by Viola Rivard
Shan pressed a kiss to her temple. “I told you, you're not as separate as you think.”
Harper shook her head. “We are, though. I'm here and she's inside of me in that awful, dark place. And I think she's been there for a very, very long time.”
Her voice cracked. “When I was coming back to myself, there was this split second where it was like we were both here at the same time and it was horrible. She's so lonely. All she's wanted all these years is to be free, and I've just been shoveling dirt on her. She must hate me so much.”
“Did you feel that she hates you?”
Harper thought back, and then shrugged. “No? I don't know. It's so confusing.”
Shan lifted her up so that he could carry her in one arm. “You've had a very stressful experience. You're not going to make sense of any of it right now. Let's go back to the shelter. I'll build us a fire and find us something to eat.”
Shan's words lulled her into a tenuous sense of peace. He carried her from the lake, collecting her clothes first, then his pelt, and then cocooning her in the latter, despite her feeble protests. He left her wrapped in it as he built the fire, and then when he went to catch fish for them to eat. His trust in her was humbling, considering she barely trusted herself with such an intimate part of him.
Once she was alone, she finally allowed her awareness to turn inward. In the back of her mind she could feel the new pathway that had opened up. She felt along the edges, hesitant to go any farther without Shan at her side. She knew that it would lead her to her wolf, but would it trigger her shift, or would it instead mean giving the wolf access to her human body again? She was afraid to find out, but she knew it wouldn't be long before she had an answer.
Chapter 5
Shan stretched out next to Harper, his thumb idly stroking the mark on her neck. He still couldn't believe that he'd actually bitten her, or that she hadn't yet complained about it.
She had other things on her mind.
She'd been unusually subdued all evening, but she hadn't withdrawn entirely. Though they'd made little conversation, she'd been insistent on staying near to him in his lap or in his arms, and she seemed most at ease when he was holding her tightly to himself. Her sudden clinginess didn't bother him in the slightest. He needed the physical contact every bit as much as she did.
For a while, she laid with her eyes shut, but her breathing indicated that she was awake. He knew that she was anxious about sleeping after what had happened that afternoon. He shared her apprehension, along with a measure of guilt, as he was the one who had guided her to this point. Knowing it was necessary and that she would be better in the long term for having shifted did not ease his worry over what was to come.
Just when his own eyes were becoming heavy and he thought he might nod off, Harper wiggled her shoulders, indicating that she wanted him to loosen his embrace. When he did so, she turned around, her head resting on his bicep.
"You know I'm going to be an awful mate, right?"
Her question made Shan's chest swell. He put his hand on the side of her face and leaned in to kiss her, but she tucked her chin in at the last second, making him kiss her forehead instead.
"Don't smile, I'm serious," she said. "I'm going to be constantly doing things that piss you off, and you're going to have no one to blame but yourself because you picked me. Remember that when we're fighting all of the time. Oh God. If we can both turn into giant wolves, fights are going to be really bad."
Shan would have thought she was joking if not for the way her eyes widened with alarm. He grinned and kissed her again, this time managing to capture her lips.
He said, "No matter how angry we are with one another, I doubt our wolves are going to be interested in fighting. They'll have other things on their minds."
Her nose wrinkled. "You don't think... They're not going to do that, are they?"
"Of course."
"Ew! No way, that's so gross!"
While he might have been inclined to agree, Shan couldn't deny a certain curiosity about how it would feel to mate in his wolf form. If he was honest with himself, he was looking forward to it almost as much as his wolf was.
Shan brushed stray hairs from her face. "Why the sudden change? This afternoon, you were still stubbornly refusing to be my mate."
He would have rather not asked her at all. He loved how comfortable the evening had been and how easily she'd spoken about being his mate, as though it were no longer a choice she had yet to decide on. In spite of his reluctance to disturb their new bond, he knew that trust was built on understanding.
"I wasn't refusing to be your mate," she mumbled. "I was only saying that biting me didn't mean I'm yours by default." She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his chest. "And I guess, when I said that, a big part of me was still thinking you were wrong. And if you were wrong and I were human, then there would still be a decision that I'd have to make.
"But... I know now that you were right and that once this happens, once I shift, there's no going back to Boston. I have to stay. I'm sorry, I doubt that's the answer you wanted to hear, but it's the best I've got for now."
If she'd told him that she'd suddenly realized she was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, her answer would have felt disingenuous. He did believe that she cared deeply for him, but he wasn't sure that alone would have been enough to make her stay, at least, not without more work on Shan's part. He was still confident that even if she had just been human, he would have brought her around after a few more weeks.
"I'm not upset," he told her. "I'm glad that you seem to be handling it well."
She let out a shaky laugh. "Not really. I'm freaking out inside. My head is a mess. But I will admit, in a way, it's easier. If I'd had to decide between going home or staying to become your mate, I probably would have figured out how to regret my decision either way. At least now I can't wonder 'what if?' I just have to accept things as they are and adapt."
