never crossed your mind?”
“No!”
“You’re a fucking liar.” Gage laughed.
“She’s just a good friend,” Calder said, though even he knew he didn’t sound convincing.
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that. I see how you look at her.”
“It wouldn’t be a good idea, not while we’re working together.”
“Well, this club has no rules about that shit, just so you know. You wanna get some, I’m not going to stop you.” Gage grinned as he crossed his arms, looking down at Calder smugly.
“Jesus, crude much?” Calder said. And it wasn’t that he was angry at what Gage was saying. It was that what Gage was saying had crossed his mind more than once.
“What’s crude about it? The way I see it, getting some might tame that beast of yours a bit. Maybe letting off some steam will be a good thing.”
And then it hit him like a meteor, dead in the forehead. How would the monster react to sex? If battle adrenaline woke him easily, what would sex do? And what if the monster became uncontrollable? What if he blacked out, then came to and found a bloody partner in his bed?
Overwhelmed, Calder clutched his head and roared out of the room. Slamming his fists into the large metal door leading into the alley, he stumbled out into the night and took huge, gulping breaths of air. Leaning against the building next door, he dug his fingers into the brick until he felt his fingers bleed. The pain diverted his bleak thoughts long enough that he could catch his breath, but for how long?
So many things had changed because of his fucking augment. They were mostly for the better now that it was calibrated, but the risk for all of it was a big one. He could control it for the most part, but there were still unknown factors that drove it, triggered it in ways he could not predict. That unpredictability became oppressive in a way that only he could grasp. The burden of it was so great that he felt crushed beneath it.
Gage stood leaning in the doorway behind him, watching him. He could feel him hovering. When Calder finally turned to face him, Gage shook his head.
“You need to tell me what’s going on,” he said, his face stern. “I’m sure I don’t know what’s going on in that skull of yours, but no one can help if you don’t let us know.”
“Telling you would do nothing. No one here has this,” Calder said, slapping the back of his head. “As far as I know, no one anywhere has this. Who’s going to help me?”
“Just because no one has it doesn’t mean no one can help. Jordan understands the code. Maybe he can tweak it more to help you.”
“It’s not the code, it’s the fact that I have this thing in my head that could, at any moment, make me do something that I don’t want to do--without my knowledge. Do you know what that’s like?” His voice was loud and tense as he paced the small alley.
“I don’t, but I can imagine.”
“Whatever you are imagining, multiply that by a million and it probably doesn’t even come close. You talk about my having sex with Sierra like it’s a normal, trivial action. OK, yes, I’ve dreamed about it, but do you know what that thought is doing to me? Knowing that it could possibly trigger this? Knowing that I could wake up with her dead in my bed?”
“I think you’re jumping to conclusions. You don’t know what will happen unless you try it.”
“Try it how? Give a preemptive speech saying it could possibly trigger my murderous side, so please be aware of that while we’re fucking?” Calder laughed, and it wasn’t one of joy, it was one of madness. He felt the desolation this whole situation had placed him in, knowing there was a huge possibility that he’d never be able to have sex again in his life. Sobering as that was, it was nothing compared to the loss he felt knowing he’d never have her.
Gage gritted his teeth and let out a breath, then dropped his gaze to his feet.
“Do you see what I’m saying?” Calder asked, shoving Gage’s shoulder to get his attention. “I lie awake at night thinking of shit like that. How can I even be with another person knowing that I could kill them in my sleep? I don’t even trust myself most days--how can I expect anyone else to trust me?”
“I trust you,” Gage said, clasping his hands behind him.
“Why? Why the hell would you trust me?”
“Because I’ve been with you, up close, when you’ve been in that state. I see what it makes you and I also see your mind working inside it. On GenMed’s roof, you saw me and you saw Sierra and you knew intrinsically that I was on your side. If you didn’t, I can guarantee that I’d be a smudge up there like the rest of them.”
“That was a fluke. I was too concerned about her to even think to do anything else.”
“Then why did you kill the GenMed guys and not me? You had every chance to off me and you didn’t. I trust that. I trust that you can make sane decisions in that state.”
Calder shook his head slowly, trying to come to terms with that bit of information.
