by Nicky Roth
'Will?'
Shit! It was Elizabeth and she sounded none too happy. Justly so, he supposed. He was in trouble. Eh, or more precisely in even more trouble than he had been a minute ago.
'Be there in a sec, honey.'
Shit! Shit! Shit!
The sheep bleated again, this time sounding content with itself and the world.
'What did you say?' she asked in an irritated manner.
He did not wonder at it. He would be irritated, too.
'Nothing, sweety,' Darcy quickly answered trying to escape the inevitable.
No, no such luck.
He saw the doorknob turn and then the door was flung open to reveal a tense-looking Elizabeth dressed up as a chicken.
Eh, okay... Cute. And anyhow, who was he to judge?
She blinked once, then twice looking from one creature to the other while Darcy only managed to stammer flatly: 'It's not what it looks like.'
Darn, he should at least have taken the suspender off the sheep, but he had completely forgotten about them somehow.
Elizabeth still had not said a word. Her mouth was agape her eyes round like saucers but at long last, the corners of her mouth started twitching and a moment later she was in stitches, toppling over laughing.
'Damn, I knew something was up when Fitz told me where I would find you, grinning like a Cheshire Cat, but this truly exceeds all my expectations,' she finally gasped. 'I like that lipstick on you. Very sophisticated. - By the way, do I need to ask you to take a paternity test?'
Lipstick? Paternity test? - Ah, right, his bedmate.
'Eh, no. It's mine, I admit to it.'
Well, it was his in a sense, after all, he was the owner.
She laughed again and finally walked over to him, still grinning broadly and holding her sides. Her feathery tail was wagging quite adorably.
'So I take it your stag night was as horrible as you have anticipated it to be?'
'No, it was only the waking up that went a little out of hand.'
'A little?' she gawked, waving her hand at the scene before her with an arched eyebrow.
'Okay, more like a lot, admittedly, but the evening was actually really nice. Good food, fantastic wine, good service, nice conversation, in short near perfect - if only you had been there as well, there would have been nothing for me to wish for.'
'I guess that would have defied its purpose.'
'Probably. How was your party?'
'Lovely as well.'
'And the waking up?'
'Not even remotely as spectacular as yours, by all appearances. I only had to push aside the huge egg-shaped cushions I was sitting on and scramble out of the heap of straw that somehow found its way into my bed. - Just like me. At one point I just passed out. Without the help of alcohol, I might ad, but then again, I am always tired these days.'
Pulling her into his arms for a kiss he muttered under his breath: 'Well, better than water balloons, for sure.'
'Do I even want to know? - Bah, you stink of alcohol.'
'Sorry, love. - But to answer your question, nope, one day we should simply write a book about how we met and then we can recall all of this and have a good laugh.'
'Sounds like a plan, though I doubt anyone would ever believe this really happened. So, then let's get over to the house, shall we?'
'Eh, you could not by any chance bring me a change of clothes?'
'Sorry, but nope. Do you think I would still be dressed up like this if I had the key to our dressing rooms? - And I don't fit into Georgiana's things and Charles somehow managed to put Jane's suitcase in there as well, so... - But after they had everything prepared Charles thought Jane had the key, Jane thought Fitz had it and then Eddy said that he last saw it on the table in the entrance hall when Mama and Aunt Catherine left for Derby. So let's keep our fingers crossed that it has somehow ended up with them for otherwise we are screwed.'
'Big time, chicken pie.'
"Yep, Sister Will. - Eh, what do we do about the sheep?'
'You carry the little one and I drag the mother along by its suspenders. At least then they have served a purpose.'
Elizabeth just nodded, though her eyes still danced in amusement.
They must have been some sight for sure but there is this one point where one, in all honesty, doesn't give a fuck anymore and they had passed that right now.
Darcy pushed the sheep into the lift gave Lizzy a hand with the lamb, pressed the button for the ground floor and a moment later all four of them approached the reception.
