by Vikki Romano
She pulled his face back to hers, took his lips once more, and he was beyond delirious. He had been waiting for this moment for a lifetime. Now he wanted this kiss to last a lifetime and more.
As their tongues moved in an intimate dance, he closed his eyes and unfolded into her, his mind connecting to her in a way he could have never imagined.
There was a burst of brilliant sound and color, every sensation in his body thrumming through him, magnified by this connection with her. It swirled and pulsed with the rhythm of their synchronized heartbeats until he felt like his heart was about to burst and, just as quickly, she pushed away.
Breathless, he rolled off her and draped an arm over his face.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. What was he thinking? Here she was, terrified of her augment, and he’d just dived right in. What an asshole he was.
“I’m not.” Her voice was soft, but he heard her.
Dropping his arm, he turned to find her looking at him, her eyes sparkling.
“What?”
“I’m surprised it worked,” she said, a soft smile touching her lips.
“What are you talking about?”
“I tried to relax in the bath, but the more I tried to relax, the more tense I got. Lying here, all I could think about was the fact that I was lying here alone, scared, no idea where my life was going with this thing in my head… and I started to think about you, wishing you’d come in her and talk to me. Wishing you’d take the fear away, like you always did.”
That made his heart clench. She had connected to him, using her augment to cry out to him, even when she was so afraid of it. She’d risked her own fear to pull him in.
He reached a hand out and trailed his fingers down her cheek.
“Sierra.” He shook his head. “I will always be here if you need me, you know that. Anything you need from me.”
“It’s you I need,” she said, searching his face.
It had been so long since he had felt this, and he had to admit to himself, he’d never have a connection to any other person like he could with her--but the augment scared her. It was a part of her that she hated, he knew that down to his bones. And that one thing would be the reason for their affinity.
Closing his eyes and letting out a breath, he rolled away from her and moved off the bed.
“I can’t do this to you,” he said, stalking to the bathroom.
“Do what?” She was right behind him.
“Put you through this,” he said, turning to her. “I’m no good at this, Sierra.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This,” he said, gesturing between them. “Us. I don’t do… this. I could never…”
“Never what?”
“Love someone,” he shouted, catching her off guard.
“Well, Jesus Christ, Calder, I didn’t ask you to marry me.”
Hearing those words from her did something to him, made him catch his breath.
“Wait, are you seeing someone else?” she asked.
Calder grasped the sink and hung his head. He had dreamed about being with her for so many years. What the fuck was he doing? She was practically offering herself to him and he was turning away from her, denying her.
“No, I’m not seeing someone else,” he said, his voice low.
“What, then?” she asked. “Tell me.”
He felt her hand on his back, the heat against his skin unnerving, but when her fingers trailed up his spine, it was more than he could bear. Turning, he pulled her against his body, his hands pushing into her lush, dark hair as his mouth found hers.
As if he was starved for the taste of her on his tongue, he savored her mouth. He relished the feel of her in his arms, and his body reacted in kind. With the adrenaline and lust rushing through his veins, every part of him hardened in response, and the hunger tore through him just as the heat spiked through his mind.
She was trying to connect to him again, and the lack of focus mixed with all the feelings flooding his mind and body made it a deadly cocktail, one that nearly derailed him.
“Sierra, stop!” He clasped her by the arms and held her away.
“What, why?” she asked, hurt flashing in her eyes.
“I’m not doing this.” He set her away from him and stalked back into the bedroom.
“What are you so afraid of?” she asked, her voice trembling.
“I’m not afraid, I’m just…” He turned away, rubbing his face in his hands.
“Just what? Please tell me.”
“I have been thinking about this moment for years. It’s just… I don’t want to bang you against the sink, because then I’d feel like I’d have to leave in the morning before you wake up,” he said, turning back to her.
Sierra nodded slowly.
“Wow,” she said, wiping her lips with her fingers. “Sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I don’t have what you need,” she said, and walked past him. She picked up her clothes, thrust her legs into her pants, and struggled to put on her shoes.
“What?”
“I get it,” she said, shaking her head as she fumbled with her shoe. “I’ve seen some of the women you’ve been with, and I can see how I don’t really fit into your roster. I mean, I’ve got nothing like that.” She glared down at her chest.
What the fuck was she talking about?
“Sierra, that’s not what I meant. Jesus, you have more than any of them could have ever given me. More than I’d ever want.”
She laughed. It was a dry laugh. Flippant.
“I’ve never managed to be feminine enough to turn a guy on. I get it.”
No, she really didn’t get it.
With long strides, he went to where she was sitting, putting on her shoes, and grasped her hand. Turning it, he placed it full against his erection.
“Does it feel like I’m not turned on? For fuck’s sake, Sierra, my dick’s so hard I can barely see straight. I can’t do it because I don’t want you to be like one of them. You’re not a throwaway.”
