by Jani Kay
At first when we’d walked in I was mortified, thinking that all of the staff would remember me, but apparently they had different people working that evening shift because nobody even gave me a second glance. But then again, this was New York, and they were probably used to seeing all sorts of weird things. Either that or they were professional as hell.
Other than the wink Levi gave me when he ordered the steak, he too had acted as if we didn’t fuck like tigers in the parents’ room causing so much heat we could’ve set off the fire alarm.
I drank a few mouthfuls of sparkling water to cool me down and bring my attention back to the moment. My head still spun from what they’d told me and it was taking me a while to absorb it all.
Red and Beckham had ordered steaks too after Levi’s recommendation, but Red had hardly touched hers as she animated wildly with her fork in her hand while relaying her part in Jake’s demise. Her eyes were bright and her satisfied grin was proof that she believed Jake deserved this.
He did.
Yet a part of me couldn’t help feeling sorry for Jacqui/Jake, because I knew firsthand how hard it was to shake off the demons of the past. The difference was that Jake’s devils still drove him to exact revenge whenever he felt wronged.
It was easy to see how someone else should change to become a better person. Not so much when I had to do it myself, and that was probably why I’d chosen to lock my demons away and protect my heart with vows to my mother, even though they now stood in the way of what I wanted.
Red took a sip of the expensive Napa Valley Merlot that Beckham had insisted on ordering for her and washed down the mouthful of steak she’d hardly chewed in her excitement. “After his meltdown this morning, the station reported that Jake had come down with a violent bug and was going to be off-air for an indeterminable time. I would’ve loved to be a fly on that wall today, watching as Jake’s carefully constructed world came crashing down.”
Beckham looked at her with stars in his eyes. My boss was smitten—he’d never looked at me that way, even when he’d thought he wanted me. Red could ask him for the freaking moon and he’d get it for her. He pulled her closer to his chest and circled his arms around her. “Montana, your friend really is as brilliant as she is beautiful. But remind me to never get on the wrong side of her. I can’t believe how Red coerced so much information out of everyone.” The adoration in his expression would make me yak if I didn’t think Red deserved a great man like Beckham.
I laughed. “That’s her special talent. Trust me, I know how she can be. I never could keep a secret from Aspen.”
“Aspen?” Beckham said with a confused look. “I’m talking about Red, my fiancée right here.”
Red—born Aspen Marianne Lancaster—glared at me, making a cut sign across her neck with her fingers. I ignored her. Payback for all the times she’d interrogated me to within an inch of my life and other shit she’d put me through.
I smiled sweetly at my boss. “Yeah, didn’t you know your fiancée was conceived in and thus named after the famous ski resort?”
“Monty . . .” Red’s cheeks turned a dark shade of pink. She hated me telling that story of how her mom seduced her dad on the ski slopes within hours of meeting him and falling pregnant there and then. That was where the whole insta-love thing started, between her parents, and it was a running family joke.
“What?” I shrugged, pretending I didn’t notice her squirming. I wasn’t sure why I was acting as childish as what I was. I was grateful for what she’d done for me, and yet I couldn’t help myself. Maybe it was because underneath my hard, protective shell, I wanted what she had—a man who claimed every inch of me in public without hesitation—even though I denied it with every fiber in my being. I softened my bitchy tone to a playful one. It wasn’t Red’s fault. “Beckham’s going to find out when you fill in all those forms to get married, silly. You can’t hide that kind of shit from him forever.”
I took a big gulp of wine to hide my shame. I wanted the best for my friend and I hated that I was being petty when she’d gone out of her way to help me. It wasn’t that I wanted Beckham—hell no—she could have him with pleasure.
“Aspen,” Beckham said with an amused grin. “I guess they didn’t know at the time you’d be born with flaming red hair.” He pulled away a few inches and played with her hair as if it were made from pure spun gold.
