by Lyssa Cole
“You didn’t ask me. I want to. You helped me through a dark time, and I want to help you. Please let me repay you.”
Her words have my tears flowing freely now. I squeeze my eyes closed and listen to her sing softly to her baby. I’d love her to be here, but it’s too much.
“Think about it at least? I’ll talk to Jax, too. Are you still volunteering at the shelter?”
“I am. I’ve met some nice girls, especially one I’ve become close to. She can be a little sassy thing, but she’s special.” I tuck a few curls behind my ear. “I sort of met someone, too.”
“What? Really? When?” Maddie knows how I feel about dating and relationships. We met after the Jack catastrophe and by then, I was burned and bitter, my heart a hard shell. It’s softened a bit, but love just isn’t in the cards for me. I feel it in my bones.
“It’s kind of strange, but he approached me one day at the shelter. Then I saw him at the salon. It put me off at first, but he kept insisting on one dinner, so I gave in and ended up having the best sex of my life.”
Maddie laughs. “Oh my God, I need details, girl.”
I give her the lowdown, not leaving any details out. Maddie eats up my story and tells me I need to call him.
We end the call several minutes later, and I pull myself up off the couch. It’s almost lunch time and Mom’s been asleep since shortly after breakfast. Aunt Mel is coming over this afternoon to take over while I go to the shelter.
After preparing a lunch of soup and crackers, I carry a tray upstairs for my mom. She’s still sleeping, her hair sticking to her damp forehead. Her left wrist is wrapped and resting in a sling, the sprain needing several weeks to heal. I place the tray down on her nightstand and give her a gentle shake.
Her eyes open to small slits, and she closes them again.
“Mom,” I whisper and shake her again, this time her eyes opening fully.
She smiles when she sees me, but it quickly turns to a grimace.
I help her sit up against the pillows, and she points to the bathroom. She’s back in bed in less than five minutes, and I offer her tray to her.
“I’ll help you eat, if you’d like.” I pick up the spoon and offer her a warm bite of soup. We don’t say a word as I feed her, but our words are there, not spoken yet.
When she’s had her full, she breaks the silence. “My A plus girl, you doing okay?” Her smile is weak and her eyes are dull, their brightness having faded from the ugly illness.
I slide the tray to the end of the bed and cuddle up next to her as I take her hands in mine. “I’m hanging in there, Mom.”
Mom rests her head on mine while I lean on her shoulder. “Make sure you take care of yourself, too, not just me.”
I nod, and we sit in silence as the afternoon light fades, the dark clouds descending on us. A storm is coming and not just outside, but around us too.
The doctors haven’t officially said anything, but I know.
I know what I don’t want to face.
My mom is dying. I need to stop running from it.
But I can’t. It’s killing me, drowning me. Sucking all the life out of me.
How will I ever survive this and be able to come out happy on the other side?
It’s not possible.
How can it be?
Gabe runs through my head on repeat as I drive to the shelter. After my teary afternoon with my mom, Aunt Mel came by and both of them said they want Gabe details later.
I chuckle to myself as I think of the rounds of questioning they’re gonna put me through. There isn’t much to tell, but they think there is.
Gabe and I aren’t anything special.
Hell, we aren’t even anything.
It’s sex, a booty call, nothing more, nothing less.
I didn’t want to be the one to reach out to him first. So, I’ve waited.
It’s been a little over a week since our hot breakfast sex and nothing.
Crickets.
Big, fat crickets.
What were you expecting?
I don’t know what I was fucking expecting. My mind is so messed up it’s hard to think straight about anything.
I should chalk it up to good sex and leave it at that. Maybe it’ll happen again. Maybe not. I don’t have time to stress over it.
A minute later, I pull into the shelter and park near the front. I gather my supplies, excited to show Kayla what I picked up for her. She confided in me she’s always dreamed of having hot pink streaks in her hair with gold sparkles.
