by M. S. Parker
“It was a surprise. Allen said he wanted us to do it before...” My voice trailed off as a lump formed in my throat.
“Before what, Mrs. Lockwood?” Reed’s voice was still soft, but there was a note to it I didn’t like, as if he was insinuating something. What, I didn't know, but I didn't like it.
I glared at him and my anger gave me strength. This felt too private to share. “Before we started a family.”
“Just one more question for now, Mrs. Lockwood,” Rheingard interjected.
I didn’t like the ‘for now’ part, but I simply nodded. One thing at a time.
“Who packed your husband’s chute?”
A logical question and one I’d been asking myself. Allen and I both knew how to do it, but I hadn’t seen him pack his this time. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I assume he did. I packed my own. But I can’t say for certain.”
“You weren’t with him when he did it?” Reed asked.
“No.” I shivered again and ran my hands up and down my arms. “I stepped out to go use the restroom and when I came back, he was ready.”
Jasper came back in with two mugs of coffee. He handed one to Rheingard and the other to me. Instead of sitting in the empty chair or leaving again, however, he stood next to my chair.
“You are?” Reed asked.
“Jasper Whitehall.” There was an edge to Jasper’s voice and I was glad to know I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like Detective Reed. “Friend of the family.”
“And you’re here because...?”
“Because I called him from the airfield yesterday,” I said. I really didn't like his tone. I wondered if Detective Reed would've asked the same question if it had been Gina or Junie here with me. “I didn’t want to be alone, so he stayed here.” I gestured towards the couch.
“Why didn’t you call Mr. Lockwood’s family?”
“I was too upset—”
“Too upset to call your husband’s family? But you were certainly okay enough to call a…friend?”
I stood up, my hands shaking, but with anger rather than sadness. The detective had essentially sneered the word ‘friend’ at me. He wasn't even trying to be subtle with his insinuation.
“I called the Lockwoods,” Jasper said smoothly before I could say anything. “They live in Texas, so they won’t be getting here until this afternoon.”
“What about your own family, Mrs. Lockwood?” Reed was leaning forward now.
“My parents are dead,” I said bluntly. I was more than ready for this to be over. “And my brother’s on a construction job in Seattle. Now, if you don’t mind, I have people to call and a funeral to plan.”
The detectives stood.
“Who do I need to speak with about having my husband’s body released?”
They exchanged looks and Rheingard answered, “You’ll have to wait for the autopsy.”
My heart nearly stopped in my chest. “No.” I shook my head, panic threatening. “My husband wouldn’t want one. Religious beliefs.”
Reed’s eyebrows went up. “Excuse me?”
I felt Jasper step up behind me, close enough to touch me, but he didn’t. “My husband’s religious beliefs prevent him from being autopsied. He told me that several times.” My voice was stronger than I’d expected.
“You’ll need a court order for that.” Reed gave me a smug little smile.
“Out.” Jasper stepped around me, suddenly looking much bigger than his six feet. “Now. And if you want to speak to her again, call to make an appointment first.” He all but pushed them towards the door and shut it firmly behind them.
My knees buckled and I sank to the ground. “Allen wouldn’t want...you know he wouldn’t...”
He crouched down next to me. I saw him hesitate, then wrap his arms around me. I crumpled against him, burying my face against his chest.
“I know,” he said. “I’ll take care of it.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I didn’t know how I was going to do this. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t strong enough. I needed Allen. I needed my husband.
And the fact that I knew I would never have him broke me.
Chapter 10
I turned out to be a lot stronger than I’d realized.
That first day was the worst. After I’d calmed down and Jasper had made me eat something, I’d made a list of the people I needed to call. Jasper had, as he’d told the detectives, called Allen’s parents the night before. He’d just told them to call him rather than me. When pressed, he admitted that he’d told them the doctors had given me a tranquilizer so I wouldn’t be in any shape to talk to them until they got here.
I didn’t mind the lie. Allen’s parents already hated me. Honestly, they probably thought better of me thinking I’d needed to be medicated than they would have if they’d known I’d refused sedatives and hadn’t been a hysterical mess. At least not in public. I’d saved my hysteria for the privacy of my bedroom.
They were all flying in on one of their private planes. The whole family, including all of the kids. I started considering panic mode until Jasper said he’d already arranged for them to be picked up at the airport and told them that they’d be welcome in the vineyard’s guest houses. Allen had built a small circular grouping of four three-bedroom guest houses on the other end of the property. He’d said they were for business meetings so that our personal lives would be kept separate from the business end of things, but I’d known that he’d also done it so that when his family visited¸ he could put them as far away from us as possible.
I knew without Jasper telling me that the family had been furious. They’d complained every time Allen had put them there. They liked Jasper about as much as they liked me, but he’d had more years of dealing with them and I was grateful to have him do it. Things would get bad enough once they arrived. At least I’d be able to know that I could sleep in peace.
The first call I did make was to Mitchell. Four years older than me, he was the only family I had left. He’d even moved to St. Helena after Allen and I had gotten engaged so that he’d be close by. As I’d known he would, he told me he was on his way home.
