by Nicky Roth
'Why are you two naked?'
Did Mrs Bennet really just ask that? Obviously yes.
And not only that, she hadn't bloody moved an inch and neither had she averted her eyes. Okay, at least she wasn't ogling, just persistently looking at them with some impatience, which in all honesty was already unsettling enough.
'Because we always do, mum!' Elizabeth mumbled her cheeks as red as a beet. 'Now will you please let us get up in peace? - And without staring at us?'
'Always?' Mrs Bennet gasped, shocked. 'But what if you get cold, dear, and get sick? You need to think about the little ones.'
'Little one, mum. One baby!'
'Oh, but as yet you can't be certain, 'Mrs Bennet prattled on determinedly. 'Remember your great-grandmother. She and her sister looked so much alike, as a child they always had me confused. - But never mind, we'll see who's right. But I tell you I am pretty sure it'll be at least one boy. I mean, I had all girls, so the odds are high for boys, I'd say. But if it's girls, that's fine with me, too. But I tell you it'll be the one or the other.'
No shit?
'Eh, Fanny, could you please leave?' Darcy finally managed to chip in, trying to sound as polite as he possibly could.
Yep, while showing off his buttocks might be less embarrassing to have on display but it also meant increasing pressure on his bladder...
This now was the second morning in a row that he woke up trapped in a situation he hadn't even dreamed of in one of his weirdest dreams.
'Why? We are almost family Will. No need to be shy. It's not as if I have never seen a naked man before. After all, I've had five daughters and they weren't delivered by the stork...'
TMFI! Far too MFI!!! There were things one really better not think about and one of these things is your parents or your in-laws having sex. Or any of your older relatives for that matter.
'Mum, please!' Elizabeth seconded him, dragging herself out of bed and with the most dignified expression she could muster left for her own room pulled her mother with her.
Thank goodness!
Loo, shower, shave and eh, what then? At such an early hour he could pull out his stubble hair by hair and still be done way before it was time to leave for the chapel. Yet somehow going back to bed didn't seem fair on Lizzy. Painting nails wasn't an option either, nor did he need to see the hairdresser since he had taken care of that a week ago already. Right, tea was always the best option to start a day and so, slipping into his pyjama bottoms and a T-shirt, Darcy made his way downstairs and to the kitchen only to find his nearly father in law kneeling in front of the stove blowing on the tender flame within.
'Morning, Tom. You know we've got a pair of bellows...'
Mr Bennet only waved his hand in acknowledgement and blew on undeterred.
'Is there any particular reason why you are up already, Tom?' Darcy couldn't help asking after a couple of more minutes watching the man.
At least Mr Bennet got up from his knees and turned around. His face was all black and sooty. What the heck had he been using to start the fire?
'Eh, I would say my wife is good enough reason, wouldn't you? I guess she's also responsible for you being up at this ungodly hour?'
'Yep.'
'Why am I not surprised? Ah yes, I've been married to her for the past twenty-four years...' Tom Bennet grinned, plunking down on the chair beside him. 'So, I'm going to be a granddad? You don't waste any time, do you?'
Whether the man was actually pleased or not was impossible to discern since he sported the same wry expression as pretty much always.
'Eh, no.'
'What about Lizzy's studies?'
Okay, not pleased...
'Well, that's completely up to her,' Darcy replied. 'She's already contacted the university in Derby and as far as I know is intending to finish them, though that was before she knew she was pregnant. So, whichever way she chooses, I'll be backing her up. I mean, I'm working from home, so to say, so I'll be there and Derby isn't that far away, so it won't be too bad to drive every day, not by car. Or alternatively, Lizzy could finish her diploma via an Open University or a combination of both.'
'What if she chooses to ditch her studies?'
'I would support her then as well, though only after trying to persuade her to carry on. After all she's put a lot of work into them already and it would be a shame if she didn't finish her degree. But as said, in the end, it's up to her.'
'Good, I see we are of one mind then, my boy. - By the way, do you know that my wife is already planning on how to decorate the nursery upstairs?'
