Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter

by R. L. Stine

  Your stomach is growling so loudly you’re almost afraid Barney and Dora will hear it.

  You glance around the basement again. Maybe there are some cans of food.

  But no. The only shelves contain old carpenter’s tools. The only cabinets are full of torn and dirty sheets and towels.

  You really don’t want to go back upstairs. Not yet. Not with Barney the Bully and Drippy Dora waiting for you.

  What about the old refrigerator? You see that it’s plugged in. Maybe there’s something to eat inside.

  Trying not to get your hopes up too high, you approach the refrigerator. The door seems stuck. But you pull hard and it pops open.

  You spot two containers way in the back. You bend down to inspect them. And gasp!

  Turn to PAGE 29.

  You peer up the stairs. The basement door leading to the kitchen is so small. Will you be able to fit through it?

  You start up the stairs, hoping to make it to the top before you are too big to get through the door.

  SMASH! Your foot crashes through the bottom step. They’re just old and rickety, you tell yourself. You lift up your other foot and place it on the next step. CRASH!

  The stairs won’t work. You glance around the basement. You’ve got to get out before you’re trapped inside. You have to move fast — you’re still growing!

  You notice a window. It will be a tight squeeze, but it’s your only hope. You pull open the window. You’re so big now you accidentally rip it out of its frame. Pieces of wood and glass fly everywhere. You start to climb through.

  You don’t really fit. But you’re already halfway out. You refuse to give up now. You can hear the house ripping and tearing as you push your way through. Broken pipes spurt water. Torn wood scrapes your skin.

  At last, you fall onto the lawn. You glance up to see a huge hole in the wall where the basement window used to be.

  And then you hear a piercing scream.

  Turn to PAGE 90.

  At this size, you wouldn’t be surprised if you could lift an elephant.

  You’ll give it a try. You bow to the cheering crowd. The elephant bows also.

  “The Amazing Strongo!” the ringmaster cries. “The strongest human being in the world will now attempt to lift Dodo the elephant!”

  You approach the elephant. You study her from all sides. Finally, you decide the best technique would be to bend your knees and wrap your arms around her lengthwise. The elephant drapes her trunk around your neck and tickles your ear. “Cut that out,” you whisper. “Now hold still.”

  The elephant holds still. You begin to lift. The elephant is heavy — really heavy. You manage to lift Dodo a foot off the ground.

  The crowd is cheering you on. The elephant grunts happily. Then suddenly someone in the audience shouts, “Alien! Alien! It’s the alien!”

  Go on to PAGE 91.

  Cautiously, you stick a fingertip into the purple goop. It feels soft and gooey, like peanut butter.

  You stick out your tongue and take a teeny tiny taste.

  Awesome flavor! It’s purple and it’s slimy, but this weird peanut-buttery goo tastes like a combination of every delicious dessert you’ve ever had in your life.

  You lick the rest of the purple goop off your finger, then you stick your finger back in the jar. You can’t believe how yummy it tastes. You wish the whole jar were full of the purple paste.

  Unfortunately, there wasn’t very much, and soon the jar is empty.

  But you’re not hungry anymore. In fact, you feel great!

  You shut the refrigerator door and flop back down on the armchair.

  A moment later you hear a loud thump at the top of the stairs. You glance up. Your heart sinks when you see what’s there.

  Hurry to PAGE 94.

  The porch has gotten enormous. It’s gigantic — as big as an airplane hangar.

  Or maybe it’s the same size. Maybe you’ve shrunk even more. Your heart thunders in fright as you realize you might keep shrinking till there’s nothing left of you.

  A thick forest of grass lies between you and the porch steps. You glance up at a towering yellow tree, and realize it’s not a tree at all — it’s a dandelion!

  You’re as small as a bug!

  Your hands tremble, and sweat pours down your face. You feel yourself beginning to panic. You take a deep breath. Then you sit on a leaf and force yourself to think calmly.