Red met my eyes for a few moments and started chuckling. “Red hair and insta-love runs in the family.” If she’d caught my envy, she was letting me off lightly by making fun of herself and deflecting my insecurities. “Apparently my great-grandmother and maternal grandmother were the same as me and my mom.” She wrinkled her nose. “It’s a curse.”
Beckham looked down at her with a grin. “Does that mean we’ll have a red-haired daughter, too?”
“Probably.”
“Well, I’m getting a shotgun to keep the boys away then. That should end the insta-love curse, because no way will that happen to my baby girl.”
Levi laughed and slapped Beckham on the back. “Good luck with that, buddy.” He turned his attention to me, his gaze burning into my eyes. “I’d be that lucky to have a daughter that is the splitting image of her beautiful mother. Just imagine a little Monty as a playmate for Little Red.”
My mouth went dry and I couldn’t even smile. Men talking about babies made my skin itch, like some kind of allergic reaction.
Red raised an eyebrow as she turned to Levi. “You didn’t get the memo that Monty’s never having kids? That’s why I asked you to be the godfather of our babies.”
“You mean like a consolation prize?” Levi gritted his teeth. His good mood evaporated while my stomach dropped to my shoes. I couldn’t bear talking about babies. It still sat heavily on my heart and turned me inside-out every time. A few weeks ago they’d been invisible but suddenly I saw them damn near everywhere. Every time a baby came near me lately I turned and cooed at how cute it was.
A surge of panic flooded my body. What the hell was happening to me? Thoughts of marriage and babies were fucking with my normally logical mind, and the cool-as-a-cucumber front I put up was crumbling faster than I could handle.
Beckham looked straight at me then at Levi with sincere pity in his expression. “She told me she was never getting married. Sorry, buddy.”
“Hey, guys, I’m sitting right here. Don’t talk about me as if I’m not,” I huffed, holding on to my belief system with every grain I could muster as I crossed my arms over my chest, frustration oozing from my pores.
What’s the big deal? I wasn’t stopping Beckham and Red from getting hitched or having a team of kids, and I’d agreed to be Levi’s girlfriend, so what was all the damn fuss about? It was all good as far as I was concerned. Or was it?
My eyes moved up to meet Levi’s. The sorrow flashing through his took my breath away. The whole evening was turning to shit even though we were supposed to be celebrating.
“I’m hoping some day soon Montana will change her mind about all of that.” A small smile twisted the corner of Levi’s mouth, but he didn’t seem at all happy.
My heart squeezed for him. I wanted to take his pain away, but I was so damn scared I froze. I reached for my glass and took another huge gulp of wine, letting it slide down my throat to wet the dryness that threatened to choke me.
“Can we please stop all this nonsense talk and get back to Jake? What’s happening next?”
Levi flinched but didn’t say anything as he placed his glass on the table. The whole mood had shifted and it was all my fault.
Without warning, Levi’s chair scraped back as he rose to his feet. “Please excuse me. I have some important work to finish and I’m expecting a call from China.” He leaned forward and pecked my forehead. His lips were cold and dispassionate. A shiver ran down my spine, but I kept my eyes glued to the empty wine glass that was about to shatter under the pressure I was squeezing it with.
Levi tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, but still I couldn
’t look at him. “Good night, sweetheart. I’ll leave Red and Beckham to fill you in on the rest of the story. It’s a good one; you’ll love it.”
Ironic isn’t it? Now he was about to leave I wanted to grab his hand and pull him back down, beg him to stay, to wrap his arms around me and tell me the future was going to be bright.
But I couldn’t. The words froze in my throat and tears prickled the backs of my eyes.
You’re a damn fool, Montana. Levi has laid his heart at your feet and you’re letting him walk out like this.
It was Red who sucked in a deep breath, because I just sat there, lifeless. When my eyes rose to meet hers, the words mulling in my head were echoed on her face. She thought I was an idiot, too; I could just tell by the way she pursed her lips, as if stopping herself from telling me outright.
