by Linde, K. A.
But, this morning, I hadn’t even avoided their calls. I’d been in church. Admittedly, Jason and I hadn’t been particularly devout since Mav passed. But, considering the escapades from last night, I’d thought it would be good to put in the effort. Now, I was regretting doing anything if this was the result.
I parked my Audi in the garage and moved to the backseat to get Jason out of his car seat. Maverick’s parents—Ray and Linda—waited on the front step when I finally got him inside.
“What a surprise!” I said, mustering some enthusiasm.
“Sutton, so good to see you,” Linda said. She kissed my cheek and then bustled into the house. “Where’s my grandson?”
“Grandma!” Jason cried.
He raced toward her, and she scooped him up into her arms.
“Hey, come on in,” I said to Ray.
He tipped his cowboy hat at me and entered the house. I looked to the ceiling for patience and then closed the door.
“What brings y’all into the big city?” I joked.
“We tried to call,” Linda said.
“Right. We were in church.”
“You were in church all week? I was trying to find a time to come see my grandbaby.”
“Well, I got a new job recently, so I’ve been kind of busy.”
“A job?” Linda asked. “What have you been doing? Who has been looking out for Jason? You know, I can always come into town every morning and watch him for you.”
“Yep. I’m working at a bakery downtown. Jenny has been watching him. She’s the nanny I got last year. She’s been with him a long time. He’s into a routine now. I don’t think you need to come into town to watch him.”
“Just because you have money doesn’t mean you should waste it.”
I held my breath to keep from snapping back at her. As if that wasn’t an argument she’d brought up with me nearly every time that I met her. Especially when Maverick had decided to change his last name to Wright. It hadn’t even been my suggestion. He’d done it all on his own and surprised me.
“Trying to keep the amount of change in Jason’s life to a minimum,” I told her instead.
“Of course, of course. You’re his mother.”
I walked past them toward the kitchen to keep from rolling my eyes. “Did y’all want a drink? Water, Coke, sweet tea?”
“Tea for me,” Ray said.
“Same,” Linda said.
I took a breather in the kitchen, preparing the drinks as slow as possible. I liked Maverick’s parents. We usually got along. But Maverick was their only child. After he’d passed, things had changed between us. I became their daughter, and at the same time, I wasn’t good enough to replace Maverick. It was messy, and I tried to tolerate Linda’s nagging. She meant well, and I was glad she wanted a real relationship with Jason. It meant a lot to me and to him.
After adding lemons to their drinks, I carried them out into the living room.
“Mommy, where David?” Jason asked from the floor where he was playing with his truck.
I froze in the middle of the living room, a full glass of sweet tea in each hand. I couldn’t believe the words that had come out of my son’s mouth. “What, honey?”
“David,” he repeated, rolling a W instead of a V.
“Who’s David?” Linda asked Jason.
“My friend.” He lost the R entirely.
Linda’s eyes widened, and she looked up at me. “Is this friend the reason you haven’t been answering our phone calls?”
“No. David works at Wright Construction.”
“And…you two are?”
I set down the glasses of sweet tea on coasters. I had not prepared myself well enough for this conversation. My hands were shaking. My stomach was in knots. I suddenly felt sick. It wasn’t like David and I were hiding what we were doing, but I hadn’t thought about having this conversation with Maverick’s parents. It was complicated enough without that added in.
“Seeing each other,” I finally got out.
“I see,” Linda muttered. She stood from where she’d been hanging out with Jason.
“Mommy?” he asked.
I smiled down at him. “David isn’t here right now. Why don’t you play with your blocks while Grandma, Grandpa, and I talk?”
He never argued with uninterrupted playtime. I straightened again and tried to steel myself for this upcoming conversation with my in-laws. It wasn’t going to be pretty.
“This is a new thing. David and I started seeing each other recently. Jason knows David because he used to babysit for me before I got Jenny. They actually are friends.”
“Dating already,” Linda said, fanning herself.
“It’s been over a year.”
“Replacing Maverick in a year. I can’t fathom it.”
“I’m not replacing him. But I’m young. I can’t mourn eternally.”
“Maverick is still gone. Our baby.” She clutched Ray’s hand, who remained silent through the exchange.
“I know. I miss him,” I said softly. “This isn’t easy for me. And I’m not taking it lightly.”
“Bringing another man into Jason’s life is very troubling,” Linda said. “It can be confusing, especially this soon. If you just started seeing each other and are affectionate around him, imagine what he must be thinking. He’s so young and impressionable. What happens if this falls through? Are you going to bring a cycle of men into my grandson’s life?”
I wanted to erupt on her, but I kept my cool. I knew where she was coming from, and…I was concerned about Jason’s reaction to me dating again. But I was in no way bringing a cycle of men into his life. I hadn’t even been ready to date a month ago. I was hardly going to parade people in front of my son. The only reason I’d brought David around him was because they already knew each other. David and Jason had an established relationship. I wasn’t acting reckless.
“I’m not going to start dating a bunch of people. I only just started seeing David. All of this is new.”