  You still need to find the refrigerator. You have to get another look at that jar of purple peanut butter. That’s the only way you can think of to figure out how to stop shrinking. And get back to your normal size.

  Even though you’re so tiny, you’re not a quitter. Finding the refrigerator will just be a little more difficult, that’s all.

  Feeling better, you stand up and prepare to make the long trek to the house. And then you hear a loud hissing sound.

  You glance up to see a pair of gigantic yellow eyes staring straight at you.

  Turn to PAGE 110.

  You race toward the screen door. It seems miles away.

  Puff lands on the porch, then takes off after you.

  Ahead of you, the door swings shut … then opens again. The wind is making it swing.

  You’re almost there … just a few more inches —

  — a heavy paw crashes down on your back.

  Oh, no!

  You feel Puff’s hot breath on your neck. In terror you glance up to see her sharp teeth approaching your face.

  And then, suddenly, she lifts her paw. She’s letting you go!

  You scramble to your feet and run toward the door again. You’re only about six inches from it when SMACK! Puff pins you again with her paw.

  Now you remember that she always plays with her prey before she kills it. Your only chance is to reach the door the next time she lets you go.

  But can you make it? It depends on whether this is your lucky day.

  Is today Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday? If so, turn to PAGE 124.

  Or is it Tuesday, Saturday, or Sunday? Turn to PAGE 31.

  You feel stranger and stranger.

  “Speak, alien!” Dr. Harlan cries.

  But your mouth won’t move. You glance down at Dr. Harlan and watch as he begins to grow.

  He grows bigger and bigger, faster and faster. The bakery and trees are also shooting up. Just watching them makes you even dizzier.

  All at once you realize that they are not growing — instead, you are shrinking! You’re finally returning to your normal size! Whatever caused you to grow is wearing off!

  In less than a minute you’re standing next to Dr. Harlan’s red van. All around you people are running and shouting. You can still hear the squeal of sirens. Dr. Harlan is speechless. He seems frozen in shock.

  Trying to appear casual, you stroll through the crowd.

  “Hey, kid!” a policeman warns. “You’d better get out of here. There’s a mutant alien on the loose.”

  “Really?” you reply innocently. Then you shrug. “Somehow that doesn’t seem like such a big deal.”

  THE END

  While you stir the mixture, Effy adds a tiny, tiny pinch of shrink powder. Then you close the Dumpster’s lid and build a fire around it.

  You wait while the cake cooks. It smells awful, but you don’t care — you’ll eat anything if it’ll make you small again!

  At last the fire dies down. When the Dumpster is cool, you lift the lid and peek inside. The cake is green and lumpy. It smells like garbage mixed with too much cinnamon.

  You can’t wait to taste it.

  You open your mouth wide and take a big bite. It tastes even worse than it smells. Your mouth feels as if it’s full of slime!

  But you chew it and swallow. Then you wait.

  Nothing happens.

  “Eat some more,” Effy suggests.

  “It tastes too gross,” you complain.

  Effy holds up two beakers of liquid — one purple and one blue. “Maybe one of these will help. A kid I know
named Kermit gave these to me. Kermit’s a really smart scientist.”

  You stare at the beakers and suddenly remember something. There was a kid named Kermit in a GOOSEBUMPS book you once read — Monster Blood III. And he invented a liquid that made things shrink. But what color was the liquid?

  Choose the blue liquid, turn to PAGE 67.

  Pick the purple liquid, turn to PAGE 28.

  No way are you going to play with bratty Dora and her dumb dolls. You cross your arms over your chest and glare at your cousin.

  “Go ahead and tell,” you taunt, “I don’t care.”

  “You’re going to be sorry!” Dora sneers at you. Then she disappears. You can hear her calling Barney.

  Oh, great, you think. I’m going to get pounded.

  You can hear footsteps approaching. Your eyes dart around for a place to hide. You fling open the refrigerator and climb inside. The door swings shut behind you.

  “No one’s down here,” Barney growls.

