Boba leaned forward and ingested the sparks from the massive fiery zap and belched loudly. The warlocks watched in fascinated shock as Fat Bastard reached up and set his own paws on fire with the singed fur of Jango who stood atop him.
I was going to have a shit ton of healing to do if this is what the dorky cats did for fun… however, they'd only just begun.
"Fire," Fat Bastard ordered.
"Oh shit, get low," Sassy cried out as she pulled me to the floor next to her. "This is about to get ugly."
She was correct.
All three cats contorted in ways their girth should have prohibited them from moving. It was almost balletic… if you could call what the fat furballs did ballet. The magenta blast they'd taken in grew in size at least ten times as it whirled and swirled around them. They laughed maniacally as the warlocks blanched and tried to back up.
"Shoot the fuckers!" Boba grunted as he coughed up the magic he'd eaten like a hairball from hell.
The enormous flaming streak flew right back at the warlock who'd sent it and he screamed in agony as it zapped the hell out of him and his cronies. The hopping, wailing and swearing was almost funny, but I was unsure if they were just damaged or burning to death.
"Oh my Goddess, are they dying?" I asked Sassy as I tried to make out what was happening through the billowing smoke.
"Not real sure," she admitted with a shudder as the screaming increased. "We can’t exactly get info out of dead guys."
"That is probably the smartest thing you've ever said," I told her.
"Really?" she asked, delighted.
"Yes. Really."
I stood up and raised one hand to the sky. I held my nose with the other as I was terrified I'd throw up due to the stench. Puking in the middle of a spell was sure to result in something very very bad.
“Goddess on high, come to my aid
Stop the destruction the good cats have made
Spare the un-tried, withdraw the last hit
Help me deal with these warlocks even though they are… um… shit”
Waving my hand I let a soothing lavender haze leave my body. The billowing smoke and orange flames receded quickly and the stench of burning flesh and hair disappeared. Thankfully my cats were fine. They needed a bath but they were alive and quite pleased with themselves. The warlocks on the other hand hadn’t fared nearly as well, but they weren't dead and crispy. I shuddered at the thought of what that blast would have done to us if the cats hadn't been here.
Mac, still in his wolf form, growled menacingly at the shocked and injured warlocks. Sassy gathered the cats close.
"You little shits were amazing," she cooed as she patted out some still smoking fur on Boba Fett. "Your magic is far more enjoyable when it's not aimed at my ass.
"Interesting spell," Fat Bastard commented as he preened under Sassy's attention.
"Shut the fuck up, I was under pressure," I informed him defensively. Even I was surprised I'd used an expletive in my magic. "It worked didn't it?"
"It did," he conceded with grin.
"You're evil," the smoking warlock in the front cried out as he smacked at his still smoldering clothes.
"Pot, kettle, black," I shot back. "I certainly hope you little jerks have learned a lesson here. My cats can kick your ass. No more funny stuff or I let you fry. We clear?"
"You're keeping us?" Boba Fett inquired hopefully.
"Um… yes," I said as I dropped my chin to my chest.
Mac turned and gave me a funny look, but I just shrugged and rolled my eyes. What was I supposed to do? They'd saved our lives. The old Zelda would have said thank you grudgingly and then kicked the disgusting bastards out. The new Zelda couldn't do that. I wasn't sure if I liked the new Zelda, but she wasn't giving me much of a choice.
Need damn therapist. Yesterday.
"I'm keeping you for now, but all three of you are on probation," I warned. "You touch my boobs or butt, we're going to the driveway to test my backing-over-cat skills."
"Roger that," Jango said happily as he patted down his privates for burning embers. "What about side boob?"
I gave him a glare which zipped his kitty lips. Mac punctuated my warning with a growl.
"So boss-lady, what do you wanna do here?" Sassy asked as she stood up and examined the warlocks.
"You want to try your unskilled hand at interrogation?" I asked her.
"Yes. Yes I do. Let me keep the cats down here with me and I'll be fine," she said. "Give me two hours and I'll have your bad guy. And I swear if I blow one up, it will be an accident."
"Good enough for me," I said as the warlocks squeaked in fear. "I'd suggest you refrain from throwing any more zingers," I advised the little magic turds. "My cats will shoot it right back and I won't be down here to save your mean little asses. Capisce?"
"Excellent choice of word," Jango complimented me. "I use it daily."
'Thank you."
"Welcome, Dollface."
"Sassy, you will be careful. I don't like you, but you're beginning to grow on me like a slightly irritating fungus. I also like my house and want it to stay in one piece."
"I promise to do my best," she vowed.
Her words didn't calm my fluttering stomach, but it would have to do for the moment. I needed to have a few words with Baba Yaga and then I wanted a brief town meeting to get all my people up to speed. If I worked fast and efficiently I could still get laid before sundown.
