by Cary McNeal
A PERIGEE BOOK
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) LLC
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014
USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China
penguin.com
A Penguin Random House Company
ARE YOU SH*TTING ME?
Copyright © 2014 by Cary McNeal
A Hollan Publishing Inc. Concept
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
PERIGEE is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) LLC.
The “P” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) LLC.
ISBN: 978-0-698-14841-3
An application to register this book for cataloging has been submitted to the Library of Congress.
First edition: October 2014
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
Most Perigee books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs. For details, write: [email protected].
CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
1.Florida
2.Ancient Medical Practices
3.Things That Fall from the Sky
4.Alleged Alien Abductions
5.Disgusting Food from Around the World
6.Boogers
7.Stoopid Criminals
8.Torture Devices
9.Public Bathrooms
10.Lies, Liars, and Frauds
11.Birth Control
12.Mental Monarchs
13.Creepy Crawlies
14.Colossal Blunders
15.Parenting: You’re Doing It Wrong
16.Amusement Park Accidents
17.Isolated Places
18.Cryptids: Or Creatures You Don’t Want to Believe Exist
19.Food Fails
20.Drivers Who Suck
21.The 1970s, Man
22.The 1980s—OMIGOD!
23.Erectile Dysfunction Medication
24.Drinks That Aren’t Good for You
25.Freak Accidents
26.Things That Stink and Then Kill You
27.Doomsday Scenarios
Sources
Acknowledgments
About the Author
INTRODUCTION
WELCOME TO MY BOOK. I hope you enjoy it.
What’s to enjoy about being frightened, you ask? That’s a good question. I suppose it’s like watching a horror movie: you know it’s going to freak you out, but you buy the ticket—or, in this case, the book—anyway. Maybe you like the thrill of fear. Maybe you’re a glutton for punishment. Or maybe someone gave the book to you as a gift. They might think you don’t have enough fiber in your diet.
What about me? Do I write these books because I’m a sadist? Nah. When it comes to scary business, I believe that forewarned is forearmed. Think of me as someone who’s trying to help you by educating you. Because I’m a nice guy like that.
If you want to learn more about any topic herein, check out the source list at the back of the book for links to more information. If you’ve read the other two books in this series, 1,000 Facts That Will Scare the Sh*t Out of You and Scared Sh*tless, welcome back and thanks for your support.
For the rest of you: Be afraid.
CM
WHAT’S SCARY ABOUT FLORIDA, you ask? Besides the fact that it looks like a giant wiener? I could cite any number of things: Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, hanging chads, alligators, Key West, Lynyrd Skynyrd. Instead, I will ask you, which state do you think of whenever you hear a news story about someone eating someone else’s face off or a guy shooting up a Burger King with a bazooka because they didn’t hold the pickles on his Whopper Jr.? Right: Florida. And if you don’t think of Florida first, you’re not paying attention.
FACT 1 A mother–daughter duo in Tampa are partners in pornography. Jessica and Monica Sexxxton post home movies on their own site and will have sex with the same person at the same time, though they claim they never touch each other on camera. Whew! For a minute there I was creeped out.
FACT 2 In 2012, fifty-year-old cougar Jennie Scott of Manatee County was arrested for beating the crap out of her thirty-two-year-old boyfriend after he climaxed first during a 69 love-session and refused to continue pleasuring her.
FACT 3 A Jacksonville man, Allen Casey, was arrested in 2012 for hitting his boyfriend in the face with a plate for playing too much Alanis Morissette music. Casey defended himself to police, saying, “That’s all that motherfucker listens to.”
FACT 4 In July 2013, Josue Rodriguez of Lake Worth attacked his roommate with a machete after the roommate changed the radio station while Rodriguez was in the shower. Who keeps a machete in the shower?
FACT 5 Three San Mateo men were arrested in 2013 for stealing a nine-foot-tall, six-hundred-pound purple aluminum chicken from a roadside stand.
FACT 6 A Lake County man was arrested in June 2013 for leaving nude photos of his former roommate on the cars of the roommate’s co-workers and grandmother after the roommate moved out. The victim had allowed the photos to be taken in return for room and board.
FACT 7 Kingsley Lake, or “Silver Dollar Lake,” is almost a perfect circle, spanning nearly two thousand acres with a surprising depth of ninety feet. The reason for the popular lake’s unique shape and depth? It is one of Florida’s many sinkholes.