'She what?' Darcy all but yelled, somewhat panicked.
This really didn't bode well, did it? What if out of nothing parcel upon parcel arrived on their doorstep with stuff like grinning potties in various colours? One for every room in the house? Or armies of stuffed toys? Or a romper suit for every single hour of the first year...
Judging by what she had bought already, it was far from impossibe.
'Okay, you obviously aren't aware of it...' Tom Bennet sighed slapping Darcy on the back in a fatherly manner.
'Well, now I am. Do I need to be scared?'
'It's my wife we're talking about, Will.'
'So I take that as a yes,' Darcy mumbled before he could check his tongue, producing a chuckle from Mr Bennet in return.
Shit, so that was where she had been heading last night... - Oh, fuck NO!
Okay, mate, breathe. There was little she could have done in such a short amount of time, right? At least he hoped so. But when he considered that he spoke of the one woman who turned into Taz the Tasmanian Devil as soon as she just heard the word “baby” perhaps that was a wee bit optimistic.
'Where are you heading?' Mr Bennet asked, when Darcy quickly jumped up from his seat.
'The nursery. I need to lock it asap before it is too late,' Darcy replied, hoping it wasn't already and earning yet another chuckle from his bride's father.
'Yep, better be safe than sorry, my boy. May I recommend you also bar the windows and block off the chimney?'
'I guess that won't be necessary, the nursery is on the third floor.' Eh, on second thought... - Taz!
'Remember, Will, where there is a will there's a ladder,' Tom warned as they jogged up the stairs.
The man had a point. A very good one.
And...
'Fuck me sideways!' Darcy blurted out as soon as he had opened the door to the nursery.
This couldn't possibly be true. There was no way that Mrs Bennet had managed to do so much in as little as one night, surely. That could only mean that she had been sneaking up here for a while now. Even before she knew there was a baby on the way. The creepily grinning Postman Pat waving at him from across the room bore testimony to that, as did Jess, awkwardly standing on top of Pat's bright red car, looking as if she desperately needed to take a dump. Damn, that poor cat seemed to suffer some vicious form of constipation to sport an expression like that.
'I see Fanny has outdone herself this time around. When the girls came along she, at least, stuck to painting flowers and butterflies on their bedroom walls. Well, since the invention of the beamer I guess that's not fancy enough anymore,' he pointed at said blasted piece of technology that looked suspiciously like the one Darcy had purchased for the hotel during the world cup earlier this year after the old one had broken down.
And sure enough, turning it on, the picture of Pat and Jess appeared pretty much as it was on the wall if a little out of focus and with decidedly more amiable expressions.
But Pat and his furry friend weren't so much of a problem seeing that they could be painted over easily enough and slowly but surely fade into distant memory. What Mrs Bennet had done to his lovely old rocking horse, however, was an altogether different kettle of fish. It was an antique for heaven's sake! Something that had been in his family for generations. What was it with that woman's obsession with unicorns anyway? But there his most treasured toy stood sporting a sparkling horn, gleaming in all the colours of
the rainbow.
Oh, thank goodness, the glittery plastic horn was, as yet, only attached with blue tack and not some kind of super glue, and the can of bright mint green paint he spotted on an old high chair was as yet unopened. Though judging by the clingfilm covering the horse's mane and tail, it had been a close call. A very close call indeed.
'Told you, you will have to make sure the windows are blocked and also the chimney. By the way, I hope you have taken the same precautions with the chapel...'
'I have,' Darcy breathed out in some relief, sinking down onto the floor. 'I made sure the church is securely locked.'
'And you have been safeguarding the key ever since?'
Eh, well, if one counted leaving it in his Landrover's glove box inside the case that usually held his sunglasses, then yes... - Ah, and it had still been there when he had taken it out to give it to Mrs Younge. So, yes, it was safe to say that it had been securely tucked away. Besides, the hiding place had been so sneakily inconspicuous who would look for it there, right? And if anything had happened, he was pretty certain that his trusted steward would've said something.