After that, the day became a series of phone calls and fielding questions.
I called Jacques Rohner next. As the foreman of the vineyard, he needed to be aware of what happened and know that I’d be needing him to take care of the business end of things for at least a couple weeks. He was clearly upset, choking up as he assured me that he would take care of things as long as I needed, and that all I had to do was call if I needed anything. He would also take care of contacting the vineyard’s business associates, saving me the necessity of talking to total strangers about what had happened.
Since school wasn’t in session, I was spared having to deal with any of those responsibilities. I did, however, call Gina Edgars. Aside from being the art teacher at the same school where I taught second grade, she and her girlfriend lived across the road and were among the few people I counted as friends.
When Gina came over, I expected Jasper to leave, but he didn’t. Instead, he made the calls he needed to take care of the autopsy, the calls to have Allen’s body released and to set up an appointment at a funeral home the next day.
I was grateful for all of it, but when he handled the arrival of the Lockwood family, I almost cried with relief. I knew I’d have to deal with them at some point, but I wasn’t ready today. I couldn’t answer questions face-to-face. Hearing him repeat what I’d told him about the accident was bad enough.
The rest of the week went by in a blur. A mass of sympathy and casseroles, people coming and going at all hours. Someone was always there. Helping. Hovering. I wanted to scream to be left alone, but the idea of being alone terrified me. There were flowers and fruit baskets, sympathy cards from friends and people I didn’t know. I received hugs and handshakes, platitudes that no one really believed. I didn’t remember any of them, the words or the people.
Then it was Saturday and time for me t
o officially say goodbye. Everything about me was numb as I stood in front of my closet, trying to figure out what I was going to wear. I could almost hear Allen in the back of my head, telling me that he liked me in blue. I smiled a sad smile as I looked at his favorite dress. I knew his family would expect me to be in black, something long and shapeless, appropriate for a grieving widow.
I heard Allen again, whispering to me that it didn’t matter what his family wanted. This was about me and him.
“Fuck them,” I muttered as I reached for the dress. I hadn’t let Gregory or May Lockwood cow me in the eight years Allen and I had been together. I wasn’t going to start now.
There was a soft knock at the door. “Shae, it’s time.”
“Two minutes.”
It was Mitchell on the other side of the door. He’d gotten here as quickly as he could and hadn’t left. He’d helped me handle things whenever Jasper hadn’t been able to. He wasn’t quite as diplomatic as Jasper, but he managed it well enough.
When I stepped out into the hallway, he was still there. I took in the rumpled dark suit, the scuffed shoes. When I reached his face, for the first time, I was struck by how much he looked like our father. Dark blond hair. Blue-green eyes. The same square jaw. The thought that followed hit me just as hard. Mitchell had just turned thirty a couple months ago. He was the same age now that our father had been when he’d died.
“You look nice,” he said gruffly. Then he grimaced. “That was a stupid thing to say, right?”
I shook my head. “I’m glad you’re here.”
He reached out and put his arms around me, pulling me against his chest. He didn’t try to say anything. We both knew there was nothing to say. We’d been here before. I might not have been able to remember our father’s funeral, but our mother’s hadn’t been that long ago.
“We have to go,” Mitchell said as he released me.
I took a slow breath and let it out. I just had to get through today. I’d woken each morning with that thought in my mind, but it was louder today. I nodded at my brother and headed downstairs.
The Lockwoods were waiting. I’d known they’d be there, of course. They’d been furious when I hadn’t let them plan the funeral, but I’d given in to them wanting all of us to travel by limo. Mitchell would be there with me, so I’d be okay.
“Do you really think that’s appropriate?” Allen’s older sister, Alice, drawled in her thick Texan accent. She arched one perfectly plucked blonde eyebrow as she looked at me. Like the rest of the family – including all of the kids – she was in various shades of black and gray.
“It was Allen’s favorite dress.” I lifted my chin, determined that I would stay strong. “Are the cars here yet?”
“They are,” Marcus answered from where he stood next to his father.
He was three years older than Allen and being groomed to take over the family business. His wife, Celeste, and their four children were on the other side of the room, surrounding May Lockwood where she sat in one of the chairs. All of them looked at me like I was something foul they’d stepped in.
“Gregory and I will ride with Shae,” May announced as she stood.
I wanted to remind her that she wasn’t in charge here, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. May had a way of acting like she was the queen whenever she walked into a room. I really didn’t care who went with me besides Mitchell. I didn’t really like any of their family. I wasn’t even that fond of the kids. Their parents had already trained them well about my position in the family and they treated me with only the barest amount of respect, and usually only when Allen had been around.
As we settled into the limo, I could see May preparing herself for something. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I should have known she wasn’t going to let me mourn my husband in peace.
We’d only been on the move for about five minutes when she spoke.
“I’ve heard the police are investigating what happened.”
Mitchell tensed next to me and I put my hand on his arm. “Yes, they are.” I wasn’t about to go into details.
“I hope they make you pay for what you did to my baby boy, you little bitch.”
And she said it all with a smile.
“You...”