Watching Levi’s wide shoulders and stiff back as he walked away nearly killed me.
It’s better this way. I can’t give him false hope because I can’t promise him I’ll change.
Sure, I wanted for it to be different. I wanted to be as excited about getting married and having kids as what my two best friends were. But there was still something blocking me and I didn’t know what the hell it was. Why was I still so damn afraid? I knew what kind of husband and father Levi would be, and he’d be nothing like Adrian, so why couldn’t I just let my shit go and give him what he wanted?
“Monty . . .” Red’s tone was neutral, yet her eyes screamed at me to do something.
Was I really going to let the man of my dreams walk out and not go after him?
I caught a glimpse of Beckham’s face. He was confused as fuck and I couldn’t blame him. Yeah, in business I was one of the smartest women around, but when it came to my fucking heart, I was as clueless as a teenager.
Bile rose to my throat and I felt sick. I pushed to my feet as soon as Levi left through the restaurant door and it closed behind him.
“Bathroom,” I said, as I stumbled away like a drunk. It felt as if the entire contents of my stomach were in my throat and my head was spinning.
Luckily the distance to the bathroom wasn’t much, and I cupped my hand over my mouth until I let it all out into the bowl of the toilet. Violent spasms tore through my body, but it wasn’t the loss of food that caused me distress.
Red’s heels clicked on the tiles as she followed me in and closed the door behind us.
“Shit, Monty, you okay?” She placed her hand on my forehead. “Eeew, that smells. Lean back so I can flush it away.”
It took all my strength to raise my head off my arms that were crossed over the cold porcelain.
Red hit a button and I watched as everything disappeared down the bowl. Had I just flushed my chances with Levi away like that?
Without looking up, I bent my head and rested it back on my arms. My forehead was sweaty yet it felt cold, and shivers ran up and down my spine as if I had a fever.
What the hell had just happened? One moment I was all cozy with my boyfriend; the next he’d walked out the door as if he was never coming back. A million thoughts ran through my brain and my whole body shook violently.
“I know what’s wrong. We can fix this once and for all.” Red gathered my hair and held it back as I spewed once more. Beads of perspiration ran down my spine and my clothing clung to my skin. I wiped my brow with the back of my hand to stop the trickles of sweat running into my eyes. Why was it so damn hot in here? I couldn’t breathe.
“What? How?” I murmured faintly, not believing her but willing to grasp any last bit of hope. I’d fucked up and Levi wasn’t coming back. I just knew by the way he’d left. As amazing as what he was, I sensed that he’d had enough. I’d pushed his limits by being reluctant to go beyond my own boundaries.
Levi was tenacious and he went after what he wanted. But he was also smart enough to know that sometimes a person had to quit. He must’ve finally reached that point before he left. I’d seen him walk out of business negotiations before, and he never returned once he was out.
It frightened the hell out of me. I’d be lost without Levi.
Red let go of my hair and produced anti-bacterial hand wipes from her purse and handed me a few. I’d forgotten what a germ-o-phobe she was, but now I was grateful for it. I wiped my face and neck, the cool dampness soothing my burning skin.
She gripped both my shoulders to force me to look directly at her, giving me a reassuring smile as her eyes locked with mine.
“You have to go back to the root of the problem. There’s no other way.”
A wave of sickness hit my stomach again, but there was nothing more to throw up. My mouth tasted like shit and my throat was raw and dry.
“What do you mean?” I croaked, going into full denial mode.
She handed me a small stainless-steel flask that she miraculously fished from her purse. “Here, take a few swigs. It will clear your throat and your head.”
When I didn’t reach out to take it, she screwed the top off and took a long swig herself without blinking, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and held it out to me again only inches from my face. This time she had an expression of determination I couldn’t ignore, so I didn’t bother arguing. I gulped down the fiery liquid as I screwed my eyes shut. It burned all the way to my stomach.
