by Karen Swan
‘Keep steady,’ he murmured.
She didn’t need to be told twice, holding herself as still and small as she could so that her body didn’t touch his, not daring to turn and look at him – they would have been nose to nose, eye to eye, mouth to mouth – the rustle of their waterproofs close to her ear as the boat rocked.
She inadvertently closed her eyes, her body instinctively remembering how it had felt to be held by a man – Mitch’s warmth, his solidity. It had been so long now . . . Hap was barely five centimetres behind her and in spite of her best efforts, every so often the rock of the boat meant her back was pressed to his chest, her head at his shoulder. He didn’t move either.
Within a few minutes, they had passed by and the intimacy of the moment was lost as the mist cleared suddenly and the world peered back in on them from the barriers above, cameras snapping. Hap stepped back as though aware of their stares but she didn’t move in any way, terrified she’d betray herself, instead keeping her eyes transfixed on the falls.
When they got off the boat half an hour later, he held out his hand to help her off the gangplank, but unlike yesterday he continued holding it and for a few moments, she pretended this was normal. But Mitch’s memory was snapping at their heels as they walked and eventually she felt obliged to discreetly slip it from his grasp.
He glanced at her but said nothing, and they made their way to the restaurant he’d booked for lunch. They chatted but never talked, Meg barely stopping to draw breath as she kept the conversation on safe ground – asking him about the climate required for growing ice wines and the eye-watering cost of insurance for his car, telling him about the growing problem of wolf packs approaching people and how the parks were asking for the public’s help in ‘keeping them wild’. And in the car on the way back home, the wind did all the work for her, whisking their voices away before they could reach each other’s ears and it wasn’t until they hit the city that they could talk easily again.
Meg felt her nerves spike, knowing that ‘goodbye’ was coming.
‘So I got a call back from my friend at Kate Spade this morning. They’re definitely interested,’ Hap said as they stopped at some lights, his arms straight on the steering wheel. ‘She said she’s going to show it to her boss today or tomorrow, and hopefully give you a call.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Meg murmured, feeling awed that she was in the running for such a prestigious project when she didn’t even have her own business, hadn’t pitched for it. ‘It was so kind of you to put me forward for it.’
‘I’m not sure kind’s the word.’ The light changed to green and he pressed on the accelerator. ‘You were on my mind.’
Meg stared at him but he kept his eyes on the road and she took the opportunity to study his profile. She couldn’t help herself. Everything about him was slick, even his designer stubble. He was good-looking and funny, well-informed and easy-going, with an ability to say one thing with his mouth and entirely another with his eyes.
‘When are you heading back to BC?’ she asked, when he glanced across at her, catching her staring.
‘Wednesday.’ He shot a glance at her. ‘You? Still tomorrow?’
‘Yeah.’ Why still? Did he . . . did he think she’d have changed her flight? For him?
She bit her lip and leaned away from him slightly, resting her arm on the passenger-side door, the wind buffeting her face. She was grateful for the protection of the sunglasses, in every way.
Her phone buzzed and she looked at the screen. Ronnie.
‘K?’ it read.
Meg arched an eyebrow, knowing this was city-speak for ‘Are you OK?’ City people were too busy to actually speak. ‘OK’ was just too long.
‘Ronnie?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, she’s still at the hospital.’
‘Surprise, surprise. Although Jack’s there too so they’re probably not incentivized to leave . . .’ He let the intimation hang in the air and Meg knew she had to say it, tell him now that nothing was going to happen between the two of them.
‘Look, Hap, it’s been really nice of you to do this for me today. I want you to know that I really appreciate it.’
He glanced across at her, hearing the tone in her voice. ‘There’s nothing else I’d have rather done with my day,’ he said simply, pulling up outside an apartment block she recognized – pretty much the only one she recognized in the city. Really? They were here already?
He slung his arm over the back of the seat and smiled at her.
‘It’s just that, you and me . . .’ Her voice trailed off.
‘Yes?’ His eyes were searching for hers behind the lenses.
