And then Jerry, in his best Seinfeldian rant mode, was throwing it right back: “How am I supposed to keep track of who Kathy Griffin gets along with in Hollywood? You have so many fights with people, how am I supposed to know? You get along with this person one day! You make fun of somebody else the next! Am I supposed to have a chart of the people who can’t stand you in Hollywood?”
This got us laughing, especially Jerry thinking that my little fight with Spielberg would possibly be on his radar in a million years. Of course it wasn’t. You could even argue that unwittingly Jerry had gotten me back for talking shit about him in my special all those years ago. But if it had to happen, I’m glad it was with Jerry, somebody I could laugh about it with afterward. By the way, Jerry told me that he and his wife watch every episode of My Life on the D-List. Take that, Fanning.
Did the humiliation end, though? No way. Sure enough, when it came time to take my seat for Jerry’s show, guess who was sitting behind me?
Spielberg.
You know that bottleneck that always happens in the aisle after a packed show ends? Well, now I had to trudge my way out of the theater with Spielberg right next to me. So I turned to my friend Todd, who came with me to the show, and said “Go! Go! Hurry up!” But what I forgot was that Todd legitimately knew Steven Spielberg, because he’d been a consultant on War of the Worlds. So suddenly Spielberg turns and says, “Todd?”
Poor Todd looked over and said, “Oh, hi, Steven!”
But I nipped that in the bud and just pushed my friend Todd up three stairs, practically knocking him over, and out of the theater. I explained it all to him later, but basically I robbed my good friend of having a normal friendly conversation with Steven Spielberg. Because when it comes to me paying the piper, it will not last any longer than it absolutely has to, come hell or high water. Sorry, Todd.
Woz with his passion, and I mean the Segway polo, not me.
In the summer of 2007, I was on tour, going through my emails, when a woman named Kris Gunderson contacted me through my publicist. She said she was a friend of Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, she had seen my act live, and based on that, decided he and I would be a good match. That was all I needed. Soon afterward, when the New York Post put to me the question what kind of guy asks Kathy Griffin out, I got a little ahead of myself and blurted out, “Steve Wozniak is in love with me!” Oh boy.
Below is a condensed version of our relationship via cyberspace, and when I say “condensed,” I mean that I had to take a meat cleaver to some of Woz’s emails. Sorry, Mac heads, but I had to consider readers who may not be able to take seventeen pages in a row about his Segway polo match stats, or dozens of recollections detailing his golden age of laser-pointer pranks. And if the rest of you still can’t hack reading what he’s got to say, that’s because you’re no billionaire computer genius, are you? As for the spelling errors, I left in all his and mine, because that’s how I roll. Okay, here we go …
From: Kathy
Date: August 18, 2007 10:30:56 AM
To: Kris Gunderson
Subject: Oh dear god!
Please pass on to Steve:
How are you enjoying our love affair? Ok, here’s what happened. I did an interview last week and one of the questions was “What kind of guys ask you out?” That’s it. I don’t know where the Post got the details. Hope you’re not too bothered by all this. XXOO, Kathy G
From: Woz
Date: August 18, 2007 9:06 PM
To: Kathy
Subject: Re: Oh dear god! From Kathy Griffin
You are really ridiculous.
I assumed it was all very deliberate comedy and I loved it so much. Now you tell me it was accidental. I’m all bummed out.
It took me a day to respond to this email because I’m currently hosting a Camp Woz at my home. Some young kids, 13 to 17, from a New Jersey social program, are being treated to a special camp. Most of them have been badly abused in various ways.
They create their own music and do their own choreography and have a big record deal now and do N-Sync like dancing and singing and work with Justin Timberland.
Hope to hear from you,
Steve
From: Kathy
Date: August 20, 2007 5:37:44 PM
To: Woz
Subject: Re: Oh dear god! From Kathy Griffin
Steve-you’re what they call a “wierdo,” correct?
