P.S. When I told him that I’m scared of my rival number four, Roma, he said not to be scared and that he would defend me and that we should do something about her, perhaps send her to Kulparków.*
Flowers nearby
Stars high in the sky
It’s all for you
All for you
Sleepless nights
Poems fiery and bright
Tears, bitterness anew
It’s all for you!
FEBRUARY 27, 1941, THURSDAY
School was good. And later it was so nice too! We met in the afternoon, I mean I met him in the red corner. Roma and Ewa were there too, we couldn’t get rid of them. They followed us all the time, went to Irka’s, where a farce took place—I ran away upstairs, Maciek to Zygo K’s; Zygu was looking for me etc. He then joined Maciek at K’s and they were supposed to do homework. Then they whistled at me and we went for a walk. Zyguś took me sweetly by my arm and then dropped hints of this and that. But he was terribly lovely. We met Nacek who said something about the Spiegel girl and the Schwarzer boy, don’t know what he meant. On our way back they began an academic discussion on sexual matters. I felt a bit embarrassed. But they started explaining that if I am to study medicine then this and that. They think I’m still such a child and Zygu doesn’t let them tell any vulgar jokes (I mean, to me).
We were making plans for our time at university—they’ll be downstairs and Irka and I upstairs. Zygu wanted to lend me one book, “Which you can learn a bit from.”
He generally has become very forceful recently (which I like terribly). He tells me, for example, “Rena! Learn that German poem! Now!” or “Rena is to go to a drama school” and he gave Rysiek a beating for teasing me. He was furious at W for his “Can I come with you?” “Rena, about turn, fetch the coat!” And when I took offense, he said, “Well then, will you do an about turn and I will give you your coat?” When they were in the red corner Zygu said that as soon as he mentions me, I appear in the window. He keeps staring at me, so sweetly. When Maciek said that one needed a friend, he replied that one needed to find one then.
I could fill whole notebooks with just one conversation. That’s why I’m not writing everything, just thinking … thinking … that God is good and my Mama loves me very much and they’ll both help me with everything …
FEBRUARY 28, 1941, FRIDAY
God! Saturday tomorrow already? How quickly this week has passed! It’s Saturday tomorrow. What’ll happen at this time of the day?! I’m so scared. Lord God, help me, and you, my one and only Mama!!
MARCH 1, 1941, SATURDAY
School was sweet! Zygu asked if Prochaska calls me Mrs. Schwarzer (so using his surname). He even says it himself. I’m not sad. It’s not a sin. I turn myself over to Your care, Buluś and God.
MARCH 2, 1941, SUNDAY
It was such a pretty day today! Springlike! Sunny! I saw Zygu in town, walking with some ramblers, he bowed, sent me a burning look. What an idiot! Couldn’t he approach me? He laughed, silly billy! But it doesn’t matter; we’re both in love (only me) and young. Irka wrote this and if it rubs off then … well. And it’s starting to wear off already, but we don’t. Oh, you know, I recall thousands of things, thousands of nice, intimate things. Otherwise I’ll go crazy—and cold—and everything will go to nothing.
Irka loves Feluś. I wrote a poem for her yesterday.
Is it really nothing? This week it’s Irka’s birthday. There might be a dance party. Will it be sweet? Will I dance with Zygu? It’s so good now, I have his photo and can stare at it for hours, stare and stare. I won’t see him again today.
Good night, dear Diary. I’m jealous of you, because you can spend a whole day with my thoughts about him and his image … Well, let’s see what happens next, Buluś. Bye …
SMALL, STIFLING FLATS
The day is autumnal, gray and dripping
I stand by the window tightly wrapped
Listening to the old clock’s loud ticking
Watching the street in the rain trapped
It’s cold and it’s so deserted
My nose runs, I have shivers
I feel like many people, I’m certain
When autumn rains deliver
Everything’s the same, but then not quite
Dusk sneaks in, I hear crickets chirping
I’m reading my diary in the dim light
A spring page. I’m returning
“Happy days are near
filled with sun, light, bliss
I’m so joyous, full of cheer
glad for early spring like this!