“Jesus,” I spluttered. Only Red would have neat tequila in her purse. For emergencies, as she always joked. If ever there was a disaster that warranted emptying the flask, this was it, but I was smart enough to save some for later. This was going to get a lot worse before it got any better.
“I mean your mom. You need to go see her and talk to her. Tell her about Levi and that you’re in love with him. Get her blessing.”
Oh God. Anything but that.
I took another swig without being prompted. Fire roared down my throat, numbing my insides and dulling the relentless ache in my heart for a few seconds. Maybe if I drank, it would numb my brain, too.
I pulled a face as I handed the flask back to Red. “I can’t face her. She made me promise,” I wailed.
Red was losing her patience with me. “That’s a fucking ridiculous thing to ask a fifteen-year-old. And even more so that you think you have to keep that stupid promise. How were you to know then that there was someone as awesome as Levi waiting for you?”
I shrugged. She was right. I’d never imagined someone like Levi existed. I’d fought so hard not to fall for him and yet I’d failed miserably.
“Don’t look so fucking sad. You haven’t botched this completely yet. Levi is so damn smitten with you that once you explain to him why you’re so resistant, he’ll give you another chance.”
My shoulders drooped and I stared at the floor. “I’m not so sure about that. He looked pretty pissed off when he left. He’s had enough, and why should he put up with all my bullshit when there are so many other women who’d gladly throw themselves at him?”
Red lifted my chin. “Because he wants you. Nobody else. He told me so the very first time I met him.”
“He did?”
Red laughed. “I tried to seduce him . . . I mean, could you fucking blame me, the way he was wearing those satin pants on his hips with the outlines of his huge dick so clear? But he told me no and said his cock belonged only to one woman. He couldn’t get rid of me fast enough because he was waiting for you and he wanted everything to be perfect.”
That was what they were talking about when I’d arrived on my birthday?
“I didn’t know.”
“You hit the fucking jackpot with Levi Barrington. What man buys his woman a sex swing for her birthday and transforms the whole rooftop into a romantic garden for fucking?”
A small smile twisted my lips at the memory of that night.
“It was perfect.” I sighed. “Levi is perfect.”
“Then don’t let him get away, Monty. Put on your big-girl panties and face your demons head-on. I’ll come with you to see your mom. She has to understand what she’s asked of you . . . to make that promi
se . . . It may have helped you then, but it’s irrelevant now. You’re thirty-three, for fuck’s sake. You’re not the little girl she’s protecting anymore.”
Red was right. Why hadn’t I seen it before?
I’d held on to that promise, believing it would save me from heartache. But if I truly believed it, then why was my heart shredded at the idea of never seeing Levi again? Never again his lips on mine, his dirty words in my ears, his cock deep inside me? It wasn’t only the sex I’d miss. Never seeing him smile at me, being close to him without speaking a single word, or having him look at me in his special way would crush me.
It is fucking crushing me already.
For a supposedly smart woman I could be pretty darn stupid.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You’ll go with me?”
“Of course, sweetheart. We’ll face this together.”
“You’re the best friend ever,” I said, leaning forward to hug her.
“I’m the lucky one, Monty.” There was a smile in her voice as she squeezed the crap out of me.
“But before we go to see my mother, I need to pay Jake a visit. Can you wait a day?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks for doing this with me,” I said.
“No problem. You’ve done so much for me over the course of our friendship, not to mention that I’d never have met the love of my life if I hadn’t found you again.”
I pulled away slightly and bit back the tears. “You and Beckham are perfect for one another.”
“As are you and Levi.” She searched my face with misty eyes. “We’re going to get him back for you, babe. The man can’t live without you, and he doesn’t have to either.”
Finding it impossible to hold back the tears any longer, I let them run down my cheeks.
“Give me a few minutes, okay? Beckham must be wondering where we are.” I lifted my chin and smiled through the tears. “Go tell him I’m going to be just fine.”