Wired.com is reporting that were not Dating anymore WTF??? I was planning our Life magazine “At home with Kathy and Steve” pictorial. oh right, Life magazine doesnt exist anymore the photos would be 1) me holding a ladle of my home made soup up for you to taste 2) me on stage with a stand up mike and you watching me from the audience with your arms akimbo, like I’ve just said something very outrageous 3) the two of us in your living room counting your money.
P.S. Its Justin TimberLAKE grandMA!
From: Woz
Date: August 23, 2007 6:45:52 PM
To: Kathy
Subject: Re: Oh dear god! From Kathy Griffin
help!!!
You are a hero of mine. I’m afraid to talk to you. It’s like my fear of talking with heroes like Bill Hewlett of Hewlett and Packard. My long standing philosophy is that the best measure of life is smiles minus frowns. I once was being inducted as the first member into my High School’s Hall of Fame and I gave the students my formula H = F cubed, meaning Happiness is Food, Fun and Friends. The kids started laughing and I had to admit that there might be a 4th F. (Family?). I heard in later years that the school administration did not like my speech because I talked of the smartest students being rebels and why I refused to say the pledge of allegiance, etc.
Anyway, your jokes have made me laugh and laugh so you are truly a hero in my book. The good medicine is better than other effects, like PC stuff. I don’t think you are PC. I really see you as a Macintosh person. Oh, wrong PC.
hasta whenever,
Woz
From: Kathy
Date: August 30, 2007 8:59:10 PM
To: Woz
Subject: Better than the lnar eclipse
Steve-I’m so thrilled you’re going to the EMMYS with me. The EMMY is an award given out to various television shows. Television is a new and exciting way of transmitting entertaining images in to the homes of humans. You should watch one some day. XXOO, KG
From: Woz
Date: August 31, 2007 1:14 AM
To: Kathy
Subject: Re: Better than the lnar eclipse
Kathy, you are a genius for this one. I probably wouldn’t do this if you had not brought me laughter in your comedy. I am truly honored. I have downloaded your D List shows. I will be straightforward at the event. My sense is that this will be successful, since I’m more of an unknown in the entertainment world. We are an interesting couple in that sense.
I like genuineness, or at least a feeling of it, so some (only a few) reality shows are the only ones I’ve watched in ages. My withdrawal from TV happened in the early days of satellite TV, before you could even buy it. You had to hand-make huge dishes. I discovered that movies delivered that way had much better acting than TV shows for the most part. Heck, the movies weren’t even encrypted or charged for when I got into it, in early Apple years.
As for my background, many know that I founded Apple but avoided running a company to stay in the laboratory. I generously gave lots of my stock to other employees who had none. I was the founder of the Children’s Discovery Museum and The Tech of Silicon Valley and The Silicon Valley Ballet and more. I wanted to give back to the city I was born in (San Jose). They named a street after me. I went back to college after Apple and finished my degree at Berkeley under the name Rocky Racoon Clark. I got my diploma in that name. I had always wanted to teach 5th grade and felt it was more important to donate yourself and your own time so I taught for 8 years with no press allowed except once for People Magazine. I don’t hang around with CEO’s or financial types. I prefer interesting creative people, starting small compani
es or doing other projects, sometime even homeless people. If they have interesting stories, that’s more important to me. Oh, I’m also well known in the San Jose for supporting animal causes and the humane society. That’s a short summary of my background.
This will be fun. I even bought a suit. What a great thing and it wasn’t even my own idea, which is unusual.
xoxo and smiles,
Woz
—tv is wake zone (anagram of my name)
From: Kathy
Date: August 31, 2007 11:45:11 PM
To: Woz
Subject: Re: Better than the lnar eclipse
—Yes, it’s Kathy Griffin here. Can you hear me? I downloaded, or I guess just listened to your interview on the Segway fansite ot whatever the fuck that was. Christ, talk about a niche market! I figured I should do some homework if you’re going to watch “My Life on the D-List” You are a very smart guy and that’s probably why whatever is wrong with you is wrong with you. I hope you can take my gentle ribbing, because honestly, I can’t get enough of it. I cannot WAIT to give you shit in person about staying at the Universal City Hilton. If you play your cards right, I might let you take me to a theme restaurant there.
