by Nicky Roth
Ah well, all those memories...
But still, why bother planning, when things could go tits up perfectly fine without it? It left so much more room for creativity, while at the same time no expectations were crushed to a pulp.
In ten years or so, looking back at Mrs Bennet spreading manure on the motorway, in all likeliness, would be a cherished anecdote. Darcy already liked it as such. Who else could claim such a determined mother in law? She did nothing by halves, and most certainly never paid a second thought as to the consequences. Yeah, well, admittedly Darcy wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad thing, but never mind.
Twenty minutes later Elizabeth and he sat at Mrs Reynolds' spotless kitchen table waiting for a cup of tea.
Sure, the first shock was over by now, but a good hot cuppa never went amiss. And as it was, the tea had just been put down in front of them when Lydia called again, telling them, that she and her father were just now on their way to pick up their mother from somewhere north of Northampton. Okay, it seemed that they had made a narrow escape once again. Another couple of days of peace and quiet. Sheer bliss!
Right, two and a half hours until the riding lessons started, and with that enough time to take care of the invitations, get changed and head down to the stables...
One and a half hours until the riding lessons started and Darcy wondered if he had miscalculated. They had taken some time to decide what to write and how, but that had been the easy part. Doing the actual writing wasn't all that much of a bother either, but by now the glitter-situation had turned somewhat alarming. How was it, that there was still glitter on the cards when Elizabeth and he were virtually covered in it all over? The kitchen table, once spotless, was all glitzy as well. Even Mrs Reynolds had not escaped the glitter of doom, as some had found its way into her hair, onto her apron and onto her shoes and with that, it now slowly but surely spread all over the kitchen. It would only get worse once Lizzy and he got up.
In his mind, Darcy already saw all of Pemberley covered in pink sparkly glitter, and truth be told, the thought was kind of unsettling. Yes, sure, these had been the least obnoxious cards they had managed to find, but perhaps the ones with the bears kissing would have been more beneficial for everyone's sanity. Perhaps they should put some heart-shaped, sparkly confetti into the envelopes as well, to really piss off the recipients. Just for good measure. Why should they be the only ones to suffer from glitteritis?
'Okay, that's all of them done, thank goodness!' Lizzy sighed half an hour later, looking up with a small smile on her face, wiping a curl of hair out of her eyes, distributing even more glitter onto herself.
Thank goodness indeed! Darcy could not wait to stuff them into the envelopes and be rid of them.
Perhaps they should take a quick shower before they took off towards the stables..
However, if he had hoped that the water would wash off the glitter, he was wrong. Of course, he was, this stuff was a menace. On top of that, while before it was easy to brush off, it now firmly stuck to the skin and it fucking itched, particularly between his buttocks and underneath his scrotum, not to mention between his toes, where a whole lot of the stuff had accumulated as the water had washed down his body and for the sake of it, he could not get it off.
Casting a quick glance at Lizzy, he realised he was not the only one suffering from itchy buttocks. Her bum looked as if a fairy had vomited all over it and the more she tried to get it off with her towel the more it seemed to stick. Not that it was much different with him. What the heck had they made the stuff out of? One could fight a war with it, evoking fear in even the fiercest enemy, unless the army happened to be comprised of little girls riding unicorns. Nope, he would not go there, that thought was unsettling. Scary even.
And at any rate, if they didn't get a move on, they would be late for the lessons, and he hated to be late. Not that Carla or Phil would mind, both were happy enough to just be in the stables, but still he had his principles and punctuality was one of them.
Sure enough, the two of them were already waiting, Phil Huxley leaning patiently against one of the fences, while his daughter was busy petting one of his ponies.
'Hello, Mr Darcy, how are you?' the little girl beamed, quickly skipping towards him while at the same time reaching for his hand, dragging him towards the entrance of the stables.
Eh, itchy...
Okay, better tell a lie: 'Fine, Carla, and you?'