“And about that…how could you bring him around Jason when you just got together?”
“I already told you that David used to babysit.”
“It’s entirely different, and you know it.”
“Look, I know what’s best for my son.”
Linda huffed. “That might be true, but sometimes, we don’t always think through our actions. We’re looking out for you and Jason. That’s our main concern.”
“Thank you for your concern. But Jason and I are just fine.”
“Honestly, Sutton, I think you’re a little blind to this. Have you considered that?” Linda asked. “If you knew this decision was best, then would you have avoided us? Wouldn’t you have told us the truth?” She almost seemed near to tears.
My heart shifted from anger to worry. Am I dismissing her too easily? Had I held this information back from her for a reason?
I’d thought I was doing it because I didn’t know how they would react to me seeing someone else. I hadn’t really considered their thoughts on Jason. He was my son and my first priority.
I glanced over at him still playing in the living room. I didn’t want to confuse him. Maybe having David over…or dating at all would be confusing. Am I fucking up my son without even meaning to?
Christ, this mom stuff was the hardest job on the planet. I needed to see my therapist. I needed to…stop thinking about all of this. Of course Maverick’s parents would say these things. It was okay…maybe…probably.
“You know, why don’t we take Jason for the afternoon?” Ray suggested, finally speaking up. “We’ve missed the little tyke. And you look like you could use a break.”
I smiled wanly at him. “Y’all don’t have to do that.”
“We want to,” he insisted.
Ray moved into the living room and bent down to talk to Jason, who squealed with delight at the prospect of going out with his grandma and grandpa.
Linda rested her hand on my arm. “Maverick has only been gone a year.”
“He left behind the best gift you could ever have. And that means this isn’t all about you anymore. You need to decide if this is what’s really best for Jason…or just for you.”
Jason gave me a big hug and kiss and then left the house with his grandparents. Linda gave me one more meaningful look before departing and leaving me alone in this big-ass house.
“Oh God,” I whispered as Maverick’s presence seemed to permeate through everything.
Maybe she was right.
Fourteen
David
“I don’t know how many other ways to tell you. I’m not coming home,” I told Katherine on the phone.
She’d called a half hour ago to try to convince me to come back, but that was out of the question. She knew I wasn’t coming back.
“David, be reasonable,” Katherine said.
“This is me being reasonable. I’m on the phone with you. I don’t have to be. I have other things going on in my life.”
“Will you talk to Mom?”
“No,” I said emphatically.
“She’d really love to hear from you. It’s been so long.”
“I know that you’re on their side, Ren, but I’m not.”
Katherine exhaled noisily in frustration. “Have you at least decided about the wedding?”
“Are you actually going through with it?” I joked.
Her response was feral. “I don’t talk about your poor life choices. You don’t have to talk about mine.”
“Fine, fine.”
I could practically see her eye roll. “So, just come home already. Fuck.”
“You know that’s not happening. Why must you keep bothering me about it? I have a new job. I’m happy here. I’m seeing someone. Don’t drag me back into your shit.”
“You’re seeing someone?” Katherine asked. Her voice shot up an octave. “That’s new.”
Well, fuck. Now, I’d done it.
“Yes. It’s very new.”
“Details. I’m still a girl here.”
“She’s my boss’s sister. She’s younger than me. Younger than you actually.”
“Robbing the cradle?”
“No,” I said with a laugh. Talking about Sutton actually lightened my entire mood. It was so much easier to talk to Katherine about this than to discuss our parents. “No, she’s definitely an adult. She has a two-year-old son.”
“Whoa! Wait, hold up,” Katherine said in disbelief. “You’re dating a single mom?”
“Yeah,” I said cautiously.
“That’s crazy! I never would have pegged you as the type.”
“What type is that?”
“God…not type. But I just didn’t imagine you as a dad. It’s super weird to think about. I still see you as you were in high school. Thinking of you with a kid…that’s just…surprising. Are you really ready to be someone’s dad?”
Dad.
Whoa.
Okay, so I hadn’t thought about it in those terms. Yes, I wanted to date Sutton. Yes, I loved Jason. Yes, I knew they were a package deal. But the word dad had never really crossed my mind. And, with my fucked up past…it wasn’t really a word I was comfortable with. I was not close to my father. Not by a long shot. My past was complicated. Adopting a kid…well, I knew that had a lot of its own difficulties.
I swallowed back the rising panic in my chest. I knew I was getting ahead of myself. It wasn’t like I was going to marry Sutton tomorrow and pick up right where Maverick had left off. That was a horrible notion to even consider. She was hardly ready for a relationship. There was no way we were going to move into that route anytime soon.
But thinking about it was…not rational. I needed to shut down those insecurities. Because that was what it was…my own fears about my upbringing. And, if I wanted to see where this would go with Sutton, then I needed to give it a fair shot.
“You know what? That’s really none of your concern,” I finally said to Katherine.
“Okay. Fine. Whatever,” she grumbled. “Maybe I can see you and meet this girlfriend of yours?”
No chance in hell.
