I used to make excuses for her behavior. I’d laugh and say, “What can you expect? She’s like her mama.” I’m not laughing anymore. Now I’m worried sick and don’t know which way to turn.
Tracy thinks I don’t know what it feels like to be young and in love. I do, but I also know how it feels to look back and regret something you’ve done. When you’re young and foolish, you can so easily make a mistake that will haunt you forever. It seems Tracy would understand I’m not looking to squash her spirit; I’m only trying to stop her from ruining her life.
I’ve seen men like Dominic before, and I know they’re not to be trusted. If a young man doesn’t look a girl’s parent in the eye, then you know he’s up to no good. The minute that conversation turned challenging, Dominic was ready to run out of here. If he’ll do it now, just imagine what he’ll do when real problems come along. It’s one thing to have a fling with such a man, but following him off to another state is something else entirely.
The worst of it is that I know Tracy means what she says about us losing her forever. She’s young and in love, and right now she thinks it’s the only thing that matters. If I try to stop her, she’ll stomp off in a huff, and that will be the end of our relationship. Once you cross a bridge like that, there are too many hurt feelings to ever turn back.
The sad thing is, regardless of what children do or say, they’re still your children, and you don’t stop loving them. Yes, there may be occasions when you scream and yell until you’re blue in the face, but even then, you don’t stop loving them.
There are times when I feel this challenge is way beyond me, but I’m not giving up. I’m determined to keep both my girls close and do my damnedest to see that they have a shot at happiness.
I pray Tracy comes to her senses and realizes this before it’s too late.
Sad Goodbye
It was after two in the morning when Tracy came home and found Meghan waiting for her.
“Not now,” she said wearily. “I can’t deal with anymore arguments.”
“I’m not here to argue,” Meghan replied. “I just thought you might need someone to talk to.”
“About my being a disgrace to the family?”
Meghan shook her head. “I think Mama and Aunt Phoebe have already beaten that horse to death. Anyway, I don’t think you’re a disgrace. You’re simply a woman following her heart.”
Meghan stretched out her arms, and Tracy fell into them. For a few moments they sat without a need for words, soaking in the bond of sisterhood.
Tracy was the one who spoke first. “I suppose Mama is pretty disappointed in me, huh?”
“I doubt that. She really loves you; it’s just that she’s worried Dominic won’t give you the kind of life you deserve.”
Tracy gave a cynical chuckle. “Maybe it is the kind of life I deserve.”
“Why would you say that?”
Tracy shrugged and turned away, but Meghan took her by the shoulders.
“Tell me why you think you deserve a life that’s less than wonderful,” she demanded.
“I’m not you, Meghan,” Tracy said. “I’m not smart like you. I can’t set my mind to doing something and follow through the way you do. Look at us; we’re as different as night and day.”
Meghan shook her head emphatically. “We are different, but that doesn’t mean one of us is less and the other is more. Yes, we’re like night and day, but nobody wants to live a life that’s all night or all day. Both have their place in the world.”
“Maybe being with Dominic is my place.”
“What about your job at the bank? What about the promotion to head teller?”
Tracy stretched her mouth into a tight line. “Ellen Bales got it.”
“Is that why you’re doing this? Because of a job?”
“No. I’m doing it because I love Dominic, and I believe he loves me.”
“Then get married before you go. Do it here, where Mama and I can stand beside you and see the happiness on your face.”
Tracy turned away and lowered her eyes. “Dominic’s not ready yet. He said he wants to be sure of his job before we get married.”
“Sure of his job?” Meghan’s words were wrapped in irony. “That seems like a pretty lame reason. If you’re married and he loses his job, you deal with it together like Mama and Daddy did. That’s the ‘for better or worse’ part.”
“Mama and Daddy didn’t deal with it together. In case you’ve forgotten, when Daddy needed help with the Snip ’N’ Save, you were the one who stepped in to help him.” Tracy gave a weighted sigh. “I’m not you, Meghan, and I never will be.”
“Why would you want to be? You’re not the only one with problems. I wish I had some of the qualities you’ve got.”
“Oh, come on, you’ve got to be kidding.”
“No, I’m not. Everybody likes you. You’re open and friendly. Even more important, you’re not afraid to let yourself fall in love.” Meghan’s voice had a quality of sadness woven through it when she added, “That’s something I envy.”
That night she crawled into bed alongside Tracy. As they lay there in the dark talking of a shared past and an unknown future, Meghan realized what a huge hole would be left behind.
“Promise me one thing,” she said. “Promise me that if you ever need help, any kind of help, you’ll come to me.”
“I promise,” Tracy said, then she turned and kissed her sister’s cheek.
That night they slept in the same bed, which was something they hadn’t done since the year they were six and seven. Back then it had been exciting for each of them to have their own rooms. Now, being together as they were, Meghan wondered why they’d ever wanted to be apart.
The days that followed were like sitting on a time bomb, knowing it could go off at any minute. No matter how hard Meghan tried to keep peace in the Briggs household, the slightest thing erupted into a full-scale shouting match between Tracy and Lila. It generally started over something small, like a dish left sitting on the table or the last cup of coffee gone from the pot, but in a few minutes they’d circle around to the heart of the matter: Tracy’s move to Philadelphia.
