She was fucking hideous.
Then my eyes shifted to Derek…the light of my life.
He left her side and sprinted to me. “Dad!” He crossed the lobby in his shorts and Giants t-shirt and headed straight toward me.
I kneeled and smiled, my hands outstretched to catch my son.
He jumped into my arms, holding on to my neck.
I chuckled as I caught him, my arms squeezing him tightly, my chin on his shoulder. Once his heartbeat was next to mine, I felt that same sense of joy he always gave me. I was never really whole when he was on the other side of the country. When he was with me, it was a lot more work, took alot of time to take care of him, but once he was gone, I was devastated. I’d rather be hustling all the time to be a father than to live without him. “How’s my little man?”
“Good.” He pulled away and looked at me. “Why can’t I stay with you?”
If I took Derek, I’d have to offer Valerie a room too. And fuck that. “Your mother wants to stay with you. And you’ll see me all day.”
“Okay. What are we going to do first? Can we go to the cabin?”
I couldn’t take Valerie to that holy place. She’d taint it with her evil nature. “No cabin. But I’ve got lots of other fun stuff for us to do.”
“Like what?” He jumped in excitement.
“Like, you’ll see.”
He stuck out his tongue. “Come on, Dad.”
Valerie reached us, her long, tanned legs visible behind Derek. “Hey, Deacon.”
It took me a second to cooperate, to leave the comfort of my son and rise to my full height to look my ex-wife in the eye, to greet her with something other than hostility. She was a tall woman at five foot eight, but I was five inches taller, so I looked slightly down at her. When Cleo didn’t wear heels, she was a little difficult to kiss, but I loved her petite size. I loved everything about her—her soul, especially. I looked into Valerie’s green eyes, her face caked with makeup, her over-plump lips. When I first saw her, I’d thought she was a fine piece of ass. But now I looked at her with revulsion.
Couldn’t believe I fucked her for five years.
I couldn’t bring myself to hug her because that disgusted me, but a handshake would be inappropriate. Eye contact was all I could offer. I cleared my throat. “Hey, Valerie. How was your flight?”
She seemed disappointed that I didn’t greet her with more warmth than that.
But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to touch her ever again. My hand went to Derek’s shoulder, and I pulled him into my side.
She stared at me for a while, sliding her fingers through her hair. “It was fine. A little bumpy.”
Silence lingered.
I continued to look at her, having no idea what to say. I wished she would just go back to the room and let Derek and me hang out. I glanced to the side and saw Tucker standing there. He cringed and mouthed, “Yikes.”
Derek looked around. “Is Cleo coming?”
I wished Derek hadn’t asked, because Valerie immediately looked pissed at the question.
I patted his shoulder. “No. It’s just going to be us three.”
“Oh…” He looked devastated even though he’d just gotten here. “Will we see her tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure.” I directed him toward the front doors. “We’ll see.”
The three of us went to dinner.
We sat at a table, Derek beside me, while Valerie chose the seat directly across from me.
I wished she’d taken the other seat.
She drank her glass of wine, smearing her lipstick all over the glass, and she picked at her salad like she didn’t really enjoy it all that much.
“This is the best mac and cheese I’ve ever had.” Derek kept scooping it into his mouth. When he’d wanted to order something I didn’t approve of, I didn’t argue, because I really didn’t want to deal with it right now.
Valerie kept staring at me, giving me that look that told me there would be retribution if I wasn’t kind enough, if I didn’t talk enough. To her, I was a freak who didn’t know how to communicate. Now that I had Cleo, I realized Valerie just didn’t know how to listen. She expected me to become more like her instead of her becoming more like me.
Fuck, I missed Cleo.
“How’s your dinner?” I asked, trying to dissolve her aggression.
She shrugged. “You’d think a five-star restaurant would know how to throw a salad together…”
My salmon was good, but I couldn’t really enjoy it because I was so uncomfortable with the situation. “I’m sure the room service is good at the hotel if you’re still hungry.”
She shook her head. “I don’t eat past eight. Why do you think I look like this?”
“Like what?” I asked.
She raised an eyebrow. “Like a hot piece of ass.”
Both of my eyebrows shot up when she cursed in front of Derek. Did she talk like that all the time?
Derek continued to eat like he hadn’t noticed anything. He either really didn’t notice…or he was used to it.
I wanted to reprimand her, but there would be consequences if I confronted her, so I just let it go. It gave me a bit of anxiety because I felt like I was going back in time, back to a difficult marriage with a toxic person. I felt trapped then. I felt trapped now. But Derek was the prize that hung over my head, and if I didn’t play nice, she would take him away from me.
Sometimes I wished she were dead.
She continued to stab her fork into her salad, taking small bites like she was bored. “What are we doing tomorrow?”
“Thought we’d have lunch, then go to the aquarium.”
She didn’t seem excited by that.
“The aquarium?” Derek asked. “That sounds so cool.” He was totally immune to her coldness, his light unaffected by her darkness.