Let’s open windows wide
Let’s unlock doors and gates
Let’s stand with spring side by side
Let’s assist it, link our fates
Come! Why don’t you? On our way!”
We run armed with songs and play
With flowers in many bouquets
Wait, I’m coming, with you I belong!
I’m so happy, I’m so merry
So bright, warm and so amorous
I want to open my heart, to unbury
And walk toward the glamorous spring!
I read those impassioned lines
Words filled with sun and fragrance
Sounding of carefree delight
Dirty windows cry with tears
The autumnal sky is weeping
I read and I think to myself
That something else might’ve happened
Sun, happiness, smiles, I bet
Now—it’s so dreadful, so inapt
This autumnal day, gray and wet
I stand by the window tightly wrapped
Perhaps at some point in my life
On some sad autumnal day
When the moment is quite right
I’ll read my spring, sun-filled diary!
What spell do you cast on me?
Because of you I do nothing
Like thunder you rule my eyes, me
I can’t live because of you
What is it, God! Mama!
MARCH 3, 1941, MONDAY
Irka’s birthday. Actually Zygu’s a swine, but he’s so sweet and lovely that I forgive him everything. He approached me and greeted me sweetly at school, he told me he was “dragged to a party,” but that he was terribly bored. Aha! When Tusiek was trying to convince him to come along to the party, he said, “I would rather go to town to see somebody.” See whom? Rena. They teased him terribly about me, he didn’t dance and today at school he said, poor him, “Not only do they call me Rena’s husband, but also Arianka’s brother-in-law.” Oh, his words were so wonderful. “Rena, you look like you just got out of bed.” And then, “What about the newspaper?” and “You must have written something about me” and then this look and this and that and the other.
I arranged with him to come to Irka’s, but he didn’t come, this wonderful boor.
Nora avoids people, even us. She holds a grudge against us, especially against me. I understand that, I’m not angry. She seems to think people laugh at her and in fact she’s right. But she doesn’t even realize how bad it is. This Nacek … And today to Irka—anyway he also told her something at the party. I’d like to know what it was. What could he have told her, this vulgar lout? She might feel relieved if she were to tell me, but as it is … poor, poor Norka … God, Buluś, please take care of me. There is something about us like a solid relationship, like a marriage. Mama, why aren’t you here with me now?
FEBRUARY 5, 1941, WEDNESDAY*
Ah, Wednesday again! Mama, if you were here, I wouldn’t be lacking for anything, I don’t think! It would be so good, but … There is always some kind of a “but” … When will you come?
Now there are long walks, goodbyes and meetings—I can’t even describe it all. Anyway, in the morning he bought some gingerbread from the canteen and let me have a bite, in fact pushed it almost whole into my mouth. He told me about Roma, how she came to see him at 7 a.m. when he was still in bed. And Ir
ka told me that he must have asked a hundred times about me during the match etc. etc. He keeps going on about how beautiful my eyes are, these eyes, eyes, eyes (he likes my personality as well—Maciek has told me and he was right). Zygu says, “Rena, nothing can help you, it’s all in your eyes” or “I’m under the spell of somebody’s eyes.” He said something about my skin too, so I asked if he was being ironic, to which Z took offense and said … Ah, he’s so wonderful … He stroked my hair. He said, “Why does Irka’s hair stay up so easily?” and that he won’t jump higher than 1.48 m, and that I should switch to sport. And that we’ll go to a party together on Saturday. “Rena, you better learn how to swing dance.” “You are to start reading papers as of today.” It was so sweet, so wonderful when they teased us in town and he said, “Rena, what an alliance!” and “Roma doesn’t compete with you directly because she senses your superiority.”
I really can’t write it all down. He said we need to find somebody for Nora, but I told him to leave it, because she’s so low. Zyguś, wonderful Zyguś … And still so very shy … Mama, if only you could come. God, please keep helping me. I give myself into Your care … Ah, one part of my wish is beginning to come true, let’s just hope for the other … Oh, Lord!