“A throwaway?”
He exhaled loudly and shook his head.
“Someone without permanence in my life,” he said.
“Why would you not want that? Have you never wanted to be with someone?” she asked.
He had to tell her. She had to understand.
“Before I entered the service, I was engaged to a woman that I planned to spend the rest of my life with.”
Sierra gasped at his admission and pulled her hand away from him.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”
“It’s not something I try to remember.”
“Why, what happened?”
“When she found out that I had been augmented, she killed herself.” Calder grit his teeth, a flush of emotion pouring through him. He had never told anyone about that event, had locked it away in the hopes that the memory of it would have died with her, but it never did.
“Oh God, Calder. I am so sorry.”
“I did that to her. I had the choice not to do it and I did it anyway knowing how she would feel. Knowing it would destroy her.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“The job depended on my being augmented. I thought that if she truly loved me, she would accept that, look past it. I never thought she would react the way she did.”
“That wasn’t your fault. What she did was her choice, just like what you did was yours.”
“But my choice affected hers, and after that I could never allow it to happen again.”
“So you dated disposable women.”
“I dated women I didn’t connect with emotionally.”
“Or mentally,” she said with a raised brow.
“That’s what makes you so special. You’re the only other augment out there. Just makes it that much more special that it’s you.”
“Now I understand why you can’t be with me. I ge
t it.”
“That’s just it,” he said, crouching in front of her, taking her face in his hands. “If I were to be with anyone ever again, I would choose you. And now that we do have this connection, it’s not something that either of us can deny.”
“So, wait. A minute ago you said you couldn’t sleep with me.”
“No, I said I didn’t want to bang you against the sink. When we do this, it will be in a bed, but not when you are still so new with your augment.”
“So you’re saying that you’re willing to give this a shot?”
“I’m saying once I’m assured you’re not going to fry my cranium in the throes of passion, yes, we’ll run with this and see where it goes. I just ask that you be patient with me.”
“I can do that, since you are willing to be patient with me.”
“Good. Now take off your fucking shoes and stay awhile. It’s late and we both need sleep,” he said, and kissed her quickly, coming to his feet.
“Can I ask a favor?”
“Anything.” He nodded.
“Will you sleep with me? I can’t lie here alone. I’m too afraid.”
The thought of waking in the midst of a nightmare with her in his arms had him shaking his head, but she looked at him so pleadingly that he knew he could not deny her his comfort and safety. He could stay awake and let her rest.
He owed her that much.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Calder wiped the sweat off his brow after loading the last of his food canisters into the cargo hold of his shuttle.
“You know we have guys who can do that.” Gage walked toward him, dodging workers moving about the area.
“I like to be involved, it keeps me busy,” Calder said. He pulled a water pack from his side pocket and took a long drink.
Gage leaned into the cargo hold and nodded.
“Getting nervous?” he asked as he took a stance next to Calder and watched the movement around them.
The loading bay was humming with lifters and cranes that were busy packing bins into the hold, and engineers were giving the shuttle a last-minute once-over before it was time to take off.
Calder shook his head and smirked.
“Nah, this stuff doesn’t make me nervous. It’s a mission, just like everything else. It’s a job. No time to think about it or get nervous.”
“Wow, really? Space makes me nervous. I think it’s that lack of oxygen. It gets me every time.”
“Asshole.”
“Yeah, I’ll miss you too,” Gage said with a laugh, and clapped him on the back.
Calder shrugged him off, and his eyes roamed over the loading area to the wall of windows facing into the offices. Sierra was sitting with Jordan, talking, and he could see that he was running some sort of diagnostics on her. She looked calm, and that gave him some relief.
Since that night last week when she’d come to him and they shared their connection, she had nearly disarmed him with her ability to delve right into it beyond her fear.
Now he worried that she would deteriorate while he was away. They had spent every waking moment together talking about what the augment could do and how he could help her to utilize it to her advantage. Jordan had also spent more time with her, putting her through training drills, using parameters that Calder had drawn up as reference. And she slowly got comfortable with it, enough that she no longer stiffened when he connected to her. In fact, it was him that now stiffened when she connected to him, but for entirely different reasons.
“How are things going?” Gage asked as he followed Calder’s gaze across the room to her.
“Good, I think. She’s learning how to control it better now. Jordan’s been a big help.”
“No, I mean between you two.”
“Oh, yeah. We’re OK, I think. I mean, it’s only been a week and I don’t want to rush into it, you know, especially with all this going on now.”
“Yeah, this makes it hard. You think she’s going to be all right with you gone?”
“She has to be. She has no choice. I mean, she can still talk to me, and as far as I know, we can still connect to some extent, but I don’t know how far the transmission will travel.”
“That’s some freaky shit,” Gage said, shaking his head. “Have you guys…?” He held out a hand, questioning.