  “But, Barney, I tell you —” From your cramped hiding place, you can tell Dora is bewildered. You hear them clamber back upstairs.

  Fooled you! you gloat.

  But the joke’s on you. When you try to open the door, it won’t budge! You throw all of your weight against it. Nothing! You realize you are stuck inside the refrigerator. And you are running out of air.

  Frantically, you pound and shout. No one hears you. It will be hours before Uncle Harvey and Aunt Fiona come home from work. Barney and Dora are probably playing outside.

  As you gasp your final breath you realize that even playing with Dora would have been better than this terrible

  END

  “Why can’t we go in the basement?” you ask.

  “We haven’t cleaned it out since we moved in,” Aunt Fiona tells you. “The people who owned the house before us were very strange. We don’t know what’s down there. It could be dangerous.”

  “Let’s get started!” Barney commands when his parents have gone inside. “You remember the hide-and-seek rules?”

  “I remember.” You sigh. Who could forget?

  “Whoever is It gets to pound anyone he catches,” Barney reminds you.

  “Fine,” you say. “I’ll go first.”

  “Sorry,” Barney replies. “It’s my house. I’ll be It to start. Now go hide while I count to a hundred.” He laughs as he waves his fist in your face. Then he shuts his eyes.

  Gulp. Go on to PAGE 108.

  You’ve decided to try to find the refrigerator. You need to get that jar. There may be a label on it that can tell you what to do! Or at least what the purple peanut butter is.

  You race to the front door. You come to a sudden stop, slapping your hand to your forehead. You forgot — you don’t know where the dump is. Or how to get there.

  Great. Your only hope is Barney.

  You’ll be nice, you decide. Polite. You’ll even beg. You search the house for Barney. You find him in the den, lying on the floor watching TV.

  “Hi, Barney,” you say sweetly.

  “Mmmf,” he grunts. He doesn’t even glance at you.

  “Barney —”

  “Keep it down, will you?” he growls. He’s watching King Kong. Probably identifying with the ape, you figure.

  “Barney, please,” you repeat. “I need to —”

  “Would you shut up?” Barney snaps. His eyes are still glued to the screen.

  Those weird pink dots are dancing in front of your eyes again. As soon as the tingling in your toes and fingers stops, you realize you’ve shrunk a few more inches. Now your head is level with the arm of the couch! When is the shrinking going to end? Are you going to shrink down to nothing?

  Turn to PAGE 81.

  You have an even number of letters in your first name. You continue to duel with the mouse, thrusting your pin at it. You duck while the mouse tries to claw and bite you.

  The mouse pauses for breath. It’s just the break you need. You jab at the mouse, scratching it on the forearm.

  With a squeak of pain, it turns to you again. It’s really mad this time. It opens its mouth wide and snaps at you.

  You rush to the other side of the cupboard, but the mouse follows. Your only hope is to try to escape through the mouse hole.

  You dive for the hole. The mouse is right behind you. You feel your head go through. You see green grass beyond — and freedom! Now your shoulders squeeze through the hole — but then you become stuck. You can’t go any farther forward. You try to wriggle back out, but it’s no use.

  The mouse is right behind you. You can feel its hot breath on your legs.

  If only you could shrink, just a little more!

  Unfortunately, there won’t be time.

  Too bad — looks like you lost this duel to the mouse. If you can’t smile about it, try saying “cheese.”

  THE END

  You glare across the ballfield at Barney. You aren’t going to let him keep you from joining the game.

  You’re in luck — you won’t have to fight him.

  “Wait a minute, Barney,” says a chubby kid with blond hair. “This new kid isn’t a shrimp. Come on,” he tells you. “You can be on our team.” You stick your tongue out at Barney and join the other team. You just hope they don’t hate you when they discover the terrible truth.

  You’re the strike-out champ.

  “Come on, kid,” the chubby boy says. “You’re up.”

