by Lyssa Cole
“Yeah, let’s hope so.”
Anne tilts her head to the side. “Were you guys serious?”
I look away and shrug. “To be honest, I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell we were. What I do know is I miss the hell out of her.”
“Can’t get her out of your head, missing her every second of the day?”
I nod and shift on the couch.
“That’s love, my friend. One hundred percent bonafide fuck your heart love.”
I glare at her, my nostrils flaring.
“It’s not love. It can’t be.”
Right?
Alicia
The walls in my apartment are bare, all of my photos and memorabilia neatly packed up. I glance around at all of the boxes, and dread fills me, like a lead anchor in the ocean, sinking to the bottom.
I wish I could be happier about moving, but it’s hard when it’s not the place you want to move to. Nor is your favorite person alive anymore. I’m moving to my mother’s house, staying to take care of it.
Aunt Mel keeps insisting I go, that she’ll take care of it for me, but she already has enough on her plate. I didn’t want to burden her even though she threw the offer out there.
Now that the salon is gone, I was thinking of starting my own place, but I’m not sure it’s the right fit for me. I could go back to my makeup and hair with clients.
I just don’t know.
My brain is running on overdrive, trying to make sense of everything.
I can’t believe the boss I worked for was such a disgusting waste of human. The things he did…all under my nose. How could I have been so stupid? My gut told me something was off, and I ignored it, hoping it wasn’t true.
And Kayla, my poor Kayla.
Abused and tortured.
I lost it. I lost it when I saw her locked up, unconscious and drugged.
Gabe had to pull me away kicking and screaming. Gabe. My heart lurches.
I close my eyes in pain at the memory. Staring down at my hands, my chin quivers.
Kayla’s doing well now. I visit her at the hospital, and I’ve spoken to Mia about fostering Kayla while a family is located for adoption. Another reason to stay here.
She deserves a chance, a good fighting chance, and I want to help however I can.
I rub the back of my neck and stand, moving to the kitchen. I grab a bottle of water, the only item left in the fridge. The kitchen looks sad and empty, lonely.
Leaning against the counter, I gulp the cold water, my fingers tapping on the counter.
My eyes are heavy. They burn and feel puffy. I can only imagine what I must look like. Running my hands through my hand, I discover my curls are a tangled mess, and I can’t remember the last time I showered.
What’s the point?
Mom’s gone.
Gabe’s gone or will be soon. And after what happened, it’s like I don’t know him.
Gabe. Butterflies fill my stomach, and I’m overcome with dizziness.
What is Gabe to me? A boyfriend? A friend with benefits? We never were anything. And he wanted me to trust him. He pleaded with me to trust him, and I let my guard down and did trust him.
The truth came out. His job, his partner. They weren’t lies.
But leaving without a word, not answering calls, and refusing to explain yourself—how can I forgive that?
While he was gone, my mother died. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to her. I never had the chance I wanted, never got to say the words I held inside for her.
I needed Gabe that day. I needed him so bad.
A shoulder to lean on during the services. The support only he can give me.
But he wasn’t there. He was gone, and I just have to accept it and be okay with it.
But, I can’t.
Dealing with this grief on my own has taught me a lot. Maybe it’s good he wasn’t here. I wouldn’t have healed the same way. On my own, strong for myself.
What am I saying? I don’t even know anymore.
A sob escapes my lips, my throat burning in agony.
Chocolate. I need chocolate.
Like any crutch, I crave something to mask the pain. Soothe it. Dull it.
Make it fucking hurt less.
Tears slip down my cheeks as I frantically search for the bag of chocolates in my purse on the counter. I start tossing shit behind my shoulders. I need it, anything to stop this pain.
My fingers slip through the insides of my purse, everything but the chocolates coming across my fingertips. “I need this fucking chocolate,” I mutter to myself as I still search.
It’s gone. I can’t find it. I pick up my purse and throw it across the room, the contents scattering.
I sink to my ass on the kitchen floor and cry until there’re no tears left.
Rushing around the house, I gather empty boxes and throw them down the basement stairs. I moved in three days ago, and I’m still unpacking the boxes. The house was in need of a good cleaning, and I’ve been busy setting it up.
Packing Mom’s things is another story. I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to pack them up. I may keep some around in memory of her. I like having her surround me in some way. It’s comforting.
My breath hitches when the pain strikes through me, as fresh as the day it happened.
Will it ever dull or go away?
I miss her.
The doorbell rings.
Yes, finally.
I swallow back my tears and fan my face with my hands.
Deep breaths. In and out.
Don’t cry.
I reach the door and my emotions overwhelm me. My eyes fill with tears.
I can’t wait to see her.
Taking a deep breath, I open the door and there she stands, a small smile peeking through.
“Kayla!” I yell and pull her into a hug.
Her body tenses but only for a moment, then she’s hugging me back, relaxing into mine.
I squeeze her tight while smiling at Mia, her own tears slipping down her cheeks.
Pulling back, I cup Kayla’s face with both my hands and stare down into her gorgeous face. “You’re a beautiful, strong woman. You’ll go on to do great things. I’m sure of it. Remember I’m always here for you, no matter what.”