I hope you know a few people will assume you’re gay just because you’re with me. Can’t help that. It will broaden your fan base. Speaking of, I find it so funny that at the mention of your name there are only two reactions. “Who” or “He’s a GOD!” Nothing in between. Congratulations on buying your first suit …
XXOO, KG (my initials)
From: Woz
Date: September 2, 2007 2:34 PM
To: Kathy
Subject: Type A
I mean Taipei …
I actually watched 6 D List shows on the flight over instead of sleeping.
I understand the stress of performing. The same goes for my own category. I just toured the world speaking for 20 years but it was phony because I did it all at my own expense, first class travel and all. I wanted to give back to the clubs that Apple came out of. But it got to be so much travel all the time that I started saying they had to pay my way. It’s still so full-time that I try to cut back more by asking for fees but I’m still overworked at this and thank god that I’m patient.
I used to carry long knives onto airplanes. In Tokyo I bought ceramic knives that fold up like switchblades. They are so health-driven there that many people don’t like metal utensils. I’d take everything metal off my body and walk through the metal detector in airports just fine. I’m sure it would work today as well but I haven’t tried this since 9–11. On the plane I’d rub the knife (metal back then) and comment to the stewardess that the knife was pretty dull and how I hoped the steak was tender. Then when the steak was served I’d pull out my ceramic knife, with about a 6-inch blade, and it worked great. The most a stewardess ever said was “wow, a plastic knife” but sometimes passengers had very upset looks across the aisle.
love to your whole crew,
oops, it’s been an hour and I’m hungry again here.
From: Kathy
Date: September 2, 2007 10:33:57 PM PDT
To: Woz
Subject: Re: Type A
I’ve never been to Taipei. Do you explore a city much when you’re there? When you’re here will you please explain Greenwich time to my in a way I can understand. In fact I’d like it if you’d pretend I was one of your fifth graders when answering most of my questions. When you ask me a question about Hollywood or celebrities, I will, however, look at you like you’re a complete moron. It just makes me feel better.
If I ever see you in an airport or fly with you I’m going to act like I don’t know you. Do you really like to travel for work this much? I get road burn out sometimes. On those days I cry for no reason. That’s why I’m such a hotel JAP (Jewish American Princess. I’m not Jewish, but I’m jew-friendly.) Unlike you, I must have the largest suite possible in the nicest hotel in town with the best room service. If I don’t, I have trouble relaxing. I also like to do lots of online research about the food. I refuse to do chain restaurants on the road. No Cracker Barrel, no Coco’s, no fast food. I love Mom and Pop places. I watch the food channel and take notes! I can’t cook at all, but it’s the best place to find the good places to eat all over the U.S. I really like basic food, but very well prepared. Sometimes my Gays and I have a “tuna meltdown” and search for the best new place to get a really good tune melt. Promoters and hotel manager’s usually want to send me to someplace to get duck confit with a raspberry reduction or some shit. God, I would so like to talk to you about money. My mom is staying over at my house tonight. I have depression parents. My Dad actually passed away last Feb. My whole life, their depression ethic has been drilled in to me. Anyway, she has convinced me once again that if I spend one more penny, I’m going to lose everything, live in my car and eat dog food. I don’t spend that much money, relatively speaking, but I believe her none the less.
You probably figured this out, but I’m not interested in you for, nor do I need your money.
Why don’t you speak at Comdex(sp?) and functions like that where you will be treated like a god and your jokes will kill? I know, you’re not in to that, but c’mon, once in a while. Let the geeks love you.