FEBRUARY 6, 1941, THURSDAY*
He came to the classroom after his classes today. But at the break he was plotting something with Irka. They laughed a lot, I was very curious. And Irka told me what it was about. Zygu told her in secret that he was in love with me, that I have wonderful eyes (I’m fed up with the eyes thing) and teeth like pearls, eyelashes like curtains and nose and everything else and doesn’t Irka by chance know if I love him too? Of course he asked her to be discreet, because he wants to tell me himself or something along those lines. He said he would be happy with me.
I’m torn, not sure if I should believe Irka, but she swears it’s true … Ah!!! If that’s the case, then Zygu is a total fool! He’s an oaf! He’s a boor! Who deals with such a delicate issue through a third person?! Can’t he just tell me? What a baby! And he still knows how to ask about my time of the month. Sweet, sweet, wonderful Zyguś! Mama, come! God, Buluś, under Your protective wings I look for shelter …
I’m waiting and waiting, I worry
Time goes on. It’s not filled with bliss
The inscription is getting blurry
And Zygu’s still in no hurry to give me a …
FEBRUARY 7, 1941, FRIDAY†
We almost … Today after class, he pushed me (gently) against a wall and brought his lips close to mine … He said, he said, “My sweet poppet” and also, “What shall I do with those eyes?” I told him to get me sunglasses. He asked why I was so evil? That was too much, I was outraged. “What, Zygu? Am I evil?” He took my hands and repeated sweetly, no, no, no! And asked about the plans for tomorrow.
Tomorrow can be whatever he wants. We’re going to Irka’s, but will everything be the way I want it? I’m not so very scared anymore … But will I get disappointed???
I feel strange. I might go to his place. Will it all work out, at least a little bit? I pray to God and Buluś. I ask You earnestly to take care of me …
MARCH 9, 194111
He was sweet at school on Saturday, he called me “my sweetness” and said that he must look like a “sweetness.” I wonder if he really likes me? But he wasn’t at Irka’s, he didn’t come … and I waited … Perhaps it wasn’t his fault, as he wasn’t properly invited, but still. He was himself looking forward to Saturday and …
Each moment gave me hope
Each strike and chime of the clock
A doorbell, steps, knocking—a shiver
Raised the scope of my anticipation
You didn’t come. Why didn’t you knock?
Today I don’t miss the hum and laughter
A shame you weren’t there
I’m glad it is the day after
It’s all gone and I don’t care
Gone are the dancing couples, quiet all the voices
And I can think sweetly
Of kissing you, brushing your hair, rejoicing
It feels so good, completely!
Something strange happened today. I kind of knew something was the matter, but I still didn’t think it was so bad! Maciek is in love with me! So now I understand what it all means, that he walks me home, that he constantly has something to whisper in my ear, or a speck to brush off me, that he raves about my lips, eyes, that he embraces me and yesterday he even kissed me. I didn’t want to tell you, because I didn’t think it was anything special. All his meaningful hints I took as “Well, he says that, but it’s just gossip.” But now I don’t know myself, or rather I know that Zygu didn’t come to the dance party because he was jealous, very jealous in fact—and I so understand him. Wonderful poor stupid Zygu! Don’t you see you are the only one I love? I tell you this with my every move, every look I send you! You! You! You! It’s true, I like Maciek, I like him very much, but how can you compare those two feelings, liking and loving?!!! He is jealous. Really!