“Mitchell.” I stopped my brother with a quiet word.
“I don’t know what happened out there, but I know if it wasn’t for you, Allen would still be alive.” May’s hands flexed and I wondered if she was thinking about how much she’d like to wrap her fingers around my neck. Or maybe claw my eyes out with those fake talons she called nails. “And thanks to you, Gregory’s health is failing as well.”
I looked at Allen’s father. Aside from their eyes and hair color, they looked nothing alike. It had been a while since I’d last seen Gregory, and I hadn’t been paying enough attention before to see what I saw now. The extra lines on his face. The weight loss.
“You can’t blame my sister for that,” Mitchell snapped.
May gave him a withering look. “This is none of your business.”
“Listen here, you vicious...”
My head was pounding. “Why don’t we all just remember that today is about Allen and honoring his memory? Can we do that?” My voice sounded strained. “For Allen, please?”
There was a moment of silence and then Gregory spoke, his voice raspy from years of chain smoking, “For Allen.”
Chapter 11
That truce lasted through the service and into the cemetery because there was enough room for the entire family to sit in the front. When it came time to walk past the coffin for the last time, however, I found that I couldn’t do it alone. Even Mitchell’s arm around my waist wasn’t enough support. He didn’t say a word when Jasper came to my other side and put his arm around my shoulders. Together, they helped me move forward.
When we reached the coffin, I felt my knees buckle, and then Jasper’s arm was there with Mitchell’s.
“I know, Shae.” Jasper’s voice was low in my ear, full of all the pain I was feeling inside. “But it’s time to say goodbye.”
We each put a hand on the coffin and, in that moment, I knew it was final. What was inside this coffin wasn’t Allen. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back.
I spent the rest of the day in a daze. I was vaguely aware of the Lockwoods sniping behind my back, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t care. They could say what they wanted about me. It didn’t matter. I’d asked them to respect the day for Allen, but it didn’t surprise me that they hadn’t been able to do it. They’d always been more about themselves than others and nothing would change that.
I didn’t care anymore. It was over. After today, everyone would go back to their normal lives. Yes, there would be those who would miss Allen and things might seem a bit off for a while, but even his family wouldn’t feel it daily. The only other person who could even get close to understanding was Jasper, and even his daily interactions with Allen had been limited.
Not me. It didn’t matter that he’d worked late so much recently that I hadn’t seen him very much. For eight years, he’d been a part of my everyday life. My friend. My lover. My everything. And now he was gone. Everyone else would get to go back to their normal lives, but I didn’t have a life to go back to. My life was being buried in a cemetery thirty miles from here.
I just wanted everyone to leave. I was tired. So tired. But they kept talking and staying. Finally, I’d had enough and I stood abruptly, startling the person who’d been talking to me. I had no clue who they were or what they’d been saying.
“I’m tired,” I announced. I saw the Lockwoods throw dirty looks in my direction, but I didn’t wait for them to say anything. I gave my brother and Jasper both nods because I couldn’t even manage a polite smile, and then I headed upstairs.
I locked my bedroom door behind me because I didn’t trust the Lockwoods not to come barging in. My clothes dropped and I left them there. I didn’t bother with a shower or even putting on anything else. I crawled
into bed and wrapped my arms around Allen’s pillow. I buried my face against it, breathing deep the lingering scent of him and finally giving in to the tears, crying until my exhausted mind and body finally let me sleep.
When I woke up, my eyes were dry and swollen, my throat raw. And there was an emptiness inside me that hurt more than all of that. I wanted to stay in bed all day, but I knew if I did that today, then I’d do it again tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.
I wanted to give up, but I knew I couldn’t. Allen wouldn’t have wanted that and doing what he would’ve wanted meant more to me than anything else. So I forced myself to get up. Forced myself to take a shower.
The house was eerily quiet as I made my way downstairs. It wasn’t unusual for me to be in the house alone, but after a week of constantly having people around, it felt strange. Or maybe it was just because I knew that it wouldn’t change. There was no waiting for someone to come home, no anticipation of a possible surprise. I didn’t have to plan anything or even look at the time. I had nowhere I needed to be and no one I needed to see.
I’d told Mitchell to go home after the funeral. He’d already taken a week off of work and he needed to spend today resting before going back. I didn’t want him to risk his job. The Lockwoods had loudly proclaimed their own return to Texas once the funeral had finished, making sure everyone knew that they’d been relegated to the guest houses and they didn’t want to stay where they obviously weren’t wanted.
I started to wander through the house aimlessly, but I kept seeing things that reminded me of Allen. Pictures of us. A book he’d never finished reading. His mug.
I needed to get out of here.
I stepped outside and scowled up at the sun. I knew it was foolish to be angry that the sun was shining, but grief wasn’t logical. I considered heading down the long driveway and going to see Gina. She and Junie always spent their summer Sundays outside, communing with nature. That translated to nude sunbathing most of the time.
I liked both women, but I didn’t feel like being around any couples today. It didn’t matter if they were straight or gay. The connection between them would be too painful. I couldn’t take the silence in the house, but I wasn’t in the mood for strained conversation either.