  You’ll give it your best shot. You take the bat and step up to the plate. You gaze at the pitcher, a mean-looking red-haired girl. You grip the bat tightly and wait for the pitch.

  “Strike one!” cries the umpire.

  You can’t strike out, you think. Not with Barney’s beady eyes trained on you. You concentrate on your next swing.

  The pitcher zooms a fastball at you.

  Swing the bat on PAGE 135.

  Your big, mean, obnoxious cousin is looming over you.

  “Found you!” Barney exclaims. “Now I get to pound you!”

  You leap to your feet, but it’s too late. Barney grabs you by your T-shirt.

  “Let me go!” you shout, but it’s no use. Barney has always been the meanest bully you’ve ever known. For years you’ve dreamed of being able to beat him up.

  “What’s the matter, wimp?” Barney taunts. “Afraid of me?”

  “No!” you exclaim. You wish you meant it.

  Barney punches you in the shoulder. You know it will make things worse, but you punch back. To your surprise, Barney lets go of your T-shirt. He stumbles backward a few steps.

  “Ow!” he cries. “I didn’t know you could hit that hard!”

  Neither did you! This could come in handy. You give Barney a karate chop in the arm.

  “Stop it!” he cries. He starts to run. You can’t believe it! Barney is running away from you!

  Maybe this visit will be different, you think.

  You figure it’s safe to go back to the house. Barney probably won’t bug you anymore. You take two steps and you hear a weird ripping sound. Then you trip and fall over!

  What happened?

  Turn to PAGE 80.

  You grab the beaker of purple liquid and pour it on the cake. The liquid quickly seeps through the cake, turning it a weird lavender color. You take a big bite.

  Then you wait.

  And wait. And wait.

  Suddenly, your teeth start to chatter. Your knees begin to knock. Your body sways back and forth.

  It’s working! you think. It’s finally working.

  Your teeth chatter faster and faster. You’re afraid your fillings will fall out.

  Then your body quiets down. You glance around. You’ve returned to normal size again!

  “Hey, Effy!” you cry. “Look at me!”

  You try to run over to Effy. But you can’t. You can’t bend your arms. Or your legs. What’s going on? Your neck is incredibly stiff, too.

  “Oh, dear,” Effy says. “I guess the purple liquid was the wrong one. You’ve been turned
into a gingerbread man.”

  “What?” you cry, suddenly noticing your colorful icing clothes.

  “Don’t worry,” Effy says. She leads you inside the bakery. “Gingerbread cookies are big sellers this year. I’ll put you front and center in the display. I’m sure I’ll find a new home for you before you get too stale!”

  THE END

  Something in the refrigerator smells great! It smells so good, your mouth starts watering.

  You were hungry before, but now you’re ravenous.

  Whatever is giving off the smell must be the best-tasting food in the world!

  You pull out the two containers and examine them. One is a small jar. At the bottom of the jar is a glop of disgusting-looking purple goop. The other container is a white bakery box with a label that says EFFY’S BAKERY, MIDVALE in fancy writing.

  Inside the box is a thick slab of chocolate cake.

  You lean down and sniff. To your surprise, the delicious aroma is coming from the purple goop. It smells like a combination of the best peanut butter and jelly in the world, with chocolate on top.

  The cake doesn’t have any smell at all.

  Your stomach growls again.

  Which will you eat? The wonderful-smelling purple goop or the chocolate cake?

  If you taste the purple goop, turn to PAGE 17.

  If you try the cake, go on to PAGE 111.

  You were born in one of the first six months of the year. You jump as hard as you can onto button number six.

  For a moment nothing happens. Then the laser begins to buzz. You turn and stare as the machine glows green, then white, then yellow. You suddenly feel very sleepy. So sleepy that you have to take a nap.

  When you awaken, you find yourself curled up on the lab table, wearing a white lab coat. You stretch and yawn. You feel strange. You feel big. You stand up and notice that you’re much taller than you’ve ever been. You rush to the window and gaze into the glass.