FACT 8 In August 2013, 150 law enforcement officers in full riot gear were called to Avon Park Youth Academy, an all-male juvenile correctional facility, when rioting inmates set fire to parts of the building and caused hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of damage. The riot broke out after the losers of a basketball game refused to make good on their original wager: three containers of Cup Noodles.
FACT 9 According to the New York Post, most of the seven hundred rhesus monkeys captured in recent years around Silver Springs, Florida, tested positive for the herpes B virus.
FACT 10 Miami suffers from an infestation of giant African land snails, which can grow to the size of rats. The snails consume plants, stucco, and plaster, and can cause significant structural damage to homes and businesses.
FACT 11 Giant African land snails were likely introduced to Florida by a practitioner of Santería, a religion that uses the creatures in rituals.
FACT 12 Some giant African land snails carry a parasitic lungworm that, if transmitted to humans, can cause illnesses including meningitis.
FACT 13 Florida is
infested with an estimated 150,000 nonnative Burmese pythons. Often pets that have been released into the wild, the twelve- to thirteen-foot creatures have disrupted the food chain in the Everglades.
FACT 14 The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has created a tournament to kill invasive Burmese pythons in the Everglades, offering cash prizes to hunters who destroy the most and the largest snakes.
FACT 15 The rock or North African python is also establishing a population east of the Everglades. More aggressive than Burmese pythons, rock pythons are responsible for the deaths of two Canadian children and a sixty-pound family dog in West Kendall.
FACT 16 Florida game officials fear that the growing populations of rock and Burmese pythons will mate and create a “super snake.” Both animals are in the top five largest species of snakes in the world.
FACT 17 In November 2013, a sixth grader at a Collier County middle school was suspended for setting off the fire alarm by twerking into it. The student was suspended because the school had been declared a “Twerk-Free Zone.”
FACT 18 An Ocala man was arrested in November 2013 for reportedly terrorizing and chasing an eight-year-old after the child refused to share his potato chips.
FACT 19 An Allapattah man was busted in December 2013 after he caught a four-foot-long alligator and tried to barter it for a twelve-pack of beer at a convenience store.
FACT 20 In a March 2013 attempt to keep her local beach clean, a Stock Island woman confronted and brawled with a littering spring breaker, biting her in the cheek.
FACT 21 Residents of a Tampa apartment complex captured a twelve-foot alligator from a river in October 2013 and leashed it to a tree to keep as a pet. Other residents told law enforcement that people “had caught [the alligator] and was feeding it cats.” The animal was ultimately removed by authorities and destroyed.
FACT 22 A Duval County high school is being asked via a petition on Change.org to change its name. The school, the student body of which is predominantly black, is named after Nathan Bedford Forrest, a Confederate Army general and the first grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.
FACT 23 Convicted murderers Robert Mackey and Paul Trucchio of Volusia County were said to have prayed to “the alligator god”— in this case a concrete statue—in hopes that the wild animals would eat the body of their victim, Lorraine Hatzakorzian.
FACT 24 Hatzakorzian’s severed head was found in the Everglades, but the rest of her body remains missing.
FACT 25 A Bradenton man was arrested on misdemeanor battery charges in January 2013 for giving unsuspecting strangers wedgies.
FACT 26 In October 2013, an Escambia County man was arrested on felony child abuse charges for reportedly beating his daughter to the tune of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines.” Someone should beat Robin Thicke to the tune of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines.”
FACT 27 When a Palm Bay man got into an argument with his girlfriend in January 2013 while dropping her off at work at Taco Bell, he bit off her thumb. Doctors were unable to save the severed digit.
FACT 28 An Orlando man was arrested in November 2013 for attacking his pregnant sister by grabbing her neck and throwing her into a nightstand after she ate his chicken nuggets.
FACT 29 In November 2013, a Gibsonton woman renewed her wedding vows with her “husband”— a Ferris wheel she named Bruce. She wanted a mate who would stay around. *rim shot*
FACT 30 A Pensacola woman stopped traffic in August 2013 when she stood on the roadside asking for breast implant donations by carrying a sign that read, “Not Homeless, Need Boobs.”
FACT 31 In October 2013, a grieving Sarasota man was questioned after sprinkling the ashes of his deceased fiancée in LensCrafters of the Westfield Southgate Mall. The man said that he was spreading the ashes in places that had been special to the dead woman. She must have really loved their one-hour lens guarantee.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS great about going to the doctor in centuries past? Nothing, that’s what. Not a damn thing. That is, unless you like the idea of having a hole drilled in your head or leeches clamped on your nipples or gallons of blood drained from your body every time you dared complain of a headache.