I went to Irka’s today and we had a vigorous discussion about it, while Zygu and Maciek were at my place. Zygu wrote in Arianka’s diary “For my girlfriend’s sister,” so he now officially calls me his girlfriend, oh merciful heavens! They left me a note, which I paste below. They came to my place, what a shame I wasn’t home! Zyguś was here, my wonderful Zyguś, Mama! Ah, Buluś, if only you were here … You will help me, Buluś, and You, God …
MARCH 11, 1941, TUESDAY
Wonderful! Divine! Good! First at school with chocolate. Then in the afternoon he came to the Shevchenko club.* It was so good to sit together and talk a lot. Everybody was pulling knowing faces. Then we left. At first Maciek and Poldek hung around, annoyingly, but soon they were gone and we were on our own. We spent maybe two, three hours walking. It was so nice. Zygu is very tactful and delicate—like nobody else! He sang, “Du hast die schönste Augen. Mein Liebchen (Mädchen) was wils du noch mehr.”†
I don’t remember it all exactly. I only know I was happy. It feels so good to be with him. He was really sorry for not coming on Saturday. He apologized and promised that this Saturday we will party together for sure. Aha! And we made arrangements to go to the movies on Thursday! Zyguś, you are so wonderful! Wonderful! Mama, I wish you could meet him soon … You will help me, Buluś and God …
MARCH 12, 1941, WEDNESDAY
I heard people teasing him after school. Irka met him after he said goodbye to me. She said he was very irritated and when she asked him what he was doing for so long with me, he replied, “What’s the problem? I can’t? With my Renuśka?” And he told Irka she would make a caring wife, but then he added that I would not make such a caring wife, because I like daydreaming.
I’ll be such a daydreamer
A fantastic, poetic wife
I’ll watch the sky a-shimmer
And count stars all my life
I’ll invite butterfly swarms
I will practice playing clarinet
I will gather flowers in my arms
And make sure you never fret
Fragrant ambrosia I will stew
I’ll dust with clouds, mend clothes with sunrays
I will be loving and pining and true
A fantastic, poetic wife, always
Somebody might tell you—half-witted
That it is really not permitted
To have some crazy, insane wife
Don’t let them talk, don’t waste your life
I will fill both of my hands
With blossom of lilies, apples, cherry
I will drape them, make garlands
I’ll make each moment merry
complete with a poem’s amazing flow.
I’ll grab the wide, seven-color rainbow
I’ll write directly on the sky’s blue
That, Zyguś, that I … I love you
So hush, you magpies so outraged
With such a crazy wife
Burn piles o
f meat on the stage
What matters is your eyes, your life
And your brow, unclouded, under your hat
So, tell me, Zygu … Do you want a wife like that?
MARCH 13, 1941, THURSDAY
I’m breathless, you know?! If I only could, I’d scream with all my might, brightly, springlike!!! Just think, a whole afternoon with him! First at the movies he paid for my ticket and he also bought a ticket for some poor child. He is so good, my Zygu! You know, I’m saying it, or rather writing, rather dryly, but you should have seen it, this gesture and his sweet, wonderful face. Zygu! He’s such a good person; he doesn’t say anything bad about anybody, even his enemies, even his rivals.
Then we spent two hours at my place (I think he stole my photo), then at Irka’s. We were, you know, like a real couple. It’s better than I dared to dream! Ah, my wonderful Mama, if only you were here with me now!
Then, on our way back home, Zygu wanted to find out something about Maciek. He knows a bit, he figured out a bit more … But, you know, he’s in … I know what he wanted, here, at Rejtan Street, and then, when we were saying goodbye … ahhh (thiiis again). I knew he was irritated. At the end he said, “mein Liebchen.” I won’t even tell you that we walk arm in arm all the time and we are officially an item.
Ich bin din
Du bist min*
I wanted to punish you hard
To imprison you in my heart
You will stay forever there
’Cause I lost the key somewhere …
I can’t even tell you what it’s like … Mama and Great Lord God, I’m so very grateful to You and I love You. And I’m submitting myself to Your care.
MARCH 14, 1941
It’s Saturday tomorrow … As usual I await it and I’m scared … I love, love more and more … Buluś, God, You will help me!
MARCH 15, 1941, SATURDAY
He was wonderful today at school! And he said he would give me all of today’s afternoon. And he crossed his fingers for my schoolwork. He was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. As a result we forgot to make plans and I only saw him in the evening in town. He was with friends—he excused himself and approached me. “You know, Irka’s right when she says that we’re like a ‘pretend’ married couple.” Zygu tells me that if I don’t do my hair, he’ll not shave, so because I’m going to the hairdresser’s, Z’ll shave.
Renia's Diary Page 11