‘I mean, if you thought something was going to happen between us . . .’
He cracked another of his knowing grins.
‘Yes?’
‘It’s not that I don’t like you, I really do, I’ve loved getting to know you this weekend. It’s just that I . . . I see you as a friend.’
‘A friend?’
‘Uh-huh. You’re really funny and interesting and good-looking—’
‘But?’
She pulled a sorry face. ‘You’re just not my type.’
He looked surprised. And then amused. ‘So what is your type?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said defensively.
‘Well, you must do if you know that I’m not it.’
She shrugged. ‘Dark, maybe? . . . More outdoorsy.’
‘I’m outdoorsy. I’ve had the roof down the whole way.’
She laughed at the jest, relieved he’d taken it well, that they could still be friends.
‘Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I must have been imagining it then,’ he murmured.
Her smile faded. ‘Imagining what?’
He leaned over and pulled off her sunglasses, exposing her to the full wattage of the current that ran between them. She held her breath as his eyes roamed her face, taking in the minute changes in her eyes and cheeks that spoke a truth she wouldn’t utter.
‘That.’
His eyes fell to her lips and she knew he was going to kiss her – that the kiss would be good and she would get lost in it, and then he would become the man between her and Mitch and that would never change, the fact only becoming truer with time that Mitch was gone for ever and she was spiralling further away from him every time the sun set. Despair and desire converged in a swirling maelstrom deep inside her heart. She wanted this man, she knew she needed to move on. But . . . not yet. She couldn’t—
‘There’s no future in it, Hap,’ she whispered as he drew closer still.
‘I’m not interested in the future – or the past. Only right now, that’s all that’s real.’
Was he right? Did she agree with that? Wasn’t she shaped by her past? Surely those years with Mitch had helped make her the woman she was now, sitting in front of him?
But then his lips were upon hers and ready or not, the moment she’d dreaded and craved – the one she had always known would have to happen some day, the one she’d sensed at her back on Saturday – it was here and it was irresistible.
And as she gave herself up to it, all the tears she had yet to cry were stalled with kisses, her despair overwritten, if only for a moment, with this new fleeting joy. And somewhere deep inside, she felt a door close and a lock turn.
Chapter Twenty-two
Tuesday 1 August 2017
‘You’ve got to stop crying,’ Ronnie smiled, wiping Meg’s tears away as a couple walked past them, wheeling their suitcases, concerned expressions on their faces. ‘People will think I’m breaking up with you!’
Meg half-laughed, half-sobbed again. ‘I know, I’m sorry, I just . . .’ she hiccupped.
‘It’s been a big few days,’ Ronnie said knowingly, pulling her in for another hug.
Meg nodded into her shoulder, trying to quell the sobs. ‘I never thought that when I came out here—’
Ronnie pulled back to look at her. ‘I know. But it was good for you, even if it doesn
’t feel like that right now. It was never going to be easy but you pushed yourself forward this weekend, you broke the pain barrier.’
Meg gave her a shocked look. Falling into bed with Hap had been the opposite of painful – it had been hungry and raw and desperate, and then it had been coy and naughty and playful, and then it had been soft and slow and tender . . .
Ronnie laughed, reading her fluently. ‘I’m talking about progress – it isn’t always easy, nor is it linear. I see it all the time with my patients – two steps forward, three back. Today’s the three-steps-back bit. But tomorrow . . . ? You won’t regret it, I promise you that.’
‘You don’t think?’ Meg sniffed.
‘I know. Hey, trust me, I’m a doctor.’
Meg laughed, sniffing and wiping her cheeks dry again.
‘Did you tell him about Mitch?’ Ronnie asked.
Meg shook her head, staring at her trainered feet. ‘No, but I think he’d worked out there was something.’
‘He probably thinks you’re divorced or something.’
‘Single mother, six kids,’ Meg sniffed.
They both laughed again, knowing they were running out of time. The weekend had sped past at warp speed and now it was over. Tuesday morning, back to business. Ronnie’s shift started at lunch.
