No, you see — I understand how I lost him, and can sort of accept that and take my share of the blame. What I couldn't accept is the way he went about it — tossing me on the scrap-heap like that. Casting me out of the house like some broken kitchen appliance. It was done coldly, ruthlessly, and without any regard for my feelings. It was almost like he hated me.
The situation with Craig, the father of my third child, was totally different, but the sense of abandonment I felt was similar. I'd fallen pregnant accidentally. He wanted me to have an abortion. I agreed but didn't go through with it and he took this very badly. I can remember him yelling at me, red-faced and volcanic. ‘I saw the signs, you know. I knew you were trying to bloody trap me, you stupid woman. All those candle-lit dinners and that lingerie — good God — didn't you know? Couldn't you see you were just a quick fuck? Did you really think that a woman like you had a chance with a man like me? You're bloody pathetic. Don't try to get any money from me, either. Don't put my name on the birth certificate or there'll be trouble. I mean that.’ The door had crashed behind him as he strode out the door.
And you know, he was sort of right, too. I thought we'd make a nice couple. He wasn't much taller than me, and was stocky like me. I thought I could win him over — show him how well I could look after him. Perhaps he was right about the abortion, too. Maybe in the back of my mind I thought that if I had a child we'd end up growing closer. Pathetic when I look back now. I now know that he had 'short man syndrome’ — an over-confidence in himself — thinking he was God's gift to women. Did he have to be so cruel when he dumped me, though?
Abandonment. I know what it feels like and I'm feeling it now. I'm just not sure that Derek has acted in the same way as those other two.
I don't believe he's a bastard like Richard or Craig. I don't think he just came here for sex and left again. There has to be a better explanation. The sex part seemed like an instinctive act on his part and I'm not certain he was fully conscious at the time.
Yes, the puzzle of it is like an itch that needs to be scratched. It sits on my mind and won't give me any peace.
Another day of rain has dawned and it sounds like it's still pissing down in buckets. I don't want to get out of bed — don't want to face another day of cleaning up the mess in this awful weather. I want to stay in bed and let everybody else take care of everything.
In fact, you know what? I want to move out of here. It's time I got a place of my own. It's time Luke and Connie stood on their own feet. They're old enough, mature enough. I need some Meg time, badly.
That's it. Decision made.
I'm going to start a new life.
Hey — the rain just stopped!”
The journal snapped as Meg closed it with force. Making major decisions always lifted her spirits. Now it was time to tell Luke and Connie the news.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Meg was driving the dirt roads, singing at the top of her lungs. She was house-hunting again, and this time with a relaxed anticipation. There was no hurry at all.
She chuckled to herself as she remembered Luke and Connie's faces when she told them the news. Open-mouthed shock and horror, tears, and pleading were their response.
"Guys, it's been two and a half years. Connie, I know I've been getting snappy with you. I need time to myself. I won't go straight away — we'll finish the clean-up and I'll do some other things before I go, and I still have to find a place. You'll have plenty of time to get used to the idea."
"I still need help with the babies." Her voice was a wail.
"I'll come over often to help you. I plan on living close by. C'mon guys, it's not that bad!"
"It's Luke isn't it? It's because he doesn't hardly ever talk to you." She hit him on the leg and gave him a meaningful look.
"No, it's not that. It's sort of hard to explain." She paused and took a breath. "You know, after my marriage broke down, I had a lot of time to myself. We shared custody of the children, so I'd have long stretches of being on my own. It was the first time in my life I'd had that. I came to enjoy it. That's what I want again now."
"I sorta thought you'd help teach the kids — you know — reading and writing."
"I'd be more than happy to do that. I'll set up a school room at my place."
"How would we get them there?"
"Hmm. Why haven't the two of you learned to drive? That will be number one on the list of things to do before I go. Luke, you've been driving the tractor, so you already have an idea. We'll go and pick out a car for you — something that will hold six — and we'll make sure you know how to look after it. Hell, what the heck... we'll get two cars, one for each of you."
Luke smiled.
"Well I'm not happy about it, at all!" Connie's face was mutinous.
"I'm not your mother. I'm not Luke's mother. I'm just someone who happened to be here when you really needed help. You're well-set-up now. You only think you need me."
Connie had stood and pushed her chair back — making it crash backward to the floor. Luke scrambled to pick it up. "Well, I'm just not happy!" She picked up her knitting and flounced out of the room, banging the bedroom door after her.
Meg slowed for a sharp corner in the road, feeling the corrugations rattling the four-wheel-drive. The roads were deteriorating with every heavy rain period, and there was no one to repair them. They were only going to get worse. She'd have to factor that into the choice of new house — make sure it was on a road that wouldn't become impassable.
Two hours a day was the time she gave herself to find the house. Two wonderful, free hours when she would drive around in high spirits — but all the time still looking out for any sign of Derek.
The gate bore a sign that read "Place of Peace and Falling Leaves", and the sign itself was of high quality, professionally painted in gold letters on a cream background.
