by Peiri Ann
Nathan walks over to me, hugging me to him. I turn away from them, not wanting them to see me break.
Natalia rubs my back. It’s soothing. “Nathan is right, Tracey. Everything will be okay. Nathan loves you; understand that, first. And nothing will take you from him or him from you.”
I feel her lift from the bed and seconds later the door closes. “Come on, Tracey, let’s go for a walk. It will help clear your head.”
I change my shoes and we head outside to walk the trail behind his house. I say nothing for a while. I just move closer to him and wrap his arm around my shoulder. He lets me, staying quiet.
I like how he doesn’t push me to talk about things, and he doesn’t try to change my mood or the way I feel. He lets me be me. He does provide me with his comfort, which I’m grateful for.
“So, your mom is okay, dealing with last night?” I ask, for conversation sake, starting to feel bad about breaking down earlier.
“Yeah, she’s doing fine. It’s hard on her, we all know. But she’s doing a good job at holding it together. Sometimes she’ll go off and cry. We all just let her, not really knowing what to say. My aunt is going to take her away for a couple of days today. She is the only one who knows how to deal with this.”
“Sorry about earlier…me going off and all.”
He pulls me closer. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing. You’ll go off sometimes. I’ll go off sometimes. It happens in relationships.”
“Yeah, but all the rage and anger that I felt…my actions were unnecessary.”
“Yeah, you probably just need some di— Oomph.”
I punch him in his chest, cutting him off. “Don’t say it.”
He chuckles. “All I’m saying is, I could help you with that.” He pulls me in front of him. “Release some of that rage and anger.” He kisses my cheek. “It could be rough and aggressive.” He kisses my neck, then bites onto it. “You could be loud and say, ‘Awe, Nathan.’” He tries to mock me in a high-pitch voice.
I elbow him in the stomach. “I do not say that.”
“Or, maybe you just don’t hear yourself say that,” he states factually.
“Shut up,” I tease, removing myself from his grip to walk farther in front of him.
He’s back next to me. “So you want to tell me about this night-vision—match hands.”
“My name is Tracey, and no, I don’t.”
“Why not?” He laces our fingers.
I pull our hands in front of me and put my other hand with them. “I don’t know how it works. I think it has something to do with this film that covers my eyes. It just happened. I didn’t ask it to or want it to, it just kicked in on its own. And when it did, I was thankful for it.”
We walk quietly for a while, enjoying the weather and each other’s company. I move close to him, laying my head on his arm as we make our way up the path.
“I love you, Tracey. Don’t let anyone or anything change your mind about that. And none of these girls are ever worth you getting angry over. They mean nothing to me. Earlier, that shit was unexpected. But it meant nothing when I was with her, and it means nothing after her.”
“How do they know each other…‘jumpy’ and ‘loud mouth’?”
“So where did your parents go?”
I look at him with an expression of disbelief. He looks away from me to in front of us, nonchalantly. He is such an ass. “Did you really just do that?”
“What?” he says innocently.
He did. “You’re just going to ignore my question?”
“Do you really want to talk about this?” he says emotionless.
“Now I do, thanks to your sudden avoidance.”
He pushes his hand through his hair, still quiet. There is only one way they would know each other, and one wanting to share the info with the other; plus, the way they both act—wanting him and demanding his attention. Wait… “Nathan! You are nasty!” I jerk my hands from him, speeding up.
“Tracey, wait.” He laughs.
I’m not mad, just playing the part because of how he tried to change the subject on me.
He grabs my back pocket. “Come here.” He whips me around and kisses me, catching me off-guard. “You know, if I told you, you wouldn’t want to hear it.”
I pull back. “Then say that. Don’t change the subject and ignore me completely.”
“I didn’t ignore you, just your question.” I push him and he flies backwards into a tree.
“Oh my gosh!” I run over to him. “Nathan, I am so sorry.” I can’t hold my laughter. “Are you okay?” I say, still laughing. I know he is.
