by Rachel Jonas
There were, admittedly, a million things I wanted to know, but I didn’t like what it’d cost me to get them—peace of mind mostly.
I shook my head again. “No. She’s been controlling me all this time without me knowing it, but this is the one thing she can’t make me do.”
I cleared more tears from my cheeks and stared over Liam’s shoulder while he stared at me. A few seconds after putting my foot down, he nodded.
“Then that’s all there is to it.”
I was glad he didn’t try to talk me into it because I was holding so much in. If he pushed, I would have fallen apart and that was something I preferred to do in the privacy of my own room.
“Goodnight,” I said in parting, turning my back on him so I could rush back down the hall before the waterworks started.
And start they did. Flowing uncontrollably for so long I lost track of time. Beth didn’t question me for too long and Liam didn’t try to pop into my thoughts to check on me. I appreciated both of them for allowing me the privacy neither, technically, had to uphold.
One too many bubbles had been burst in the last forty-eight hours and, more and more, I was beginning to see the logic behind Nick’s decision to separate. Things just kept piling up and what kind of relationship would we have had in the midst of it?
We were kind of a mess. Or at least, I was. For now, things were best this way.
I was getting somewhat used to the world falling apart around me.
—Chapter Thirteen—
Nick
Sweat covered me from head to toe as I stood in the mirror, dazed. The last thing I remembered was going to sleep, and now my hands and feet were covered with dirt and grass and I couldn’t even remember walking into the bathroom just now. It was like I laid on the pillow and woke up here, staring at myself as my eyes transitioned back to their usual shade from an odd yellow.
My hands shook as I washed them, racking my brain for even a hint of how I’d lost time. That’s what it felt like; losing time. It happened before, on the first night I spent at my grandfather’s estate when I escaped there to be alone. Stress—that’s what I thought it was; from fighting the mutts, from finding out the true nature of what I am. I was awake that time, though, staring at old photographs one second, sitting on the porch, trying to catch my breath the next.
When I finally went home, I thought of telling Richie about it, but the last thing I needed was one more person looking at me like I was a freak.
Well … a freak among other freaks. Even with other lycans, I was the odd man out. While most felt a sense of comradery, I was still on my own, finding myself, deciding whether I could even be trusted.
I needed to know I wouldn’t become the very thing Liam said I would. If you asked me whether I thought it was possible a couple weeks ago, I would’ve said with certainty that it wasn’t. But as I stared at dirt rinsing down the drain, as I acknowledged that I was clearly not always in control of myself … I considered it a real possibility.
I showered and got dressed before the other guys were even awake. I sat on the edge of my bed, still trying to get my bearings as they laughed and joked about how much worse our new uniforms were than the ones issued by Seaton Prep. Normally, I would’ve been right with them, but my head wasn’t here.
I tried to clear my thoughts as we walked. The way the schedule worked here was kind of confusing. They separated us into two large groups, each made up of around five-hundred-plus shifters. For the first two weeks, my group was broken down into even smaller segments of no more than fifty. We focused on basic training—self-defense and the essentials for survival—while the others participated in the informational sessions, complete with supernatural history courses. At the end of the day, there were traditional, high school classes so we wouldn’t fall behind.
The combat training was kind of cool, but I couldn’t say the same for our next module. The only good thing about it was that we were on a constant, two-week rotation between the two. Meaning, I wouldn’t have to suffer through it long if it sucked.
Behind me, Lucas complained to Chris again. This time, it was something about Beth and a new guy he’d seen her hanging around once or twice. He still hadn’t let go of the idea that she’d one day see him in the same way he sees her. I was this close to telling him to give it a rest and move on, but that would’ve been the frustration talking.
And it also would’ve made me a hypocrite because I was, technically, still harboring feelings for a girl I couldn’t have either.
Yes, I was the one who broke things off with Evie, but only because, from my perspective, I finally saw the forest for the trees. We were both changing, especially me. If she knew I was losing time, if she knew the growing darkness I felt inside me—the way it flowed through my veins all day, every day—she would’ve come to the same conclusion:
We were better off apart.
For now. Maybe forever.
Even if the distance killed me inside.
We hadn’t spoken in two weeks despite seeing each other daily. Whether in passing as we headed from one session to the next, or spotting one another across the dining hall, but no words had been exchanged. I made sure of that. I needed to keep her away for her own good, plus … there was more.
Way deep down, in the pit of my stomach, I felt a swell of anger brewing toward her. It was a seed that’d been planted when I first observed her around Liam. It’d only grown since then. There was half of me that missed what we had, missed the closeness. And there was another side of me that wanted nothing to do with her.
Maybe even wished we never met.
I couldn’t be sure these ill feelings were my own, normal … or if these were signs that the Liberator within me was growing stronger, controlling more of my thoughts than I realized.
Whenever our eyes locked, I half suspected she was aware of the struggle going on inside me. That I was half terrified I’d hurt her; that I was half afraid I wouldn’t always care if I did. For now, my conscience was intact and I couldn’t even imagine it, but as the light within me seemed to dim at record speed, I couldn’t say how long I could keep the real me locked away.