Meg inhaled deeply and looked back at her little sister, younger by eighteen months, wiser by a lifetime. Their mother had always called her an old soul and it was true. ‘I’m going to miss you.’
This time it was Ronnie’s eyes that welled up. ‘I’m going to miss you too.’
Meg reached for her hand and swung it lightly from side to side, like she used to when they were little. ‘The absolute worst thing about coming here and having such an amazing time is having to leave you again.’
‘So then move here.’ Ronnie said it simply, as though it was just like it had been when she’d relocated six years ago. ‘The city likes you.’
‘I like the city,’ Meg shrugged, giving a little laugh. ‘I never thought I’d say that but I actually do . . . Dolores will be delighted to hear she’s been proved right again.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll definitely come and visit more often.’
‘And I’ll come back too. To tell you the truth, I really miss the silence.’
‘And the stars?’
‘And the stars,’ Ronnie nodded. ‘And the freaking elks walking down the middle of Banff Avenue every night!’
They both laughed, hugging each other hard and long.
‘Are you seeing Jack tonight?’ Meg asked, finally pulling back and getting her boarding card out of her pocket.
‘He’s cooking me dinner.’
‘Wow.’
‘Hmmm, I’m not so sure. He mentioned something about roast toast.’
Meg laughed. ‘Well, we wouldn’t want him being too perfect.’ She picked up her weekend bag. ‘Love you, sis.’
‘Love you.’
She hoicked her bag strap onto her shoulder and turned away, walking towards the departures hall where the tide of people was converging to a point.
‘Meg!’
Meg turned.
‘Think about what I said, OK? Just think about it.’
From: Jonas Solberg
I get it. You want the joke. Or perhaps you’re still in Toronto, living the high life.
Either way, I’m missing your crazy shouts-outs to space already, so here you are:
‘What happened to the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?’
‘He got stuck in Orbit.’
I know, not my finest hour. But I do have the small excuse of battling gravity at the moment.
Now send me one back.
J.
‘Well, hello there, stranger!’
Badger – who’d been snoring on the front step – was awake and bounding across the yard in a nanosecond, whining happily as Meg laughingly kissed the top of his head and made a fuss of him.
Lucy, who’d been unpegging the laundry, stopped dead at the sight of Meg striding towards her, the shirt she was holding falling from her hands. Meg had only been gone for a long weekend but it might as well have been a year, or a lifetime – was that really her? She was wearing clothes that had most definitely not come from Dolores’s store, she had put her hair back in a ponytail that somehow looked more catwalk than gym-bunny because of the way she’d wrapped her own hair around the band, and she was smiling – beaming, in fact – in a way that Lucy hadn’t seen . . . well, since that day when she’d had her final dress fitting and was still anticipating the beginning of her Happy Ever After.
Meg threw her arms around her. ‘Oh, I missed you!’ she gushed, enveloping Lucy in a cloud of expensive-smelling shampoo as Badger ran happy circles around them both.
‘Stranger’s right! Look at you!’ Lucy exclaimed, pulling back to get a better look. ‘What the hell happened? Did they clone you out there? And how tiny is your ass in those jeans?’
Meg giggled, waving away the compliment. ‘Oh, it’s just because Ronnie gave me some of her stuff. Her apartment’s really small and she’s got way too many pairs of jeans, so—’ She shrugged.
Lucy turned her around on the spot. ‘How much did they cost? You can tell they’re expensive from the way they fit.’
‘Really?’ Meg asked. ‘Jeez, I have no idea.’
Lucy looked at her friend’s pert derrière jealously. ‘It’s not fair. I was on at Tuck for ages to get me a pair but . . .’ She shrugged, bringing her hands to rest on her belly. ‘What’s the point now?’
Meg looked down at her bump with amazement. ‘I swear to God it’s grown just since I was gone!’
‘Tell me about it,’ Lucy groaned, pushing her hips forward to take some of the strain off her back. She had finally hit the stage where her bump was unmistakably baby – strangers smiled at her with kindly expressions when she passed, the supermarket clerks insisted on taking her groceries to the car and she loved it. She felt special. She felt seen.