My vision blurs, the tears sliding down my face and dripping off my chin.
I knew it from the start, this girl is special. She’s going places.
I’ll make sure she gets there.
Chapter 26
Gabe
Luna barks at me from the couch, and I roll my eyes.
“Okay, girl, okay. We’ll go for a walk soon.”
Luna groans, flopping down on the floor, the leash still hanging from her mouth.
I chuckle. That dog is one of a kind.
I’ve been back in the city for a few weeks now, the Fourth of July holiday coming up. Joe is having a big party with his wife and kids, a cookout complete with s’mores, campfire singing, and of course, fireworks. Joe wants me there, but I don’t have it in me to socialize.
My days are filled with work, Luna, and my brain constantly thinking about Alicia. I’ve tried to stop it, to ignore it, but it never goes away. From dawn to dusk, she’s in my head.
I want to make sure she’s okay, hear her voice, see her face…
Fuck, I screwed up. I begged her to trust me, believe me, only for me to turn my back and leave without warning. How stupid am I?
I decide to call her, the first time since I’ve been back home. I doubt she’ll answer.
Her voicemail clicks on, and I wait for the beep tone. “Hey, Alicia, hope you’re doing well. Please call me so we can talk. There’s…” I pause and breathe deeply. “There’s a lot to talk about. And…well, never mind. Call me.” I hang up and toss my phone down. Damn, I almost said I miss you.
Rubbing the back of my neck, I stretch my legs. Luna jumps up, bringing her leash to me. She sits in front of me, offering her paw, the leash still hanging from her mouth.
> I laugh and shake my head. “I need to find a dog walker for you. Someone with lots of energy and who enjoys lots of walks.”
Luna barks and gives me her paw.
Grabbing the leash, I roll my eyes. “Let’s go, silly.”
“I’m worried about you, boss.” Joe eyes me as he sips his beer.
I dip my buffalo chicken in blue cheese before popping it in my mouth. I don’t reply, focusing on my delicious food. Damn, it’s good to be eating the city’s finest grub again.
“Boss, the food isn’t going anywhere.” Joe waves his beer in front of me.
I look up and grunt, going back to my chicken. At least it doesn’t ask questions.
“Listen, I know a lot of shit went down. But you accomplished so much. Your uncle and brothers are taken care of. The case in Buffalo is done. Those are major achievements, Gabe. Pat yourself on the back.”
He has a point, but it’s not what I want.
What I want is a gorgeous woman with a head full of messy curls, whose appetite for sex matches my own. But I’ve already caused her enough pain.
She proved it to me when she never called me back. A week has passed and no word.
I spent the holiday alone with Luna. We binge watched Netflix shows, eating our weight in popcorn and dog bones.
“That’s not what you want, is it?”
His question takes me by surprise. I’ve never told him my true feelings; he must read me well.
I shrug, unable to meet his gaze.
Do I want to admit it out loud?
Do I want to admit I’m completely and hopelessly in love with her?
Saying it out loud confirms it’s true. Puts it out there for others to know and judge.
“Boss?”
“I don’t know, Joe. Can we change the subject?”
He nods, but his face falls. He’s hurt.
“I’m sorry, it’s a sore spot, that’s all.” I hold my beer up to him. “Thank you.”
He taps my beer with his. “Anytime, boss. Anytime.”
Alicia
I’m moving again. It’s only been six weeks since I moved into my mother’s home.
But Ruby and Kayla wouldn’t give up. Neither would Aunt Mel or even Maddie.
Ruby misses me, wants me there with her, experiencing the city together like we always dreamed we would.
Kayla wants to live in the city, a part of her always wanting to go there. How can I say no to her when a small sliver of happiness finally shows on her face?
Aunt Mel tells me to go. It’s what Mom would’ve wanted. She’ll watch the house and it’ll be there for whenever I want to come home.
Maddie wants me to be happy. She knows I’ve dreamed of the city and urges me to go.
After nights of crying, some nights full of screams and punches, I came to a conclusion.
It’s time to move forward. Live my life.
I’ll carry my mom around with me. She took a piece of my heart when she left this earth and while that’ll never heal, I hope the days will get easier, the burden lighter to carry.
I pray I’ll walk in one day and she’ll be sitting on the couch, her face lighting up with her amazing smile. It hurts like a motherfucker knowing it’ll never come true.
She’s gone forever, but her memory is still with me, and I need to accept that, cherish it, and tell myself it’s all I need.
It’s all I need.
Kayla and I are headed to the city now, our car packed with just the essentials. I managed to sublet an apartment, one that’s already furnished and move-in ready.
Nervous butterflies swarm in my stomach. I can’t wait to see Ruby, show Kayla the city and discover more together. I’m ready to start building my business and growing my client base.
Gabe. Don’t forget Gabe.
No, I’m not going to look for him. Or think about the fact he lives in the city. No. No. No.
It’s over and the ship has sailed.
Why do I miss him? Why does his face linger in my mind and his voice fill my dreams?
I push those feelings down and focus on the road. Kayla’s dancing to whatever she’s listening on her headphones, and I smile. It’s amazing to see her happy now.