“Maybe,” I said instead.
My phone buzzed in my ear, and I pulled it away to glance at the text that had come in.
I hate doing this in text, but…I really don’t think we’re a good idea. It’s not fair to Jason, and I have to make him my first priority. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. I’m really sorry.
My heart stopped beating for a second, and I held my breath as I read and reread the text.
What the hell?
Where had this come from?
I just…
I had no idea how to even explain this text message.
Yesterday, we’d have an incredible day together. Everything had been great with Jason. Better than great even. Things had gotten heated, but I hadn’t pressured her to do anything. She’d wanted what was happening.
And, now…
Now, we were through?
If she really wasn’t ready, then okay.
But this…
Christ, this didn’t sound like Sutton.
I didn’t know what to think. Because I wanted to listen to her. I wanted to believe what she’d said. I wanted to hear her call for help and her cry of pain. If anything, I just wanted to be there for her. We didn’t have to get physical if that was too fast.
But all of this because of Jason?
Something was wrong. I couldn’t accept this explanation through a text message. She was hiding. She didn’t want to confront me in person. I couldn’t think that she would say the same thing if we came face-to-face. Maybe I was stretching, but that was my story, and I was sticking to it.
“David? Hello? Are you still there?” Katherine asked.
“I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Uh…okay. Everything okay?”
“Not sure. I have to take care of something.”
“All right. Later then.”
I said good-bye and then hung up the phone. My hands were shaking. I took a deep breath and then shook my hands out. It was perfectly reasonable for Sutton to feel upset after what had happened last night. I didn’t want to think so, but that was ego, not logic.
Logically…that was probably her first sexual experience since her husband had died. That’d probably freaked her out. It had probably taken her a minute to come to that conclusion, and now, she was pumping the brakes.
I needed to talk to her and figure this out. Because we could figure this out.
I hastily pressed the button for her number and put my phone to my ear. It rang three times before abruptly ending. I cursed and tried again. No go. She was avoiding me.
Okay. Drastic measures.
Without a second thought, I grabbed the keys to my Ferrari and was out the door. It normally took me ten minutes to get to Sutton’s house, but I was glad there weren’t any cops out today. I broke every speed limit on the way over. The Ferrari was made for the long stretches where I could open up and blow past everyone else in sight.
I parked out front and dashed up the sidewalk to her front door. I didn’t know if she was home, but it was as good of a place as any to try. I knocked on the front door and waited for someone to answer. I couldn’t seem to stand still. I kept pacing back and forth in front of her door.
When she didn’t answer, I knocked again. “Sutton? Are you in there? We should talk about this.”
I waited a full minute before I heard the lock slide open. Sutton creaked the front door open and peered out. She looked like a different woman from last night. Her hair was in a topknot, she wasn’t wearing any makeup, and she was in yoga pants and an old tank. I still thought she looked beautiful, but I hated that she was beating herself up.
“Hey,” she muttered.
“Can I come in?”
“Actually…that’s not such a good idea.”
I ran a hand back through my hair. “You can’t send me a text like that and expect m
e to just be okay with it.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I think I can do precisely that.”
“Yes,” I said, blowing out a harsh breath. “You can. You can if you want to. But I thought we were on the same page. Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“No,” she whispered. Then, she glanced off to the left. So, yes, something had happened. “I need to think about Jason here.”
“What changed between last night and tonight?”
She paused before saying, “Nothing—I don’t know—everything.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “I thought I was ready to date, but I’m not. It’s still too hard. I was married a year ago and happy. Now, I’m alone and miserable, and I don’t know when that’s going to change.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine this is easy.”
“It’s not. And it’s not easy for Jason either. Being intimate around him…even holding hands…I mean, what is he supposed to think?”
“We don’t have to be,” I assured her.
“I think you should leave,” she whispered with no conviction.
“Sutton…please, if this is about sex, I’m okay with waiting.”
She bloomed a bright red color. “No, it’s not about sex. It’s about Jason and…and me. Can you please go? I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want to leave you here right now. You look like you’re having a mental breakdown. I could take you to get dinner, or I could bring you dinner if you want to stay in with Jason.”
“Jason isn’t home. He’s with his grandparents.”
A lightbulb flashed in my mind. His grandparents. That must be Maverick’s parents, considering Sutton’s parents were both deceased. That meant that she had spoken to Maverick’s parents today. Had they somehow found out about us? Were they upset? Projecting?
“Did they say something?”
She choked on her next words. “I’m a mom, David. You don’t have kids. You can’t understand what kind of responsibility that is. I have to protect him. If I don’t, who will? Can you understand that?”
I nodded numbly. She was really set on this. After a year of waiting for this moment, I had only gotten a few weeks with her. I’d second-guessed whether or not I wanted Jason long-term when I was on the phone with Katherine. And maybe she was right; I wasn’t ready to be a dad. But it had only been such a short period of time. I was ready to be here for Sutton if she needed me, and I could grow into the other responsibilities. I hated that she felt that she had to protect Jason from me when he and I had been so close before this.