That night was a fog to him, a chaotic mixture of actions that he didn’t even remember clearly now. All he remembered was seeing Sierra, seeing her battered face and body and feeling the rage t
hat it provoked. A rage that was all-consuming. A rage he couldn’t control.
“It still doesn’t mean that other emotions won’t trigger bad things. My reaction is based on adrenaline levels. I can only imagine what the adrenaline levels are like during sex.”
“There’s only one way to find out,” Gage said with a smirk.
“This isn’t funny,” Calder barked. “I can’t even begin to consider something like that right now, especially not with her. Not like I want to be thinking about how I’m reacting instead of enjoying the sex. She’d think I was the worst fuck on the planet. No thanks.”
“So, try it somewhere else first.”
“It wouldn’t be the same. Different emotions entirely when you’re doing it with someone you love.”
“So you do love her?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do, and as I said before, I know you have some deep feelings for her. Why not act on them?”
“I can’t. For one, she’s still with that asshole boyfriend. Secondly, she doesn’t like me. She never has. Doesn’t matter anyway. My life is fucked up enough without more drama. I don’t need to fuck her life up too.”
He had to give up any hope he had of being with Sierra. It was too painful to think about. Too many emotions to deal with.
But when he turned back to Gage, he saw Sierra in the doorway behind him. She looked was stricken and angry, and he could see the hurt clearly in her eyes before she turned and ran back into the office.
“Fuck, Sierra, wait!” he shouted as he shoved past Gage and headed inside. She had gone into the control room and slammed the door, but he could see through the glass that she was distraught. She was clutching her hair in her hands, shaking her head.
He closed his eyes and let out a long, shaky breath as he clutched the knob in his hand. He could go in and confront her, but then what? She would scream or, God forbid, cry, and then he’d be at her mercy and there was no telling what he would say or do.
He deserved her derision. Her scorn. What kind of friend was he being for her? They hadn’t spoken since the fight he had with Eric. Granted, she had shut him out, but he should have pushed, should have made her listen. Damn it, what was he doing?
Determined to clear the air once and for all, he twisted the knob in his hand and approached her. He gave pointed looks and gestured with his head to the two techs who were at nearby desks, and they immediately got up and left them alone.
Calder grabbed a chair and wheeled it near to where she was. Sitting, he took a breath and waited a beat before he cleared his throat.
“I’m sorry,” he said, bowing his head. There was silence, and he half expected her to turn and punch him, knock him off his chair, but she didn’t. Instead, he heard her sniffle.
Christ, she was crying.
Calder clenched his jaw and looked up to find her gazing at him, the look in her tear-soaked eyes one of confusion.
“Why are you sorry?” she asked, her voice soft and delicate in a way he’d never heard before. So vulnerable. The sound of it sent a shiver through him, and the urge to haul her into his arms and just hold her was overwhelming, made him ache for her.
“I’m being an asshole. We’re partners, for fuck’s sake. I don’t have any right to tell you what to do with your life or even try to control it like I did, so I’m sorry.”
Sierra shook her head slowly.
“No, you had every right,” she said, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “It’s your duty as my partner to have my back, and you did. I just didn’t see it. I was so angry at you for what you did to Eric. And ashamed. Ashamed that you saw it and I didn’t.” She shook her head and looked away. “I kept telling myself that I deserved it, that I provoked him.”
“You don’t deserve that. God, how can you think that?” he said, sitting back from her.
“Because I knew what he was like. When we first started dating he was all charming and placating, but after a while, he just became demanding and hurtful. Nothing I did was enough for him, and I thought it was me, that I should have tried harder, spent more time at home.”
“Why?” He put a hand to her knee and turned her to face him. “What you do, this job… it’s what you are. It’s what you do best. No one should tell you how and when to do it. No one. That he made you feel like shit because you did what you did--he had no right to do it.”
“But he gave me so much. I mean, he was always there,” she said, and Calder winced at her reaction. The thought that she still had feelings for that asshole twisted his stomach.
“What did he give you aside from grief?”
“A beautiful house, a nice life…”
“Things that you could have given yourself if you gave yourself half a chance. Do you really want to live in the suburbs, play wife to some arrogant prick? For what? So he can shove you around and make you feel like shit about yourself?”