A giant hen with a lamb in her wings, a nun with fancy footwear dragging a kinky sheep along - all perfectly normal, right?
'Eh, Peter, could you please call Mrs Younge and tell her to pick up these two? Cheers, mate. - Oh, and send someone up to my room, will you? It looks a bit messy.'
'Sure,' was all his manager's stammered reply as he reached for the phone.
Good, that was one thing sorted. Now they only had to get back home. Thank goodness at least the key for his car was not missing and Elizabeth had had the good sense to use it. The sodding heels were killing him, sensible pumps or not.
Chapter 58:
Home Invasion
'Eh, Lizzy, what time is it?' Darcy asked tentatively when they were comfortably settled in the car, or in her case as comfortable as was possible considering that she had a bunch of feathers attached to her bum and was slightly hampered by the wide sleeves of her chicken-outfit.
'Close to midday. Why?'
'These wankers! They tampered with the clock. I thought I had slept the day away.'
'As if I would let you, Will. There is far too much to do for any of us to idle around and in a couple of hours, the guests will arrive. I just hope we have enough time to eat something before the shit hits the fan.'
'Not likely, but true, you would never have let me get away with that,' he grinned with a cheeky smile. 'That you had not dowsed me in icy cold water yet was what made me think that they might have played yet another trick on me but then the sheep happened. Damn, what a morning! But I guess it could have been worse.'
'Worse?' Elizabeth exclaimed incredulously.
'Well, they could have dumped me at the train station or something along those lines. I really should be grateful for their consideration.'
Will's voice dripped with sarcasm, so much so that it was hard to concentrate on driving as laughter shook her body. Eventually, Elizabeth had to stop doubling over once again.
Well, come on, the situation was hilarious, right? The expression on Peter's face alone, when they had given the sheep into his care had been priceless. Which, by the way, begged the question, how Edward, George Fitz and Charles had managed to get the creature into the hotel in the first place without anybody noticing.
'Nothing as easy as that,' Darcy replied to her question, shrugging his shoulders with a wry grin, while she started the engine again. 'First of all, the staff was only due to come in at about nine, since the only guests staying are actually our own wedding guests most of which arrive only today, and secondly, where there is a will, there is a laundry trolley...'
Okay, she had not thought about that. Sounded plausible enough. And practical.
'You should see what people smuggle into a hotel via that means. Or out of it, for that matter. - By the way, never trust a chef.'
'Why?'
'Simple, they are chefs.'
Right, that was cryptic, to say the least, though Charlotte had mentioned something along those lines as well, and on more than one occasion. Should she be scared? Probably, but John and Terry actually seemed to be harmless enough...
Okay, so did many a serial killer, thinking about it. Perhaps it was better to change the topic, and at any rate, they had reached the back of Pemberley House. There was the back door. Safety! Unless...
Yep, it was a matter of course that her mother and Aunt Cathy arrived in a cab the very moment she and Darcy climbed out of their car. Well, Uncle Eddy had been in no condition to drive just
yet and fortunately he was sensible enough to admit to it. That was at least something. Drinking and driving were so not on!
'Lizzy, what the heck are you wearing?' he mother duly screeched hardly that the door of the taxi had opened.
'Why, what's wrong with my clothes?' Elizabeth inquired innocently, though with more than just a hint of sarcasm and not without rolling her eyes.
Trust her mother to point out the obvious and most touchy subject at present. As if anyone in their right mind would run around like an oversized chicken just because they fancied to. Duh!
'You look like a giant chicken. Seriously, these fashions nowadays!' Mrs Bennet kept on scolding, while Lady Catherine stared at her nephew in turn with an expression of such incredulity that Elizabeth was almost certain she would suffer a stroke at any given moment now.
But then, all of a sudden, her mother's face broke out in the widest smile she had ever seen in a person. One could at least make two out of it and still have those people grinning like Cheshire Cats. And before she could anticipate what was to come, she was almost smothered by her mother's embrace.