No, wait, there was one good thing back then: you didn’t have to wait an hour to see the doctor. Why? Because you were the only idiot there.
FACT 32 The use of maggots to clean wounds has proven to be effective for patients who don’t respond to traditional treatments. Or who have difficulty vomiting.
FACT 33 The arrival of antibiotics in the twentieth century made the use of maggots fall out of favor, but the method is now making a comeback and is used today in some hospitals to treat conditions like leg ulcers, pressure sores, and infected surgical wounds.
FACT 34 Hairballs save lives—or at least they saved some lives in the 1600s, when aristocrats were often the targets of assassination attempts by arsenic poisoning. Bezoars, or hairballs from goats and sheep, were placed in drinks to absorb any arsenic that might have been put there. The drinks were horrible, but at least drinkers didn’t die.
FACT 35 Modern research has proven how the ancient method was effective: sulfur compounds in the hair proteins of a bezoar bind to the toxic agents in arsenic, rendering them harmless.
FACT 36 Trepanation, the medical practice of cutting into the skull, dates back to the Stone Age. Ancient Egyptians believed that trepanation could help alleviate pressure on the brain, while physicians in the Middle Ages thought the practice would release evil spirits from the possessed.
FACT 37 Trepanation is still used in some countries today to treat ailments ranging from fatigue to epilepsy to depression. You’re still depressed after the procedure, but at least you know why: you have a gaping hole in your head.
FACT 38 Sixteenth-century women would apply puppy urine to their faces, believing it was beneficial to the skin’s health and complexion. I’m wondering if they collected the urine first or just held puppies over their heads.
FACT 39 The ancient medical practice of bloodletting involves draining blood from the body to help cure disease. Believed to have originated in ancient Egypt, the practice was the main therapy used by doctors for thousands of years.
FACT 40 In the Middle Ages, bloodletting was often performed by barbers, which is why the traditional barber’s pole—like the bloody towels that once hung outside barber shops—is colored red and white.
FACT 41 After a twelfth-century church edict prohibited monks and priests from performing bloodletting, barbers added the procedure to their list of offered services, along with cupping, tooth extractions, lancing, and even amputations.
FACT 42 To determine a patient’s health, a barber surgeon would study the color of the patient’s urine, and sometimes smell and even taste it—yes, taste it.
FACT 43 Patients frequently died during treatment by bloodletting. George Washington died after giving five to seven pints of blood in twenty-four hours to cure a throat infection.
FACT 44 Ancient Egyptian physicians believed that leech therapy could cure symptoms for a variety of illnesses, from fevers to flatulence.
FACT 45 In the 1800s, women had leeches placed in their vaginas to treat conditions like vaginal discharge and cervical cancer.
FACT 46 Leeches were applied to the clitoris to treat nymphomania and other female complaints.
FACT 47 Leeches still have medical applications today, as their saliva has been found to promote circulation and speed the healing of damaged tissue.
FACT 48 The leech is invaluable to surgeons who are faced with the difficulties of reattaching minute veins, which clot easily, in procedures such as limb and scalp reattachments, limb transplants, skin flap surgery, and breast reconstruction.
FACT 49 The ancient Greek doctor Galen recomme
nded the use of electric eels for treating headaches and facial pain.
FACT 50 Eels were also used by the ancient Greeks and Romans to treat gout; the patient would stand on an eel until his foot became numb. This paved the way for today’s popular Dr. Scholl’s Eel Inserts.
FACT 51 One American doctor in the early 1900s treated mental illness by removing his patients’ body parts. Dr. Henry Cotton would begin with extraction of teeth. If that failed to cure a patient’s mental illness, he would remove organs such as the tonsils, stomach, and large intestine.
FACT 52 More than a third of Dr. Cotton’s patients died. Shocking, right?
FACT 53 By the end of his career, Dr. Cotton had removed thousands of tonsils and teeth from patients at his hospital—a hospital that served a lot of soup.
FACT 54 During the Great Plague in 1665, one recommended way to stop the disease was to smoke tobacco. At Eton College in England, boys were paddled for not smoking.
FACT 55 Victorian-era women who showed interest in sex were often labeled mentally ill nymphomaniacs.
FACT 56 Victorian treatments for nymphomania included enemas, leech treatments to genitalia, and even a clitoridectomy, the surgical removal of the clitoris.