I ran so hot and cold these days. There was very little room for in between. Very little success filtering my words and actions toward others. More and more, I did and said the first things that came to mind, bypassing the usual sensors and triggers that prevent most from making mistakes. I seemed to just … rush full-steam ahead. Meaning, there was the potential to make messes of things I had every intention of handling with grace.
Roz flanked the guys and I from the right, jogging to catch up. “Hey.”
My brow lifted, but I couldn’t fake a smile when I returned the greeting.
She glanced behind us where Lucas and Chris discussed a small party we were having in our room tonight. Realizing they weren’t paying us any attention, she spoke in a quiet voice. “I’ve been looking into the rings.”
I turned her way, feeling a jolt in the center of my chest as those words sunk in. “Really?”
She smiled even bigger. “Really. Some of the stories surrounding them are conflicting, but the most common one is that they belonged to fallen soldiers of some old-school, supernatural war. It’s unclear which war it was, who the soldiers were exactly, or why they might be important, but at least we have a lead.”
“Thank you. Best news I heard all week.”
Roz’s cheeks tinted red when she nodded. “You’re welcome. And I also remember you saying there were either six or seven. According to what I read, there were seven in existence, but there’s no record of where they are present day.”
I envisioned my grandfather’s hand-drawn picture, recalling the description he gave of the silver rings with dark stones set in the center. Nothing Roz shared explained why these items were important to him, but I had a feeling it went beyond just wanting to add to his collection of weird artifacts and memorabilia. His obsession with these rings, specifically, went deeper.
My t
houghts were scrambled when we rounded the corner and, right there, at the door of the lecture hall, stood my weakness—tall, beautiful … frustrating. Being apart didn’t lessen my attraction to her. If anything, it made all the good things about her more desirable. Possibly because she felt so far away now, unattainable.
Roz stopped talking when she realized I was no longer listening. In my peripheral, I saw her eyes follow mine toward Evie.
A faint sigh left her mouth. “Still with me?” she asked, snapping her fingers in front of my face until my attention was hers again. “I’m thinking we need to examine your grandfather’s journals a little more closely. Are you cool with me taking a look at them with you?”
“Uh, yeah. Sure,” was all I could get out, suddenly distracted when Evie’s eyes wandered to mine. Apparently, we were headed into the same class.
Not awkward at all.
Roz took another deep breath. “I guess I’ll just … talk to you about it later. When you’re a little more focused,” she concluded. The next second, she stormed off toward the lecture hall we’d all be stuck in for the next couple hours.
As she passed Evie, the two exchanged a tense look, followed by equally tense smiles, but then I had Evie’s eyes again.
‘You should say something,’ I thought. ‘Anything to make having this class together less uncomfortable.’
The idea was stupid, but I started giving in almost immediately. It was like I couldn’t make myself be reasonable these days, acting on impulse. She probably didn’t want to see me, let alone talk to me after how things had been lately, but still, despite myself, I put one foot in front of the other, leaving Lucas and Chris behind. When I was close enough, I gave a stiff smile. She smiled back and I imagined it was only to be polite.
“Hi,” I exhaled, searching for words to say beyond that.
“Hi,” she echoed. Her lips pursed together tightly right after and I knew any further conversation would have to come from me.
“So … how’ve you been adjusting here?”
After a moment of thought, she shrugged. Her answer was vague and I couldn’t help but to wonder if it was so short because, like I expected, she didn’t really want to speak.
“It is what it is.”
I nodded as body after body passed us by, filling the room.
“Listen, I—”
“I think I—”
We both spoke at the same time and when she smiled about it, my body responded in a way I wasn’t expecting—my heart leapt.
“You first,” she offered.
Keep your head clear, man.
“I was just gonna say I owe you an apology. I didn’t intend to hurt or embarrass you with the run-in the three of us had in the dining hall.” I couldn’t even make myself say Liam’s name out loud. “When I went to my room, when I cooled off, I thought about things. I meant to handle it differently when I finally saw him, your friend, face-to-face. I should have just laid low until my anger was in check.”
Although, I wasn’t even sure such a thing was possible at this point.
She lowered her head, confirming I’d been right to assume I made her feel those things and much more. I really did mean to be more careful, more collected, it just…
“Apology accepted,” she said back, forgiving me much quicker than expected. “But only if you accept mine, too.”
I wasn’t expecting that either.
“You were right. With everything we both have going on …” She paused and her eyes slipped to the floor. There was so much feeling behind them, I felt it, too. “We should probably focus on that for now,” she went on, adding, “Not each other.”
I hadn’t noticed it until now, but there was a heaviness about her. Like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. It’d become natural for me to want to share whatever her load was, but I was also sure she wouldn’t open up to me. One of our downfalls was not letting one another in completely. Still, I felt compelled to offer.