We arrive in the city, the hot, thick air filling the car and making me sweat. Kayla watches outside the window, drinking in all the new sights around her. I pull up to the apartment building and follow the signs to the parking lot.
This apartment is perfect for us. A decently-sized, two bedrooms, complete with anything we could ever need. And off-street parking—who can top that in the city? I was informed it’s better to not have a car, but I can’t be without my wheels. I don’t like feeling stuck nor relying on public transportation.
Parking the car, Kayla hops out, eager to go inside. “Damn, it’s hot. I should’ve worn the shorts.”
“I told you, girl. You didn’t want to listen to the old lady.”
Kayla grins. “Maybe next time I will.”
We grab a couple of suitcases from the trunk and walk to the front door. I met up with the owners last week, exchanging paperwork and keys. We’re on the first floor, complete with an outdoor patio off the living room.
“What number, again?” Kayla asks as we move down the hallway.
“It’s 104. Should be right around here.”
“Found it!”
I slide the key in the lock and swing the door open, the air smelling sweet and refreshing. A wave of comfort washes over me, and I know I’m going to love it.
Kayla goes in first, flicking lights as she goes. We drop our suitcases and begin to explore, taking in our new space.
There’s a big, eat-in kitchen complete with all new appliances. A spacious dining room table the color of mahogany fills half the room and a gorgeous matching china cabinet sits along the wall. The living room has a set of matching couch, loveseat, and a recliner complete with a coffee table and two end tables. A big flat screen TV hangs on the wall above a fireplace.
Kayla walks over to the glass sliding door. “What a great view!”
I come up behind her, excited for a nice city view, but all I see are trees. And more trees. “What, the trees?”
Kayla laughs. “Got ya to look.”
I pull her into a hug and chuckle. “I’m so happy you’re here with me.”
Kayla squeezes me back and whispers, “Me too, A. Me too.”
We finish exploring the apartment. Down the hall are the two bedrooms, the master having its own bath and walk-in closet. There’s also a full bathroom in the hall with laundry nested inside. A linen closet is inside the bathroom, a perfect spot for towels and other things.
Both bedrooms have matching dresser sets with flat screen TVs and queen-sized beds. The master bedroom also includes a sitting area with soft armchairs.
“You couldn’t have picked a better place.” Kayla flops down on her bed, stretching out. “Mmm…so comfy.” She spreads her legs and arms.
“Liking the size of the bed? A lot better than a twin, right?”
She nods, and I lie down next to her, pushing her over.
“Hey!” She giggles but makes room for me.
“Want to hit the town for some dinner? Ruby’s dying to take us out. In fact, she should be here soon.”
“Yes, what will we wear?” She jumps up and takes off, coming back with her suitcase. “Fashion show time!”
I laugh and get comfortable. We’ll be here for a long time knowing Kayla, as she tries on every dress in her wardrobe.
I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Chapter 27
Gabe
I stretch my legs, getting them ready for my morning run. It won’t be a short run. I’ve got a lot of shit on my mind.
Luna barks as she waits, pacing back and forth in front of her leash. I ignore her and continue to stretch. I finish and go grab a bottle of water and some cookies for Luna.
Once she’s hooked to her leash, I’m out the door. Being on the first floor has a
lot of advantages and makes it easier for Luna.
As I walk down the hallway, a familiar smell passes my nose and my knees almost buckle on the spot. I walk backward and then forward again, the smell still there.
I’m not imagining it. I smell her. Her sweet perfume, her hair products—they all smell like coconut and tropical fruit. I can’t move, frozen on the spot.
Luna looks up at me and barks, but I can’t focus. The smell surrounds me, and I breathe it in deep.
Keep going, Gabe. It’s nothing. Someone with the same smell.
Luna barks again, and I shush her. Last thing I need is someone coming out here wondering what the hell I’m doing loitering around the hallway or complaining about my dog…
Fuck, too late.
The door I’m standing next to swings wide-open, and I blink several times, unable to comprehend what I’m seeing.
“Kayla?” I step closer. “Is that you?”
She looks up and meets my eyes, her face breaking into a huge smile. “Gabe!” she cries and jumps into my arms. “Thank you, thank you for saving me. I was hoping I’d see you one day so I’d be able to tell you in person how thankful I am.”
I hug her back before pulling away. “I’d do it again in a heartbeat. But, listen, why are you here? Are you okay?”
She nods. “I’m fine. Alicia and I just moved here the other day.”
It’s as if my world stops spinning. Did I hear her right?
“Moved here? The two of you?”
“Yes. Alicia is fostering me.”
That woman never fails to amaze me.
I shake my head as I try to process the new information. “Wow, that’s great. And she decided to move here?”
Kayla nods. “She said it’s always been a dream of hers.”
I smile to myself as I remember Alicia telling me the same thing.
She made it. She finally made it here.
“Is she here now?”
Kayla studies me. She must’ve heard the desperation in my voice because her mouth tips up into a grin, her eyes lighting up. “No, you actually just missed her. But, she’ll be back by lunch time.”
Damn it, I missed her by mere seconds. But that explains the smell in the hallway.