‘Are you tired? Here, let me finish that for you,’ Meg said, dropping her bag to the ground and beginning to unpeg the rest of the clothes.
Lucy sank onto the plastic chair by the door and watched her, still marvelling at the transformation. The sun was sinking fast, its rays dazzling her from behind the hotel roofline and she had to shade her eyes. ‘So then, tell me all about it – what was it like? Noisy? Dirty? Too many people about?’
Lucy realized too late that her big maternity over-bump knickers were hanging on the line, but Meg unclipped them without seeming to notice.
‘No, actually. I mean, yes, of course, all those things, but also . . .’ She wrinkled her nose, her eyes bright. ‘Kind of great.’
‘Great? The Big Smoke? Everything you said you never wanted?’
Meg glanced across at her, still beaming. ‘We did so many great things. I went to Niagara! I mean, oh, my God! Have you ever been?’
Lucy shook her head, already feeling worn out by Meg’s new energy level.
‘You’ve got to go. And SUP boarding, you know, when you stand on the board and paddle? You’d love it. We should go down to Vermilion Lake and—’
‘Ha, you think?’ Lucy scoffed, hugging her belly. ‘My balance is shot to hell. I can barely stand on one leg to get my pants on. I don’t fancy my chances on a surfboard.’
Meg chuckled as she unpegged the final item – a pair of maternity jeans that looked, to Lucy’s eye, as though they’d fit Texas – and picked up the basket. ‘Shall I make us a coffee? I’m dying of thirst. I’ve come straight off the coach,’ she said, heading inside.
‘Sure.’ Lucy went to hoist herself out of the chair again, but Meg told her to stay put. ‘So how’s Ronnie?’ Lucy called into the kitchen, using the special voice they always reserved for talking about Meg’s snooty sister.
‘Ron? She’s great,’ Meg said, speaking over her shoulder as she reached up for the cups from the top shelf and managing to look even more long-legged than she already did. ‘We had such a gre
at time together. We really talked, you know?’
‘Really?’
Meg cradled the mugs in her palms and leaned against the counter. ‘I don’t know why it felt so different being with her – maybe because we were on her patch? I didn’t . . . I didn’t feel like she was judging me, I guess.’ She shrugged, pushing herself to standing again. ‘I just . . . I actually feel like I’ve got my sister back.’
‘Well, that’s great,’ Lucy said flatly, turning away and looking up at the mountains.
‘And she’s got herself a new man.’
Lucy spun back on her seat. ‘No way! I thought she only lived to work?’
‘Nope,’ Meg said, smacking her lips together as though she was savouring the word, and walking to the fridge for the milk.
‘Jesus, there goes my bet that she’d die a virgin.’
Meg chuckled. ‘Don’t!’
‘Well, tell me about him,’ Lucy said with an impatient sigh. ‘Do we approve?’
‘Entirely. He’s gorgeous. Thirty-one I think? Called Jack. He’s a doctor at the same hospital. Saves lives by day and then walks his elderly neighbour’s dog at the weekends.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘He’s perfect and certainly perfect for her. They’re smitten with each other.’
‘Wow.’ Lucy swallowed, feeling a drop of bile in the back of her throat. She stretched; heartburn was beginning to become a problem, just as the nausea was starting to settle.
‘We went out on his boat on the lake on Sunday too. It was so cool.’
Lucy jerked in surprise. He had a boat too? ‘Wasn’t that awkward, just the three of you? I’d have felt such a gooseberry.’
There was a small pause and Lucy peered into the darkness of the kitchen, wondering if Meg had heard her and watching as she poured the boiling water, her back looking narrow and her shoulder blades prominent beneath her new, silky, designer T-shirt.
‘There you go,’ Meg smiled, turning and coming back outside, handing her the mug.
Meg sat on the step beside her, resting against the wall and smiling at Badger as he sat on her feet as though trying to stop her from leaving again.