by Jani Kay
“It’s okay,” I assured her, “Montana has told me what happened with Adrian.”
She audibly sucked in a breath. “Everything?”
“Yeah, I think so. We spent the whole weekend together, mostly at the loft. We had a lot of time to talk between fu . . . um sleeping.”
Red giggled. “I still regret I never got to meet The Monster. I’m sure he’s fun.”
“You’re an awesome girl, Red, and Beckham is a lucky man. But The Monster will never belong to anyone else but Montana, so I’ve got to get this shit with Jake to go away forever. I want babies with her too, and I guess you know how she feels about that.”
Red whistled between her teeth. Impressive for a girl. “My, my, you do have big balls, Levi Barrington.” She laughed at her own joke and I joined in too, at my own expense.
“I’m just driving into the underground garage at our offices. Call me when you get to Manhattan and we can meet up to talk further. I can’t wait to see what you’ve got on Jake.”
“Sweet. Talk soon.”
“Red?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you found Montana again. She needs a friend like you. All the stuff you women talk about that we men don’t understand. . .”
Red laughed. “I’m glad too.” The smile in her voice was proof of her sincerity, and I was digging Montana’s friend more and more as I got to know her better. She was like a breath of fresh air compared to the stiff corporate types in the fiercely competitive business world I dealt with daily. “You’re good for her, Levi.”
I couldn’t help puffing my chest out just a little. “You’ll cater for our engagement then?”
Her reply came without hesitation. “Nope. Find someone else. That night I’m coming as a guest, Mr. Big Dick.” She wasn’t joking, not even the tiniest bit.
I liked this woman. There was probably somewhere I could place her in our organization. She’d be an asset to any company. Before I could voice my ideas, she snuffed them with her next comment.
“Beckham and I are getting married in three months’ time and we’ve already started working on getting me pregnant. You can be the godfather if you like?”
“Wow, that’s random.” I chuckled. “I’d be honored, but first I’ll talk about that with Montana. I’ll see you soon.”
Babies. I wanted a fuckload of them with Montana. Sweet little blond cherubs who looked just like her.
Chapter 35 — Montana
I hummed a tune as I brushed my teeth. My heart overflowed with happiness and I was so madly in love with Levi that I could hardly see straight. He’d left the loft early, letting me sleep in for a while longer and then have the bathroom to myself to get ready for work.
He’d only been gone for two hours but already I missed him. My whole body ached for him; all I could think of was Levi. Every part of me was consumed by my lover and it made my heart sing.
To reflect my mood, I chose a pretty pink blouse and floral skirt from the stash Wilson had delivered from my and Levi’s weekend shopping spree and once I was dressed I assessed myself in the mirror. Not too shabby.
I’d never worn anything remotely feminine to work before, always going for classic suits and looking professional and businesslike. I decided to let my hair down too and applied the hottest pink lipstick I owned with lashings of mascara and a cute upward flick at the end of my eyeliner.
Levi had truly spoiled me and I had half a dozen pairs of new shoes to choose from. There was no hesitation in my mind—the nude Louboutins would be perfect with my outfit. Just flirty enough but not too over the top for the office.
What had started off as a disaster had turned into the best weekend of my life, but I couldn’t help worrying if once Levi went back to the office and back to reality he’d sober up from his love-struck drunkenness and decide it was all too much.
I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it. That was why I’d never allowed myself the luxury of falling in love before. It was far worse to have had a taste of something so perfect and then have it ripped away than to never have had it at all. At least, that was what I’d believed before. Now I wasn’t convinced. Levi had opened my eyes and my heart and I loved being in love. It just made the day so much better in every single way. Everything seems brighter.
Except for my apartment and everything in it. The police were investigating and I’d made a claim to the insurance company. Very little was salvageable and the apartment had been closed off by the police for two reasons: firstly a safety issue because the building was so old and secondly they were looking for clues to how it could have happened.
Levi had sent Wilson to take pictures of the damage and since he was trained in security, to look for clues and find out anything he could while assisting with the investigation.
My euphoria wore off and my smile turned to a frown.
Then there was the drama with Jake I couldn’t seem to shake.
That part of my life was determined to haunt me forever. I still had Mom to take care of, and I didn’t want all the pain from the past to come hurdling back and cause her more angst. We’d both paid the price for Adrian’s actions and Levi had finally done what no psychologist had been able to do in more than a decade. He’d helped me understand that it was self-defense and me trying to protect my mother that drove me to do what I did. If I hadn’t stopped Adrian, both my mother and I could have been a lot worse off.
Levi was right. That night would possibly only have been the beginning. The thought of it happening again and again made me sick to the stomach. I enjoyed the kinky stuff Levi and I did as consenting adults, but what my stepfather wanted to do to me and my mother, forcing us to watch, was beyond sick.
Everything inside me would have died.
It was Adrian, or me and Mom.
My body may have survived the ordeal, but my soul would have shriveled up if I didn’t stop him.
At the time I could never have known how it would affect both of us afterwards. The damage that was inflicted was far beyond the physical and in a sense so much more difficult to deal with.