It didn’t help that Phoebe called nearly every day with another suggestion on how to handle things. First she told Lila to lock Tracy in her room, then she suggested packing away her shoes, because the girl couldn’t go running around town barefoot. When it got to the point where she railed about finding a reason to have Dominic arrested, Lila claimed she’d heard enough and said it would be better if Phoebe didn’t call.
“Not call?” Phoebe said in a breathy voice. “When my brother’s family is in need of—”
“You’re not your brother!” Lila said, and slammed the receiver down.
She had come to the realization there were only two alternatives, like it or not. She could accept Tracy doing what she was going to do anyway, or she could watch her daughter disappear from her life. Perhaps there would come a time when Tracy would have a change of heart, a time when she needed a family to turn to, and Lila wanted to be there.
With the weight of this decision in her heart, Lila climbed the stairs, rapped on Tracy’s bedroom door, and asked if she might come in.
“Not if you’re going to yell at me again,” Tracy replied through the door.
“I’m not going to argue. I just want to talk.”
Given the bitterness of the past few days, Tracy found that hard to believe, but she opened the door anyway. For the first time, she noticed the lines of sadness in her mama’s face as she stood there looking contrite.
“I’m sorry,” Lila said. “I’ve been selfishly thinking of how much I’m going to miss you when I should have been thinking about you going off on your own and starting a new life. Please forgive me and let me continue to be a part of your life.”
“Jeez, Mama, you’re always gonna be a part of my life. You’re my mama.”
That afternoon, Lila sat on the bed and watched as Tracy pulled things from the closet and emptied
out the dresser drawers, sorting what was going to Goodwill and what would be carried off to Philadelphia. Lila thought things like Tracy’s pom-poms and the teddy bear she’d had for fifteen years would be left behind, but, no, they were tossed in the boxes marked PHILADELPHIA.
Two days later, when there was barely a glimmer of pink in the sky and the sun had not yet crested the horizon, Dominic pulled into the driveway and beeped the horn. Tracy gulped down one last mouthful of coffee and hurried to the door.
Meghan came behind her. “I’ll help load the car.”
Lila followed them out and handed Dominic the cooler she’d filled with sandwiches and soda.
“Be careful driving,” she said. “And call when you get there.”
“Don’t worry, Mama,” Tracy replied as she shoved a collection of boxes and bags into the trunk.
Meghan had spent the night dreading this moment; now it was here. She stood there feeling as useless as a single bookend. The bitter chill of the early November morning settled around her, and she tugged her robe tighter.
“I’m going to miss you,” she said in a whispery thin voice.
“It’s not like I’ll be in Alaska,” Tracy replied, laughing. “We can still talk on the phone and text each other.”
“I know.” Meghan swiped her palm across her right eye to brush back a tear. A text was a pitiful replacement for sharing a cup of coffee together, and a phone call could never be the same as having her sister in the next room.
They hugged each other one last time, then Tracy tossed her tote onto the floor of the front seat and climbed into the car. As Dominic backed out of the driveway, Tracy turned with a happy smile and gave one last wave.
Then they were gone.
Long after the old car with a blue fender that Dominic never got around to painting disappeared into the misty morning fog, Meghan and Lila stood looking down the road.
“Do you think there’s a chance she’ll be coming back?” Lila asked.
“Not anytime soon,” Meghan answered solemnly.
Tracy
I know Mama thinks I’m making a mistake, but I’m not. Dominic really is crazy about me. It’s just that he doesn’t believe in doing things by the book. He said when two people really love each other, they shouldn’t have to prove it by getting married.
Okay, I’ll admit, I would have liked a nice wedding with a fancy gown and flowers. I would’ve asked Meghan to be my maid of honor, and she would have said yes in a heartbeat. I can just imagine how proud Mama would be sitting in the front row of the church watching us get married. But the truth is if I have to choose between a wedding and Dominic, I choose him.
That’s how love is. Give and take. Sometimes you have to give up things you want, but in the long run you feel okay with it, because you know you’re doing it for a good reason.
Anyway, Dom says that sooner or later we’re probably gonna get married, and when we do, I’ll know for sure it wasn’t something he was pushed into doing. He believes knowing that is a lot more important than worrying about what everybody else thinks.
I understand what he’s saying, but in my heart of hearts, I’m not sure I can see the merit of it.
A Remembered Love
During those first few weeks, there was a phone call or text from Tracy almost every day. She had so much to say about her new life. Dominic loved his job; they’d found an apartment; she was working as a waitress; they’d gone to the aquarium. None of it was especially exciting news, but it was a way of staying in touch. As weeks turned into months, the flow of daily updates slowed and then became little more than a trickle. E-mails that previously took a full five minutes to read were whittled down to a paragraph or two, and in time they shrunk to a single line. Texts were a few words followed by an emoji.
Nothing much happening here, Tracy would write, then ask how the family was doing.