When she finished, she peeked up at him. Her response had been mature and thoughtful. Nothing he had to say would improve upon the silence, so he simply leaned to rest his forehead against hers.
"Will you stay awake tonight?" she asked.
"Why?"
Harper nibbled her lip. "I think, I mean, I'm not sure, but, I think I might be able to do it tonight."
"To shift?"
When she nodded, Shan's body tensed, as if preparing to leap into action. Even when he reminded himself that it wasn't happening now, he couldn't will the tension away.
Harper's brow scrunched. "There's a...a path? I don't know if that makes sense, but I can feel it and when I close my eyes, I can sort of visualize it."
"It's like redirecting your awareness to the back of your head."
She considered his words, and then nodded. "Yeah. Except now, there's no end to it. Like, it doesn't stop when I reach the back of my skull. It goes farther back. Deeper. And I feel like if I just keep going back far enough... I don't know. Can you promise you'll bring me back again if something goes wrong?"
He promised her at once, though the truth was that he didn't know how he'd done it before. It still surprised him that her wolf had been so quick to obey him earlier, and he wasn't sure if she'd actually been complying or if she'd already been having difficulty holding the human form.
The whole experience had reminded him of what sometimes happened to common shifters when their wolves took over. It usually happened during bouts of intense rage, though he'd seen it happen for other strong emotions, such as grieving.
"I'm scared."
Her quiet admission held a slight tremor and it cut him.
"I'll be with you the whole time."
He would be with her, and powerless to shield her from the pain.
"I'm not just afraid of shifting," she said. "It's also everything that comes after it."
Shan kissed the top of her head. "I'll be with you for that, as well."
Though it was more important t
han ever that he remain awake, as soon as Harper fell asleep Shan had trouble stopping himself from following suit. He had slept poorly the past few nights, his body instinctively rousing with every agitated movement that Harper made. Prior to coming to the shelter, he'd gone nearly two nights without sleep. Now, when he needed to remain alert more than ever, his exhaustion had finally reached a level that he could no longer combat.
He watched her for a while before falling into a half sleep, his mind flitting between the present moment with Harper in his arms and a dreamlike vision of some future time when they were back in his home and in the comfort and safety of his den. Soon, the dream became too irresistible and he fell fully into sleep.
He couldn't have been asleep for long when he woke. He knew this because he couldn't shake his disorientation, in spite of the fact that Harper was clawing at his arm, her sharp nails drawing blood. It was several seconds before he was able to collect himself enough to gather her wrists and effectively pin them over her head. He worked entirely on instinct, his mind making sense of nothing until his vision cleared and he got his first good look at her.
She was making a low, growling sound, her lips drawn back to bare her teeth. It might have sounded threatening, except her eyes were wide with fear. She opened her mouth, unclenching her jaw with visible effort, and attempted to speak. Only a guttural sound came out before she began coughing up blood.
Moving into action, Shan turned her onto her side so that she didn't choke on the blood. She continued coughing it up, until Shan felt sure that there was something wrong. He knew how much blood a body was capable of holding, but when it was coming from his mate even a little felt like far too much.
Knowing he couldn't keep her restrained, he released his hold on her wrists. Her hands went to the top of her head at once and she began yanking at the roots of her hair. The sight caused Shan's mind to go back to the memory of his first shift. He remembered the horrible pain of his bones slowly elongating inside of his body, and the feeling that if he could just tear his flesh from his body it would cease to hurt.
"Don't fight it," he said. "There's no going back. It will hurt less if you give in."
His mother had told him the same lie. He'd resented her for it for a long time after, until the memory of the pain had grown distant. Now, he understood that her lie had been necessary. He saw the resignation on her pale face just before it contorted with agony.
Unable to sit idly by, Shan picked her up and wrapped his pelt around the both of them. She grabbed him at once, her nails digging in to his shoulders this time. He didn't care. He kicked dirt onto the dying fire and then carried her out into the night.
It was cold enough that his breath crystallized in front of his face as he walked. The cold air was in sharp contrast with Harper's body, which felt hot and feverish. Sweat had broken out over her skin and her vocalizations had become low and piteous moans.
He decided to take her to the lake, hoping that the water would offer her some measure of relief. He tried to remember if his parents had done anything to ease his pain, but it was increasingly difficult for him to think straight. Somehow, his wolf had managed to bridge the divide between them and the back of his mind was lit up with a thousand impressions that the animal was trying to get across to him. There was nothing helpful, just increasingly insistent requests for Shan to shift and allow his wolf to handle things.
He didn't know what his wolf could possibly do for her that he couldn't, at least at this early stage of her shift. Despite that, he seriously considered allowing the shift, if only to detach himself from the unholy stress of seeing her in pain. He wouldn't though, only because it felt like a cop out. He had been the one to force her into this situation, now he would have to see her through it.
Her first bone broke before they reached the lake. The soft pop of her rib sounded innocuous on its own, but appalling when accompanied by her scream. It was immediately followed by more popping sounds as the rest of her ribs snapped in rapid succession.