Not that he required an answer, he could see that the child was well and happy and bursting at the seams from sheer excitement, just as she always did.
'Carlie, calm down please, will you?' her father reprimanded her gently and while she was still ambling towards the door, she did let go of Darcy's hand. 'Hello, Will, sorry about that, but you know how exuberant she can be.'
“Not half as exuberant as my soon to be mother in law”, Darcy thought to himself.
'Yep, no bother. It's actually a good thing in this instance. I used to be just the same when it came to riding,' he answered with a grin before his eyes automatically sought out Elizabeth who had fallen slightly behind as he had run ahead to not be later than he was already.
She had not yet caught up with him. But after they had put on their breeches for the first time it turned out, that the combination of glitter and riding breeches was not a good one at all. Another shower later, and the situation was still not much better and by now, Darcy seriously doubted whether they should dare send the invitations. After all, they were meant for people they liked...
It was not easy to resist the temptation to scratch his butt and besides, however it had happened, there once again was glitter on his hands, and on his jumper and... - Bloody hell, did the stuff multiply? It would explain a lot.
'That I can easily believe,' Phil chuckled, as he watched his daughter disappear in the stable. 'Are you okay? You look somewhat tense. Oh, and do you know that you've got glitter all over yourself?'
'Cheers mate, that was all I wanted to hear. Yes, I do know. I had a little run-in with the stuff. They should actually put warning signs on everything with glitter on or in it as far as I'm concerned. Any ideas on how to avoid having it all over the place?'
After all, the man had a daughter...
'Nope, it gets everywhere. Ask the father of a girl who's obsessed with glitter glue and sparkle. You should see the contents of my hoover bag. I swear you won't find more sparkly dust anywhere in the country.'
'Oh, I am sure Pemberley's dust these days will come close. We've been writing invitations with glitter on them and now it's bloody everywhere,' Darcy sighed, against all better judgement trying to brush off some sparkle from his sleeve.
Needless to say that it was to no avail.
'Welcome to my world. I have long since decided that every man looks ultimately cooler with glitter on him. It is just that people refuse to agree with me on that one. By the way, before it is too late, the worst thing you can do when you've got the stuff all over yourself is to shower. It ultimately ends up in the most unlikely and uncomfortable crevices of your body. However, it looks charming when you take a dump.'
'Now that is really some consolation.'
'Isn't it?' Phil grinned even wider. 'Now, what actually does help is either one of those small vacuums, though it can be a bit awkward to... - Well, never mind, you know what I mean. And otherwise, just take one of those static throw-away dusters. Works miracles.'
'Well, unfortunately, I just took a shower...'
'Right, then it's no wonder you look tense, Darcy. We better go and saddle the horses then. Riding is the next best thing to continuously scratching one's arse. And much less embarrassing.'
Okay, that was actually welcome advice. He was close to losing his marbles from all the blasted itching. But since first meeting Carla and Phil two weeks ago, he had really come to appreciate them, he had to say and he was sure that Lizzy would like them as well. By the way, where was Elizabeth? She should have caught up with him by now.
Ah, there s
he and Georgiana were. All the better. His sister didn't know it yet, but she was about to meet the answer to her problematic history assignment.
Introductions were made, and horses quickly saddled and indeed, the relief was unbelievable. Three cheers to sound advice!
'Come now, sit straight, Carla, pull your shoulder blades down a bit. Perfect. Oh, and do you remember what is supposed to be the lowest point of your body?'
'My heels?'
'Exactly. Turn your toes outwards a bit, yes, that's it. - Same for you, Lizzy. And now, cue your horses into a walk. Perfect, Carla. Lizzy, a little more pressure. Yes, that's it.'
Ha, all was as it should be. The weather had turned out lovely, his sister and Phil already chatted merrily about the War of the Roses and his two pupils were all eagerness.
Okay, that was until he spotted the first bits of glitter in his horse's mane...