He stands, dusting himself off. “I would say that you have picked up some strength, babe.” He looks at me when he finishes.
I try to harden my expression. “Yeah, that means ‘don’t mess with me.’”
“Seriously. Most people can’t even move me, and here you are, knocking me off my feet. How much force did you put behind it?”
His face shows astonishment. “I’m not sure…a lot, considering I thought I couldn’t move you.”
“Right.” Something flashes on his face, like a change, when I blink.
I blink a few more times, every other blink, it returns, not lasting long enough for me to figure out what it is.
“Are you okay?” I ignore him, trying to figure this out.
I close my eyes for a moment and reopen them. His eyes are wide and dark, his face is hard and darker than his usual color, taking on a dark, reddish complexion and skin somewhat brittle. His hair ends in spikes, like they did in the weird dream I had before.
“Umm, Tracey, your eyes are black and you’re looking at me uncomfortably.”
He still appeals to me, even in this image. He reaches out his hand to me. It also holds that complexion, and his nails are darker and also brittle. I take it.
“I see you,” I say quietly.
“I know,” he says calmly, his excitement and astonishment gone.
“You’re amazing,” I say in admiration.
He grabs my chin and slowly lifts it up to kiss him. His lips still feel the same, although they look hard. He tastes the same, although he appears venomous. I kiss him, staring into his eyes that are midnight-blue and outlined in grey. In his pupils, I see my black eyes, and I pull away. I shut my eyes hard.
He pulls my chin again. I leave my eyes closed and he kisses me. Same soft lips, same sweet taste.
“Open your eyes, Tracey.” I do and he’s his regular self again. “How did you do that?”
“I’m not sure.” I look at him, studying his face. “That’s how you look…out of character?”
“Yes. And I never wanted you to see that.”
“You kissed me?”
“I did, because even seeing the true me, your feelings didn’t change.” His voice is soft.
“You still were attractive to me.” I touch his cheek.
“Did you not want me to be?”
“No, I want you to be. I really want you to do more than just attract me.” I grab at his sides.
He bites his bottom lip, and the next minute we are in his room—windows closed, doors locked. He slows his pace, finding me standing by the TV. He sits at the edge of the bed and motions for me to come to him.
“What’s up, Nathan?” I walk to him.
“Hey, Tracey.” He pulls me close to him, laying his head on my chest, and holds me for a moment. “You really don’t know just how much I love you.” He uses a voice I haven’t heard before. He looks up at me and his eyes swirl, not having a color to go with his mood.
I kiss him gently, not knowing how much he loves me, just knowing that he does. I want him to love me and I want to hear him tell me he loves me. I want him to want me, and I need to hear that too.
“I love you,” I say through a kiss. “A lot,” I say through another. “And I want you to tell me back.” He kisses my neck, grabbing at my waist. “Tell me,” I demand softly, his lips softly touching my skin.
“I lo
ve you.”
“Tell me again.”
He bites onto my skin; it pleasurably hurts. “Tracey, I fuckin’ love you.” His hands move to my back and he pulls on my shirt, hard enough for it to rip. The pieces fall around me. My breath catches. I kiss him, pushing him back on the bed.
“Nathan, you want me?”
“I do.” He moves my head to kiss my mouth “Bad.”
I kiss him again, aggression behind it. His lips feel good against mine. I bite his bottom lip, not as forceful as the kiss, although I want to. From the day I met him, I’ve wanted to do that. He grabs my thighs.
Both his hands go up to my waist and his fingers slide between my body and my shorts. He rips them off. Shreds! I look down at them, then back at him.
“Sorry.” There is no feeling behind his apology.
He turns us over, I lay with the bottom of my legs hanging off the bed. I look at him standing between them. I pull the ponytail from my hair, letting out a slow breath, trying to calm myself.
He stares at me. “Nathan.” His eyes close to the sound of his name. “I want you.” He leaves and comes back in boxer briefs. “Nice!”
He leans over me and rips off my panties and bra. I am so going to need some more clothes if he is going to ruin my shit.