I got permission from Mia and gathered the supplies I’d need. I can’t wait to see her reaction.
It warms my heart to be able to help these kids. They need all the love and support they can get. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I shut the car door behind me and walk into the shelter.
Mia greets me at the desk, and we make small talk before I head through the double doors. I spot Kayla sitting in the common room, a hoodie pulled tight around her, her earbuds hanging from her ears. I smile at her and get a small wave back. It’s an accomplishment from last time.
When I approach her, she offers me a small smile and pulls her hood off her head.
“Hi,” she whispers.
“Hey, Kayla. What’s up, pretty girl?” I plop next to her, making her small frame bounce on the couch.
She shrugs but pulls her headphones off. Her eyes spot my bag and her face softens. “Bring anything good?”
I nod and wiggle my eyebrows. “Come on, let’s go to the meeting room and I’ll show you.”
She follows me and as soon as we enter the separate, quiet room, she nosedives for my bag.
I laugh and shake my head. “Patience, girl.”
It’s too late. Kayla grabs the pink hair dye and jumps up and down, her face glowing. “I can’t believe you got it!”
“I got the gold, too.” I beam as Kayla grabs the gold sparkle dye from my bag.
Without warning, Kayla hugs me, and I melt. This sweet, sweet girl.
“Shall we get beautiful?” I ask her.
She nods, and we get to business.
A couple hours later, Kayla has hot pink streaks in her hair with gold sparkles and several of the other women and girls ooh and ahh over her. She loves the attention, and pride bursts through me at being able to help her in what would be a simple way to me but is the world to her.
I make plans with a few other girls for hairstyles and then I spend the rest of the time bonding with Kayla. We laugh and eat dinner together and enjoy each other’s company.
If I ever have a daughter one day, I’d love to have the same relationship with her as I do Kayla. It’s one of the best feelings in the world to know how much of a difference you’re making in someone else’s life besides your own.
Maddie, my mom, Kayla. They all need me or will need me. And I’ll make sure I’m there.
The smell of coffee hovers in the air, filling my nose as soon as I open the door. Aunt Mel’s voice drifts down the stairs. My mom laughs a few moments later, and I smile. It’s a good sound to hear.
I make myself a quick cup of coffee and head upstairs. “Hey, ladies,” I call as I sit on the end of the bed, making myself comfortable.
They both smile at me as they sip their own drinks, their attention now focused on me. “How was the shelter?” Mom asks, and Aunt Mel nods.
“It was good. I’ve been hanging out with a young girl named Kayla. Today, I gave her hot pink and gold sparkle streaks in her hair. She was in heaven.”
“You’re so sweet, A. Always were,” Aunt Mel boasts as Mom nods in agreement.
“What have you two troublemakers been up to?”
“Sitting here, waiting for you to come home so we can get some scoop on that sexy man of yours,” Mom says as she nudges Aunt Mel.
I roll my eyes. “He’s not my man. He’s just a friend.”
“Friends don’t roll around in the sack, usually.” Aunt Mel sips her coffee and gives me the stink eye.
How does
she know we had sex?
“Who says we slept together?”
They both stare at me like I’m dumb for even asking that question.
“We know you did, darling. You don’t get that after sex glow from a facial.” Mom laughs as she sips her tea.
“Okay, okay, fine. We slept together. A few times. But, that’s beside the point. He’s not the relationship type and neither am I.”
“A, that’s not true. You deserve a good man.” Aunt Mel puts down her coffee and sits close next to me. “Love will find you. It always does.”
I shake my head. “Love isn’t for me, Auntie. I’ll be all right. I’ve already accepted it.”
“No, Alicia. I won’t hear that. You deserve the world. You’ll find your soul mate.” Mom’s eyes grow wet, and I swallow over the lump in my throat.
“Maybe, but…I don’t know anymore.”
“Alicia, I want to talk to you about something.” My mom’s voice is stern, and I lock eyes with her. A sweat breaks out over my brow and my palms grow clammy.