My plans were set.
"Hang on, I have to do one more thing," I said as I raised my hands up and took a deep breath. I wasn't entirely comfortable leaving Sassy and my vile new pets down in the basement alone with no protection.
“Goddess of mine, hear my call
Bind the magic shits so my friends will not fall
For those that are true, may their power come back
But for he who is not, make him a magic-less hack”
"Another interesting spell," Fat Bastard commented. "I like it."
"The swearing is a nice touch," Sassy added approvingly.
"Well, I'm kind of finding my mojo here," I admitted. "I figure I need my own style."
"You got it cornered, Sweetcheeks," Boba Fett congratulated me.
"Thank you. Mac, come with me. We have work to do and then I have to tell you a story."
The cats and Sassy snickered. Mac quickly shifted back to human form and I dressed him with a flick of my hand before Sassy's eyeballs popped out of her head.
Mac's over-confident grin annoyed me and turned me on. I was becoming as possessive about him as he was about me. Yet another reason for therapy. It was the one thing I was determined to find out during the town meeting.
I was going to take care of my freakin' mental health if it was the last thing I did.
Chapter 11
"Is this a fucking joke?" I demanded to the group of confused Shifters. I stomped my foot and hurled blast of magic at the same tree Chuck had tried to hang himself in this morning blowing a branch off.
My front yard was filled with Shifters milling about as I threw a hissy fit on the lawn. The raccoon Shifters, Wanda and her adorable four year old son Bo were handing out refreshments, and my buddies, Simon the skunk and Deedee the deer were putting out folding chairs for the large group which had formed.
"No sweetie," Wanda said as she offered me lemonade and a cookie. "Roger the rabbit is a wonderful therapist. He's helped many of us."
"He's the town gossip and he has… um… issues," I said as I remembered I'd promised not to share Roger's porno addiction. "There has to be another therapist in town."
"Nope," Simon cut in. "He's the only one. He helped me get over my fear of the dark. It was a great relief to the entire community when I got cured."
"Why was the town concerned about your being afraid of the dark?" I asked as I pilfered a second cookie from the tray Wanda was holding.
"Because his stinker trigger is connected to his fear level," Wanda gently explained as not to embarrass Simon.
"She's correct," Simon added with a blush and a chuckle. "It was awfully smelly at night for about ten years before Roger helped me put a plug in it—so to speak."
This could not be happening. There was no way in hell I was going to be doctored by Roger the butt plug wielding boob ogler.
"I'll just go to another town to get my head shrunk," I told them.
"You'll have to go to another state for someone who can deal with magical beings," Simon said as he helped an older mountain lion Shifter to a seat. "The closest one I know of is in Florida."
"Maybe there's a witch around here who can take me on," I muttered as I searched the crowd for Daaaaad, Hildy and Baba Yaga. Where in the hell were they?
"Interesting you say that," Simon said thoughtfully. "I've detected the presence of another witch in the area."
"Well, there is kind of another witch in the area," I admitted and wondered if Hildy wanted her presence known.
"Really?" Wanda asked concerned. "Is she after your job?"
"Absolutely not," I assured her and Simon. "She’s a good witch. Oh and my cellmate, Sassy from the pokey is here for a visit—hopefully a very short one. But neither of those witches want my job."
"Good," Simon said with relief. "Witch showdowns are quite frightening."
"Buttbomb explosion frightening?" I asked with a smirk.
"Yep, big ones," he replied with a laugh. "Should we get started here?"
"We should," I told Simon as we walked to the front of the crowd.
"Is there a reason we're meeting outside?" he asked as he gestured for all to take a seat.
"Sassy the Shitastic is in the basement digging info out of Baba Yaga's warlock's brains. One of the little assmonkeys let the honey badger go free. There's a fine chance I won't have a house in the next hour, so I figured we'd be safer in the yard."
"Good thinking," Simon casually congratulated me as if I'd told him I'd eaten all my veggies. "However the witch I sensed…"
A gardenia scented wind blew up from out of nowhere and hundreds of tiny teal and hot pink birds zipped in and out of the crowd. Silver and gold glitter rained down and I rolled my eyes.
The Shifters danced around and waved at me with joy.
"It's not me," I yelled above the chatter, but no one heard or they just didn't care. Goddess, was this how she always made her entrances? I was clearly slacking.
"I'm baaaaaaaaaack!" Hildy squealed to a shocked and delighted crowd as she floated above making sure she was out of touching range.
"Hold that thought Simon," I said as I shook my head at my Aunt's over the top entrance.
My Daaaaaad stood below her, grinning like an idiot. Thankfully he was no longer sporting my yoga pants. He was in jeans and a nice button down shirt.