'Okay, breakfast and then getting ready I suppose,' Darcy once again sighed, running his hands through his hair.
Bloody hell, this was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, but as yet it felt more like the biggest fuck-up of his existence. Well, as long as he was married to Lizzy at the end of the day, he would face every evil, including the combined force of Mrs Bennet and his aunt. Not that he had much of a choice there anyway. The devil would be easier to deal with and a lot less scary.
'Sounds like a plan, my boy.'
So, breakfast, shower, etc. and then impatiently pacing up and down in his room until it was time to leave for church. Piece of cake.
Chapter 61:
My poor nerves!
'Lizzy, time to get up and ready. You will want to look your best on your wedding day and we have so much to do! The hairdresser will be here shortly,' her mother twittered from some way down the corridor, knocking repeatedly against a door with the same annoying fast-paced rhythm.
Shortly? Bloody hell, a glance at her alarm clock told Elizabeth that it was not even half past five in the frickin' morning. Yes, she was an early riser, but that was decidedly too early even for her.
'Lizzy, where are you? I thought I told you that you had to sleep separately! Oh, my poor nerves!'
Her mother, in her usual disregard for any of her children's privacy, had obviously stepped into her vacant bedroom. Any moment now and... - Yep, of course, their mum came barging in, hands on her hips and a mien of indignation on her face. With some exasperation, Elizabeth buried her face in her pillow, hoping that this was nothing but a bad dream, just that blinking three times in order to wake up brought nothing but the same voice drifting towards her as it had before the attempt.
'Now really, Lizzy! Come on, hop-hop, out of bed.'
Lowering her fluffy shield, Elizabeth groaned: 'Mum, go back to sleep. I'll be ready soon enough. It's still dark outside.'
'But we have so much to do, dear. You need to take a nice long relaxing bath and have your nails painted and then I will ask Jane to do your makeup and then the hairdresser. We hardly have a moment to lose! Oh, I'm all in a flutter already!'
Wow, what a surprise! But seriously, this exceeded even Elizabeth's expectations. And at any rate, she knew that tone of voice all too well, her mother would not brook any opposition. So, better scramble out of bed quickly before... - Yep, exactly because of that!
Without further ado, her mother had pulled away their blanket and thank goodness, Will had the sense of mind to roll around onto his stomach, seeing that they were both not exactly dressed.
'Why are you two naked?'
Eh, why indeed? Duh! One really should think that her mother would leave it at that and leave if only out of common courtesy, but nope, that was clearly too much to ask. And not only that, her mother very obviously expected an answer beyond: 'Because we can.'
'Because we always do, mum!' Elizabeth mumbled, feeling her cheeks turn red like a tomato.
Just a day longer and they would be alone. “Just one more day of this madness...” Elizabeth chanted in her mind like a mantra before resolutely adding: 'Now will you please let us get up in peace? - And without staring at us?'
'Always?' Mrs Bennet gasped, shocked, though she didn't move an inch. 'But what if you get cold, dear, and get sick? You need to think about the little ones.'
Oh, bloody hell...
'Little one, mum. One baby!'
Did she imagine it, or did her voice sound slightly hysterical right now?
How did people in the past manage to have several generations live peacefully under one roof without killing each other once in a while? Thinking about it, they presumably had, it had just not been recorded because it had been such a frequent occurrence, or something along those lines. Anyway, it would explain why it wasn't a common living arrangement anymore.
'Oh, but as yet you can't be certain,' her mother prattled on determinedly as well as completely undeterred. 'Remember your great-grandmother. She and her sister were looking so much alike, as a child they always had me confused. - But never mind, we'll see who's right. But I tell you I am pretty sure it'll be at least one boy. I mean, I had all girls, so the odds are high for boys, I'd say. But if it's girls, that's fine with me, too. But I tell you it'll be the one or the other.'
No shit?
'Eh, Fanny, could you please leave?' Darcy finally managed to chip in, trying to sound as polite as he possibly could.
Elizabeth really had to give him kudos for even half-way managing. Had it been his mother she would have flipped by now. Big time!