Seriously, at this point, he started praying, literally praying that they had static dusters somewhere in the house. If not, he would go and get some. And if Lizzy and he ever had a girl, he would make sure that she never even heard of such a thing as glitter. As for the invitations, he would burn them tonight and they would go tomorrow to get the ones with the bears. Period! They invited friends, not deadly enemies, after all.
'Hold still, will you, Will?' Elizabeth reprimanded as she tried to rid him off the glitter.
Thank goodness, Mrs Reynolds had had some static dusters at hand. They had re-entered the kitchen just when it was beginning to get dark, finding an exasperated Mrs Reynolds desperately trying to get rid of the sparkly menace and just in time to tell her to not shower before wiping herself down with a duster. The look on her face had been priceless, and Georgiana had almost toppled over laughing, but seriously no sooner had he gotten off the horse, than his own bum had started itching again and Elizabeth had looked equally agitated, so it wasn't actually all that funny.
These bloody cards were torture devices of the meanest kind, but he was happy to say that they were no more. As soon as he spotted them lying on the kitchen cupboard, neatly stacked and looking utterly harmless, without a word Darcy had taken them and thrown them into the kitchen stove. While his sister had looked somewhat confused, both Lizzy and his housekeeper had been very approving of his actions.
So, no more sparkle, no more glitter!
Now Lizzy and he were safely ensconced in their bathroom to wipe off the remaining sparkle and glitter off each other. Was there no fucking escape? Ha, yes there was. It seemed to work. The relief was unbelievable though after having Elizabeth clean a very private part of him, he had to admit that he was in need of another kind of relief. Besides his present physical state apparently made cleaning the area much easier for her, and who was he to deny her touching him? And he just loved to return the favour.
Hm, perhaps glitter wasn't so bad after all if only one knew how to deal with it and especially what to do with it...
Chapter 49:
That gruesome cross-thingy
They had just finished their tea-break and Elizabeth had just climbed back onto the ladder when her mobile rang. Of bloody course. Murphy's law, right? A phone never rang when it was convenient. Never! In all likeliness, it would be her mother coming up with yet another ridiculous idea for their wedding as she had done pretty much every day since she had been informed about the date and venue. As for her finding out that the wedding would take place so much sooner, surprisingly Mrs Bennet had taken it in her stride. Another thing that had been rather fortunate was the fact that she had lost her driver's licence for the time being due to her little stunt on the motorway and several instances of wrong parking, etc. which meant that she would not turn up in person unexpectedly. Ha! Okay, yeah, whether that was such a good thing or perhaps not in regards to losing her licence was another matter, but anyway, the renovations of the chapel came along nicely.
It was not Fanny Bennet, however, who was on the other end of the line, it was Charlotte. A very panicky Charlotte.
'Eliza, I am in such a mess, you won't believe it!'
Nope, Elizabeth believed it in an instant, since her friend sounded positively frantic. Bloody hell, what now?
'It can't be all that bad, Lottie, I am sure. Has something happened at work?'
'No, work is all fine, but...'
'But?'
'I'm pregnant.'
Okay, that was unexpected. Plunking down on one of the pews, Elizabeth stared at the phone in her hand accusingly as if it had been playing tricks on her. Charlotte pregnant? Right...
'By whom?'
'Penny.'
Thank goodness she was sitting already. But heck, she could not possibly have heard that right, could she?
'No, I mean, who is the father? Does he know?'
'I know what you meant and I gave you the answer. But no, he doesn't know yet. I only found out just now myself and called you straight away. Shit, what am I going to do now?'
Good question, actually. But wow, when had that happened then? Okay, making an educated guess, Elizabeth put her five Pounds on the Harvest Ball. After all, that had been when Penny had done his Chippendale impersonation. - And if she remembred correctly, Charlotte had said that he didn't look all that bad in the nude, though at the same time adding that she'd rather forget about it. This new bit of info gave this statement a whole new meaning.