"It's Hildy," Deedee shouted with glee. "And she's transparent!"
"I'm a ghost!" she explained to the excited yet wary Shifters.
"Are you here to stay?" Little Bo asked as he reached up to touch her.
"No touching," Daaaaad said as he gently pushed Bo's hands down. "She'll freeze your ass off."
"He's right," Hildy said sadly. "You can look but not touch."
"Oh my Goddess." Wanda dropped the tray of cookies and paled. "Does Chuck know?"
"Does Chuck know what?" I asked as I searched the crowd for him.
I didn't see him and worried for a brief second he might be hanging in a tree, but he had promised Mac he wouldn't off himself until the danger had passed.
"I don't know how long I can stay," Hildy told the rapt group. "But we will make the most of my visit while I'm here."
Hildy scanned the crowd as she flew above. Her smile turned to a frown as if she couldn't find what she was searching for.
"Not everyone is here," she said with a pout.
"I'm pretty sure they are," I replied.
"No. Someone is missing," she insisted as she flew frantically around the excited crowd.
"She's talking about Chuck," Wanda whispered in my ear.
"Why is she looking for Chuck?" I whispered back.
"Because she loves him."
"Hildy and Chuck?" I asked.
"Sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G," Simon said. "He was distraught for weeks after she died."
"He's still distraught," I told him. "He tried to hang himself in my tree."
"Oh dear, that won't work out like he thinks it will," Wanda said as she shook her head sadly.
"You can't be sure about that," Simon countered.
"Confused here," I muttered.
"He wants to be with Hildy," Wanda explained.
"She's dead," I stated the obvious.
"Exactly," Simon said.
"Oh my Goddess," I gasped out. "He's trying to kill himself to be with her?"
The Shifters went silent as a huge roar and an enormous black bear burst from the tree line and bound into the middle of the chaos. Hildy flew higher as Chuck, in his bear form, reached for her.
"No," she shouted. "You can't touch me. I'll hurt you."
He jumped and growled, but to no avail. Hildy flew higher.
"No. Chuck, you cannot touch me. I will not allow it," she said in a voice filled with anguish.
Chuck's agonized wail made my heart hurt. Silver tears streamed from my beautiful aunt's eyes. Chuck fell to the ground and beat the dirt. The Shifters backed up respectfully and gave him room. My heartbroken friend clawed at his fur and banged his huge head against the hard ground.
"Chuck stop," Hildy cried. "You'll hurt yourself, my love."
Hildy tried to stop him with magic, but to her shock and dismay her magic didn't work. For a brief moment, I wondered if it was because she was a ghost… then the reality hit. My stomach churned. Her magic didn't work because I had her magic inside me. I'd taken it back from the honey badger who had stolen it from her when he killed her. I was the walking talking magical menace. Not only did I have Hildy's power… I also had my own.
Damndamndamn.
Chuck ignored my Aunt's impassioned plea and the Shifters—being idiot Shifters, joined him. They all fell to the ground and began banging their heads and clawing at their bodies.
No. Fucking. Way.
The was no way in hell I was going to heal forty Shifters with self-inflicted head wounds because they felt some kind of bizarre need to further Chuck's cause. Thankfully Simon, Wanda, Bo, Daaaaad and Mac had not joined the kool-aid drinking dumbasses.
"Enough," I shouted and flung my hands in the air. I knew I was taking a risk using my power on a large group, but they'd given me no choice. If I had to heal all of them, I'd be passed out for weeks. I didn't have time for it. I had obese new pets, a heinous and potentially highly explosive houseguest, some evil to banish, and an x-rated fairy tale to finish.
Sparkling rainbow colored flames shot from my fingertips and all forty or so Shifters levitated into the air and hung there like helium balloons. Their befuddled faces almost made me laugh. However, I was terrified to let them down. There was no telling what would occur.
"Whoops, didn't know that would happen," I mumbled as I stared at my hands.
"You didn't plan that?" Daaaaad asked with concern.
"Not exactly. I just wanted them to stop banging their heads on the ground. That would give me the mother of all migraines to heal that shit," I said in my defense.
"Goddess," Daaaaad said as he ran his hands through his hair in worried agitation. "We need to get you trained. Pronto."
"Ya think?" I snapped. "At least I didn't blow up the countryside."
"I think what you did was outstanding," Mac said as he took in the spectacle with pride.
"You just want in my pants," I told him.
"Correct, but I still think you did the right thing," he said with a grin.
Daaaaad shook his head and groaned as he gave Mac the stink eye. "You know I can ground you, young lady."
"You know I can shrink all your boxer briefs, Daaaaad—while you’re wearing them."
"You wouldn
't," he huffed as his hands went instinctively to his man jewels.
Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two Page 9