Throughout that first year, Meghan buried herself in the day-to-day tasks of the Snip ’N’ Save. After the work that needed to be done was done, she began to create new projects: a mailing to potential customers in the surrounding towns, a special edition to celebrate the coming of spring, coupon pages for advertisers who couldn’t afford to run a quarter-page ad.
The town of Magnolia Grove was expanding—new homes springing up on streets that a few years earlier were vacant lots, businesses branching out from Main Street and the Chamber of Commerce adding new members, nineteen in a single year. To keep pace with the town’s growth, Meghan began to include new features in the Snip ’N’ Save. She started with listings of special events, then added spotlight features on local businesses. Before long, she found she could afford to take on an assistant and hired Sheldon Markowitz, a young man in his second year of studying design at the community college. Once he took over the layout and design of the magazine, she had enough time to call on customers and take them to lunch as her daddy had done.
It turned out to be the perfect arrangement. As ads came in, Meghan forwarded them to Sheldon, who worked remotely, and they communicated via e-mail. When the layout was complete, he sent everything to the print shop with a few keystrokes. Once or twice a month he and Meghan got together for lunch, and although it was supposed to be a business meeting, they generally ended up talking as two old friends.
She told him about her occasional dates with Pete Mulligan and the pharmacist who’d invited her to a dance at the Elks Club. He told her about his friend Sarah. At the moment, Sarah was just a friend, but Sheldon hoped one day to change that.
“We hang out a lot,” he said, “but I’m afraid if I try to ramp it up a notch, she’ll back away from our friendship.”
“Don’t be shy,” Meghan advised. “Shyness will get you nowhere.” She left off the part about knowing this from her own personal experience.
In early September, on a weekday evening at Walmart, Meghan was picking up a few items for Lila. She breezed through the grocery aisles and eventually meandered past the school supply section. Right there, smack in the middle of the aisle, were hundreds of black-and-white composition books.
Her heart skipped a beat. It had been more than a year since she’d written in a journal, more than a year since she’d made the fateful decision to delay going to Grady. For a moment she remembered the joy of scrawled words running across blank pages.
Suddenly a great longing filled her heart. It was the longing for thoughts that turned themselves into words and settled on pages to be forever preserved.
Moving closer to the display, she lifted a composition book and felt the familiar desire bristling inside her chest. Until now, she hadn’t realized how very much she’d missed this old friend. She dropped the composition book into her basket and hurried along the aisle.
That evening, Meghan took the book to her room and began to write. She intended to simply make note of her trip to Walmart, but once she started, she couldn’t stop. She wrote about all the things she’d kept bottled up inside her for more than a year: the heartache of Tracy leaving, the loneliness of an empty desk in the Snip ’N’ Save office, the Thanksgiving that had come and gone without Tracy at the table, the late-night sobs she’d heard coming from her mama’s room.
After she emptied her heart of those burdens, she wrote about Tracy’s life in Philadelphia, giving page after page of details about things she knew only from phone conversations and text messages. She told of Dominic’s new job and described the apartment as Tracy had described it to her.
One by one, she listed the Snip ’N’ Save’s new customers and explained how in a little more than one year the business had nearly doubled. She also told of hiring Sheldon Markowitz and bragged on his quick wit and flair with design.
“I think of Sheldon not as an employee,” she wrote, “but as a friend.”
The grandfather clock in the hall struck three before Meghan closed the book. By then her eyes were rimmed with red and her fingers cramped from gripping the pen, but the weight of the words she’d carried in her heart for all those long mont
hs was gone.
The next day, Meghan returned to Walmart and bought another ten composition books.
One Sunday morning, a year after Tracy had left home, she sent a text saying she was expecting a baby.
Meghan read the message three times before the thought actually settled into her head. Something about the way the text was put together troubled her. The first two words were Good news! It was supposed to sound happy, but there was an undercurrent of sadness, a thread of melancholy that seemed unlike the sister she’d known.
She and Tracy were always so close. With news this important, it would seem as if she’d call. Meghan’s first impulse was to call Tracy herself, but she hesitated, knowing there had to be a reason for the text instead of a call.
Maybe she’s at work? Or hasn’t told Dominic yet?
Meghan ran through a list of possible reasons, then hit on the one that was most likely. Tracy didn’t want Mama to know.
She tapped out a reply.
Congratulations! I’m so excited for you and Dominic. BTW, call Mama. She’ll love being a grandma.
Tracy’s response came back seconds later.
Don’t say anything to her yet, she wrote. Call you tomorrow.
The next day, Tracy called on the Snip ’N’ Save line. That was the customer line, and it was a safe bet their mama wouldn’t answer. The two sisters began talking at the same time.
“How wonderful—”
“I’m afraid—”
They both laughed.
“It’s your news, so you go first,” Meghan said.
“I’ve got a problem telling Mama and thought maybe you could tell her.”
“That’s crazy. Why would you not want to?”
“Because she’s not going to be one bit happy. She tolerates my being with Dom but doesn’t like it. Once she hears about the baby, I just know she’ll go back to asking when we’re getting married.”
“No, she won’t,” Meghan said. “Mama just wants you to be happy.”
The Summer of New Beginnings: A Magnolia Grove Novel Page 4