He let her down at the water's edge, as she'd begun to tear at his shoulders. Her nails had already sharpened to claws and if he didn't do something she could have easily mauled him. Down on all fours, she retched more blood and this time it was accompanied by her human canines, which had been pushed out by her new, sharper teeth.
Another bone broke, and the sound reminded him of a snapping tree limb. He couldn't tell which bone it was, but the pain was finally enough that she slumped to one side, falling unconscious. Shan gathered her in his arms, relief flooding him.
"Stay asleep," he said, his words a prayer as much as a plea.
Her bones continued to break, and as he held her close, he could feel them moving and reconfiguring beneath her skin. She still appeared mostly human when fur erupted across her skin, not black as he'd imagined it would be, but solid white. It swallowed her up quickly, until her body became an amorphous mass of fur.
To his memory, his first shift had taken hours, and his mother had spoken of her first shift taking a full cycle of the sun and moon. Unless her shift would abruptly stall, Harper's would take mere minutes.
When her form began to swell, he had to remove her from his lap and clear the area. It felt wrong to leave her lying by the side of the lake, but she would need space to grow into.
Though he'd known with absolute certainty that she was like him, seeing her take shape felt unreal and for a moment he could barely breathe. He could sense his wolf watching and the need to shift became all-encompassing.
With a single thought, Shan banished the barrier between them. His fur began binding to his skin as his animal form surged forward to meet its mate.
Chapter 6
His mate was the color of moonlight.
She was nearly as tall as him, yet somehow appeared even more delicate and fragile than her human counterpart.
It was the legs, he decided. Long, thin, and lacking muscles, they reminded him of the legs of a newborn fawn. His comparison was validated when she tried taking her first step and her legs buckled. When she tried to regain her footing, her legs trembled. This time, she managed to take two full steps before falling forward and onto the ground.
The Wolf paced anxiously. He wanted badly to help her, but he could not make her muscles grow; only walking on her own would do that. He also could not leave to hunt for her. He couldn't even take his eyes off her, let alone leave her by herself.
He sniffed the air, his eyes scanning the lake and the forest that surrounded them. He could sense no threats, but he remained tense and alert.
Anything that came near her would die.
Taking a few steps in her direction, he bowed his head to sniff her. She smelled similar to the way she did in her human form, but even more appealing.
When he was close enough that their noses were nearly touching, she seemed to notice him for the first time. Her head lifted and she stared up at him through mismatched eyes.
He felt himself grow restless as they stared at one another. In her human form, she had put her mark on Shan and Shan had put his mark on her. He had yet to put his pups in her, but surely the marks would be enough for her to recognize him as her mate.
She let out a small, wuffling sound. The Wolf returned the sound and then moved closer. When she didn't move away from him, he brushed the side of his face against hers, marking her with his scent.
He was drawing his head back when her tongue came out to lick his muzzle. He froze, overcome with a flurry of feelings that he barely recognized and had only ever felt through his bond with Shan. They made his gut clench and his throat constrict, yet they weren't unpleasant. He began licking her back and it eased some of his discomfort while at the same time making him feel lightheaded.
He licked every part of her face. She allowed him, closing her eyes and leaning into him as he did so. He enjoyed it, though he would have much rather been mounting her and mating with her. He knew it was too soon for that. He hated the thought of waiting. He had already waited so
long to find her.
He could tell by her scent that she would not be receptive to mating yet. He would have to wait until she was fertile. Or at least until she could stand properly.
It was a while before she tried standing again. When she did, her bony limbs wobbled, but she managed to take several steps. He barked his excitement at seeing her walking. The sound startled her, and she stumbled backwards onto her rear. She snorted in his direction, and then got right back up.
In her wobbling gait, she wandered around the area, sniffing different bits of foliage. The Wolf followed her closely, giving her just enough space to maneuver her new body.
She was so beautiful. The way the moonlight reflected off her pale, sleek pelt made her look like she was glowing. Her fur was so soft and fragrant, and he found the angles of her face to be so pleasing that he knew he could spend all night looking at her without growing bored.
He wanted to take her back to his pack and show them how beautiful she was. He also wanted to find the nearest den and sequester her in it until they were fully mated. He could not have other males having designs on her because he would have to kill them and that would upset Shan.
He became anxious as she took a few steps into the lake. He issued a cautionary bark, careful not to be too loud, so as not to frighten her again. His mate was somewhat timid.
She heeded him, stopping well before the water reached her hindquarters. For a moment she stared at her reflection, and then she bowed her head and gently lapped at the water.
The Wolf watched her, captivated all over again. She was his. Truly his. She was more than he could have ever dreamed of.
With no one else to share this with, he bridged Shan. Shan had been annoyed with him earlier, and he expected to still find his human half in a mood. Instead, he felt his own sense of awe and wonderment magnified back to him. He felt the same pride at having such a resplendent mate and the same desire to cover her in his scent. More than anything, he felt the necessity of protecting her.