Calder glared at him. Not like he wanted to discuss his sex life with Gage. It was none of his business.
“How can you not hit that? And she stayed with you for, like, three days.”
“I don’t want her to be just another fuck,” Calder said, and took another drink of water. “Plus, emotional situations are touchy, you know? Get your heart beating like that and it sets off your augment. I don’t want to put her in that situation. It’s bad enough that she has to deal with having it and can’t control it yet.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, it’s triggered by adrenaline. What do you think rushes through your body when your dick gets hard? Same for women--she’d get the same adrenaline rush, and God only knows what would happen if we went all out. As appealing as that is to me right now, I just can’t. I can’t risk that with her. She doesn’t need to be more afraid.”
“Oh, I don’t know, I think I’d risk it for that,” Gage said, eyeing her across the room with a lusty smile.
Calder’s fists balled on their own. He had to stop himself from ramming Gage into the wall and pummeling him. Glaring, he pushed past him and went back into the cargo hold.
“Jesus, relax,” Gage said, ducking beneath the bulkhead to come in behind him. “Hey, do whatever you think is right.”
“Can we not talk about this right now? I have things to do.”
Gage nodded, giving him a chuckle.
“Sorry, man.”
“Hand me that pack over there.” He pointed, and Gage hoisted the large duffel and handed it to him. Calder lifted it over his head and stuffed it into an overhead bin.
“Do you have everything?” Gage asked, handing him another bag.
Calder took it and stuffed it into the bin before shutting it and locking it.
“Yeah--aside from clothes and food, I don’t need much else.”
“Ordinance?”
“Already packed in the forward hold. Cooper installed some additional hardware into the comm as well, and ran through it with me.”
“I’m assuming coordinates are already programmed?”
“Yeah, everything is done. The flight team is running the last checks now.”
“When do you leave?” Gage asked, following Calder out of the cargo room, through the berth, and into the flight cabin.
Calder dropped a tablet on the deck, shrugged off his jacket, and tossed it into the pilot seat. He flipped his wrist and checked the time.
“Forty-five minutes.”
“Not a lot of time,” Gage said, taking a seat in the copilot’s seat.
“No,” Calder said, then, girding himself, he turned back to Gage. “I need to ask you a favor.”
“Sure, anything.”
“Watch her when I’m gone. Make sure she’s not alone. I don’t want her to do anything stupid when she’s restless.”
“I can do that. Is she still staying at your place?”
“No. She went back to clean out her stuff from Eric’s old place, but she’s more than welcome to stay at my place if she needs to. She has a key.”
“Really?” Gage asked.
“She had no place to stay. I wasn’t about to throw her out. It was nothing like that.”
“OK, OK,” Gage said, holding up his hands in defeat. “She can stay with me. I have an extra room.”
“No.” Calder gave him a serious look and shook his head. “She’s fine at my place for now. Maybe you can help her find a new place of her own while I’m gone.”
“Whatever you want, chief,” Gage said, then got up from the seat and followed Gage back through the cargo hold and out onto the loading area.
As calm as he let on that he was, inside he was churning. Missions into space were nothing to him. Like he’d said, it was just another job. It was the leaving her so soon, that was what troubled him. Going up there, he was in effect cutting off her one lifeline. This was a crucial time for her. For them. This departure could destroy everything.
He knew Gage would keep an eye out for her, as would the rest of the team. He just hoped that she would go to someone if she felt frightened or alone.
The mission, based on flight plans and timing, would take three weeks. It wasn’t a lot of time, but just enough that it worried him. The mission was an important one for him and for the team. He couldn’t turn it down.
As preflight checks wound down and the countdown was put up on the overhead, he exited and walked to the far side of the bay. She had made her way out from the offices and was watching him as he loaded the last of his bags onto the shuttle. He was happy to see that she had come out on her own. He knew how hard this was for her.
“Almost time,” she said, her voice soft.
He could see the sadness and trepidation in her eyes and it tore at him that he not only couldn’t help her, but he was the one who put it there.
Pulling her to him, he wrapped his arms around her and buried his nose in hair. God, it hurt to let this go.
She squeezed him, then pushed back and looked up at him, her eyes misty.
“You have everything you need?” she asked.
“Well, no, but I can’t take you with me,” he said, squeezing her, and she smiled.
“Next time?”
“Yeah, when I’m not going out to blow shit up, you can come.”
“OK,” she said, and laced her fingers behind his neck. “I really wish you weren’t going.”
“I know, but this needs to get done, and it needs to be me doing it.”
She laid her face against his chest and nodded.
He laid his face against the top of her hair and closed his eyes.
He could feel her trying to connect to him, and he fought it, throwing up buffers and blocks, keeping her out of his mind. She pushed, and he could feel her tensing, could feel her struggling to connect to him.