It was so high, this property, that she could see all the way to the Glasshouse Mountains and the coast beyond. The house was constructed from rammed earth like the other, but was slightly smaller. It sat on a plateau where there was room for the large shed, pond, vegetable patch and small orchard. The front of the house was mostly glass to maximise the effect of the view.
The kitchen had marble bench tops and European appliances. The flooring was high-quality stone of some sort, rough-cut. There wasn't a low ceiling in the entire house and it felt spacious and airy.
Meg was delighted to find the bed empty. There was a vacant place in the garage where logically a car would be stored, so she supposed the owners had died elsewhere. She figured that the body disposal wouldn't have been so bad after all the time that had passed, but was still glad nonetheless.
She inspected the sturdy fence that surrounded the property with delight. This was really a stunning place and perfect for her. She felt excitement growing.
The solar panels looked as though they had withstood the cyclone but didn't appear to be generating any power. Neither were the wind turbines. She would look through the files in the study until she found some manuals about them and see why this was the case. No way was she giving this place up.
Before she left to go back to the other house, she sat on the window seat in the lounge and looked out over the pond. Birds with v-shaped wings and tails swooped down to pond level, collecting insects from the surface before rising to the calm skies. She vowed to sit here every day for at least half an hour and listen to the silence which had the effect of a tranquiliser. She was at peace.
"Shit, shit, shit. How can this be happening to me?
Another damned pregnancy test and another damned blue line. How can this be? Technically I shouldn't even have been very fertile at the time — had only finished my period a few days before — or was it? Think, Meg, think.
Well, I guess it doesn't matter now, does it? Do you know what it feels like to me? A joke. A bloody joke. Someone's playing a hell of a weird cosmic game with me and I don't like it one bit. I'm definitely not laughing.
And it's not as though
it's an easy decision this time — whether to keep it or not, because it's Derek's child. Jeez. And where is he anyway? He should be here, be here for me and his child growing inside me.
I just don't want a baby. It's as simple as that. It's dangerous for me and the child. I also just don't want one because I've just found the perfect house just for me — away from babies. Away from people who are dependent on me.
But Derek has spent his working life taking care of babies and children. He has tended them lovingly and ensured their good health. How would it be if he returned, all fit and well again, happy to be with me — but then discover I had aborted a child — our child? How would that be?
I know what you're thinking. I could take the two pills and bring on an abortion and tell nobody. Keep it a big secret. There are two things wrong with that idea. One is that I need someone with me while the abortion is happening — Connie or Luke that is — and the other is that I am the most transparent and truthful person that ever lived, and I'd end up telling Derek. I just would. Silly, I know.
It's not like last time. This time I just can't decide.”
After an absence of nearly eight months, Bill and Ben returned in the helicopter.
Meg was at Luke and Connie's, helping with the children, when they all heard the tell-tale thwock, thwock, thwock of the rotor blades. Meg jumped for the rifle while Connie herded the children into the bedroom.
The men weren't carrying a note, but had bags that looked like they contained medical equipment. Meg relaxed and put the rifle on the shelf.
The new twins were examined first, followed by Maisie and Thomas. The men performed tests and entered results into a device that looked like a tablet. With Connie they took a blood sample and gave her a bottle for urine. Luke only had to give a blood sample.
When it came Meg's turn to be examined, the man with the medical gloves, the one that had been doing all the testing, pulled her left arm out straight and she expected him to take a blood sample. His intake of breath told her he'd seen she'd removed the implant again — a fact she'd forgotten. She snatched her arm back and folded it against her other one.
The second man, the one that had been entering the data and who wasn't wearing gloves, grabbed her hand again and pulled her arm out straight. Meg stood still in shock and was barely aware of them holding the machine to her skin and implanting another device. What she'd just felt was the coldness of the man's skin — the terrible abnormal coldness that was just like Derek's. Then, as one of the men moved away with his back to her, she was reminded of the way Derek moved on the morning he left. Just like these men.
She felt faint. Sensing a chair behind her she sat suddenly and placed her head between her legs. She saw Connie's dress approaching and a felt a hand on her back. She heard Connie telling the men that they'd done enough and should go now. They held out a bottle marked 'urine' and pointed at Meg, who blindly went to the bathroom and did what was necessary. Soon the rotors were turning and the helicopter disappeared.
Meg tried to get her thoughts in order. Facts: the weird helicopter dudes don't talk, are freezing cold, walk strangely. On his last visit, Derek didn't talk, was freezing cold, and walked strangely. Too much of a co-incidence. What the hell was going on?
"Guys, I'm stuck in a weird situation and I need to run some stuff past you."
Connie raised her eyebrows and sat down. Luke walked to the kitchen bench and leaned against it.
"I don't quite know how to start..."
One of the babies began crying. Connie sighed and pushed herself out of the seat. Luke waved her down again and brought the infant back to her.
"Just at the beginning, Meg." Connie sounded testy.
"I didn't tell you everything that happened that night when Derek was here. I felt it was personal at the time but now it's the business of all of us."
"Sounds serious."