“What is it?” I glance at Aunt Mel, but she only looks at my mother, urging her to continue.
“I want to hire a full-time nurse, so you can go to New York and live your life. I don’t want you held back here by me any longer.”
“No, Mom. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I want you to, please, A. You deserve a good life. A happy one. Go out there and get it for yourself.”
Tears slip down my cheek. I’m tired of crying, tired of the sadness. My heart aches in my chest. “I want to take care of you, Mom. Like you’ve always taken care of me.”
Aunt Mel wraps her arms around me as my mother sits up higher, scooting closer to us. “No, A. I called Ruby already. You’re going to New York.”
“What?” I stand. “Why would you call her without speaking to me first? I told you, I’m not going to New York City right now. Maybe someday, but you’re more important to me than any city, business, or guy for that matter!”
Aunt Mel stands and rubs my shoulders, but I push her away. I don’t want her pity. I don’t want her to pull me in and convince me of something I don’t want.
“Think about it, okay? You could finish up some classes, freelance with your business, be close to Ruby, and start a good life for yourself.”
“Fine, I’ll think about it. But I doubt I’ll change my mind.” I grab my coffee mug and leave the room.
My mind swirls with thoughts as I fix myself another cup of coffee.
I’m not leaving my mother while she’s dying. What if something happens after I’m gone and I can’t get back here quick enough to say goodbye?
I’d have to live with that on my head forever, and I can’t do it.
I won’t.
I want that life. God, do I want it. But my mother is more important to me. My career and love life can wait. She means well, I know she does, but I can’t help but get defensive. She needs to let me put her first for once.
She needs me. And that’s all that matters.
Chapter 14
Gabe
My windshield wipers squeak as they brush over the glass, the mist just enough to be annoying. It’s chilly and raw, and I run my hands in front of the rental truck’s heat, trying to warm up. One nice thing about being away from home on a case are the luxuries we get.
The townhouse suites, a badass pickup truck, along with a business phone and laptop. The location might suck along with the weather, but at least I live in comfort.
I steer the truck into a parking lot, the coffee shop buzzing with the lunch rush hour. I’m in and out in less than ten minutes, the coffee order placed ahead of time by Joe. We need coffees and some sugar to survive this day.
It’s been a fucking slog the past week as we spend hours deliberating and coming up with plans. The days have blurred together, all of them feeling the same. I work all day, barely have time for the gym or walks with Luna, then it’s sleep and back to work.
Being in the same room for hours upon hours with the same people is exasperating. I’d rather do physical labor at this point. The air in the room chokes me, the walls closing in and suffocating me. A lot of times I get up to leave and I’m first to volunteer to pick up lunch. I need the fresh air.
An end is in sight; we should be ready to crack this case soon.
My mind steers back to Alicia.
I can’t get that woman out of my damn head. I lie down at night and see her face, I wake up in the morning and see her face. A strong need possesses me to see her again.
A part of me wants to make sure she’s okay while the other part of me wants to fuck her silly. I tried to ignore the burn, the one that had my fingers itching to call her every second of every day. But it began to consume me, and she was inside my every waking thought.
I broke down and called her. We’re having dinner tonight. Her voice filtered through me, and we spent an hour talking on the phone about nothing.
It was one of the best convos I’ve ever had.
I want to spend more time with her, so much more time. I push the nagging thought to the back of my head that I’m not permanently staying here and it’s a bad idea to get involved with a local. Our training classes warned us about these exact types of situations. It never ends well.
But fuck if I can’t resist her.
She’s a balm for my hurting soul.
A soothing presence I’ve never found with anyone else.
What’s so wrong with needing someone like that? Someone who can help you, support you.
It’s wrong if I can’t help back. And I can’t.
My life is dangerous, full of unknowns. She can’t be wrapped up in my shit. I need to protect her from it and that means not getting involved.