“It wasn’t always like that,” she said. “He’s different when we’re alone.”
Calder bit his lip. How could such a strong, beautiful woman be so blind and stupid? How could he make her see that she was worth more?
He reached out then and took her hand, squeezing her fingers in his before looking up to her.
“You have to know you mean the world to me, that you deserve so much more than what he gave you.”
Sierra gasped at his words and pulled her hand away, holding it against her chest. Was she afraid of him too? God, he couldn’t live with himself if she was.
She wet her lips then and looked away.
“He’s asked me to marry him.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Her words winded him. They nearly knocked him sideways, and he couldn’t help glaring at her. And he couldn’t help but be incensed by the look she gave him, one of surprise and confusion.
“Marry him?” Calder said. “Please tell me you didn’t say yes.” He looked down at her hand in a panic, but didn’t see a ring.
She curled her fingers away from his gaze and gaped up at him.
“I told him I’d think about it.”
“Think about it? For fuck’s sake, he beats you! What’s there to think about?” Calder shouted.
Sierra’s face went ashen. She got up and rushed out of the room.
Calder closed his eyes, his mind spinning. He couldn’t chase after her, not this time.
How could she even consider that asshole’s proposal? How could she be so gullible?
He clenched his fists and hissed through a locked jaw. He knew he was on the edge and needed to get out of there before he said or did something disastrous.
Toppling his chair as he stood, he headed down the hallway to the back entrance, but ran into Gage again and tried to push past him. Gage stood his ground this time.
“What happened?” he asked, holding Calder by his shoulders.
Calder ground his teeth against the onslaught of adrenaline coursing through his veins and looked up at Gage with determination.
“It’s over,” he growled. “She’s going to marry that asshole.”
“What?” Gage dropped his grip and stepped back, just as shocked as Calder was to hear the news.
“Yeah, he proposed and she’s considering. I can’t compete with that. If she’s that blind that she can’t see how he’s destroying her, then I have to let her go. There’s nothing I can do to stop her.”
Gage shook his head and blew out a breath, clasping his fingers behind his head.
“Holy fuck,” Gage said. “I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I, but I can’t stay here right now. I need to get out of here. I’ll check in later.”
“Do what you need to do, man.” Gage nodded, gesturing to the alley. “If you need me, call me.”
Calder gave an abrupt nod and took off down the alley. His rig was parked on the far side of the building, so the quick sprint would help burn off some of his pent-up anger.
Reaching his
rig far too quickly, he leaned against the hood and caught his breath. Sierra’s words rang in his mind, driving his level of madness to a breaking point. He was tempted to seek out Eric and remove him from the picture, but that would only make matters worse. Sierra would never speak to him again. Then again, he wasn’t sure she was speaking to him now.
Swinging into the seat, he slammed the door shut and thumbed the ignition. The rig roared to life, the hum of the engine reverberating through his body. He scrolled through his HUD and requested an S2-level altitude clearance. He needed to be off the streets and above the noise. He needed to get airborne. After a few moments, he was given a clearance code and he fed it into his onboard system.
As the rig adjusted for air travel, Calder scrolled through his music, opting for some mind-altering classics. When Lita Ford’s “Can’t Catch Me” broke through the sound system, Calder engaged the jets, slammed the throttle to the dash, and took off into the sky.
S2 level was reserved for med units and other emergency rigs, but as a cleared special forces vehicle, Calder could make use of the sky area to relieve some tension. If ever there was a time he needed it, it was now.
He banked high and arched around the handful of vehicles running at normal speeds in the travel area, and headed into the higher atmosphere where the traffic thinned with the air. Here he could let loose and open up his jets to full. He reveled in the feel of being pushed into his seat as he burst forward. The rig wasn’t equipped with atmospherics to be able to go above the stratosphere, but he pushed it higher until the pressure in his cabin began to spike and the HUD began sparkling with warnings.
He ran his fingers over the dash and punched a few buttons, engaging the decompression unit and turning off the alarms as the glow from the noctilucent clouds in the mesosphere above him filled the cabin with a dull gray light. He muted the music and pulled the throttle back, allowing his rig to drift high above the travel lanes.