'Well...' Elizabeth started, but nothing came to mind how to help her friend.
'That is as far as I got myself, Eliza. I don't even know how it could come to this, since we have been careful and everything. At first, I put it down to all the stress with the new job and all. You know, not having my period, but when I started throwing up every morning I thought I'd better do a pregnancy test and it is positive. As positive as it could be. Two sharp lines on that fucking stick and no mistaking it!'
Oops, her friend started to sound hysterical. Okay, she had every reason to. Being pregnant was one thing, being pregnant by William Collins was an altogether different kettle of fish. One could only hope and pray that the poor child would take after his or her mother. And seriously, everyone had a lapse of reason once in a while. Though admittedly rarely as bad as that.
'I mean, I have just started this job, Lizzy,' Charlotte carried on. 'What am I going to say to Charles?'
That presumably was the least of her problems. Breaking the news to her parents on the other hand, or telling Penny that he had managed to procreate...
Shit, Penny and procreation put in the same sentence sounded decidedly wrong. Even more wrong were the images that popped up in her head of Charlotte and Penny in bed together, fortunately chastely covered by a blanket. But even to imagine what her cousin might say while being at it, was enough to make her feel slightly nauseaous.
“You know, my dear Charlotte, Lady Catherine always says that a man should take care that a woman is thoroughly pleasu...” - Nope she needed to end this line of thought right now! Okay, it was kind of too late anyway, but this sentence would stay unfinished.
'Well, Lottie, I dare say, Charles will do nothing more than to congratulate you and make your life as easy as he possibly can.'
'Yes, I know, but still, it can't be convenient for him, can it?'
'Probably not. But then again, isn't it always kind of inconvenient? I mean, I am pretty sure that employers calculate on the one or other of their female employees getting knocked up. It is only natural, you know?'
'Perhaps you are right. It is just the shock, you know?'
'Yes, that I can easily imagine. By the way, are you coming to my wedding?'
'Of course, I am. What a stupid question? Oh, by the by, did you know that your mother goes around inviting everyone she meets?'
What?! No way! Her mother couldn't be serious.
'My parents are looking forward to it very much, and I think the Kings will come, too. I'm not sure about Monica, but knowing her, she'll probably attend as well.'
Bloody hell, if her mother carried on like that they were talk
ing a couple of hundred people instead of a nice quiet wedding amongst close family and friends.
'Are you allright, Eliza?' Charlotte's voice somehow managed it through the daze she was currently in.
'Yes, perfectly fine. Thanks for giving me a heads-up. That was certainly not what we had planned, you know?'
'Yes, I was pretty sure of that. So one could say we both had our share of bad surprises today.'
'Yep, definitely. But anyway, I'm glad you are coming. And perhaps until then, the thing with the baby has sorted itself out.'
'Now that is not very likely. You know, from now on, my condition will only get the more apparent. Only a couple of more weeks I will be unable to hide it. That's actually kind of unsettling.'
'Oh, come now, you are not even two months along and you know, time will tell.'
'I suppose so. For the moment, however, I am properly freaked out. Well, anyway, my break is over, I need to get back to work. Netherfield is coming along nicely, who would have thought?'
'I would have. Under your care, what could possibly go wrong?'
'Don't even get me started. Ta-ta!'
'Bye.'
For a moment, Elizabeth was just sitting there. Shit, that was a lot to stomach. Charlotte preggers by Penny, her mother inviting basically all of Meryton and Longbourn...
Since it was common knowledge that all 'good' things came in threes, that meant that yet another thing was bound to happen any time now. Okay, it could hardly get any worse or bizarre, right?
'Are you alright?' Will interrupted her thoughts.
He, too, had climbed down his ladder, once again looking all dishevelled and sexy. No, the last thing she wanted to think about right now was sex. Not when she had just heard that Charlotte and her cousin had shagged one another and created offspring in the process. Yuck!