“They have a starfish exhibit,” I said. “You can touch them.”
“Wow, really?” Derek turned to me. “Did you know starfish push their stomach out of their bodies, digest their food, and then pull it back in?”
“Actually, yes,” I answered. “But I’m impressed you know that.”
“I want to know everything.” He returned his attention to his macaroni. “Like you do.”
“Trust me, I don’t know everything,” I said immediately. Basic human interactions were beyond my scope of understanding.
“I think you do.” Derek stirred his macaroni and took another bite.
A smile formed on my lips, and I suddenly felt a sense of pride, loving the way my son looked up to me, thought I was his superhero. “Well…thanks.”
Valerie cleared her throat—and destroyed everything.
I turned back to her.
“Are you done?” she asked, looking at my plate where there was food I was clearly still eating.
I stared at her blankly, surprised she’d asked that.
“I want to see your place.”
“I thought I would just walk you guys back to the hotel.” I didn’t want her anywhere near my private space.
“I want to see your place,” she repeated. “See what the big deal is about this fancy building.”
Derek went quiet, eating his food with his head down like he wanted to disappear from the tension. He wasn’t himself, the happy and curious child who loved to have discussions at the dinner table. Like he knew a fight was about to happen, he became as small as possible.
I hated this bitch. “Yeah…sure.”
We took the elevator to my floor then walked to the front door.
Valerie stared at everything, scoping it out.
I got the door unlocked, and we stepped inside.
“Mom, you want to see my room?” Derek grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her down the hallway. “Isn’t it cool?”
I sat on the couch, needing a break from this shitty night.
“It’s nice, honey.” Valerie returned a few seconds later, as if she didn’t even really look at his bedroom. She walked through and ex
amined everything, like she was searching for something. Then she went down the hallway—to my bedroom.
What the fuck?
I went after her. “Valerie.”
“I want to see your bedroom.”
It took all my strength not to scream at her, not to shove my fists through the wall for Cleo to fix later. I stepped into the room and watched her look around. “What are you doing?” I kept the cuss words quiet since Derek was in the other room.
She went into my closet.
My heart plummeted into my stomach. Cleo’s clothes were in my closet, her makeup in my bathroom drawers.
But Valerie reemerged like she hadn’t seen anything. Then she went into the bathroom.
I moved to the closet—and saw that Cleo’s clothes were gone.
Valerie came out of the bathroom again. “That view is something else…” She looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows.
Maybe this was a bad idea. Instead of having a mature conversation about our relationship moving forward, she was sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, treating me like a possession rather than a human being. She acted like she owned me—still. “I’ll walk you back to the hotel.”
“I thought we’d have a drink—”
“I’m walking you back,” I said without turning around. “Come on.” I returned to the living room.
Derek was there, sitting on the couch.
Valerie followed me. “What did you just say to me?”
This was a terrible fucking idea. I wasn’t going to get what I wanted, to see my son every day, but one day he would understand. I needed to be free of this woman. Otherwise, I’d be miserable forever. “Derek, let’s go.”
Valerie moved behind me. “I’m talking to you.”
Derek got off the couch, but instead of moving to the door, he walked up to Valerie. “Stop it.”
We both went quiet.
I turned to him, seeing him looking up at Valerie.
“You’re always making Dad sad. Stop making him sad.”
My expression was stoic as I stared at my son, seeing him stand up for me when it wasn’t his problem. He shouldn’t have to worry about this. He should be enjoying his childhood, not be stressed about the way his father was being treated by his mother. But the gesture touched my heart.
Valerie was speechless.
“Derek.” My hand moved to his shoulder. “It’s alright.”
He pushed me off him. “It’s not alright. Stop it.” He stared at Valerie, tears in his eyes. “When he’s sad…I’m sad.”
I inhaled a deep breath, feeling his pain instantly. I kneeled to the floor and wrapped my arms around him, my eyes wet too. “Come here, little man.” I pulled him to my chest, my hand cupping the back of his head. “Shh…it’s alright.”
Valerie continued to stand there, like she had no idea what to say.
I pulled away and looked into the reflection of my emotional expression, the way his cheeks reddened just the way mine did. “It’s gonna be alright.” I didn’t believe Valerie and I would ever find common ground, but I didn’t want him to be upset. I just wanted him to be happy, the happiest boy in the world.
“You don’t deserve to be sad…” He pulled away from me and went into his bedroom down the hall.
I stayed on my knees, unable to believe that had just happened.
Valerie crossed her arms over her chest.
After a minute of silence, I got to my feet again, looking at her, my eyes still wet. “I want to work this out with you, Valerie. But our son is right. Your behavior needs to stop. If it’s obvious to a five-year-old, even if he is gifted, then you need to change. What kind of example are you showing him? I left because you’re controlling, manipulative, and simply toxic. We aren’t married, so I won’t put up with it anymore. You have no right to treat me this way anymore. You use our son against me to get away with it. But time passes quickly, and when he’s an adult, he’ll want nothing to do with you. Kids remember things. Kids see more than we give them credit for. You still have time to change that…and I suggest you do. Otherwise, you’ll lose your son for good.”