Bile pushed up to my throat. I’d gone from lovesick to sick to the stomach in a matter of moments. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror I suddenly looked ridiculous in my pretty floral summery outfit.
My phone buzzed on the table near me. I glanced over to see who it was, already knowing instinctively that it was Levi and unsure how to react.
I was right; a text from Levi.
Maybe he was having regrets and he’d changed his mind about keeping me in his life now he’d put some distance between us in the few hours we’d been apart and he’d had time to think.
I don’t deserve a man like Levi.
He should have someone better than me in his life. Someone without scars and baggage.
Because panic had gripped my heart and my knees couldn’t hold my weight much longer, I stepped backwards gripping my phone with white knuckles until I sat on the edge of the bed. I doubled over, pain radiating through me.
My hands trembled as I keyed in my password to unlock my phone. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, bracing myself for the worst as I drew long, slow breaths into my stomach to settle me.
When I couldn’t stand not knowing any longer, I opened my eyes to read Levi’s words.
Missing you already. You make me happy, Montana. More than you will ever understand.
My heart fluttered and my mouth went dry.
With shaky fingers, I typed my reply.
Really?
Even though the question was more for myself than him, his answer came without hesitation.
Yes, really. When will you accept how much I love and want you?
The warmth his words evoked helped me shake the feelings of dread.
I’m trying.
It was the only honest answer I could give him at that point.
You’re on my mind 24/7. When I’m not with you I dream of being with you.
This man. He was good for me in so many ways I
couldn’t even count. A small smile crept over my face. I was so damn blessed.
I’m flattered.
The second I’d hit the send button I regretted my reply. It was shallow and about my ego, but I didn’t know what else to say. Whenever Levi spoke of emotions rather than plain sex, I was at a loss for how to handle it. Talk about The Monster, and I could flirt back. Talk about love and feelings, and I closed up like a clam.
His reply only came a few minutes later. Did I hurt his feelings by not telling him I felt the same? I’d never done it before and it didn’t come easily to me now.
I held my breath while reading the new message.
Do you miss me too?
Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth? I missed him so much a dull ache had settled in my chest. I wanted for us to stay in our protected bubble forever, just the two of us shutting out the rest of the world and all its problems.
I’d read enough self-help books in the last decade to last me a lifetime while searching for answers. Some of what I’d read must have made an impression because in that instant, it hit me: I had to create the change I wanted. If I allowed the past to rule my life, I’d never find the happiness I’d denied myself for so long.
Levi was offering me change and all I had to do was to trust and believe him. It would be the most difficult thing I’d done in my entire adult life, yet it couldn’t be any other way.
There was only one manner in which to save myself and that was to push the negative thoughts from my mind and focus on the positive. With words like those from Levi, I could conquer the world.
Yeah, I miss you madly. What have you done to me, Mr. Barrington?
I hit the send button before I could change my mind.
I bit into my bottom lip as I waited for another text from Levi. Was that too much? A tight knot formed in my stomach and I rubbed it with large circles.
Two minutes and thirty-three seconds passed before my phone buzzed again. I was still sitting on the bed and I ran the risk of being late for work, but for the first time in my life I didn’t really care. This was so much more important.
You miss me or The Monster?
I sucked in a breath. This was a test I didn’t want to fail.
Mostly I miss you. The Monster, without you, is a dick.
A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I got a smiley face and a little red heart icon back a few seconds later. That wasn’t as hard as I’d imagined. All I had to do was speak the truth. Yet telling Levi my inner thoughts and deep emotions terrified me, because once I spoke them, there would be no going back.
I’d sworn I’d never let my emotions rule my life. I’d always be in control. I’d shut everything out and made my career my priority after taking care of my mom. But I’d never counted on the tenacity or persistence of a man like Levi. How naïve I’d been, thinking I could protect my heart with an agreement. It was almost laughable.
Matters of the heart transcended everything we led ourselves to believe. I was learning the lesson fast. I’d fallen head over heels for Levi and running away from it wouldn’t change a damn thing.
I wanted to stop running. Stop hiding how I really felt about him. Stop pretending that all I wanted from him was sex.
It was time to let the little girl in me go so that she could finally become the woman she deserved to be. There was only one thing stopping me: my deep fear of real intimacy. Of messy emotions. Of finally caving in to love.
Could I do it? Could I be the woman Levi wanted?
Chapter 36 — Levi
It was exactly the breakthrough I’d been hoping for. Although I knew in my heart that Montana loved me too, I needed to hear it from her lips. I sat in the coffee shop, waiting for Red and Beckham, grinning like an idiot at the screen when she admitted that she missed me, Levi, and not just my dick.
Of course I wanted more. I wanted to hear that she couldn’t live without me, but this was a great start and I’d take it any day.
I glanced at my watch, impatient for the new couple to arrive so that I could hear what they had for me. Today was the day Jake Monroe got what was coming to him, and I couldn’t wait to get it over and done with so Montana could move on and forget that Jake existed. She’d been through enough shit with Adrian and her mother to still have to deal with that asshole and his threats.