XXOO, Kathy
From: Woz
Date: September 3, 2007 9:10 AM
To: Kathy
Subject: Re: Type A
I hate it when hosts book my travel and it’s not non-stop, etc. So every trip that’s contracted we have them pay us an estimate for travel, an estimate for food, etc. They often write in the same for Steve’s assistant, Julie. For the last trip to Las Vegas they paid us $3700 each for travel I think (maybe $3700 total) and we drove Prius’s which get there and back for about $150 each. We have them pay estimates for travel first class and then I can use my credit card for tickets and take advantage of 2-for-1 ticket deals. I don’t have to save any receipts this way and submit them. I’m so bad at that. I don’t think I’ve ever done it once because I just don’t want to. But Julie is a type A person and she has been pulling some data from my AmEx bills to get me recompensed. ugh.
You are lucky you have the time. I love Dunk’n Donuts because there are about none in California anymore. In foreign countries I like to eat foreign food, which means McDonalds when there. Not exactly but sometimes. It’s usually room service. I love mom and pop places but I’m usually alone and not willing to take the risk. God, I took the risk in New Orleans last March and wound up unable to move for 2 days with food poisoning.
Tuna salad sandwiches and Tuna melts are my favorites. When I’m not eating red meat, you can get this at Subway and Togo’s and I have my favorite places at home. So I have one thing in common with you or your Gays.
We’re different. I never think about money. That goes back to before Apple. We had no money when we started. No savings, no car, no house, no nothing. I had to pay cash at my apartment because of bounced rent checks. We would make computers with 30 days credit on the parts and then sell them to a store for cash after 10 days. We made our first $10K that way. I don’t like money.
I had philosophies against having too much money, how it changes you and your ethics. I also had determined at a young age that nothing would change my strong sense of who I was or corrupt me. So when we had so much more money than anyone could need I resented it. I had not sought it. I had started the company reluctantly and only after first giving my computers away without any copyright or patents. I was not even 30. I started giving to every needy cause and started various museums and the like and put on some huge rock concerts and got divorced 3 times so you can trust that I don’t have all that much. I talked to friends at Apple about this after it went public and told them that my goal was to give to worthy causes until I had enough to be comfortable but not more than could ever be explained. I’m still in that mode although my accountant doesn’t like it. Frankly, I don’t think about money. I avoid it. I’m not frugal but I’m not excessive. I don’t think I
’m excessive. But you can’t compare yourself to anyone else or it gets to be like a pissing contest.
I have keynoted at many shows like Comdex. I can’t remember I if did Comdex ever but I might have. One big appearance was in the ’90’s to the the national education computer conference, EduComm. It was to an audience of about 5,000 live. This was in Seattle, near Microsoft. But Seattle was a Macintosh school region. Bill Gates gave one keynote and was boring and got a polite applause when done. I got a standing ovation before and after my speech. They respect me but they won’t after my prank book, ha ha.
12 days before something (it’s Tuesday here),
—steve
—ok a new size tv
p.s. I got to ride a Segway on stage today!!!! This lady who used to be the CEO of HP in Taiwan had one there. I have to talk them into forming a Segway polo team but she said only about 6 people have Segways in Taiwan.
From: Kathy
Date: September 5, 2007 2:03:17 PM
To: Woz
Subject: Re: hi
Last year I wore this dress to the Creative Arts EMMYS that I’m going to “recycle” and wear to the primetime EMMYS this year in hopes that one of the magazines will do a “what was she thinking” picture. In Hollywood, it’s unheard of to be photographed in the same dress twice. What I didn’t realize was that I gained 10 pounds from last year. So now Entertainment Tonight doing a “can she get in to the dress by EMMYS” piece, so when we go talk to them on the red carpet, I’ll be in that fucking dress. As of 5 days ago, I could zip it up, but not sit in it. The point is, my work is much more important than yours.
Official Book Club Selection Page 26