I can’t be a good support to someone when I have so much darkness myself. My darkness would consume her the way it consumes me. That’s not fair to her.
She’s full of light and happiness and doesn’t deserve to be dulled by me.
A dinner shouldn’t do any harm, though, right? A nice meal shared between two friends who enjoy each other’s company.
That’s all it is, right? No harm done.
Or, so I think.
Her lavender scent fills the truck, and my cock stirs. Her smell is intoxicating, and I can’t help but drool over her in the cute skirt she’s rocking. My eyes roam up her long legs covered in thick tights with soft fur boots on her feet. She’s wearing a fleece jacket, complete with gloves, a scarf, and a hat that tames those sexy curls.
She smiles at me, and that one smile, that breath-catching, heart-stopping smile, sucks me in, down into a trance, my mouth finding hers on its own.
Our kiss is needy and possessive.
Hot and desperate.
It’s as if I’ve been starved for water and she’s my drink.
I can’t get enough, my tongue exploring hers, as small moans escape my throat.
My hands push off her hat and tangle in her curls, pulling her closer to me, not letting her break away.
We kiss and kiss until our mouths are swollen and I need to back away for both of us to gulp down air. I press my forehead to hers as I rub my nose along hers. I close my eyes and pray this moment never ends. Her mere existence soothes me.
I never imagined someone could do this for me, never mind actually experiencing it.
Her name comes off my lips in a whisper before I capture her mouth again, her sweet lip gloss teasing me.
Time disappears as we focus on each other. She must feel it too. It swirls thick in the air between us.
Sometime later, I finally back out of the driveway and drive us to dinner. The food is delicious and our conversation flows easily. We share a bottle of wine, Alicia growing flushed and giggly as the night wears on.
“Tell me, are you really looking to adopt?” She studies me, and my stomach flips. I knew eventually she’d want to know.
“I’m not entirely sure. I’ve always had a soft spot for kids looking for
a family. My job doesn’t really seem to be a good fit for parenting, but things have a way of working out, don’t they?”
“Traveling isn’t easy when raising kids and you being a travel salesman will mean long trips on the road.”
I nod. Traveling salesman is the cover I always use. It covers the need for traveling and why I stay in places for periods of time, trying to work out deals. “A teen might be a better fit. Handle the travel better, anyway. School could be an issue.”
Alicia grins. “Most likely an issue. I love the teenagers there. I’ve grown close to Kayla. She’s an amazing person underneath all that shitty trauma. I hope she gets a chance at the life she deserves.”
My heart squeezes. Alicia is an amazing person, and I don’t deserve her. She deserves so much better than me.
I’m such a selfish prick. I want her all for myself.
“I hope she does too. None of those kids, or women for that matter, deserve to be in that situation.” I sip the last of my wine.
Alicia reaches out, putting her hand in my own. “You’re an awesome guy, you know that, Gabe?”
I look away. No, I’m not.
It’s all lies. I’m dark and evil, and I’m only going to weigh her down, hold her back. Sure, I love kids and feel for those in shelters and without families. It touches home with me, and I want to help in any way I can. But adopt one? While being single?
Not too sure about that. I have to keep my cover or me being at the shelter is suspicious.
“Thanks, but you’re awesome. You volunteer and spend your free time there, helping out.” I lean across the table and kiss her lips. “Ready to go have some real fun?”
She laughs and after we finish and I pay, we’re in my truck. I head to the church parking lot where I plan to look at the stars with Alicia, but this time she’ll be in my arms.
“Where are we going?” Her question snaps me from my thoughts.
“You’ll see.” I grin and throw her a wink. She shakes her head and goes back to looking out the window.
Ten minutes later, I pull in, and Alicia squeals. “I knew it!” A beam of happiness shines from her.
I park the truck in the area with the most open sky space and hop out, ready to show her what I brought. I grab the bag I packed earlier from behind my seat before shutting my door.