“Say that again,” he demands.
“What?” His eyes pull mine to his.
“You want me, but say my name with it.”
“Nathan, I want you…” I pause. “Bad.” I use his line. “Can I have you?”
“Yeah,” he says coolly.
“Prove it.”
He kisses me once and stands up. My body is on fire as he inserts himself.
“Calm down, Tracey.” His hands grab hold of my waist tightly as he moves back and forth, in and out of me.
No, turn up, Nathan. I rub my hands over my face, trying to calm myself. I look back at him, in all his naked glory, biting his bottom lip. He makes direct eye contact with me and I see myself through his eyes. I look good!
“Yeah, you do.”
His hold tightens and his movements become more aggressive. The tingle forms in my back, making me arch it. I open my mouth, ready to sound out against the energy surging in me and the door knocks—loudly.
He slows, very slow. “Go away!” he yells at the door. He doesn’t stop, but puts more into it.
I’m losing it. All control seeping out the closed window, every moan needs to escape.
“No.” They knock again. “Open the door. I need to talk.” The voice sounds familiar, but my brain won’t let me place it.
He speeds up a little. “You do n—” He pauses. A shudder courses over his body and mine. His head falls back and he lets out a low, soft grunt. “You do not need to talk right now.” He hovers over me, pushing me up on the bed. I let out a harsh breath against his face.
He kisses my jawline. “Not right now,” he says quietly against my skin.
“Nathan, either you open the door, or I will.” It’s Scott. Freaking Scott.
He slams his hand on the bed beside us. “Fuck!” he exclaims loudly, stopping. “Scott, you better not!”
“Well, open the door!”
I grab his sides and move against him. He makes a throaty sound. “Don’t. Just wait fifteen more minutes,” I say, kissing his neck.
“Nathan!” Scott yells through the door.
“Scott, okay. Give me forty-five minutes.”
“No!”
“Please!?” he begs, sounding like a child. “If he only knew what I was in…” His voice is lower. “He would leave me alone.”
“Nathan, you have five minutes.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you downstairs.”
“No, I’ll wait by the door.”
“He’s fucking with me. He has to be.” He looks back at me.
I move his head, kissing him deeply. Seeing me again, I feel me, I remember me. “Get out of my head, Tracey.”
What? “How am I in your head?”
His face is frustrated. “Can we please talk about this later? Please, Tracey.” His eyes are that light, sandy, ocean-blue. “Just save all questions for later.”
I smile at him. Yeah, we can. The door knocks again. “Nathan!” Freaking, interrupting Scott.
“He cannot be serious.” He kisses me again. “Okay, Scott. Five minutes!” he yells at the door, pulling from me. I huff in frustration. “Calm down, Tracey.” I’m not trying to hear that.
“Nathan, can you come on?! Tracey, let’s go!” Glen’s voice pounds through the door. “Come on, you two!” she yells.
“Glen, you are really putting a danker in our friendship right now,” I say as he gets up and walks to the bathroom. It takes everything in me not to follow as I pull the covers over me.
“Nathan!”
“Scott, we are coming. Stop calling me,” he yells from the bathroom. “Tracey, get up,” he says, aggravation in his voice. I hear water splashing in the sink.
“I’m not going,” I say, irritated.
“No, no. If I have to go, you definitely have to go.” I look over at him, standing in his naked glory, looking at himself. “Wash up and throw on some clothes so we can see what they want. Because this has to be important.” He leaves the bathroom, walking around the bed to his closet.
I kick and curse the covers off me. I get up, go to the bathroom, and slam the door for good measure. I wash up and throw on some clothes. I come out bushing my hair, looking around the room, noticing clothes and pieces of clothes everywhere. I shake my head.
Nathan comes out of the closet clothed and we walk out the door, not opening it all the way.
“Scott, there better be a damn good reason that you’re yelling through my door.” You can hear the irritation in his voice. “Tracey, walk up ahead with Glen. We’re going to the basement.”