'Oh, my dear dear Lizzy! A baby! For real this time! I am soooooooooooooo happy! I will be a grandmother! And at only forty-five! Ha, and Patty is already fifty-three! Charlotte might be further along, but still, technically I'll be a grandma before her, right?' Fanny Bennet screeched, none too gently ruffling her daughter's feathers.
Literally. Shit, that fucking onesie was actually static, sizzling with electricity. At least no sparks were flying as yet. The little things, remember?
'We will have to buy all new things for the little one and make the nursery look really nice. Do you know yet if it will be a boy or a girl?'
OMG! NOOOOOOOO...
'Mum, I am only a couple of weeks along, so no, I don't know if it's going to be a boy or a girl. But at least I am sure it will be one of the two.'
'Have you had an ultrasound yet? You could be having twins. My grandma was a twin and you know these things run in the family. Ooooh, two little bundles of joy! I am so overwhelmed!'
Really? Hm, must be every second or third generation then, apparently.
'Mum, we only found out yesterday. So no, no ultrasound. No twins as far as we know - and mum, you have only just bought a shit-load of baby stuff.'
'Yes, but that we'll need at Longbourn for when you come to visit.'
Argh... - This was what doomsday must be like when it finally came.
At least Aunt Catherine seemed to have recovered from her shock and surprisingly enough, she was giggling.
'Now, Will, this is actually a lot better than for you to wake up in my lingerie on the front steps of Matlock,' she gasped from between snickers of suppressed laughter. 'At least you don't show your assets this time around.'
Will blushed furiously, but then again, it was one thing if one's mates saw one like that, but one's middle-aged aunt was an altogether different kettle of fish. And what was it she had just said? She had heard that right, right?
Will also seemed to have picked up on it for suddenly he stuttered, turning a faint green hue: 'You know about that? - Wait, your lingerie?!'
'Oh, never mind, nephew. It was a bit itchy for my taste anyway. Nothing as bad as irritated nipples at the end of the day.'
Though Elizabeth had to agree with the overall statement, this was decidedly too much information! Ugh! Hole anywhere? One to disappear into and hide for all eternity?
'Yes, one really has to take care of such things. Speaking of nipples, Lizzy, are you going to breastfeed?' Mrs Bennet piped up again.
Okay, slightly safer ground at the moment and that was to be seen in comparison, but still frickin' embarrassing.
'I have heard it has become quite fashionable these days,' her mother prattled on before Elizabeth could throw in a word and finally steer the conversation to decidedly more appropriate topics. 'Not that I would ever have done something so uncivilised. I preferred the good old bottle, just like in the olden days.'
'Eh, mum, the only reason why women have breasts, from an evolutionary point of view, is to feed their offspring.'
'Nonsense! It's just one of these newfangled notions these eco-folks came up with. It's not as if we are some kind of mammal.'
'Well, technically we are just that,' Darcy threw in and immediately seemed to regret it as his almost mother in law turned on him, hands on her hips.
'What rubbish! That is so typical for men to think so. As soon as they have a chance to stare at a woman's tits they are all for it.'
'Eh, sorry to interrupt your very interesting conversation, but I think I better get going...' the cabby suddenly spoke up behind them, making everyone wheel around and stare at him in some sort of shock.
Bless him though! He could not have chosen a better time for interrupting them. Shame he had not thought of doing so earlier, but perhaps they had just not heard him. Clearing one's throat didn't do much when her mother was speaking, especially not if she was speaking of babies.
'Sure. Sorry for the delay. It is a bit of a chaotic day today. I'll just go and get some money,' Darcy stammered with what was left of his dignity, adding: 'How much do we owe you?'
'Seventy-eight Pounds and ninety p.'
'Will be right back. That is if I manage to get inside without breaking my bloody feet. - Argh, fuck it!'
With a decided expression, Darcy took his pumps off and marched into the house barefooted.
'Wedding coming up?' the driver asked, looking almost disinterestedly at the departing nun.
'Yep,' Elizabeth shrugged. 'Obvious, hm?'