'Why? We are almost family Will. No need to be shy. It's not as if I have never seen a naked man before. After all, I've had five daughters and they weren't brought by the stork...'
TMFI! Far too MFI!!! There were things one better didn't think of and one of these things was one's parents having sex. Bah! Nooooooo... That was so not a picture she wanted to have that early in the morning and most certainly not on the morning of her wedding day. Or ever actually.
'Mum, please!' Elizabeth seconded him, dragging herself out of bed at last and with the most dignified expression, she could muster left for her own room pulling her mother with her.
'Mum, seriously, was that really necessary?'
'Why, what did I do? I only wanted to wake you up I could hardly guess that you were naked in your groom's bed at this time of day, could I?'
Eh, yes, she could have and without any stretch of the imagination. However, knowing her mother to point out the obvious would be a futile effort.
'So, I just go and wake up Jane so she can give us a hand and in the meanwhile, you can go and run yourself a nice relaxing bath, Lizzy.'
Nice relaxing bath with her mother around? Fat chance! Oh, and as to waking Jane...
'Mum, why don't you wait a little longer before you wake up Jane. The day will be long enough as it is, don't you think?'
Really, it was one thing that she had to go through this kind of humiliation this early in the morning, but her sister didn't deserve to suffer the same fate, nor did Charles, even after what they had come up with for Will after his stag night, but never mind, her mother in her present state of mind was nothing she wished on her worst enemy. Hell, even Caroline Bingley didn't deserve this!
'But who is supposed to do your nails and makeup?'
'Mum, bath first, okay?'
With some reluctance Mrs Bennet finally agreed, bustling into the bathroom to turn on the tap before rushing back into the bedroom and on to the dressing room, rummaging around in it for half an eternity. So long Elizabeth had the feeling that she needed to start a rescue mission when...
'Lizzy, where is your wedding dress? You didn't let me have a look at it yet, you know?'
Yep, and it had been for a very good reason for her mother's idea of a wedding dress was something along the lines of what
Princess Diana had been wearing, just with more frills, a wider skirt and a longer train, if such a thing was possible. Plus, Elizabeth had decided against a veil and instead just purchased a couple of white silk roses to go into her hair, nothing too fancy, but plain and becoming.
'Why, here it is,' Elizabeth sighed, pulling out her gown with some trepidation as to what would follow and sure enough.
'You cannot be serious, Lizzy!' Fanny Bennet nearly screeched, her face a mask of shock and disappointment. 'This plain white thing? It'll make you look like a nun. I mean, I have seen it, of course, when I had a look around, but I seriously thought it was supposed to be for the wedding night or something. Really, this is your wedding dress? Oh, my poor nerves! Why not wear a nightgown, to begin with? At least they sometimes have some sparkle on them instead of looking so very plain.'
'I could wear my pink Winnie the Pooh one, it's got a glittery shooting star in the background,' Elizabeth couldn't help remarking dryly.
Okay, bad idea. Now her mother was in tears. Brilliant! Just fucking fantastic!
'Mum, I was joking, obviously. But I will wear this gown and that is final.'
'But I really wanted you to look beautiful on your wedding day. Just for once,' Mrs Bennet sobbed. 'You will never be as pretty as your sister Jane, but you could've at least made an attempt to look lovely on your wedding and not like a plain Jane. Is that really too much to ask? But you know what? If we go round to a bridal shop now, perhaps not all will have been in vain. Perhaps we can get you still something more suitable...'
'NO! First of all, it is barely past six in the bloody morning and secondly I really like the dress. I mean, that's why I chose it.'
'Well, have it your way then!' Mrs Bennet snapped, hands on her hips. 'It'll be you regretting to not having chosen something fancier when looking at your wedding pictures in a couple of years from now.'
Which presumably was the very reason why her mother had taken down all her own wedding pictures a couple of years ago. Hm, she had worn a dress that did suspiciously resemble that of the Princess of Wales. - By the way, what was this weird sound of water dripping onto something...