I do, and we gain a few feet ahead of them. Glen is talking about a movie. I’m being nosey, listening with my new ears that I just found out can hear whispers.
“Fuck’s wrong with you, taking all day?” Scott states, like we irritated him.
“Tell you what, the next you dickin’ yo girl, I’ll come to yo spot, bang on your door, and demand you open it. And on top of that, interrupt by puttin’ a time limit on it.”
“When did y’all start having sex?”
“That doesn’t matter. What the hell is so important that I had to come out of her just to see what you want?”
I turn around and look at him. Inappropriate, Nathan.
How can you even hear me? he asks, disoriented, with his face scrunched.
Doesn’t matter.
Yeah, well, how about I just don’t talk out loud?
I dare you. I glare at him through my low eyelids. I want to hear what is so important too.
How about you talk to Glen. Her mouth is moving and I bet you’re not listening to a word she’s saying.
I look at Glen. She is just going on and on about something I have no idea of. I miss her; although, she and Scott are getting on my nerves.
“So, Glen,” I cut her off. “What brings you and Scott by?”
“What took you two so long to answer the door?”
“Not important.”
“It is.”
“It’s not. But seriously, what’s going on?”
“Scott and I have to stay over here for a while, something about it not being safe at his house, because someone tried to break into it.” She looks back at Scott and Nathan. “What happened over here last night? Scott mentioned something was wrong. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine. Just don’t bring that up anymore.” Glen still knows nothing. Well, that’s the way she makes it seem anyway.
“Okay, well, Scott was acting as if last night was serious. But Scott always blows things out of proportion. By the way, I’m moving in with Scott.” That caught me off-guard.
I look at her curiously. “Why?”
She shrugs. “I’m not sure. Because I want to, I have to. I mea
n, we wake up and go to sleep together anyway. Scott says we are either going to move here, or away—to some of their other family. Something about family sticks together.” She shrugs.
“And what did your mom say about that?”
“Nothing. I just told her and she said ‘okay.’ You know my mom. Plus, she couldn’t say anything anyway. I’m old enough to leave once we end school.” She shrugs again. “Enough about Glen; tell me about Tracey.”
We are coming to the stairs of the basement. I mock her shrug. “There is nothing going on. I don’t know what school I want to go to. My parents want to move to Tennessee. They met Nathan, were okay with Nathan, then, when they found out Nathan has his shit together, they didn’t want me to be with him; although, they think he is a nice guy.” I roll my eyes.
“Okay. Why do your parents want to move?”
“Dad got a permanent position, so he doesn’t have to travel back and forth. That is where the job is.”
We wait for the boys to catch up. “So how do you feel about the move?”
“What do you think?” My mood shifts.
The guys approach. Scott smiles. “What’s up, Tracey? Why you look so down?” Because, Scott, every time I’m trying to get it in with my guy, you always—always—interrupt.
“Oh, Scott, because if I didn’t like Glen and she wasn’t my best friend, I would punch the shit out of you.”
Scott’s face becomes amused. “Tracey’s down because she might have to move to Tennessee,” Glen cuts in.
Nathan wraps his arm around me. “That’s not going to happen.” We walk down the stairs.
We take the same spots that we did last time we were down here. I’m glad to see Scott and Glen doing better. They seem happy. I just want to be crowded by Nathan, to really be that obnoxious, clingy girlfriend. I think it’s because I almost lost him last night, and then finding out that I may need to move away from him.
“Hey, let’s watch a scary movie,” Glen says. She is all about scary movies.
“You want to?” Nathan looks at me. Hell, can’t anything scare me anymore, after what I’ve been through.
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
Nathan and Scott move the couches around so that they are both in front of the huge TV. They decide on watching ‘The Strangers’ and that damn clown movie. It had to have come out in like 1818 and they are just as excited to watch it as if it was released yesterday. Nathan comes back from getting the movies, and Taylor and Justin are behind him—with blankets and bowls of chips.