“Look, I know we’re not where we used to be, but … if you ever need to talk, you can—”
Her brow quirked when she met my gaze again.
“That’s probably not a good idea,” she interjected, the abrupt words startling me a bit. Maybe even upsetting me, if I’m being honest. “Sharing our thoughts and feelings, communicating … we were never good at that. So, now that we’re trying to focus on finding and fixing ourselves and not our relationship … I think it’s best not to blur those lines again.”
A smile ghosted on her lips, one I suspected she only gave to soften the blow of what she just said.
It didn’t help.
The lightweight rejection stung. No, she wasn’t being malicious, but the declaration to ‘not blur those lines’ brought with them a sudden awareness. Like, maybe she saw the clarity in my logic, agreed we were better off apart.
Before this conversation, some small part of me held on to the idea that she might maintain her stance from the other night. Then, she rejected the idea of putting space between us, believing we could work through our issues while continuing to move forward together. But now, she seemed to have had a revelation during our time apart.
I offered a weak smile, doing all I could to shove my ego back down where it belonged.
“Sure. I, uh … I suppose we should just settle for a truce then.”
“You only call a truce when someone’s your enemy.” She smiled again. “And you’re not my enemy, Nick.” I stared into the face of the girl who made me feel so many things it was frustrating.
I wanted her.
Feared her because no one else had ever had such a hold on me.
Loved her.
“Friends?” she asked hopefully, offering her hand, contrasting my last thought.
I shook it, appreciating the idea, but feeling the emptiness it caused to echo inside my heart. I didn’t just want to be her friend, but even that was probably more than I should have accepted. Distance was the best thing for us.
I should have turned down the suggestion, shouldn’t have even approached her to begin with. However, I took her hand and shook it, putting her at risk yet again with the uttering of one simple word.
“Friends.”
She was just about to step into the lecture hall when I stopped her, and I have no idea what made me do it. This stupid hot and cold compulsion again, I guess. Her wrist was looped in my fingers and, reluctantly, her gaze met mine.
“Yeah?”
Her heart was beating so fast it nearly distracted me from what I wanted to ask.
“Since we’re kinda okay now … the guys and I are having a few people over to our room later tonight. We’re just hanging out or whatever, but you’re welcome to stop by if you want to.” I spoke in a rush, knowing I should have just let her walk away. “I think Beth might be coming, too,” I added, sweetening the deal as if I didn’t know what a terrible idea this was.
There was a long pause that made a lot of thoughts and emotions fly through me.
Fear that she’d say no.
Then, fear that she’d say yes.
Anger toward myself for even asking.
Rage that it was taking her so long to answer either way because, on some level, I wondered if the only reason she hesitated was because of Liam. Because she was taking his feelings into account.
I tasted blood when I bit down into my cheek to keep calm. She seemed to be going back and forth between her options and, just as I was about to tell her to forget it, she nodded.
“Okay, count me in.”
I breathed a little easier and the rage slowly melted away.
The slack grip I had on her wrist loosened even more when I let her continue inside, following close behind. I spotted Roz and the guys and was headed over to take a seat with them when the sight of our instructor made my feet stop moving.
Liam stood front and center, arms locked tight across his chest as he watched the seats fill. The fury that kept rising inside me went from a manageable simmer to a ful
l-on boil in a matter of seconds.
My hatred for him hadn’t subsided. Not even a little. It had actually more than doubled since the first time we met, causing me to lose sleep several nights as I imagined how the time between him and Evie was spent. On more than one occasion, I just stared at the ceiling, wondering if I’d pushed her closer to him. Chances are, my absence had given him all the room he needed to wedge his way deeper into her life. Even more so than he already had.
I dropped down into the seat between Chris and Roz and tried to keep my cool. Easier said than done.
Evie peered at me from down our row and the look of worry on her face made it clear that, at least on some level, she wasn’t so sure what I was capable of now either. The run-in I nearly had with Liam a couple weeks ago proved that I couldn’t have cared less what position he held here at the facility. Instructor or not, even with the threat of punishment looming … I would’ve still gone after him had she not stopped me.
There was just something about him that made me see red. Yes, it was mostly that I knew some part of Evie was connected to him, but it was also that cocky expression he always wore. Like there was always a challenge waiting to be thrown at me just to see if I’d stand my ground. Like he knew something I didn’t.
Like I was the odd man out when it came to Evie.
And what maybe bothered me most of all was that he could have been right.
“Hey, you all right?” I glanced over at Chris when he asked. He pointed to my hand where I’d gripped and smashed the corner of the small, half-desk hinged the side of my chair.
I loosened my hand and nodded, suddenly aware of a few other sets of eyes on me, too. “Yeah, I’m cool.”
Chris stared for a moment before hesitantly looking away.
The room was full now. All one-hundred-plus seats had bodies in them and the only sound to be heard was Liam’s steps as he moved toward the door to close it. On his way back toward the center where he stood before, his eyes drifted toward Evie … and then to me.