Her chin was tilted toward the floor, her arms still across her chest. She didn’t show any emotion, but it was obvious that the interaction affected her, that the innocence of a child was impossible to fight. He painted her in a hideous light so she couldn’t pretend it was untrue.
“We’re never getting back together, Valerie.”
Her eyes shifted to mine.
“I’m a lot happier on my own. If that makes you want to keep Derek from me, then there’s nothing I can do about it. But now that I know he understands. I know he’ll forgive me for not being there all the time, that he’ll know the only reason I wasn’t there was because of you—no other excuse.” Derek gave me more than he realized. He took the guilt from my shoulders, understood my pain like a friend. “But please don’t take him away from me. He’ll only be this age once, and I don’t want to miss all of that.”
She was still quiet.
“Valerie, you’re gorgeous. You can have any man you want, so why can’t you let me go?”
Her eyes moved to the floor again. “Because I can have any man I want, but the one man I want doesn’t want me.”
“So, you only want me because you can’t have me?” That was so childish, it made me sick.
“No…because you’re the only man I’ll ever love.”
I felt pity for her when I shouldn’t, when she didn’t deserve it. But somehow, I did. “I’m sorry…” I didn’t know what else to say. “I’d like to move on, as friends, for the well-being of our son. But you’re making that impossible. I don’t want to hate my son’s mother—”
“You hate me?” Her voice broke.
I didn’t know how to answer that without being cruel. “You make me miserable.”
Her eyes watered.
The silence lasted for minutes, and I watched my ex wipe away her tears and sniffle. Now I felt like the asshole, when I’d finally said the words she needed to hear.
“I just feel like you never really gave me a chance. You never tried.”
“Valerie, you can’t try to love someone. You do, or you don’t.”
“But you can’t love someone unless you’re at least open to the idea. You wouldn’t even open that door…”
“You tricked me into knocking you up.”
“I did not—”
“Come on,” I snapped. “You did. Lie all you want, but I know you did. And honestly, I don’t even care because Derek is the best thing that ever happened to me. But let’s not rewrite history here. How am I supposed to love someone when our relationship is based on deceit? You need to trust someone before anything like love can happen, and I never trusted you.” I spoke from personal experience without even realizing it. Cleo had always been honest with me, only had good intentions, and looked after me. What I had with her was real…so fucking real. “And you’ve never accepted me for being who I am. I’m not talkative. I never have been.”
“This is the most I’ve ever heard you talk, actually.”
Because I had something to say.
“Can we try again?” she whispered. “Derek deserves to have his parents stay together—”
“Parents don’t need to stay together to be a family. We can still be a family. But no, that won’t happen, Valerie. And it’s a disservice to you because you deserve to be with a man who loves you.”
“What if we tried therapy?”
“No.” I couldn’t give her any hope. I was too tempted to tell her about Cleo…that she was the only woman for me. But I didn’t, knowing it would just make the situation worse. “I’m willing to do that to make a better relationship for Derek, but not for romantic reasons.”
She inhaled a deep breath, her fingers digging into her arms.
“But I would like to be friends…someday.”
She watched me, a tear coming loose.
“You need to stop interrogating me about my life. You nee
d to respect me as a person. You can’t just walk into my bedroom and look through my stuff. It’s completely inappropriate.”
She had the humility to look away like she was embarrassed. “When I thought you and Cleo were together, it just drove me crazy. She’s a very attractive woman, and hearing Derek go on about her…made me feel replaced. And I just…couldn’t handle it.”
I wanted to be honest and tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her that her suspicions had been correct—and Cleo was the best thing that ever happened to me. But that would accomplish nothing. “Valerie, I’ve been with other women since we’ve gone our separate ways. Whether it’s Cleo or someone else, I don’t see why it matters. I’m a single man who has physical needs.”
“Flings don’t matter. They mean nothing. But the idea of you feeling the way I want you to feel about me…with her…is what I don’t want.”
I couldn’t believe how correct Cleo had been about her. She could read Valerie better than I could—and I had been married to her. “That’s going to happen someday. You’ll get remarried…and I might get remarried. You’d rather me be alone forever?”
“No,” she whispered. “I’d rather you be with me.”
Since I had been such a shitty husband, I didn’t understand why she wanted me so much. She never seemed happy, and neither was I. “That’s not going to happen, Valerie. You need to let it go.”
“There’s nothing I could do?” she whispered. “If we started over?”
Even if I weren’t with Cleo, my answer would be the same. “No.”
Her eyes fell.
“But like I said, I’d like to be friends.”
She was quiet.
I waited for her to say something more, but she never did. “We still have this weekend. Let’s make the best of it.”
“Why did you invite me out here if you don’t want to be with me?”
The Man Who Has No Heart (Soulless Book 2) Page 21