"It is Connie. You see, I'm pregnant. It's Derek's child."
"Oh, my..."
"I didn't know what to do and kept putting off making a decision. Now I find it's too late to take the abortion pill. I really regret not taking it now."
"But..."
"Hear me out. You see...he was just like the creepy helicopter guys. I didn't realise until today."
Connie and Luke both looked at Meg with quizzical expressions.
"You don't get it. I'll explain better. Derek didn't talk the whole time he was here. He was freezing cold. When he walked out — when he left the next morning — he walked funny. I thought he was injured."
"So?"
"The guy who grabbed my arm today wasn't wearing gloves. It's the first time I've come in contact with the bare skin of either of them. His hand was like a block of ice, just like Derek's. They never speak, the same as Derek."
"But he normally does. He was just in shock or something."
"Don't you see? It's the three things."
"Meg, I think you're being a bit crazy. It was Derek."
"Yeah, I know it was, but he was different."
"So what are you trying to tell us?"
"I think they used Derek somehow to get me pregnant."
Connie laughed. Startled by the noise the baby detached from the breast. Luke smiled.
"Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but they've tried to get me pregnant before and failed. I reckon this was another attempt."
Connie began to look impatient. "Look, Meg..."
"No, let me finish. Think about it. I mean, who are these guys? I reckon the ones we're seeing are just a front for someone else — someone capable of manipulating our dreams, who made a paediatrician available when we needed one, who can arrange jets, helicopters, buses and hospitals as well as heart surgery. Bill and Ben aren't capable of those things. Someone is in the background, orchestrating it all. They don't want us to see them."
Connie was still looking doubtful, but Luke was nodding slowly.
"You see it don't you Luke? You don't think I'm crazy?"
He shrugged. "Maybe."
"So anyway, Meg. What are you going to do about this pregnancy?"
"I haven't got any choices anymore. It's too late to abort it using the pills. I can't think of any other way at this late stage."
"Oh, you'll have a baby too! How wonderful!" She began clapping.
Meg felt like slapping her.
Meg was overdue for a visit to the huge hardware store on the coast, so unloaded everything from the back of the four-wheel-drive and then drove it to the machinery shed to attach the trailer.
"Hey Luke. I've got my list. Do you know what you need?"
"Yup." He tapped his breast pocket and got into the passenger side.
"How about you get in this side? Practice for driving with a trailer."
He drove carefully down the rutted driveway.
"A bobcat with grader attachment. That's what we need. Fix the driveway."
"Fun!"
Meg smiled. Luke talking more was one of the nicest things that had happened in a long time. She figured Connie had been putting some pressure on him to do so.
"It's nice having you talking, you know."
He grunted, which reminded her he could decide to regress at any time.
"No, really — it was important to me — I sorta had a sense of failure about you not talking."
"Huh? Why?"
"'Cause I felt responsible for you — caring for you. Keeping you good if you know what I mean."
"Dunno why."
"It's always been there, that feeling. Anyway — I know so much about you just by how you talk."
"Like what?"
"Private school education."
He rolled his eyes.
"Ha! I'm right, aren't I!"
"Yeah."
"You have a deep voice. Lots of testosterone. I bet you liked sports. Football?"
"Union. And Taekwondo"
"But not only sports. From some of the things you say, more so to Connie than me, I can tell you're intelligent. I think you did well in your cla
sses. Mathematics?"
"Yup."
"Sciences?"
"Yup."
"English?" He held his hand flat and rocked it from side to side to indicate so-so.
"What did you plan to study at Uni?"
"Dunno. Sciences, I guess."
He made a turn carefully, watching the trailer in the mirrors.
"I heard you playing the guitar to Connie a few weeks ago. Nice. You sang too."
"You heard that?
"Yeah, I did. You've got a nice voice."
She was rewarded with a smile.
"But you know the best thing about having you talking, is that I've got another adult to hold conversations with. It's been pretty tough, you know.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"You're not going to stop again, are you?"
He laughed. "No."
"Promise?"
"Yeah, cross my heart."
They drove in silence for a few minutes.
"Do you know what's the most frustrating thing, Luke — about our lives, I mean?"
"Nup."
"Before all this — back in 2013, we had such access to information. It was immediate and constant. If you take me for instance, I could access the internet on my phone, tablet and PC, and was never far from any of them. It seemed I'd only just have to reach out my hand to find a device that connected me to all the information I needed. When I became the PA of a high-profile businesswoman, I depended on this quick access to data even more." She stopped and looked at some houses that were totally overgrown with vegetation. Soon many of the man-made structures would be decomposing into the soil.
"If there was a major event happening anywhere in the world, and I'm talking war, revolution, a new virus, catastrophe of any sort, the information spread across the globe in an instant."
"Yeah, I reckon I was a bit young to appreciate it properly."
"True. But to think it was only a couple of hundred years ago that people had to wait for boats to arrive from England before they could hear news that was already six months old. For such a brief and lovely moment in time, we had the internet and the world was wide open to us."
In Strange Worlds Page 14