Red beamed from ear to ear as she made her way toward my table, pulling Beckham by the hand as if he weren’t moving fast enough. Fiery and impatient. Hopefully Beckham was equipped to deal with a dynamite like Red.
I planted a kiss on her cheek and shook Beckham’s hand before signaling the waitress that we needed three more coffees. She showed me a thumbs up and I indicated for everyone to sit. I was so damn pumped I couldn’t wait to hear what they had to say. From the flush on Red’s cheeks, I knew it was better than my wildest expectations.
“After the weekend we had, I need the injection of caffeine,” Beckham said approvingly. “I hope the coffee is strong and hot.”
He pulled out a chair for Red and rubbed her shoulders when she sat down before taking the seat next to her. The way he looked at her, I could see the man was a goner. He was no longer a threat to my relationship with Montana, and I had to admit I could actually see why she liked her boss as much as she did. But until Montana told me outright that she loved me as much as I loved her, I would protect my territory fiercely. Heck, who was I kidding? I’d kill for her, and any fucker who tried to take her from me was dead already.
We made small talk about their travels for a few minutes until the waitress returned with the coffees. She flashed me a smile, and I waited for her to leave before I got down to business.
“So come on, stop keeping me on the edge of my damn seat.” I rubbed my hands together as I licked my parched lips. “What have you got on Jake?”
Beckham handed the bag he had slung over the back of his chair to Red. With huge flair, she opened the clasp and extracted a thick file which she placed on the table in front of me.
“Open discreetly,” she warned, with an excited tone to her voice. “There are photographs in there that are very sensitive in nature.”
I did a quick sweep of the room as I picked up the yellow file. I’d purposely chosen to sit in the far corner so we’d have a bit of privacy. Everyone around us was engrossed in their phones or tablets and far from interested in anything else that was going on.
I held in a breath and opened the file.
There it was, in full color—Jacqueline before, and after as Jake. The whole procedure, leaving little to the imagination. Yeah, Jake certainly had the full package, as he’d bragged to Montana.
I mean, I’d seen other guys naked at the gym, yet nothing prepared me for that. Not only did Jake have a cock, but it was fucking huge, almost rivalling The Monster. What was more, it appeared perfect, as if he were born with it. I was amazed at what a great job the surgeon had done.
“Yeah, isn’t it something?” Red laughed as she took in my expression.
“Jesus. I wish I could bleach my eyeballs,” I muttered. “I can never unsee that.”
Beckham chuckled. “You haven’t gotten to the best part yet,” he said drily.
I tore my gaze away from the photo—I’d seen more than enough already—to their excited faces. It was as if they were watching a child open his or her Christmas presents.
“What?”
“Read the report on the next page.” Red was nearly on my lap as she flipped the page for me.
I skimmed through the report.
Names. Tick.
Dates. Tick.
Family history. Tick.
Occupation. Hmmm, interesting. I’d never have guessed.
Medical History. Fuck.
Jacqueline had been born with an appendage that resembled a penis. She’s had the package all along.
I read the rest of the report. Ambiguous genitalia—also known as atypical genitalia—was the medical term for a birth defect or variation of the sex organs that made it unclear w
hether a newborn was a boy or a girl.
“This condition occurs approximately once in every 4,500 births. The baby has a mixture of both female and male parts,” I read out loud. I had no idea and I couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for Jacqueline. Obviously her parents had decided to raise their baby as a girl and it hadn’t worked for her.
I flipped the page and read some more. “Insecurity and uncertainty about their gender identity, such as feeling like the opposite gender to the sex that was determined earlier in life may occur in some children if the incorrect gender was chosen for a baby.”
It all made sense, even the occupation Jacqueline had chosen directly after school. It wasn’t one typically chosen by a girl.
“Yeah, but it still doesn’t excuse the shit that Jacqui got up to. There is no reason for that regardless of her gender,” Red insisted adamantly.
“I agree with Red. I’m by no means homophobic and I know neither of you are either, but Jacqueline and now Jake doesn’t seem to be a nice person,” Beckham said.
I looked up from the papers and nodded to confirm his assessment. “Life isn’t always fair and many people are born with defects. It’s not the affliction itself that’s the problem, it’s how the person involved handles it.”
“Exactly. Jake most likely didn’t learn to deal with it very well. It didn’t help that people judged Jacqui and avoided the strange teenager. I wish I knew back then,” Red said with empathy.
I came to the final page and read it too. The surgeon’s role was to remove her small breasts and help enlarge the penis. He’d also given her scripts to change her hormones so she’d become a testosterone-driven man. That part had worked remarkably well.
“I don’t know how we missed it back at high school.” Red’s eyes were wide and her arms flew around as she spoke. “How we never caught on that Jacqui had a dick and not a vagina.”
Of all things, I felt pity for Jake. He’d been trapped in a body that was no fault of his own. But then the anger swelled up in me at how he’d treated Montana. Regardless of a person’s lot in life, they had no right to make someone else’s life hell.