'Yep. Should have seen what they did to me on my stag night! Fortunately, I woke up just in time to get off the train to France, but as soon as I did so, I was duly arrested for indecent exposure... - On the morning of my wedding, no less. Lesson learned. Never have a stag-do the very night before you get hitched for good.'
'Did you make it on time?' Elizabeth couldn't help asking.
Shit, by the sounds of it, they had gotten away lightly. Who would have thought?
Grinning the cabby replied: 'Only just, and in prison garb, but hey, at least I had something on my back. And we are still married, believe it or not. Ten years and counting. The missus says that she's seen the worst of me that very day and that nothing could shock her ever again. Bloody right she was there.'
'You know, you have just made me feel a lot better,' she sighed. But it was actually the truth.
Damn, and there she had thought their relatives' bad-ass pranksters! By the sounds of it, they were rather harmless in comparison.
'Pleasure. Sexy outfit, by the way.'
'Sexy? She looks like a hen! Lizzy, whatever possessed you to run around like that?'
Okay, back to starting point, it seemed. Cheers, a bunch!
'Our clothes are locked in the dressing rooms and we've lost the keys. You don't happen to have taken them with you by accident?'
'Why would I take the keys to your dressing room? To Shangri La? Ah, what a lovely time we had, didn't we, Cathy? That masseur chappie was really good at what he did. I feel as good as new. And that face mask! Whoo, so lovely.'
'Yes, but I shouldn't have asked what it was made out of,' Lady Catherine shrugged. 'It kind of creeped me out after I got the answer, I have to admit.”
'Why? What was it made of?'
'Snail mucous.'
'Ewwww! Why did you have to tell me?'
'Well, you asked,Fanny,' Catherine de Bourgh stated matter of factly. 'Besides, your face is as smooth as a baby's bottom, so it worked. I wonder if that's something I can adapt for Rosings...'
Okay, time to get back to the actual matter at hand before the two of them came up with the idea of having any other creepy crawlies slime up their faces.
'Have you seen the keys, Aunt Cathy?'
'No, sorry, Lizzy.'
Shit!
'Can't you just have a look in your handbag, please?' Elizabeth couldn't help pleading. 'Just to make sure.'
As did Lady Catherine. No surprise there. They would, of course, never accidentally take the wrong keys, either. - Yeah, right, and she never ran around like a chicken...
Okay, they would have to break the door down then. Sod it! She'd had enough. And since her mother had accidentally charged her fuzzy attire when rubbing her daughter's back, the whole thing felt pretty itchy now.
Ten minutes and a paid taxi fare later that was just what they did. Thank goodness, Will had a crowbar in his car. She was very definitely marrying a practical man!
By now even Jane's patience had begun to run short and she seemed to be heartily sick of running around like a fuzzy Teddy bear and that had to say something, considering that Jane was the very ensign of patience. But seriously, who the heck had come to the conclusion that onesies were practical in any shape or form? Just to go to the loo proved to be a major operation. However, no need to worry about that any longer, the door was open at long last. Or rather both of them, her own and Will's dressing room respectively. Whoohoo!
Elizabeth had never thought to be so happy at the sight of proper clothing. Jeans and T-shirts were the most beautiful thing in the world right now. Unbeatable. Ah, and there was her wedding dress, too, and just as lovely as she remembered it to be, if not even more so.
Another twenty minutes later both Jane and her, as well as Will, were back downstairs wearing their usual attire. Finally!
It was just as well, for their first guests arrived in the shape of their father, Aunt Melanie and her Uncle Edward (they would have to take care not to mix up all the Edwards in their respective families) as well as their three children and the remaining Lucases, closely followed by Penny, who immediately took a bee-line towards Aunt Cathy. No surprise there.
So much for grabbing some food and catching breath, though. What were they doing here already? Well, never mind. She was actually quite glad to see her aunt and uncle as well as her father. It meant that at least some sensible people were here to make up for all the crazies they were to expect.